Smart Butt-head quotes from Beavis and Butt-Head

Beavis

Butt-head, that kid has the exact same shorts and shoes that you do.

Butt-head

Uh, oh yeah. He looks cool! He should get like a gray t-shirt with AC/DC on it, then he would kick ass.

Beavis

Okay, here we go, another video. Line 'em up.

Butt-head

Yeah!

Beavis

Yeah, peel out! Burn rubber, yeah! Tear aaassssss!

Beavis

Yeah yeah, fight! Fight! Fight!

Butt-head

Yeah, hit him!

Beavis

Kick the pumpkin! Check it out, these hippies are gonna smash the pumpkin.

Butt-head

Uh, no. Hippies never break stuff.

Beavis

Um, what about that Gallagher dude?

Butt-head

Oh yeah. He's, like, really irritating, and he's not very funny.

Beavis

Yeah yeah, really.

Butt-head

But then it's pretty cool because he starts smashing stuff.

Beavis

Yeah, it's like, you have to sit through all this stuff that doesn't make any sense, and it's like, he starts breaking stuff and, like, throwing stuff at the audience.

Butt-head

Yeah.

Beavis

Yeah.

Butt-head

Uh...that's good, shaving cream on the van.

Beavis

Yeah. Throwing eggs, very nice. M hm.

Butt-head

It's like, I don't understand toilet papering someone's house. It's like, you're just doing 'em a favor.

Beavis

Yeah, really. I wish someone would toilet paper my house. I've been wiping my butt with newspaper for about a month!

Butt-head

Yeah. I've been using this washcloth.

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah, I've been using that same washcloth, yeah.

Butt-head

Uh. I think she's supposed to be, like, Pinocchio, but when she lies, her butt grows bigger.

Beavis

Yeah, yeah, yeah, she's been doing a whole lotta lying, you know what I'm saying? I wish when I lied, my schlong would grow bigger, because then I'd like, "Hey baby, I have a gigantic schlong," and I'd be lying, but then my schlong would get bigger, because I'm lying, see? And then it would be true though, so I don't know if it shrinks again, or I don't know how that works, you know? I don't know what the Pinocchio rules are. Yeah, maybe it would just like start growing and shrinking back and forth, you know, because it grows and then I'm not lying, and then it shrinks and then I'm lying, so it goes back and forth, it's kinda going boi-oing-oing-g-oing-g-oing-boing-boing-boing, and then I wouldn't even need the chick, you know? I could just have my schlong do all the work, and I wouldn't need my hands either! I could go eat lunch or something, you know? Go about my business. Maybe take up a new hobby, you know like, uh like um, I don't know, like spanking my- oh, no. Never mind.

Butt-head

That was quite a ride, Beavis.

Beavis

I guess what I'm saying though is like I wish I could lie a lot, and have a big schlong. That's all.

Butt-head

That would rule.

Butt-head

You know, they really should make a Schlong-nnochio movie, 'cause then like, Jimmy Cricket could get it on with Tinkerbell, and then Peter Pan can grant him a real schlong, and they can all ride off on Dumbo. And then the cricket can be like, "Hey Tinkerbell, wanna see my seventh leg?"

Beavis

Yeah, "Hey Tinkerbell, how'd you like to see something that always grows up? Know what I'm saying?"

Butt-head

Okay Beavis, I have an idea for a game. Every time she says "bitch" I get to smack you.

Beavis

No way! Why would I do that?

Butt-head

Uhh, okay how about this? Every time she says "butt," you can smack me.

Beavis

Okay, yeah, I mean she's the queen of butts... your funeral.

Butt-head

Now let the games begin.

...I'll cut up the bitch, I'll gut the bitch... [Butt-head begins repeatedly smacking Beavis] Had to rough up the bitch, man, cut the bitch...

Beavis

[getting smacked] Ahh! Ahh! Ahh- okay, okay- I can't hear when you're smacking- ahh!

Won't shoot her but I will gun-butt the bitch...

Beavis

Wait, I think she- ahh! [gets smacked more] Hold on! Butt-head, I said- Ahh! Ahh!

When we say "Gun the bitch," dick up the bitch! She was stuck-up so my niggas stuck up the bitch!

Beavis

Ow! Ow! I think she said- ahh!

Still draggin' her, so don't pick up the bitch. Get the combination to the safe, drug the bitch. Know the whole operation been bugged the bitch...

Butt-head

I win. [smacks Beavis a few more times]

Beavis

Dammit! I did not think she would say "bitch" so much when I agreed- [Butt-head smacks him] Ahh! Wait, Butt-head, you can't smack me when I say it! Son of a bitch! No, wait- [gets smacked again] Ahh! Dammit, this game sucks!

Beavis

This video tells a message.

Butt-head

Yeah. The message is: Vince Neil is a wuss.

Beavis

Yeah. That guy from Danzig could kick his ass.

He's the one they call Dr. Feelgood...

Beavis

Hey, Butt-head. What does "Dr. Feelgood" mean?

Butt-head

That's, like, when the doctor makes you cough, and he puts his fingers on your nads.

Beavis

Yeah. That's cool.

Butt-head

Oh yeah? You don't have a female doctor, do you, Beavis?

Butt-head

This video has fire, and cars...

Beavis

Yeah. And tattoos, and leather.

Butt-head

Now all it needs is some chicks. Then it would be cool.

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

Fire! Fire! Fire!

Butt-head

Cool!

Butt-head

This isn't as cool as Scarface.

Beavis

Yeah.

Beavis

Whoa! There's, like, a mouth in those pants!

Butt-head

Yeah. I think it's your mom.

Beavis

Really? I don't think that's her, Butt-head.

Butt-head

Well, your mom's a road slut.

Beavis

Yeah, but not with Mötley Crüe. She like, hangs out with bands like Foghat and stuff.

Butt-head

She's a slut.

Beavis

Yeah. My mom's a slut!

Butt-head

Is that that Howard Stern dude singing?

Beavis

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah! That's that dude with the tiny wiener!