[At the barn, Pig is attempting to hit a high note to break a glass bottle.]
If you can't break glass like that freak girl, we'll never win.
Aw, come on, Otis, I'm tired. My throat hurts.
No, it doesn't. That's your soft palate burning with the desire to win. Now try again!
Okay. La, la, la, la, la, la, la, laaaaaa...
Laaaaaaaaaaaaa--[chokes] Ow... Ooh... Ow...
Uh, Otis? I think he lost his voice!
[frantic] No! Don't you see? He did it! It's so high, it can only be heard by rodents and scorpions! Tell him, rodent!
[playing cards] I don't hear nothing. How about you?
SScorpion
[playing cards with Pip] Nope.
No, this isn't happening! Okay, don't panic, it's fine. You know what, it's fine. He still has a few hours to get his voice back.
Actually, he's due on stage in 20 minutes.
YOU AND YOUR TRUTH! Milk me, come on! [takes Pig]
PeckI love a good train wreck.
[looks at the watch] It's almost 10. Krebs will be here any minute.
And I'm so ready! [the others cheer] Yeah, I got my bags all packed and my flight leaves in two hours.
[voiceover] Yo, Beef Boy.
[As Otis hides behind Abby, Krebs approaches closer and his shadow becomes small revealing that he is actually a duck. Krebs quacks. The other animals are confused]
Hang on a minute. Where's Krebs?
What do you mean "where's Krebs"? He's standing right there.
Peck
Right where?
You mean, uh, behind the duck?
Otis? No, I haven't seen him.
No, not behind the duck, Krebs is the duck!
[The others look at Otis, gaze at Krebs for a moment, then laugh]
[Peck and Freddy approach Krebs]
We heard you're looking for Otis.
Peck
Otis is there, if you want him, you'd better go through us.
Hey, look, i don't want any...
Peck
Stupid duck says what?
[Peck and Freddy laugh]
Peck
You're in for it now, beak-face. You know why? I'll tell you why. Because we were the barnyard's champion taunters six years running.
Look, look, guys, i just want to talk to Otis, you see, I recently-
We know you are, but what are we?
Peck
Nice.
[Peck and Freddy laugh again, then high-five each other]
I'm warning you, cut it out.
[The duo make goofy sounds, taunting Krebs. Krebs's head throbs and his eyes bulge up, turning bloodshot. He then blabbers and shakes with fury as Freddy and Peck look at each other, worried, then spins into a fight cloud]
Peck
Hey, Fred, are you-?
Run away! [he and Peck try to run away from the fight cloud, but Krebs yanks them in, beating them up; poking out] Mommy!
[Abby gasps; Peck and Freddy are thrown into the barn doors]
He can't do that to our friends. Come on fellas. [charges toward Krebs with Pig and Pip at his side]
No, don't! He'll tear you into pieces while enumerating the parts of your body in an insulting fashion!
[The trio leap and begin to attack Krebs, but are caught in the fight cloud]
NNarrator
Two-hundred and thirty minutes later...
[Krebs continues beating up Pig, Pip and Duke]
[laughing] Oh, mercy! Come for the stupidity, stay for the butt-whupping.
I can't just stand here... To the well! AAHHH, WELL! [jumps in the well]
[doing stand-up comedy] So the platypus says, "At these prices, you won't get many more!"
[The others laugh.]
Boy, these earplugs are great! I can't hear a word he's saying.
[louder] I said, these earplugs are great!
No, I won't date your grandmother!
I won't date Pig's grandma!
Thanks, I'm using a new shampoo!
Peck
I also enjoy monkeys!
[about the sign in front of the Farmer's house] Guys, it says "Welcome Buyers". Clearly, the farmer wishes to receive units of monetary currency in exchange for a gooder item currently in his possession, in this case, the farm.
[The others all talk at once in agreement.]
Peck
That makes sense.
AAnnouncer
3 seconds later...
[The animals panic.]
[gasps] Where are we gonna live?!
What if the new owners make us work as pack animals?!
Peck
What if they eat us?!
What if they make us fight each other in gladitorial combat?!
[Seeing Otis' disguise.]
[gasps] Your lounge singer costume is terrifying!
Peck
Oh, are you a circus ringmaster?
Or a late-night TV mattress salesman?
I got it! You're a rich dolphin trainer with a troubled past.
Oh, for... I'm supposed to be a real estate agent.
OOthers
[understanding] Oh...
[Beat.]
[crying] I can't believe no one showed up to my family reunion. The Buyer family has always been so close.
Buyer family? "Welcome Buyers..." Oh, milk me, his last name is Buyer! Guys, he wasn't gonna sell the farm.
Peck
You mean, we scared away his family?
How were we supposed to know his last name is Buyer?
[Montage start.]
MMailman
Delivery for Mr. Buyer.
AMAnswering machine
You've reached the Buyer residence.
I'll get this stump out, or my name isn't Buyer, which it is. That's my name. My last name is Buyer. B-U-Y-E-R.
OOfficer
This is the FBI, Buyer! Come out with your hands up!
You'll never take Farmer Buyer alive!
[Montage end.]
Yeah, we're not psychics.
[In the farmer's house, Abby uses a Spotted Ferrets website with an image of Inga on a computer]
Okay, here's a Spotted Ferrets website.
Awesome! What does it say?
Let's see. It says on her wedding day, the lady spotted ferret builds a commitment den.
Then the male gussy himself up for the ceremonial courtship dance.
And following the dance, she eats her mate's head.
Okay, what are we going to get them?
Holy Cud! She's gonna eat Freddy's head!
Huh. So I guess the hat is off.
Peck
No wonder she's the only spotted ferret left! She's a head eater!
There won't be a reception; female spotted ferrets eat Their mates' heads on their wedding night!
Look, marriage is all about compromise. You give a little; she eats your head... [Inga eats his head and the animals scream; muffled] It's okay! Just a little love bite.
[The animals pull Freddy's back from Inga's mouth]
Peck
Come on!
Abby, quick, the spot remover! [grunts] Now!
[Abby and uses the spot remover to spray off the fake spots]
[muffled at Inga's mouth] Are we married yet?
[looking surprised] Huh? [from off-screen, she spits out his head; tumbling Freddy onto the side of the hole] Freddy, you're not a spotted ferret! You lied to me!
[packing up] No! The wedding is off! And to think, I almost ate your head! [walks off sobbing]
Baby, don't go! I can change!
[rushes to Freddy] Freddy, she was eating your head!
We were working through that!
[walks up] Hey, where's the happy couple? We got you a panini press. [Freddy bawls hysterically as he walks away] I knew I should have gotten the fondue set.
[interrupting Snotty Boy from shooting earwax at the farm animals] Eugene!
[irritated] I'm... BUSY!!!
[talking through a megaphone] Come home! I have a wonderful surprise for you!
A surprise? I like surprises. [chuckles] You're lucky, cow.
[storms off] I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!
[The animals all get up and groan from Snotty Boy's attack.]
Alright, is everyone okay?
Peck
Sorry, I can't hear you. I have wax in my ears, AND IT'S NOT MINE!
Peck
[can't hear] What?
I don't like the sound of this "big surprise".
I don't like the sound of vacuums!
Peck
Pip, could you please tell the weasel to pass the syrup?
Dude, leave me out of this.
Pip, you tell that mistake of nature he can have the syrup after he passes me the salt.
Oh, well, in that case, no.
Peck
Tell him only idiots eat pancakes with salt.
Otis! Otis! I figured out what the whale's been saying. He's saying, "chase me."
"Chase me"? He must think this is some sort of game. How do you say, "please give our friends back" in whale?
Oh, that's easy It's-- [eaten by Schmoozy]
WOULD YOU STOP EATING MY FRIENDS?! At least your still safe, Peck!
Peck
Yeah, knock wood- [knocks the TNT and explodes while he Screams and the ship begans to sink]
Okay, that was kind of our fault, but this general predicament an still be largely attributable to you! Schmoozy!
Otis, I can't believe that phony Big Bones is getting the credit for your mustache recipe.
Mmm. Who cares? Freddy's imitation rooster is awesome!
[Everyone else agrees.]
Hey, wait a minute. Where's Peck?
[Everyone looks at their forks, thinking they ate Peck.]
[monotone] Aaaaaaaaahhhh.
[Otis uses a plunger on his mouth. Just then, Freddy and Peck enter.]
Peck
Hey, guys. What's doin'?
[Everyone is relieved to see Peck.]
I don't even wanna tell you what we were thinking.
That the secret ingredient in tofrooster is dandruff? How'd you guess?
[Beat.]
[monotone] Aaaaaaaaahhhh.
[still suffering from indigestion] AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
RRooster
[singing opera] Aaaaaaaaaahhh!
[At Mr. Wiggleplix's funeral, Pig is sobbing at Mr. Wiggleplix's grave.]
Peck
Friends, we're gathered here remember Mr. Wiggleplix. He lived a short, full life until Otis crushed him with an anvil.
Otis, since you often, maybe you'd like to say a few words.
Um, yeah those words would be "no".
Otis, you've got to! It says so in "What to Do Your Friend's Imaginary Friend's Funeral"!
Oh, okay, fine. [gets up and walks to the "R.I.P. Mr. Wiggleplix" sign] Uh... Mr. Wiggleplix was transparent. I, for one, will never forget how I was never able to see any type of physical manifestation of this... [looks at the sign] uh, giant top hatted koala.
Hedgehog! He was a giant HEDGEHOG!!! [runs away in tears]
Yeah, first, you off his friend, then you call him a filthy koala!
Oh, okay, first, I never said filthy. And second, HE DOES NOT EXIST!
Back at the Barnyard · 303 quotes
