I found this, Wayne. Should take the chill off the room.
WayneYou'd need a bloody blowlamp to take the chill out of the atmosphere, though, wouldn't you?
[Setting the rug down] 'Tis true you wouldn't win any popularity contest at the moment.
Wayne
[Moving a chair and some throws] Look, if I'd known old Arthur was going to reach that badly, I'd have thought twice about strumpin' his daughter, wouldn't I?
Yes, and having had those thought, you'd still have gone and done it. [Starts laying the rug as Wayne sweeps the debris from its path] Knob law, that's what you're ruled by, Wayne. As soon as there's a fire in your loins, there's a freeze-up in your brain.
Wayne
Yeah, but normally it's only me that suffers, ain't it? Grazed knee from shinning a few drainpipes, the odd pulled muscle from doin' it to the old Bolero at 45 instead of 33. [Bomber looks up, still mad at Wayne] Yeah... Look, I might have dropped me mates in it 'cos I couldn't say no to an afternoon of passion, but she wasn't 'alf worth it.
Well that's some consolation to us, Wayne(!) [Gets up] Right... while you finish your jankers, I'll have a scout around, see if I can't find some mattreses and cushions. [Leaves the room...then pokes his head around the door] You'd better decide which one of the twenty-two bedrooms you're gonna lock yourself in!
Mind that snake there, Moxey.
Where? Where?! [Drops the sandwiches onto the ground.]
Ho-ho! So much for special undercover agent Mulcackey, eh? Falls at the first fence, doesn't he?
[Picking up the sandwiches] It was hardly a fair test, Oz! Anyone would react to a snake warning, no matter what his name was.
Ah, it's only what the police'll do, though, Brendan. You can't expect them to write you a letter tellin' you when they're comin' to see you.
I know, I know. I'll just have to concentrate a lot harder. Anyone want a butty? These are ham. [Bomber grabs one.]
I'll have cheese and chutney. [Neville grabs one of the sandwiches on the chair. Wayne come up to get a sandwich from Moxey, who turns away from Wayne.]
[Grabbing the last sandwich from the tub] Not you! [Wayne turns to the chair.]
[Grabbing a sandwich from the chair] Thank you!
Wayne
[Taking the last sandwich from the chair] Oh, I see. Gonna be like that, is it, eh?
Sorry, Wayne. You can't expect any consideration from us when you show none in return!
Who is this Brendan... Mulcahy anyway?
No, it's not. It's Mulcahy. It's the name on the papers.
Yeah, I know. I can't pronounce that, though.
What's the point of havin' it as a false name, then?
I didn't have any choice in the matter, y'know. I didn't go to Rent-a-Name. It was an alehouse in Kilburn. I could hardly call meself F-F-Fitzherbert C-Carruthers!
Well, it's just as well. You can't pronounce that either, can you? Who is Brendan Mulcahy anyway? I mean, does he exist, or is he just a creation?
He's probably a dead man.
Wayne
And I know how he feels.
See, what happens is, one Mick snuffs it over there in potato land, an' his family flog his passport an' that to another Mick so he can come over here an' work, y'know.
That's not all he might get up to either.
What? D'you mean the IRA, Bomber?
IRA bomber's right. You might find the anti-terrorist squad on yer tail, Brendan, as well as yer ordinary plods!
You're really reassuring you are, Oz(!)
Wayne
[Tapping the bar] Another pint here. When you're ready.
Wayne
Now, now, now, Tiger. Don't overdo the sarkiness. [Barry tries to stifle his laughter] Otherwise we'll have a little video showing for the brewery, won't we? Show 'em what their tenants get up to after hours.
[Bringing the pint over] Did I ever tell you the time when I was taken prisoner in Malaya?
No, I don't think so, no.
These little gooks with coloured hair put me in a bamboo cage. [Wayne glances briefly at his dyed dark red hair] They abused me with sticks, humiliated me. They thought they were safe, you see, 'cos I was behind bars. Then I was rescued by my pals in the SAS and as a revenge, I strung the little bastards up by the ankles and horsewhipped them! That'll be 87 pence or do you want this one on the house(?)
[Keeping score as Moxey throws] 21... 399. [Moxey collects his darts from the board, and gives them to Oz] Has he said owt to you yet?
Happy Harry, man. Pringle.
No, nothin' Mind you, I'm not exactly lookin' for conversation.
[As he throws] I'm just waitin' for one word out of line, me, an' I'll pin his ears to the bloody dartboard with this!
There's still a bit of an atmosphere in here, isn't there?
Aye. Reminds me of a funeral parlour, Bomber.
Ah, come on, Neville. You were moanin' when wor were banned from here. Now yer moanin' 'cos we're back. I mean, just be grateful for small mercies, eh?
I am. Just find it a bit depressin' to round off me workin' day sittin' in a place where I'm not really welcome.
Could be worse for me. I could be goin' home to the wife. [Dennis laughs]
My wife's not like that, though, Bomber. Always makes us feel welcome when I get back from work. Always got a kiss for us, a cup of tea, talk about what sort of day we've had, play with the bairn for an hour.
Me? What makes you think that?
Look, why don't yer take the weekend off? Go up and see your Brenda.
Don't think I could afford to lose the money, Den.
It's only for one day, we're not workin' on Sunday.
Could I? [Dennis nods] But... would you not be a man short for Saturday?
I think Den would rather be shorthanded than have you long-faced.
[Cheered up] Ah. Good lad. [Gets up to go to the bar] My round. [Shouts to Oz and Moxey] What do you want, lads? Same again, is it?
Hello, Neville. Nice weekend?
Oh, aye. Not bad, thanks. Ate too much, of course!
[Eating from a tin] Cannae whack the wife's cooking, eh?
I'll say... [Holding back that he'd made the Sunday lunch] Is Dennis about?
Wayne
Yeah. He's upstairs sulking in the office.
Aye. We had a gan at him this afternoon in the bar, y'kna, aboot this job and Ally Fraser an' that. Didn't seem to take it all well, like.
Anybody fancy a cup of tea? [Everybody shouts except Barry who's been trying to cook a sausage on the fire, only for it to catch fire!] Everybody? Fine.
Hello, Nev. [Neville puts a mug down on Dennis's desk] Did you have a good time?
Aye, not bad. Nice dinner with your Norma today.
Oh, aye? She all right? [Pours some brandy into the mug.]
Well... no, she's not all right.
She's worried. About you and Ally Fraser.
Well, I'm hardly having an affair with Ally Fraser, if that's what she thinks...
No, but you're more than just an employee, aren't ya?
What are you getting at, Nev?
[Getting defensive] Has Audie Charlies been jangling it again, has she? Look, there's nothing in it, Neville, man!
Isn't there not? It would explain a lot of things, Dennis.
You bodging this conversion, for a start. It's not like you to put up with shoddy work, Den. No, unless that's what Fraser wants from you.
Neville, in case you hadn't noticed, the construction industry in this country's knackered. We can't be too choosy about the work we do anymore because it might be the last we're ganna get! Look, if I can keep my head about water and feed my kids by skimping on a conversion for Ally Fraser, I'm ganna do that, man. So would you!
You must owe him an awful lot of money to talk like that, Dennis. [Dennis realises his secret is out.] How much?
[Quietly] £6,000. At the last count. And that's not including interest, like.
Which, knowing Ally Fraser, will be about 50%! Why, Den? For God's sake...
You wouldn't understand, Neville, man! Look, you've got a happy marriage. And I've never had one. I mean, yer kna what it was like for me when I came back from Germany, what with Dagmar and... [Sighs] For a while I tried to make things better by throwing money about. I was wrong, wasn't I? By the time I realised I was wrong, it was too late. I'm in a hole now, with Ally Fraser looking down at me.
Well, why didn't you tell us? We're your mates!
It doesn't concern you, Neville, not directly, anyway!
It does! If we're having to compromise ourselves as well, it does!
Neville, man, it's just a piddling little four-week job. If I bring it in on time, into Fraser's meagre budget, I'm in the clear. And if I don't... well... I might just end up in the Tyne with my pockets full of bricks.
[Singing] Oh, don't forsake me, oh, my darling / On this our wedding day... [Stops singing and tilts his hat up to see Ally's Jag approaching] I think the boys from the brown stuff have just arrived! [The Jag stops in the grounds. Big Baz and some other goons get out as the lads gather.]
Er... did I ever tell anyone I was a Quaker?
BBBig Baz
We've come to persuade you back to work.
Wayne
I don't suppose we can reason with 'em, eh?
I think it's too late for that now. [Barry puts his glasses on.]
[On seeing Harry take a large monkey wrench out of his holster] That's what I call a monkey wrench.
Oh, yeah. I know how to use it, an' all! [Throws it at the goons, it hits the Jag and breaks the windscreen. The goons and the lads rush towards each other.]
Don't hit me, don't hit me! I'm a bleeder! [The goon grabs Barry. Meanwhile, Bomber grapples with Big Baz.]
[With a goon, arm behind his back] Anyone got a match? I'll set fire to this bastard! [The goon uses his other elbow to hit Moxey and punch him to the ground.]
[On another goon's back] Yeah! The Fightin' Side of Me, Oz. Remember that? It's one of Merle's best! [Oz smashes a chair over another goon's back and knocks him out.]
[Gets on another goon's back. To Neville] Get him! Go on, hit him! [Neville starts punching at the goon's torso. Barry faints.]
[To Big Baz] If you fights dirty, I can get angry! [Grabs Big Baz and punches him in the face. Barry wakes up and runs away. Oz jumps on top of the Jag and leaps on Barry's pursuer, sending all three to the floor. Oz punches him out while Barry gets up. He almost kicks him, but pauses.]
[To Barry] Do you want to? Go on. [Barry feebly kicks the goon.] There!
Wayne
Well, what's the word then, Den? Are we out of a job of what?
No, no, no. Listen. Ally's finally agreed to put some proper work in at the Manor. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief]
I knew we could twist the bastard's arm over that.
But, there's a little, small, er, as you might say, there's a small snag.
What, he wants us to take a cut in wages?
No, no, he wants us to do this next job for him...
We haven't even finished this one yet, ha' we?
[Walking in] 'Ey, I'm knackered! 'Ey, we've been thrashin' along today, havvn't wa?
New incentive scheme, Dennis, sangria and señoritas. Works a treat.
It's a load o' bollocks, really, yer kna. We're only gannin to Skegness! [Bomber and Neville laugh]
I tell yer what it is - if Fraser doesn't come up with this Spanish trip, I'll personally brick 'im up alone in that shithouse.
Wayne
Listen, Oz, if this trip don't come off, you can brick me up there in there with him. I don't think I could live with the disappointment. Marbells... you've got your pick of your Euro-crumpet in Marbella.
We're supposed to be gannin there to work and earn a bit o' money, Wayne. Remember Money?
Ah, you're wasting your breath, Nev. I think Wayne has invented a new form of currency - wages for sex.
[Sighs] It's crucifying me this, lads. I mean, hearin' all this, knowing I can't come.
An' there's no way you can get out of it, Harry?
Not unless they put her dates back. I mean, fancy havin' open heart surgery at a time like this, eh? I mean, it's really inconsiderate, in't it?
It is a bit of a pisser, like, 'cos we're bound to need a plumber when we get over to España, aren't we? Kna what I mean? That's just one of the things they haven't yet cracked, isn'it? Like playin' football without hackin' each other to death, or buildin' hotels where all the windows fit, or gettin' all the hairs out of the backs of their bacon rind. These are some of the things what the Spics haven't mastered.
Wayne
Can I help you, squire?
Oh, hello. No, I was... just admiring the car. Yours, is it?
Wayne
Yeah, that's right.
Wayne
Yeah, BMWs normally are.
No, I meant the registration. [Points to the number plate.] "D-HB", that's the district of Düsseldorf, isn't it?
Wayne
Perhaps. 'Ere, listen, seein' as you're so bloody good at initials, how 'bout F.O.?
Wayne
Didn't think you would(!) Look, what's all this about, mate? The car ain't for sale, all right?
Glad to hear it, because having already avoided import duty, you wouldn't want to break the law again, Mr. Wayne Winston Norris? [Shows his ID] Customs and Excise. [Tears a sheet of paper from his pad] Your receipt, sir. Keys, please, sir?
Wayne
I've gotta find about 800 quid before I can reclaim her. 'Til then, she stays there.
You haven't got the money, presumably, have you?
Wayne
About 799 short of the mark, to be honest.
Well, er... now we're workin', I can pay you some back again tomorrow, then after the next couple of weeks with Ally's bonus for finishing, that should cover it, shouldn't it?
Wayne
Nah, nah, it's all right. I can find the money, I'm just a bit annoyed with meself for getting caught out. See, when I drove it through Harwich, I told 'em I was just a visitor, didn't I?
Well, you are just a visitor, aren't ya?
Wayne
You what? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But what I mean is, I should've put it in the wife's name, eh?
Can it not be registered in Christa's name now?
Wayne
It's too late for that, Den.
Wayne
'Ello, 'ello! Only three hours? I thought you said you weren't a speed freak!
Ah it's not bad, Wayne. Y'know, I mean you could've built a garage in that time, never mind repair one.
Well, I hope you don't expect to be paid for this afternoon.
...Just pour us a cup o' tea, will ya?
Come on then, blow-by-blow account!
The boy looks wrecked. She certainly taken it out of him.
[Sighs] Unbelievable. It's the only word for it. Unbe- I mean if I told yer, yer wouldn't believe it, so...
Well we won't know till you tell us, will we?
Well, yer kna what I was saying in the bar the other night aboot, eh, aulder women?
Yea, experience an' all that beef... Dear me! This one... this one makes Simone Signoret look like Shirley Temple, that one!
Doesn't mean nowt to me! I've never seen either of them.
Well I'll try and put it another way.
Wayne
You obviously did(!)
Yer kna when footballers get to a certain age, they've gotta slow their game doon? Yer kna, but they seem to get to be better players because of experience, yer kna. Like Johnny Giles, Leeds and Éire. I feel like I've been playing with somebody like him after ninety minutes of soccer.
It's funny you should mention that about footballers, Oz. 'Cos the only older woman I ever had looked like Billy Bremner! [Everyone laughs]
Wayne
Now I can get my beloved motor out, eh? Can I borrow your van, Den?
Aye, sure, yeah. Here y'are. [Gives Wayne the keys]
Wayne
I'll, erm, probably need someone to drive it back.
[Oz opens a bottle] Yeah, what?
Off you gan wi' Wayne, make sure he doesn't spend his finishing bonus on the way across.
Because we've spent two months tarting this place up! I don't want a lunatic like you in there pissed!
I'm still the gaffer, so get gan!
[As he and Wayne get out of the van] I've telled him to get these brakes sorted! [They look inside the pound. Wayne's car is just behind the fence]
Wayne
There. There, look. [The car is still dirty.] 800 quid and they ain't even bloody cleaned it.
[Scoffs] They've probably been out joy-ridin' in it, man. Did yer check the clock before you give 'em it?
Wayne
Y'know, I didn't think of that!
I'll come in wi' yer, I'll tell 'em I'm yer legal adviser. If yer get any grief, I'll nut 'im.
Right, it shouldn't take long, Mr. Norris. You have the full amount with you, I presume?
Wayne
Of course. [Throws the money down on the desk.] There it is. It's in pounds though, not Deutschmarks. Is that all right, sunbeam(?)
No need for any sarcasm, thank you, sir. [He starts to count the money]
There's nae need to count it, man. It's all there.
I have to check it, sir... just in case you've given me too much.
Wayne
Ere, listen, seeing as I've paid you up in full, I don't reckon you can tell me who shopped me, can you?
Certainly not, that's privileged information.
Wayne
I thought it might be. [Oz looks around the office and sees a photo of a woman on the cabinet behind Wayne. His eyes widen - it's the mature woman from the Barley Mow! He clears his throat to attract Wayne's attention then nods towards the photo. Wayne turns and glances at the photo, then turns back to the customs inspector] Just looking at the photograph. Lovely lady. Who is it?
That happens to be my wife, sir. [Oz turns away]
Wayne
Very attractive, wouldn't you say so, Oz?
[Turns back] What? Oh, yes, uh-huh... Not my cup o' tea, like, but... tidy bit o' tackle.
[Gets up] Right. I'll get you a receipt, Mr. Norris. Won't take a minute. [He leaves the office, glancing at a sheepish Oz as he does.]
Wayne
[As soon as the customs officer is out of earshot] Well, I declare, as they say in the trade! [Laughs as they gather by the photo]
Can yer believe it? It's ironic, really isn'it, when yer think aboot it. If he hadn't've nabbed your car, I wouldn't've knobbed his wife!
Wayne
Poetic justice, that's what I call it. 'Ere, talking of justice, you keep dog eye, because I want to check out who shopped me. [Oz goes on lookout while Wayne opens a foolscap wallet. He goes through the documents.]
Wayne
Hold on... [He finds the relevant document] Hold it, here we go... "Dear Sir, acting on information received from a Mr. Arthur Pringle of the Barley Mow Inn..."
[Scoffs] Pringle... Might've knaan it'd be that old bastard!
Wayne
Hello? Arthur? Yes, this is Wayne Winston Norris with your early morning call. [They all laugh]
Is this your idea of a joke, you cretin?
Wayne
No, no, no, I'm not joking 'cos I know you ain't got a sense of humour. See, look, why we're ringing is to say bye-bye, 'cos we're off elsewhere, y'see, and to tell you about the little going away present we've left ya. Now look, if you care to look outside your front door... [Looks at Neville, who tries to stifle his laughter. Pringle opens his front door... to discover it's been bricked up!]
LThe Lads
[Singing] Wall meet again, don't know where, don't know when, but I know wall meet again some sunny day! [On the outside the words "Wall Meet Again... Baconballs!" are written on the wall]
Wayne
Ta-ta, Arthur! [The lads jeer and laugh]
Wayne
...No. I can't give you a number, I'm in the north of England, aren't I? ...Look, if this Spanish job comes up, I'll be away, so I just thought maybe we should get together and... [Fraught] Alright, if you can't, you can't, okay? Give me love to your folks(!) [Puts the phone down and follows Brenda into the kitchen.]
Hello, Wayne. Did Neville get you some lunch?
Wayne
Yeah, shared some cottage pie with Debbie.
Where is Neville? [Fills a kettle]
Wayne
Taken her down the park. She's a lovely kid, eh?
Wayne
If you're making some. Here, look. [Tosses some money onto the worktop.] I used the phone, that should cover it.
I'm sure that's too much, Wayne.
Wayne
Well, I did rabbit on a bit, and it was to Germany.
Phoning your wife, are ya? Neville said she was in Germany. She visiting her family?
Wayne
Yeah...
Fancy some toast? I'm starving.
Wayne
[Sits at the kitchen table] Well actually, Christa isn't visiting her parents... she's gone back there. She's pregnant.
Wayne
No it ain't. She's not sure whether she wants to have it, but, she is sure she don't wanna stay with me. [Brenda comes to the kitchen table and sits down.] I blew it, Brenda. See... I really wanted to be married to her, you know, but... I guess I'm just too immature to be married.
Wayne
Yeah. Look, the point of loving someone is to prove it to 'em, right? Which means giving all the rest of the birds the elbow, not responding to every bit of skirt that passes you in the street, not being tempted by and bird that flashes you in the boozer, you know. I mean... I wanted it both ways, and... that's out of order, isn't it?
Wayne
'Ere, look, don't tell Neville about this, eh? I don't want the lads to find out. You're the only woman I've told about this apart from Hazel.
Is Hazel one of the other women?
Wayne
No. No, Hazel, Barry's fiancée Hazel.
Wayne
[Laughs.] It's funny, innit? I find it so much easier talking to birds about this than fellas. Suppose that's the old ego, eh?
You know, Wayne, if you tell Christa what you told me and Hazel, well that might make all the difference in the world.
Wayne
Nah, it wouldn't. Not unless I changed, and I can't see that happening, love. I mean, basically I want every woman there is in the world. Present company excluded, of course!
[Not knowing whether to be complimented or insulted] Oh, thanks very much!
Wayne
Oh, no, no! Not that I don't find you attractive... No, I mean, I wouldn't do it with a mate's bird, nah... Not that I wouldn't want to... 'Cos, if you know what I mean with me mate... and you're very... so we could... [Brenda chuckles to herself as Wayne gets more flustered. The toast pops.]
[Getting up to see to the toast] I think I understand, Wayne! It's not uncommon in men of your age. You seem to feel... you need to prove that your sexual magnetism still works.
Wayne
Yeah, yeah, I suppose that's it then, eh?
[Sitting with his back to the stripper] Well... I'm sorry I'm not yer genial host tonight, lads. I mean, any other time I'd have been happy to... drag ya roond the flesh pots of the north east, yer kna, but... Oh, it's just this thing with me kid, I mean, it's weighin' heavy on us.
Wayne
[Not taking his eyes off the stripper, as is Moxey] I'm sure it does, son.
I mean, I kna what yer think. I kna what everybody thinks for that matter. You think that I'm irresponsible. A bit of a heid-the-baw. A bit of a...
Yeah, oh all right, Moxey! All right! Yer not always rowin' with all yer oars in the water yersel', yer kna!
No. Fair enough. Sorry, Oz.
But I'm still 'is father, isn't I? He's still me kid. [Turns around for a second to the stripper, then turns back again.] You have to put yersel' in my place. Wayne, man! [Wayne finally turns to Oz] Put yersel' in my place, man, with this business with the kid, man. Because you're married, aren't you, eh? If your bird pissed off and left yer, how would that feel, eh, if she went back to Germany?
Wayne
Who's been talking to you, then?
[Confused] Naebody, man, I'm talkin hypothetically.
Wayne
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Well, I mean, can yer imagine if she had a sprog, eh, and she dragged him back to Düsseldorf? You'd never see it again. Can you imagine how that would feel?
Wayne
[Quietly] Yeah, well, I can, as it happens...
Yer do things on the spur of the moment, Oz, without ever thinking them through. I mean, where were you gonna take the lad, eh?
Well I wasn't gonna hang on to him, man, I only wanted twenty four hours with him, to find out how he feels aboot this trip abroad, man. Find oot how he felt about this Sandro gadgy. And she wouldn't let us anywhere near the bairn, so I had to dae what I did, didn't I?
Well she'll be even less disposed to let you see him now.
Ah, so you met the Italian in question, did you?
Aye, yes, we exchanged one or two words, yes.
What sort of person did he seem then, Oz?
Well, he seemed perfectly affable and pleasant and polite, but I mean ye cannae gan on that, can yer? He's a waiter, he's trained to be.
Wayne
Oh come off it, Oz. You said in the car that he was a nice enough sort of bloke.
Aye, but them were first impressions, weren't they? He's gotta be a bit micey if he wants to lob up with my Marjorie!
[Holding a couple of mugs] Shall I do another pot? [Everyone murmurs in agreement]
No, I'll do it, pet. [Exits into the kitchen]
So, when do they leave, then?
If you ask me... just in my opinion, like... I think living in Italy might benefit the lad. I mean, he'd had the climate, when he comes back he'll be bilingual, a wonderful advantage. I only spent one night in this area and I'll tell you it was a bleeding terrifying experience!
Yer can't judge a place on one night, man!
[Overlapping with Dennis] What's wrong with this place? We've all seen Wolverhampton, it's not exactly Beverly Hills, is it?
Here we are. [Places the mugs into the sink.]
Ah, you didn't need to do that. I'd have seen to it.
That's all right. Just glad to get out of the smoke. [Picks up a tea towel and starts drying up]
Oh, you've not left your wife, have you, and run off with a sailor?
[Smiles] If you do, you'll be the first to know.
Honestly, it's been like Heartbreak Hotel here this week, I'm thinking of leaving me job at the hospital and taking up marriage guidance!
Well, we'll be off in a couple of days and you can get some peace and quiet.
[Enters the kitchen] Brenda?
The kettle's not ready yet, pet.
No, could you come and have a word with the lads, please? [Brenda takes off her gloves and goes into the living room. Bomber takes over doing the dishes.]
Brenda, er... We're all agreee we think Oz has got a case here. I mean, we think that he should see his young lad before he's whisked off to a foreign country.
Oh, I quite agree, Dennis.
The main problem is the situation with Marjorie is... delicate, to say the least. I mean she has to understand that Oz seeing his son won't be a threat to her. I mean, that's only right and proper.
So, er, we thought the best way to convince her would be, erm... if you had a word with her.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
