WayneHe's got a bleedin' nerve, that Barry, eh? Asks us all up here to help 'im out then does a runner.
Went to see Hazel, didn't he?
Wayne
Against my explicit instructions, yes! All those hours I wasted in Germany tutoring 'im in the ways of the opposite sex.
I'm not so sure they're your strong suit anymore, otherwise you would've had to pay for those two birds last night.
Wayne
Cheap at half the price, son.
Wayne
You weren't there, were you, Mox?
No. But I was. And I heard them turnin' you away! [He and Neville chuckle]
I dunno what you were thinkin' of in the first place, I thought you were supposed to be a married man now.
Wayne
[Gets up, defensively all of a sudden] Christa and I have an understanding, Neville. We've got a modern marriage.
What, you mean it won't last? [Wayne points at Neville, then goes to sit on the windowsill]
Where is that lad, er... whats-his-name?
Oh, does he? [Shouts] Trevor? [Looks to the window directly above Wayne where Trevor is painting] Trevor!
Trevor [Opens the window] The name's Trev.
Whatever it is, sunshine, put the kettle on, eh?
I'm not a bloody tea boy, you know!
Wayne
Well, what are ya, then?
Well, we're skilled craftsmen doin' a mate a favour, so put that bloody kettle on! [Trevor slams the window down, showing debris on Wayne below.]
Wayne
Obviously a graduate of the John McEnroe school of charm and decorum.
Mind you, some of my skills are a bit rusty.
You not been doin' much of this then, Bomb?
Oh not a lot, no. It's a treat for me, this, laying bricks in the fresh air, after some of the jobs I've been doing!
[Coughs] 'Scuse me? [The lads stop work] Er, d'you have any idea where Barry Taylor is, please?
Wayne
Wish we did, my dear.
We think he's with Hazel. That's his fiancée.
[Looking at the gap between the dining area and the kitchen] ...but why did you knock it down?
Wayne
We thought that was the general idea, like.
It was supposed to be a connecting hatch.
We just wanted to make a start, seeing there's that much to do before you and Barry can get married.
[Turning to Trevor] 'Ere, you!
Why didn't you tell us she didn't want that wall down?
'Cos the skilled craftsmen never asked me(!) [Walks out]
Oh... it's not your fault. Barry should have been here.
Wayne
Ah, well, he's not here 'cos he's gone looking for you after what happened last night. And the reason for that, Hazel, is entirely down to me. See, I took him down the pub. Well, we hadn't seen each other for yonks, and, er... we sort of got involved with nostalgic reminiscences.
He was ever so upset when he realised how late he was.
Didn't sleep a wink all night.
He left the pub to go and see you, but apparently you wouldn't let him in.
That was childish of me. I was just so furious with 'im! I should've had it out then and there.
Yeah, you should've done, then he wouldn't have got breathalysed.
Wayne
Yeah. Both, please. [She hands him a cup.]
Have some cake. It's fresh.
Wayne
I won't say no. [She cuts a slice of cake. Wayne hands her a plate and she puts the slice on it.]
[Sighs] I find this rather difficult, Wayne, because I don't know you. But, d'you know, I feel as though I do through Barry, 'cos you were his closest friend in Germany, weren't you? [Wayne looks confused] He said you used to do things together, y'know, visit museums on his motorbike.
Wayne
[Lying] Yeah, yeah. I miss that(!)
Well, that's why I wanted to talk to you. About Barry.
Wayne
Oh look now, Hazel, if it's about last night, I've told you, it weren't the lads' fault...
I'm not talking about the Chinese restaurant, Wayne. I'm talking about the entire last two years. Our engagement, in fact.
Wayne
Ohhh. Been goin' out on the piss a lot, is he? ...'Scuse me, I mean, has he been sort of, er, goin' out with the lads, havin' a couple of...? [Makes a drinking motion]
No, no. When has he had a chance? That poor lad went to the Falklands, you know. And he did that for us, for our house, for our future.
Wayne
Well, I don't quite see what you're driving at, Haze.
Well... sometimes I have to ask myself if he's ever had a chance to, you know, slow down, take stock, and ask himself if this marriage is what he really wants.
Wayne
I see... [Puts down his cup and plate, then pulls out a Snoopy plush toy he'd been sitting on and puts it aside] ...or is it, er, have you had a chance?
[Glances down] Maybe. With all the sacrifices he's made, my emotions are a mixture of guilt and gratitude.
Wayne
It's a bit late in the day for all that, ain't it, love?
It's with all you lot arriving and finishing the house. Suddenly everything seems so much more... well... imminent.
Wayne
Well... how can I help?
I thought, well, while you were up here, you might have a word, you know, just the two of you, and try and discover his real feelings. Would you do that for me?
Wayne
Yeah. That's all right, there's no bother.
Wayne
See... all these pre-marital jitters is par for the course, like, you know.
All that's behind you now, isn't it? Barry showed me a picture of your wife. She's... she's very pretty, isn't she?
Wayne
...Yeah, yeah. Very.
Oh, why don't you ask her to come up at the weekend?
Wayne
She's in Germany.
Wayne
[Quiet] Sort of, yeah... she's there indefinitely. Now look, don't tell Barry or the lads about this, eh?
No, no. Of course not, I wouldn't dream of it, no.
Wayne
Well, look, I probably shouldn't be telling you this under the circs, should I? But you mustn't worry about your Barry. Sound as a bell, Barry. Not like me! [Chuckles] I'm a bit of a flake, you know, a Jack the Lad. Always have been. Suppose that's why she left me. She said, "I'll come back when you grow up!", she says. [He and Hazel laugh] Could take a bit of a while, that, eh?
Hello, Dennis. Didn't expect you back so soon, mate.
Didn't expect you back at all.
Aye, well, I had a bit of business to take care of, but I came back because I've had this proposition. Might interest some of you lads. Now, er... there's good news, and there's bad news attached to this. Which one do you want first?
Oh, eh let's have the bad news.
Right, okay. [Whistles. Oz enters.]
Right, lads. He wants a quick conversion, so he can sell it over the odds and make a tasty profit, see?
Ah, the unacceptable face of c-capitalism.
Aye, that's right. But we're gettin' paid top whack, so...
Well, I've already seen the drawings. I reckon there's at least... two months' work.
Oh yeah. Two months, ten weeks...
I'm in charge, Barry, so there'll be no gaffers, eh?
This bloke... wouldn't happen to be Ally Fraser, would it?
Wayne
Who is this Ally Fraser?
Oh look, man! His money's just as good as anybody else's, Neville, isn'it? Or are ya snowed under wi' work offers at the moment, like?
Well, I'm game. Life-savers for Bomber. Bloody sight better than being bounced about the ring and having old ladies stubbing fag ends about your arse!
I fancy it. I'm f-fairly free.
Can't see it appealing to him. Not with a BMW and that scrumptious little wife at home.
Wayne
Yeah, I know about all that, but I mean if it's only for a couple of months, could be a giggle, couldn't it? [Throws a can of lager to Oz.]
Well... if it's only a couple of months, I suppose so.
Right, so you're all in then!
Ah well, I'd be with you straight away, you know, for old times' sake, like, but er... the impending nuptials...
We'll miss your sparkling repartee(!) Eh? Barry Taylor, the prince of trivia. [The others, except Barry, laugh]
Monday?! But that only gives you... four days to finish me house!
Better get crackin' then!
All right, lads, move yerselves!
Oh, don't say that! Not after that bloody curry we had last night!
Listen, Wayne, we're bound to lose each other, there's a great big motorway caff just before we come off the motorway, right? Be there for brekkie.
Wayne
Right.
[As he leaves the motel with his bags] Hold on, I've not had me cup o' tea.
We've already had tea! We were supposed to be on the road an hour ago!
Look, Dennis, if you're ganna be the gaffer on this new job, you'd better get summat straight straight away.
We're still entitled proper meal breaks, right?
And travelling time to the job an' back. An' another thing: don't go usin' Barry's gaff as a yardstick for our workrate neither, right?
Nah, we'll spin this one out a bit longer.
[Noticing Barry's van about to pull into the car park.] Oh, here comes Barry to see us off. [Barry pulls up in front of the lads and gets out of his van.]
Wayne
What's wrong with you, mate? You look worse than what Moxey feels.
I hope you 'aven't come to tell us your cheques is gonna bounce.
Nah, nah, nah. I've just come to get the address of the place where you're going to, like.
It's no bother, I'll write it down for yer.
Awww, isn't that nice? He's gonna write us a postcard from his honeymoon.
Won't be a honeymoon. Won't be a wedding. Nah, Hazel needs to think things through, like. So, be with you in a couple of days!
Wayne
Ah, yes. This reminds me very much of my gaff in Tilbury(!) Not so much gardens. Mind you, on the other hand, I don't suppose they have the pong from the lino factory, eh?
[As he and Oz start to walk round to the back] I lived in a place like this once.
I did. The borstal near Prestatyn.
What's Ally planning to do with this, Den?
Timesharing units, they call 'em.
All self-contained, like?
Aye, we'll put lots of bathrooms in, yer kna. Kitchenettes.
Well, there's a stack of overtime, aye, because he wants the job done fast. So I wouldn't reckon on seeing your Brenda too often, mate.
Ohh, 'ey, don't tell me you're heading for the broken homes club as well, are ya?
Oh, of course not. I'll just be glad to get me head down and get some solid graft in.
[Trying to open the back door] See if this opens.
[Nudges Moxey and pulls out the knife from the motorway services from his boot] Watch and learn, son. [He uses the knife to try and open one of the windows.]
What's the drill then, Dennis? Are we supposed to wait around 'til he [Fraser] shows up? Bomber could murder a pint.
Wayne
We passed a nice little pub in the village.
Aye, well you lads go down there. I'll have to stop here, man.
Wayne
Watering the geraniums, I suppose. [Shouts round the corner] Here, Oz! Mox! Come on, we're going down the boozer.
Hey, Bomber. Don't let the lads make a day trip of this, mind, will yer?
Leave it to me, Dennis. I'll keep 'em in order. Pint and a pie. [As they walk off, they hear sounds coming from the house.]
Hey, Den, listen. [He hears footsteps.] I thought you said this place was empty.
It is, man. Oh, aye. Apart from the monster. Didn't want to let yer kna about that in case it frightened you off, like, yer kna.
[Posh accent] What are youse peasants doing on my property? There's a notice there what clearly states that members of the working class will be exterminated. Now piss off! [They all laugh.]
[At the jukebox] Oi! [Pringle goes from serving a customer in the lounge to the public bar.] How often d'you get these records changed, lad?
Nothing to do with me, that's up to the brewery.
Well, the bloke from the brewery must love Duran Duran. You haven't got one decent record on here, man!
Wayne
[Getting up] Same again, is it?
No, no, I promised Den I'd get you all back.
Back to work... [Drinks his pint]
Just going for a piss. [Heads for the toilet.]
'Ey, better get Den summat to eat, eh?
Wayne
Got any of them pies left, squire?
Wayne
Got any Scotch eggs?
Wayne
Have you got anything hot?
[Checks his watch] It's after two.
Look, we've got this mate and he's not eaten, so what can you offer?
Crisps, or... that sandwich. [Points to the sole sandwich left in a food cover.]
...we'll take that, then. [Pringle takes the sandwich out.]
[Looking around] I don't think we'll be coming back here in a hurry, d'you?
[Drinking the last of his pint] The beer's not bad. Canny drop.
No, I'm not talkin' about the beer, man. I'm talking about mine host, Happy Harry the wing co.
[Offended] Are you referring to me?
Well, you're obviously ex-RAF, aren't you, eh? Judging by all the crap you've for hanging up on the walls, anyway. When did you get pensioned off, then?
I resigned six years ago.
Ah, six years ago. That'll have been a nice easy stretch, was it?
Between Suez and the Falklands there wasn't a lot of action. About as much as we'll find 'round here.
I trust you'll go and find it somewhere else!
This place looks all right.
No, I don't reckon this place is a good idea.
Eh? We've been all over the place, Oz.
I thought that Mrs. Armitage seemed nice enough.
Wayne
Nah, you know what that's gonna be, don't you? "Wipe your feet before you come in and lights out after ten."
Course we can always stay with Ally at the Cross Keys at £50 a night, like.
Well if we don't find somewhere soon, we're gonna end up kipping down at the house.
Wayne
I don't fancy that.
Look, man, it's only for one night 'til we find somewhere permanent. Some of us are starving because we didn't get any dinner!
Alreet, alreet. Suit yerselves.
Right, let's gan in. [Gets out of the van, noticing the others don't.] What's the matter?
Wayne
Well, you're best at this sort of thing, Den. Y-yeah, you handle it.
Do you lads kna somethin' I don't?
Evening. Er, have you got any rooms free?
Er, you couldn't manage three twins, could you?
Yes, I think I can manage that.
Champion. [Pringle returns to the bar. Dennis goes to the front door and calls out to the lads.] Right, lads. No problem. [He goes to the bar.]
That'll be £18 a night, and I don't take credit cards.
That's okay, we prefer cash anyway. Er, I tell you what, give us five pints of this bitter to start with, please. [Pringle starts pouring the beers as the lads enter with their cases.]
Hello again! [Pringle looks up with a look of bewilderment!]
Where the hell have you been?
I dossed down here last night.
You look bloody frozen! [Picks up Neville's jacket] Here, lad. [Throws the jacket over Moxey's shoulders]
Wayne
So what's the word, then, eh? I mean, I think you owe us an explanation, mate. [After running away after the sight of a police car the previous day]
Yeah... I've been in prison, see.
We kna that, man, but that was yonks ago, wasn'it? It doesn't mean you have to shit yerself every time you see a police.
No, I mean I've been in recently. Like last week. An' I'm not due out 'til next March.
What, you mean, you've went over the wall?
Well, it wasn't a closed nick. I was in an open prison in Cheshire. Wasn't as if I had to dig a tunnel or rent an helicopter. I just walked out the front door. Bought a Toblerone at the post office and got a bus to Macclesfield.
I've got a mate there. He gave us a float and I made me way to Barry's.
Wayne
Yeah, it's a bloody lunatic thing to do, Mox.
If it was an open prison, you must have been dealt with fairly lenient.
Oh I was. I'm not a Grade A villain! I just got done for the old trouble.
Yeah. You see, with me, they know that it's a ps-ps-psychological defect, as opposed to a cr-criminal tendency.
Ah, they also didn't want a prison burned to the ground, did they?
Wayne
Yeah, but blimey, Mox, if it was an open prison, you must've had life pretty cushy, eh?
It's still stir, Wayne. It's still people tellin' you what to do an' when to do it! I had a year of it ahead of me.
Wayne
Well, they'll have a bloody sight more when they nick you, mate.
Wayne's right. If you give yourself up, you'll be caned for your walkabout. But if you don't, and you get collared, you'll be looking at two years.
Suit yourself. [Gets up to start work.]
Wayne
I'll say no more.
Aye, don't worry, Moxey. We'll look after yer.
Maybe we could light a fire, eh?
That's a good idea, that...
Wayne
Er... no. No, not you, Moxey. I think I'll do it.
BMrs. Bellamy
Good morning.
BMrs. Bellamy
I'm Helen Bellamy. I owe you gentlemen an apology. It was I who sent the policeman here yesterday. I'm afraid I thought you were criminals. [Oz chuckles.]
I suppose we did look a bit out of place, like, roond here.
BMrs. Bellamy
Mr. Ames, er, talked about doing some work on the house.
It's not Mr. Ames we're workin' for. This is owned by a Mr. Fraser now.
BMrs. Bellamy
Oh? It's been sold? I never saw any signs. None of the local estate agents had it listed. Of course, Mr. Ames was rather a mystery man. My husband and I met him once when we were raising money for Oxfam. He made a very generous donation. And then one day, we opened the Sunday newspapers and found him described as King Porn!
Wayne
Oh yeah?
BMrs. Bellamy
"Is this Britain's most evil man?" one of them asked. We'd always found him perfectly charming.
You cannae gan judging a book by what you see printed on the front cover, pet, can yer?
BMrs. Bellamy
I beg your pardon?
He's sayin' appearances can be deceptive.
Wayne
Yeah, y'see these days, a lot of villains become country squires, don't they? You know, mingle with local nobs, take up fox hunting, have sherry with the vicar. Then once a month, they pops down to London and does the old bullion job.
Aye, then they get rumbled, y'see, and dodge over to Spain, divvn't they?
BMrs. Bellamy
Ah, Spain? Yes, where one gathers Mr. Ames now resides.
Would you like a cup of tea, Mrs..?
BMrs. Bellamy
No.. thank you. Jasper and I must be getting along.
Nice dog, that. I like retrievers.
[Laughs] I would've thought a retriever would be the last sort of dog you'd have fancied, Moxey! [Laughs again]
BMrs. Bellamy
The old house could do with a lick of paint.
Oh, it's more than that, pet. Big job, this. Conversion.
Aye. We'll be here a while.
Aye, so you'd better lock up yer daughters! [Chuckles]
[Kicking in the door from which Moxey emerged the day before] Come on, Moxey, man. We know you're in there!
Wayne
If we're getting in this early, we might as well not have gone to bed.
[From another room] Is it safe?
Wayne
No, the place is surrounded by the SPG with riot shields(!) [Moxey emerges]
Ah, you divvn't half flatter yerself, ye dae, lad. You're not exatly public enemy number one, is yer?
Wayne
Plain-clothes from the Smoke don't come round looking for toerags like you, son. [Dennis enters.]
Morning, Papillon! [The others laugh. Dennis throws Moxey some food in a paper bag] Here. A bacon and egg sandwich there for you.
Oh, cheers, mate. Oh, by the way, it was Brad Dexter.
Wayne
What was?
The bloke we couldn't think of in The Magnificent Seven. Bomber's character, it was Brad Dexter.
Wayne
Never 'eard of 'im.
No-one has. That's why we couldn't remember him. Couldn't sleep last night, see. What with worrying about the law and the cold and the rats.
I couldn't sleep, worryin' about you an' your situation, an' what I'm gonna do about it, Moxey!
Oh. Sorry, Den. I should've levelled with you.
I think he's right... I think it was Brad Dexter. ...Ah! Now that's who he was, man! He was the gadgy what saved Frank Sinatra's life, wasn'he?
Wayne
When was that, then?
I dunno, Wayne, I'm not the Memory Man, am I? But, er... apparently what happened was Sinatra got a ducking one time and nearly drowned, like, and that Dexter gadgy dived in, pulled him out and saved him. That would've been it, wouldn'it? In clover for the rest of his natch. Ahh, just imagine it, eh? Limos, boilers, monogrammed cufflinks with yer initials on. Owt you fancy, I'd imagine.
CCarol
I, er, brought you some tea.
Wayne
Oh, cheers. Just finished, as it happens.
CCarol
Is that your job? Windows?
Wayne
Only when the lads have got a ball. Basically, I'm a chippie. [Takes the mug] Ta. Here, look, I'm sorry about rubbishing your old man, you know. Me and Arthur get on like a house on fire.
CCarol
Oh, well, it's more than I do.
Wayne
Oh, yeah? [They sit on a bench in the pub car park] Bit iffy, is it?
CCarol
Since my mum left, he's got worse, really. All his children are a terrible disappointment to him.
Wayne
How come?
CCarol
None of us joined the Air Force. My sister lives with a lecturer, and my brother's gay and runs a health food restaurant.
Wayne
Oh, yeah? And what do you do?
CCarol
I'm studying sociology at Nottingham. My last year.
Wayne
And then where?
CCarol
As far away as possible.
Wayne
[Pulls a cigarette from behind his ear] Here, d'you want one of these?
CCarol
Oh thanks, yeah. [Wayne gives her a cigarette from his packet and lights both cigarettes. Carol takes a drag then exhales.] I used to love it round here when I was a kid. I can't stand it now. The people have changed. They're all the rich overspill from Sheffield, or retired Tories with nothing better to do than complain about Arthur Scargill.
Wayne
Yeah. I reckon our presence here's raised a few eyebrows. [Carol chuckles.]
[Calls round the side of the pub] Carol!
CCarol
[Sighs] See you later. [Gets up and leaves Wayne.]
[As Carol brings him a mug of tea] Thank you, my dear. Service with a smile. Makes a change 'round here.
CCarol
Father's hopeless. And he wonders why the place is always empty!
Wayne
[Entering the bar] Morning, Bomb.
Wayne
[To Carol] Hello, love.
CCarol
Someone looks like they had a good night last night.
Wayne
[Stretching his arms] Yeah. We emptied six pubs.
We've had more exciting evenings.
Wayne
That game of skittles we had in The Green Dragon was a blinder, though, wasn't it? Right cliffhanger.
CCarol
D'you want a cup of tea?
Wayne
Yeah, that'd be magic, love. [Carol goes into the back] 'Ere, this place is on the old up-and-up, eh? We'll be havin' Bunny Girls next.
CCarol
[Returning with a mug for Wayne, she pours tea into it] It's only for the day. Dad's gone into Sheffield, so I said I'd look after the place.
Wayne
I'll give you a hand if you want, love. I can pull pints. [Carol smiles as she goes into the back]
[Looks disappovingly at Wayne] That's not what you want to pull.
Wayne
Er, Bomb?
Wayne
Time, gentlemen, please.
What are you talking about? It's only ten to.
Wayne
Oh, use your savvy.
[Approaching Wayne] You never give it a rest, do you, Wayne?
Wayne
Be a mate, Bomb.
And what am I supposed to do?
Wayne
Well... You could get something to eat.
I've eaten. I went down the caff at half eleven.
Wayne
If I gave you a couple of quid, you could go to the picture.
There's not a cinema within miles.
Wayne
The ultimate gesture, Bomb. The keys to me car. Now, apparently, there's this lovely waterfall down the road, very picturesque it is. [Bomber reluctantly takes Wayne's car keys and leaves the pub. Wayne turns the clock to half past two and calls out to the only other person in the bar, an elderly gentleman] Er, excuse me, sir? [He points to the clock, and the gentleman quickly finishes his pint.]
I'm just sayin', Barry, we're not outcast anymore, are wa? Not now that Nev's like hat with the local nob. [Crosses his fingers] We're bonafide pillars of the community. [Opens the door of the Barley Mow and starts to head in, followed by Moxey.]
Aye, they won't push us around now. [They notice Wayne sat on the far side of the car park with all their baggage and tools]
[As he and Oz head out of the door] It's Wayne, with all the gear out there.
Wayne
Where have you lot been? I'm bloody freezing!
Never mind that! What's happening here?
Wayne
Well, Arthur's chucked us out, hasn't he?
Wha? He cannae dae that, man!
Wayne
Well he can, it's his pub and he's done it, hasn't he?
Gotta have a reason, though.
Wayne
Well he's always been a bit iffy about us being here, ain't he?
We're paying customers now though.
Wayne
But we do make a lot of noise and some of us occasionally go over the top.
Well, maybes... maybes once.
Wayne
But you did kick in his jukebox, didn't you and he weren't too happy about that, was he?
Aww, I might have known it'd be down tae me again as usual!
Wayne
[Gets up] Come on, let's load up, eh?
Hold on a tick, I'm not taking this lying down!
It's got nowt to do with me, I never stayed there once!
[To Wayne] Oi, oi, come here a minute! Look, if he's turfing the whole six of you lot out, you must have put up some sort of black! What have you been up to, eh?
Wayne
Well... I suppose him finding me in bed with his daughter had something to do with it.
[Furious, the lads chase Wayne into the back car park]
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
