[The barn is filled with clams.]
Otis, what are we gonna do?!
OtisI'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna sit back and enjoy the fun!
Otis, what are you talking about?!
Yeah, we got a situation here!
Otis
No, you have a situation, because for once, something is your fault! [laughs] Oh, that's rich! There was one clam before, but now there's a lot of 'em. Oh, there's gonna be more! And when the farmer gets back, he's gonna be all, "What are these clams doin' here?! I'll bet it was that she-cow's fault!" Oh, Abby, how will you get out of this one?
Hey, Otis, aren't you worried about walking and talking in front of this guy?
Otis
Don't worry. That's my buddy, Crazy Louie. He's a little... Um...
[dancing and singing] I like eggs, I like eggs! [higher voice] I like eggs, I like eggs!
Otis
I was gonna say "stark-raving gazonkers".
[Crazy Louie has been hit by a golf club.]
Otis
Louie! Speak to me!
Ow, my appendix! How will I process enzymes and convert them into simple sugars?!
How do you know it's your appendix?
Well, if you look at this x-ray, you'll see that my appendix, that's it, was on its last leg, so to speak. The doc said I'd be fine as long as no one hit it with a golf club.
Otis
[about the sign in front of the Farmer's house] Guys, it says "Welcome Buyers". Clearly, the farmer wishes to receive units of monetary currency in exchange for a gooder item currently in his possession, in this case, the farm.
[The others all talk at once in agreement.]
AAnnouncer
3 seconds later...
[The animals panic.]
[gasps] Where are we gonna live?!
Otis
What's to become of us?!
What if the new owners make us work as pack animals?!
What if they make us fight each other in gladitorial combat?!
Otis
Freddy, that was amazing! I mean, I knew about the head-popping thing, but how'd you pull off the laser eyes?
Well, I wanted my performance to be believable, so I went online and bought some real radioactive waste. [picks up a can of atomic waste and drinks it] Ahh. That's good waste!
[An Ask Dr. Pig segment starts.]
Hello, I'm Dr. Pig. What you just saw was a fictionalized account, intended to inspire humor. Drinking atomic waste will not give you super heat laser vision. Watch as I dispel this common myth. [he drinks some atomic waste] You see--
[Pig groans and growls as his eyes glow green. Pig bursts through the barn doors, having transformed into a giant, hulking green pig monster in purple shorts. He roars, and does a super jump across the barnyard. He sees some army helicopters overhead.]
Why army always hound Pig?! Pig smash! [he throws a tractor into the air, causing the helicopters to scatter] PIG SMASH YOU ALL! [roars]
[Cut back to the Ask Dr. Pig title card.]
AAnnouncer
The producers of Barnyard would like to apologize for the previous scene. Drinking atomic waste will neither give you heat laser vision, nor turn you into a hulking pig monster, as I will now demonstrate. [drinks atomic waste, then his voice gets higher in pitch] Oh, no. What's happening? I'm shrinking! Oh, why did I drink that atomic waste?! I never got to see Paris! AAAAH!
[An old lady on a scooter arrives at the barnyard.]
Otis
Good afternoon, old one! Let me guess, you're a buyer.
OOld lady
Why, yes, I am, young fella.
Otis
Fantastic. Hey, have a good look around, just, whatever you do... DON'T GO IN THE BARN!!!
OOld lady
What are you talking about?
Otis
Well, it's quite silly, really. I mean, hardly worth mentioning, but I will, anyway. You see, the barn has a teeny tiny... PORTAL TO THE UNDERWORLD!!!
[The barn doors open, revealing a ghastly green glow, showing Abby, Peck, Pig, and Freddy as shadowy figures with glowing red eyes.]
OOld lady
Oh, I'm not afraid of the underworld.
Otis
Well, I don't blame you for wanting to skedaddle-- WHA?! Oh, well, um... Did I mention this place is infested with... ZOMBIES?!
[Fake zombie arms controlled by the animals rise from the ground.]
AAnimals
Old lady brains...
OOld lady
Oh, dear, they're more afraid of us than we are of them.
[The "zombies" groan in disappointment as they sink back down.]
Otis
[shakes the old lady's scooter] IS THAT AN EARTHQUAKE?!
OOld lady
Really gets the blood flowin'!
AAnnouncer
4 hours later...
Otis
[holding locusts in his hand] We have locusts.
[The old lady picks the locusts out of Otis' hand and eats them, much to his shock and disgust.]
OOld lady
Them's good eatin'!
Otis
Why would you eat the... [groans] That's it! [removes his wig] I'm a talking cow!
OOld lady
Oh, well, we're all special in our own way.
Otis
[fed up] AUGH! I give up, you win! The place is yours, here, take the keys!
OOld lady
AAH, KEYS! My one true fear! Make it stop! MAKE IT STOP! [drives away]
[crying] I can't believe no one showed up to my family reunion. The Buyer family has always been so close.
Otis
Buyer family? "Welcome Buyers..." Oh, milk me, his last name is Buyer! Guys, he wasn't gonna sell the farm.
You mean, we scared away his family?
How were we supposed to know his last name is Buyer?
[Montage start.]
MMailman
Delivery for Mr. Buyer.
AMAnswering machine
You've reached the Buyer residence.
I'll get this stump out, or my name isn't Buyer, which it is. That's my name. My last name is Buyer. B-U-Y-E-R.
OOfficer
This is the FBI, Buyer! Come out with your hands up!
You'll never take Farmer Buyer alive!
[Montage end.]
Otis
Yeah, we're not psychics.
Otis
Guys, I appreciate your concern, but the button is big and shiny and looks like candy, so--
Otis
Wants to press it...
[The other animals try to hold Otis back, but he presses the button.]
Otis
Whoops. That's a big pile of not good.
[The barn explodes. Far away, Snotty Boy watches.]
[points at the explosion] Ha-ha!
[In the farmer's house, Abby uses a Spotted Ferrets website with an image of Inga on a computer]
Okay, here's a Spotted Ferrets website.
Otis
Awesome! What does it say?
Let's see. It says on her wedding day, the lady spotted ferret builds a commitment den.
Then the male gussy himself up for the ceremonial courtship dance.
And following the dance, she eats her mate's head.
Otis
Uhh...
Okay, what are we going to get them?
Otis
Holy Cud! She's gonna eat Freddy's head!
Huh. So I guess the hat is off.
No wonder she's the only spotted ferret left! She's a head eater!
Otis
There won't be a reception; female spotted ferrets eat Their mates' heads on their wedding night!
Look, marriage is all about compromise. You give a little; she eats your head... [Inga eats his head and the animals scream; muffled] It's okay! Just a little love bite.
Otis
Grab him!
[The animals pull Freddy's back from Inga's mouth]
Otis
Abby, quick, the spot remover! [grunts] Now!
[Abby and uses the spot remover to spray off the fake spots]
[muffled at Inga's mouth] Are we married yet?
[looking surprised] Huh? [from off-screen, she spits out his head; tumbling Freddy onto the side of the hole] Freddy, you're not a spotted ferret! You lied to me!
[packing up] No! The wedding is off! And to think, I almost ate your head! [walks off sobbing]
Baby, don't go! I can change!
Otis
[rushes to Freddy] Freddy, she was eating your head!
We were working through that!
[walks up] Hey, where's the happy couple? We got you a panini press. [Freddy bawls hysterically as he walks away] I knew I should have gotten the fondue set.
[interrupting Snotty Boy from shooting earwax at the farm animals] Eugene!
[irritated] I'm... BUSY!!!
[talking through a megaphone] Come home! I have a wonderful surprise for you!
A surprise? I like surprises. [chuckles] You're lucky, cow.
[storms off] I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!
[The animals all get up and groan from Snotty Boy's attack.]
Otis
Alright, is everyone okay?
Sorry, I can't hear you. I have wax in my ears, AND IT'S NOT MINE!
Otis
I don't like the sound of this "big surprise".
I don't like the sound of vacuums!
Back at the Barnyard · 303 quotes
