[writing personal advertisement for the Farmer] Let's see now...Gloomy farmer seeking anyone with pulse. Hmm...We should hot it up a little.
Write he's rich. The ladies love cheddar.
And he got to have muscles!
[writing] Rich, beefcakey farmer.
PigYes, but don't write farmer! Write [writing] exploding lion tamer.
Even more bulky! And write that he has a pony! [writing] Has a pony...
Okay, I will read it to you. Reflag 7-star number sign glare...Man, I wish we had fingers!
I can do it. [jumps on the keyboard] There, what do you think?
[reading] Wealthy, agricultural mogul with body of a Teutonic god wants to share his heart with you.
[Everybody likes it]
Check it out. That's the sixth night in a row they've been out together.
And you know what that means.
Pig
Their next date is free with the purchase of a large soda?
No. It means that the Saturday night party train is pulling back into the station! All aboard!
[Otis turns the switch on, starting the party. He dances in a conga line with the other animals.]
Otis wants to part-ay! Abby likes to part-ay! Pig, he is so pork-ay! Ferret, he likes satay!
[All stuck in the chicken coop]
Pig
Gotta say, not too crazy about the new digs.
I don't know. I kind of like it. It gives the chance to really know each other, like the various meats of a hoagie.
Freddy! Peck! Where are you guys? Pig's gonna eat your breakfast!
Pig
Uh, oh... Actually, uh...
I'm worried, Otis. They've been out all night. I bet they're cold, and hungry, and have terrible morning breath.
That's right! Run from the aliens! [laughs] Run before they suck out your brains and make smoothies with them!
Pig
Brain smoothies, huh? Do they use sherbert or frozen yogurt?
So, Bessy, I bet you're totally freaked out by these crop circles, huh?
Well, judging by the bits of cornstalk still stuck to your hooves, I say you made those crop circles.
And from the bruises on Pig, I say you probably rolled Pig around like a steamroller to do it. Am I right?
Pig
I got these bruises at a carnival.
And I bet he puked on Pip.
Pig
Did I? [Pip shudders, looking at Pig's filthy mouth, then runs away screaming] Wait! Come back! Did I?
[Pig has eaten all the corn.]
Pig
[weakly] Otis... Strange dream... Music... Corn everywhere. [his stomach gurgles and he groans] I don't feel well...
[sighs in disappointment]
It probably isn't digested yet! We can still use it! [jumps on Pig's stomach] GIVE US BACK THAT CORN, YOU PINK CORN-GOBBLING BLIMP!
[Pig, Freddy, and Peck are disguised as sheep.]
Pig
Eh, bee-ee-ee. No, uh... Boo-oo-oo.
Sounds like a case of the nervous woolies. [drags Pig away] This calls for drastic measures.
Pig
Uh... Bonsai! Bloopity! Bollywood!
[telling a scary story] And some say, when the moon is full, or really close to full... You know, like those times when you go, "Hey, look, it's a full moon," and somebody else goes, "No, man, it's not totally full. See the edge?" And you're like, whatever, dude, I can see the whole moon!
Oh, right. When the moon is pretty much full, you can still hear the shrieks of her helpless victims.
[The other animals, except Otis, react in fear to Pip's story.]
And that's why I hate veterinarians.
Pip, would you stop scaring them? I mean, you've never even been to the veterinarian.
Hey, I've never been hit by a meteor either, but I know it hurts.
Pig
Well, uh, enjoy your check-ups, folks, uh, I'll be in Guatemala.
This veterinarian madwoman will KILL US ALL!!!
[Otis and Pip are eating candy from their gift basket, while Abby, Bessy, Pig, Peck, and Duke are still inside the giant wooden moose.]
Man, this candy's good, isn't it?
Yeah, glad to hear it, Otis. Now, can you get us out of here, please? There's only one exit, and Pig's stuck in it.
Pig
This is so not shaboogie.
Uh, don't worry about it. Freddy'll have you out in no time.
[Freddy passes by with a ladder. He climbs up the wooden moose with the ladder.]
Okay, guys. This is my first moose, so close your eyes, pretend you're in a pencil cup, [holds up a chainsaw] and hope for the best! [starts cutting through the moose as the animals inside scream in horror]
[Otis and the animals are at the circus parade, standing behind the crowd of people.]
This stinks, I can't see a thing! [notices a water tower] Hey, let's climb that water tower and get a better view.
[The animals mutter with uncertainty.]
I can see fine from here.
[Otis sneaks behind the other animals, and imitates each of them.]
[imitates Pig] Good idea, Otis. [imitates Abby] Count me in! [imitates Freddy] I WANNA EAT PECK!!! [imitates Peck] What Freddy said was weird, but I also would like to climb that tower.
[The animals agree and head to the water tower.]
Pig
Well, since everyone else wants to.
[The animals are climbing the water tower.]
[grunts] Just a little bit higher, guys.
[A loud, low creaking noise is heard as the water tower shakes.]
Pig
Yeah.
Tell me that's your stomach.
Pig
Uh, it's not me.
[The water tower tips over. The animals scream as they fall off. The water tower crashes on the circus parade.]
Oh no, I smushed the circus!
[The crowd hears Otis, and turn around. They see the animals on all fours.]
Pig
Oink, oink.
Cock-a-doodle... eh, doo.
Where have you guys been? We're on live in 20 minutes.
Sorry, Peck. Freddy tossed the limo driver out of the car.
I told him not to look me in the eye. And would you please refer to me by my new name, this? [shows an abstract symbol on a piece of paper]
[spits out bottled water] What is this?! I specifically requested spring water from a Peruvian glacier. This is from some other dumb glacier!
Pig
[enters] Greetings, all. I'd like you to meet my entourage.
Hey! How come he gets an entourage?!
Pig, that's not an entourage, that's just an old goat.
Pig
Yeah, well, that's one more goat than you got, sweetheart.
I could've gotten a goat. [the three start arguing] I can get a goat! I can get a goat any time...
Pig
So go get one. I don't see you getting a goat.
[enters in a flashy suit, top hat, and sunglasses, speaking in a British accent] Ahem! Hello, mates. Are you all ready for tonight's telly broadcast? Huh? What-what? Big Ben. Fish and chips.
Otis, what are you talking like a pirate for?
Pig
And what's with the new clothes? You're gonna upstage everyone!
Sorry, blokes. I can't hear ya. As it turns out, I'm a huge rock star, right on!
[Everyone starts arguing as Pip records.]
Don't look me in the eyes.
Great stuff. Great stuff!
[Everyone keeps arguing.]
STOP IT!!! Just look at what success has done to us! [sobs] I thought we were all friends. I thought each of us contributed to our sound. Are you too self-centered to see that stardom... [voice breaking] ...is tearing us apart?
Pig
I'm sorry, what do you play again?
[normal voice] It's a thing that makes a noise. Why, it's clangy, is it?
Pig
Give us the first letter.
Is it bigger than a breadbox?
[fed up] That's it, I'm outta here! And I'm taking my triangle... with me!
Oh, I got it! It's a triangle!
Pig
Triangle. Oh...
Wait! Peck, come on, don't run out on us now! [the door slams]
Pig
Those breadbox players are real whackjobs, aren't they?
AAll
Happy birthday, Freddy!
You guys, you shouldn't have!
Don't be silly, Freddy. You're family. Oh, and speaking of family, we invited your parents and they're gonna be here any minute!
[horrified] AAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
Wow, he really is surprised!
Otis, my parents can NOT come here! You have to uninvite them!
Uninvite--? Freddy, they totally miss you. They can't wait to see you.
[sobs] No, you don't understand! They're not like you and me!
Oh, now, everybody thinks their parents are a little weird, Freddy. Mine put ketchup on their hay.
Pig
Yeah, and mine think leprechauns are stealing their gold.
You see? Pig's parents are stupid and crazy.
Pig
Oh, you know it.
Back at the Barnyard · 303 quotes
