Otis quotes from Back at the Barnyard

Abby

Otis, that thing costs, like, ten thousand tickets.

Freddy

Yeah, we'll never get that many.

Peck

Ten thousand?

Otis

Guys, did Napoleon quit when he needed ten thousand tickets to conquer France? Did that other guy quit when he needed ten thousand tickets to do that ten thousand ticket thing? No! I'm not saying it'll be easy. I'm not saying--

Snotty Boy

[during laser tag] Ha! You showed mercy! You're weak! That Z-Box is mine! Say goodbye, stupid enlarged kid!

Otis

Wait a minute. Kid, family, nougat, suspension bridges... Pig's pocket mirror!

When you wake up in the emergency room, tell 'em Donk E. Cheese sent ya. [gives Snotty Boy a wedgie]

Snotty Boy

[screams]

Abby

Well, Otis, you did the wrong thing.

Otis

I sure did, Abby. I sure did.

Pip

Yeah, it was actually pretty stupid.

Peck

Yeah, I mean, you just gave it to him.

Otis

[annoyed] I know what I did!

Abby

Otis, what happened to your leg?

Otis

Psycho asked me to help him move his couch, and then busted my leg, and said mean things, and the farmer decided to ride him to win the love of Bronco Betsy, and now he's doomed!

Pig

I get his raisins! I mean, after we get over the initial shock of this.

Yo, Otis. Offer him cinnamon.

Oh, ja, Santa is the silly for the cinnamon!

Otis

Ah, it's okay, Santa. We'll just drink all this delicious cinnamon eggnog ourselves, having a cinnamony good time. Nice meetin' ya, though. Cinnamon.

[beat] Did they tell you to mention cinnamon?

Otis

Yes.

Well, it worked! Let me at that bad boy!

Ach du Lieber! You broke Santa!

Now he can't finish delivering the presents, and we still got this county to go!

Otis

Okay, okay, calm down. We can work this out. Uh, maybe Santa can make it up to the county with some nice Presidents' Day gifts, huh?

Don't you know anything about Christmas?

Ja! If Santa's not finishing his rounds by midnight, the law of Christmas magic'll be kerfuftenzeiger! That means "broken"!

And if the law of Christmas is kerfuftenzeiger--

Broken.

Santa gonna lose his holiday powers permanently!

Und zat means no more Christmas, forever!

Otis

What?! You mean, I--

YOU KILLED CHRISTMAS!

Bessy

Nice going, sugar plum moron.

Otis

And now, back to the show.

Hey, that's my line! Do I go down to where you work, and do whatever it is you do?

Hilly Burford live from downtown, where some kind of crazy laser-shooting robot ostrich is weaving a path of destruction!

[grabs Hilly Burford with his arms] Let me help you across the street.

Hey, that's quite all right. Just put me down, now- Whoa! [Robo(Peck) throws him to the TV Screen]

Abby

We gotta do something before he destroys the whole town!

Otis

There's only one way to stop him.

Please don't say peanut butter.

Otis

There's only two ways to stop him.

You mean-

Otis

Precisely! Come on, kids. We've got a cyborg to build.

Duke

Stamps, these are my friends, Otis, Abby, Pig, Pip...

Pip

What's up?

Duke

Peck...

Peck

Hi there.

Duke

...and Freddy.

It's nice to meet you. I can't stay long, Dukey. We just want to stop by and get your blessing, then it's off to Vegas for the wedding.

Otis

Vegas? That's practically in Asia. Why don't you guys just get married here at the barnyard?

Oh, we wouldn't want to be a bother.

Abby

Oh, it's no bother. The farmer is away for the whole week at Fire Dance Camp.

In that case, we loved to get married here!

Duke

So, Stamps, where's my future bro-in-law anyway?

Right behind me with the bags. Here he comes now.

Duke

Look at him, carrying your bags all gentlemanly. I like this guy already.

Thanks, Darren.

I like you, too.

Duke

Baxter?

That's right. Your sister and I are getting hitched.

Duke

Whoa, whoa! [pushes his nemesis aside] Stamps, you can't marry this guy. He's a total conman!

Otis

Yeah, he stole Duke's identity and try to get him kicked out of the barnyard!

Abby

And then he tricked the farmer into adopting him and got Duke kicked out of the house.

Pig

And once he cut off a guy's hand and expelled him from the Jedi Council!

Pip

Dude, that was a movie.

Pig

I like movies. [a flashback shows Pig, disguise as a boy, watching a horror movie in a movie theater] Don't go in there, the monster's in there! Don't do it, old friend! You believe this? It's like she's not even listening. [answers the phone] Hey, I'm at the movies. Alice just went into the room where Dracula is waiting. Well, of course, I've warned her!

Duke

I'm telling you, this guy is trouble.

Dukey, it's okay. Baxter has told me all about his past, but he's different now.

That's right, Dakron, your sister's love has made me a new dog.

Will you please give us your blessing, Dukey? Please? [looks at her brother with puppy dog eyes]

Duke

Oh, geez, with the puppy dog eyes? Alright. But I'll be watching you, buddy. [makes an "I'm watching you" gesture]

Thanks, Dukey! Ain't that wonderful, honey?

It sure is, Cuddle-wuggles. Give me some sugar.

Otis

[shouting into Duke's ear, causing his brain to poke out of his head] Baxter is marrying your sister so he can kick your family's various buckets and get your fortune!

Duke

What?! [as he puts his brain back in his head] Why, that skivvy little mutt!

[hears a knock at the door] Oh, of all the-- Who could that be?!

Little Otis

Bagel delivery!

What?! I didn't order any--

[jumps out] DUDE!!!

Snotty Boy

Wow, Dad! Today was the best day ever!

Otis

That's nice. My skull's broken.

Snotty Boy

I can't wait to see what you have planned for my birthday party later!

Otis

Birthday pa-shwaaa?!

Snotty Boy

What?! You forgot?! But you promised me a party with friends and oil cake! This is filling me with RAGE!!! Where's my animal-hurting rocket launcher?!

Pig

Pancakes are ready!

Duke

Pig, that's cement.

Pig

Ah. Then, I'm very ill.

Abby

How long does cement take to dry?

Otis

Oh, about this long. [dries the cement with a blowtorch] Voila! Instant speed bump! No hot-wheelin' grannies are gonna turn my friends into roadkill!

[to Freddy and Peck] Know what I like about you guys? NOTHING!

Freddy

Meanie!

Peck

Oh, it hurts!

[to Abby] You have beautiful hair, ON YOUR UPPER LIP!

Abby

Why'd you have to say that?!

[to Pip] How's the weather down there, SHORTY?!

Pip

But I'm taller than you. It still hurts!

Otis

Listen, wormy. What say you just get on your hate wagon and hit the road?

Okay, dugly! I called you "dugly", 'cause you're dumb AND ugly!

Otis

Yeah, that's great. Look, your little schoolyard taunts don't work on me, so why don't you just dive back into your hole, and leave us alone?

You have to hang bacon around your neck just so puppies will play with you!

Otis

[in tears] How did you know that?! I'm a nice guy! Why do I have to hang bacon around my neck?! [weeps] Don't look at me!

Otis

Guys, guys, we all agree that Mrs. Beady's driving us crazy. So, Pig's just gonna have to throw her out.

Pig

Oh, not me, Otis. I'm not good at delivering bad news.

Pig

You've been fired from your job, so you can't pay the bills, and by the way, your wife is leaving too!

Aww...