WayneOh hello, Bren.
Hello, Wayne. Are you all on your own?
Wayne
Yeah. Lads have gone down the pub. Said I'd babysit.
Wayne
I didn't fancy it. And, er... I wanted to speak to Christa, you know, sort of privately, like. Here. [Reaches into his pocket and pulls out some money and puts it on the coffee table.]
I'm sure that's too much, Wayne. It's cheap rate after all.
Wayne
Yeah, but there was, er... quite a lot of heavy dialogue tonight.
Oh dear... Look, there's some Cointreau on that sideboard over there. Why don't you pour wor both one, eh? [He does so.] So, she come to a decision, yet?
Wayne
Yep. She's gonna have the baby.
Oh, that's a relief. I am glad.
Wayne
But... she ain't gonna have me back. [Brings the drinks over] So, the good news is I'm gonna have a kid by the woman I love. And the bad news is I'll probably never get to see it.
It's ironic, isn't it? You and Oz have similar problems.
Wayne
How'd you get on with Marjorie?
Well, she's agreed to let him see the boy. Took two bottles of Chianti, though!
Wayne
You're a marvel you are, Brenda. Here, you don't fancy popping over to Dusseldorf, do ya? Doing the business on Christa, eh?
Wayne
Hello. Goin' out, are we?
Yeah, I'm goin' down to Cannibal's. It's this club that Ally owns.
Wayne
Yeah, yeah. That's right. We were there last night.
D'yer wanna come down tonight? I could leave your name at the door.
Wayne
D'you mean me, or all of us?
Well... why, like? D'you always do everythin' as a group?
Wayne
Oh, no, no. I do loads of things on me own.
Wayne
Mind you, it might be a bit off tonight, eh, 'cos I am Ally's guest, ain't I?
Wayne
Maybe we can leave it 'til Spain, eh?
Wayne
A bit of dancing, or something.
Well, we'll have to see about that, won't we? [She smiles as she closes the window.]
Wayne
Yeah.
[In quiet but warning tones] That's mine.
Wayne
Lovely motor, squire.
The food doesn't seem so good tonight, does it, Wayne?
Wayne
There's no difference in the food, son. It's the mood that's down the crapper.
Well, it's got to be said... [Burps] ...this latest development with this Martin gadgy, I mean it's took the shine off the trip to Spain to everybody, hann'it?
Of all the blokes in Newcastle, you had to pick on him.
He picks on a lot of people, Nev. So the odds aren't that outlandish!
Hold on a minute, hang on, it wasn't me who started that barney, it was that Martin gadgy, man, wann' it?
Wayne
Hey, hey, if you remember, the incident occured because you tried to get into his old lady's knickers.
Oh, hey, hold on! I don't think you're one to point the finger aboot that, do you, eh? We've been dropped in the clarts plenty of times by your rampant member, haven't we?
Wayne
They never forget, do they?
C'mon, lads. Fair's fair. That Martin's a born headbanger. And I can't say I fancy working alongside him.
Hey, Moxey! Where've you been?
I called 'round your house, Den, and er, your sister said you were all in here.
[Calls down the table] Give him a chair, somebody.
Before I do, though, there's just a couple of things I'd like to say, y'know. Er, I've got me passport sorted out, y'know, so I can go to Spain. There's no problems there.
[Sets a chair at the head of the table for Moxey] Fantastic!
But I know I've caused you lot a lot of aggravation, y'know, with all this duckin' and divin' an' that, so, er, well if you don't want us to go, y'know, I'll understand, and there'll be no hard feelin's.
Get this man a drink! He's the guest of honour.
Guest of honour? He's the man of the year as far as I'm concerned! [Shouts to a waiter] Another one here!
Wayne
You've turned up, sunbeam, that's what you've done.
Somebody better tell that Martin fella to forget it.
The Magnificent Seven rides again! Yahey!
You came in the nick of time, my son.
I'm made up! You lot don't exactly owe me any favours.
It's you that's doing us a favour, man. [Stands up, glass in hand] A toast, to Moxey! [They all raise their glasses]
It's great to have you back! [Moxey smiles]
Francis Fogarty? [Laughs] Where did you get Francis Fogarty from?
Well it wasn't my idea, y'know. If it was up to me, I'd like to be called Derek. But no Derek died in Kilburn on Tuesday.
RRussell
Party of ten for Swallow Tours. Are you all here? Let me have your tickets and passports, and we'll get you checked through.
Want a Playboy for your Neville?
I'm not getting that, it's disgusting!
[Laughs] Cosmo? Ooh, I'll have that after you.
Listen, pass us down the Nursing News. There's a really good article about... [The rest of their conversation is drowned out by the airport tannoy, and they pick magazines.]
AAAirport Announcer
Passengers for Flight 213 to Málaga to Gateway 2, please.
Wayne
[To Debbie] I think it's very noble of your dad to bring you and your mum along, you know? 'Cos it'll keep him out of mischief! Listen, d'you know why? Because we're going to be sampling all that pulchritude down there. [Laughs.]
There'll not be much of that, man. The tourist season's well finished.
There'll be enough, divvn't you worry. Anyway, with a bit of luck, we'll have sorted summat out before we land.
Wayne
'Ere! Are you trying to tell me, right, that on this charter tour, there ain't gonna be a surplus of salesgirls, secretaries, hairdressers, the lot, eh? I tell you, we'll be well locked off before we've even landed, son!
RRussell
[At the check-in line] Check-in over here, Mr. Patterson. [The group join the check-in line. In front of them is a large group of pensioners.]
Wayne
Hold on, what's all this lot, then?
RRussell
It's the Spennymoor & District Senior Citizens Society. They go every year. You were lucky to get those seats! [Wayne's face falls.]
I wouldn't waste any time, Wayne. I'd steam in now! [Cockney accent] Get it all locked off, son! [Laughs.]
Shall we get a cab to Marbella, check that out?
Nah, I just wanna get to me pit. [Burps.] Christ, I've had more excitement in Berwick on a wet Sunday afternoon.
Wayne
Yeah, let's put the lid on this one, eh?
Mind you... it is Tuesday. [Everyone stares at Barry.] What I mean is, er, nothing ever happens on a Tuesday, does it?
I think Newcastle won the Fairs Cup on a Tuesday.
I knew this bloke once who killed himself on a Tuesday.
Wayne
[Bored] Been in here, had he?
It's nice to think you could retire to somewhere like this. I suppose the best I could hope for is a caravan near Clevedon overlooking the Bristol Channel.
At least people would talk to you there, Bomb. You'd have neighbours and friends. Where out here, you'd probably wind up next to some people like that couple who hoyed us out of their pool today.
Aye. I know we were trespassing, like, but as soon as I seen his face I hate him. He's just the sort of person that makes you ashamed to be English.
In all fairness, Oz, he probably feels exactly the same about you.
What? Well, he shouldn't, should he? 'Cos I'm isn't. He is. He is. Every time I see his sort, the hairs on me back curl up!
Yeah. A prick, in my language. He's the sort of bloke who'd sit in the golf club all day, moaning and groaning, or write to the papers about [Posh accent] how people don't pull their weight. [Normal accent] Then what does he do when he cops his pension, eh? Whoosh! Body sweve doon to Spain so he'll not get collared wi' nae tax!
Er, when did you last pay your income tax, Oz? Was it...
What's that gotta do with anything?
I thought you lads might be a bit thirsty.
Oh, San Miguel? [Wayne and Nev take a beer from the tray.]
Vicky, just bring that over here, will you? I'll take care of that. [She puts the tray on the table] There you go, gentlemen, help yourselves to a beer. I'll be with you in just a moment. Uno momento. Vicky? [Goes into the villa. Vicky follows.]
Wayne
Always wondered what our Vicky would look like unwrapped.
Look, Vicky, when we've got these cowboys around the place, it might look better if you didn't go around flaunting yourself.
[Looks down at her bikini-clad body] Who's flaunting?
D'ya think that bikini's the height of discretion? I used to use bigger plasters to cover my pimples.
Yes, well, you don't complain as a rule, do you? [Reclines on the sofa]
Well, as a rule, I don't have seven randy brickies running around the patio!
Well, there's going to be no point in going out is there? I mean, I cannae sunbathe, I cannae go for a swim 'cos there's nae water in the pool, I cannae play me records 'cos I cannae hear them for the concrete mixer...
Are the arrangements not to your liking, Vicky?
Is the villa no longer up to scratch? May I just remind you that two years ago, when you were a manicurist at Maison André, your idea of the holiday of a lifetime was a fortnight at Redcar!
Listen, I travelled before I met you, Ally Fraser. Me and me friend Barbara had two successive summers in Magaluf.
Och, well, in that case... In that case... [Picks up the phone and hands it to Vicky] Why don't you just give Barbara a bell? See if she's still got the tent!
Afternoon, Ally. Didn't expect to see you back this early. [Fraser produces a copy of The Sun.]
Is that an English paper you got there?
That's right, Oz, I've got an English paper. Something I'd like to read to you here, boys, I don't want to take up too much of your valuable time. If you just gather around, please. [The lads down tools and gather round Fraser.] Right. Are we all sitting comfortably? Then I'll begin. [Reads from the paper] "Spain's Costa del Crime is still a haven for the growing band of Brits who Scotland Yard are," quote, "'anxious to question'. Kenny Ames, 47, who persists in denying he was Britain's King of Porn, continues to sun himself on his luxury yacht in Marbella."
Ah, that sounds like the one we were on, is it?
[Continues reading] "No doubt, his companions, newly arrived from England are business associates." [He puts the paper down for the others to see.]
[Pointing to the photo] Hey, that's us!
Hey, look at that! Centre spread!
Wayne
I've seen much better photos of me than that one, though.
What's Brenda's folks ganna say?
[He picks up where Fraser left off.] "I spoke exclusively to the new arrivals in their luxury hotel."
"They were evasive about their reasons for being in Spain, one of them claiming that they were members of the Wolverhampton Aqualung Society." [Looks at Barry, then back at the paper.] "Research has shown that no such club exists. Meanwhile, police continue their search for the gang who pulled off the daring payroll robbery in Sheffield last week." [The lads voice their disdain.]
Wasn't that geezer who was buyin' all the booze in the bar the other neet called Nick?
Is this your idea of keeping a low profile?
Why, that story's a load of bollocks!
I know that, and I bet half of Fleet Street knows that, and in their effort to discredit this story they'll be down here buzzing 'round you like flies 'round a jam jar!
Well, why don't we just tell 'em we're ordinary gadgys?
[Presses the paper to Neville's chest] Working on my villa, I suppose? Well that's precisely exactly what I'm trying to avoid, my friend!
Wait a minute, I mean, we can still be ordinary gadgys. Just down here on holiday. We just have to make it look convincing, that's all.
And how do we do that, Dennis?
Well, er... you'd better give us the rest of the week off.
GGeoffrey
Good heavens! Look at this. [Gives the paper to Pauline, who looks at the photo.]
PPauline
I'm not surprised. [Throws the paper onto the floor.] One only had to look at them.
GGeoffrey
I sometimes wonder if Worthing wouldn't have been a better idea.
[Shouts to Wayne] Oi-oi, London! What's happenin'? Owt you can't handle, send 'em up to me. [Wayne returns to the lads.]
Wayne
Not much joy out there, Oz. See, they're Norwgeian, ain't they, and you know what your only point of reference is when you're Norwegian, don't ya?
Wayne
Open deck sarnie, ain't it?
Wayne
You what?
Wayne
Well, that's probably why they're a bit sticky, then, innit?
RRonnie
Sorry to interrupt, but I can see you're busy.
SSid
[Pulls out a dictaphone] Have you lads got a few words to say to the press?
[Scoffs] Aye, yes. I've got two, and the second one's "off".
Go on and beat it. We're in enough trouble because of you buggers.
RRonnie
We know about that, but we want to help you lads.
Wayne
Here, you wouldn't happen to know the Norwegian for "Can I get into your knickers?", would you? [Chuckles]
SSid
Look, the more you stall us, the more difficult it's gonna be for you in the end.
Look, look. [To Wayne] Gan have a swim. [Wayne walks off. To the journalists] Look, that rubbish in the papers wasn't true, right? It was a load of crap, alright? We're not bank robbers, man, for Christ's sake!
RRonnie
Lovely, we wanna believe that too, so we can write spoilers on that crap Nick Wheeler wrote.
SSid
So, just tell us who you really are and what you're doing here, and we'll all go home. [Holds his dictaphone right in Oz's face]
Just mind yer own business! [Shoves the dictaphone away.]
RRonnie
Hey, hey, you're not helping us, son!
Look, boyos, what that bloke wrote was a load of cobblers. We know it, so why should we have to prove it to you?
SSid
So we can deny it on your behalf.
Wayne
[Returns] Oh yeah? So the other mob can deny it again, and erm, it's a vicious circle, innit?
'Ere, I've had enough of these bastards! [Snatches the dictaphone from Douglas] I'm gonna bury them in the sand, head first, eh?
RRonnie
Hey, hold on, hold on.
Head first! [Takes the tape out of the dictaphone and throws it away, before throwing the dictaphone away.]
RRonnie
Here, hold on, son!
RRonnie
We can always head back to England and write you up as holidaying scroungers from the dole queue!
SSid
It's all right! It's all right, it'll probably take a day or two to realise it's all in your own... [Turns round and sees Bomber stood up and glaring down at him.] ...Come on, Ronnie! [The two journalists run away.]
Remind me not to buy the English papers when I get home!
Wayne
Oh, I'm not so sure, Bomb. I mean, at Ally's party, you know, in Geordieland, I definitely got a flash off that one.
You mess around with her and bollocks it up for the rest of us, you'll have more than a flash off me, Wayne!
Wayne
Eh? Don't sermonise me, Bomb! You're not past a bit of lechery yourself. I saw you the other night, down the casino. Two young travel agents from Preston, eh? [Chuckles]
Nothin' I did with them is gonna come back on us lot. [Quiet for sternly] Off limits!
[Now on the terrace] Mornin', lads.
[Hard at work on the tiling in the pool with Neville] Hello.
[Stops what he's doing] Right, I'll not be long.
[Inspecting the lads' work] Eee, mind, this place is comin' on. You'll be finished here soon.
[Chucking rocks from the deep end to the terrace] Aye, we divvn't hang aboot, us lot, yer kna.
Er... what are you ganna do when the job's finished, Oz?
Me? I don't kna. S'pose I'll have to gan back and... face the grim reality of Margaret Thatcher's Britain. [Has a swig of his beer.] Unless your Ally coughs up a finishin' bonus, like. Then I can postpone it... for a week.
An', er... take off somewhere, like?
Ah, well, me an' Barry had planned tae have a slow tovy back through France. But now with his, yer kna, fiancée, we've had to give La Français the big E, so to speak. So, I'll be on me own, as usual.
I'm... very sorry if my personal affairs have intruded on your plans, Oz(!)
Not my plans, pal. You were the one that wanted to gan an' see the shite hooses of the Loire.
'Ey, I've always fancied San Tropez, meself. I think there's more nightlife. An', I mean, well, it's more sophisticated than this, like, isn'it?
Oh, aye, yeah. Definitely. Give me San Tropez every time!
[Fanning himself with his hat] I envy Den, me. At this moment, he'll be sittin' in an English pub, murderin' an English pint.
You're a strange bloke, you are, Nev. Ever since I've known you, you've always wanted to be someplace else. There's people down here paid a fortune to enjoy this hot Spanish sunshine.
Yeah, well he'd rather be drinking warm ale in some manky pub in Gateshead.
Yeah, but if he was there, then he'd wish he was here.
Wayne
[Still smarting from being carried off by Bomber while in mid-conversation with Vicky the previous night] I reckon that Bomber's on Ally's payroll. Acting like my naffing chaperone. I was on with that Vicky last night, I'm sure I was.
Look, obviously the lass has problems, reet? Obviously, she's vulnerable that this point in time. Even to your transparent overtures. But it's not gonna do us much good, is it? An' it's not gonna do the lass much good if ye leap on her bones!
Wayne
Oh, I see. So you've joined the moral majority, have you?
What is it with you, eh? I mean, yer nuts aren't gonna gan rusty down here, are they? I mean you've got Spanish boilers, French tarts, German tarts, Swedish tarts, Danish tarts, British tarts... I mean, from Málaga to Gibraltar, it's wall-to-wall totty. So why Vicky, eh? Is it the danger? Does the thought of gettin' yer knees shattered give yer a great big bonk on or summat?
[Gets out of his deckchair and puts his hat on] Right, lads. Shouldn't we be gettin' back to work?
What's all this? Are you deputy gaffer, or what?
No, it's just if we start a bit early, we can finish a bit early. Get a few jars in.
Aye, right. [Gets off the cooler he's been sat on. Bomber also gets up.]
Oh, by the way, the drinks are on Haze tonight. She's asked me, like, to ask you, to join us for cocktails at the Hollywood Bar in the port.
'Ey! Well done, Barry, you cracked it! What a strike, kid!
What are you talkin' about?
Barry an' Hazel invite us for cocktails. If any of you know cause, or just im-p-p-pediment ye are to declare it.
Wayne
Don't be coy, son. An announcement is obviously imminent.
Yeah. Good lad, Barry. Have you got a date yet?
Look, I'm not getting engaged! Right? It's just that Hazel won some money at the casino last night and she wants us to celebrate.
Oh, er... £500, thereabouts.
Blow me. She's an heiress! I'd shut the gate on that one if I were you!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
