Uli? [Kemal gets out of the car] Oh, it's you.
You English bastard! [Pulls a switchblade on Oz.]
Ha ha ha(!) What are you bloody laughin' at?
He had a great big bloody knife, man. He was gonna try an' kill us!
It was them saved your life, then.
What are ye talkin' aboot, man? He's one of them.
Well, whatever he said, he's made them change their mind. I reckon you owe them a bit of an apology, the way you've been runnin' 'em down.
Barry[Standing over the spilled paint] Oh, someone give us a cloth, will you?
Fair dos, Oz. I reckon you ought to go 'round there in the morning and say thanks.
Oh, aye? Take 'em a bouquet of flowers, like, an' a little note? Listen, mate, one of them Abduls tries to stick a knife in me guts, right? Another one stops 'em. That makes it even-steven as far as I'm concerned, right? [Heads his locker where the paint has spilled]
Barry
Don't step in it! You're makin' it worse! [Oz slips and falls onto his bed, right onto an erotic painting Barry bought, ripping the canvas]
It'll be goodbye to all this soon, Dennis. Back to civilisation.
Aye, in the dole queue, eh?
Can't win, can you? [They walk down the side of the hut, when Bomber spots something.] My word, did you see that?
Was it what I thought it was?
I think it was, Bomb, aye. It's come from the hut as well. As if we didn't have enough problems, eh?
[Standing] The toast is Brenda.
Barry
[As they raise their bottles of beer] Aye, Brenda, definitely.
Barry
Hey, Nev, Nev, a rare treat that, mate. A rare treat, Neville.
Aye, like getting a Red Cross parcel in the war, that.
It has been a great day, though, hann'it, y'know? A nice piece of crumpet in the admin, an' a great piece of cake in the hut. [The lads laugh, except Oz]
[Stands up] Hey, shorty! Not so much of the crumpet. That Yvette's special, yer kna! I mean, destiny sent her, didn'it?
Destiny did, all the way here. [Dennis and Bomber enter]
[Holding up a place with two slices of cake] We saved you some.
That'll do Bomber. Real gent you are, Nev.
There would've been more, like, but somebody got at it.
I divvn't know, but a big chunk got eaten.
[As he and Bomber put their pieces of cake back on the plate] Oh, in that case, I think I'll pass.
Barry
A spiffing bit of cake, that is!
I'll eat it. [He and Wayne grab the two pieces]
Look, it's no offence to Brenda's cooking, I just think that this hut's got another inmate. I think he's probably eaten your cake, like.
[With a mouth full of cake] How's that, like?
We've just seen him, haven't we, Bomber?
I don't know his name, but it was the biggest rat I've ever seen.
No, Oz! It wasn't my fault!
Barry
Don't hurt him, Oz!
[Pinning Moxey up against the wall, still covered in wet plaster] You won't take nowt serious, will yer? You, eh? Yer always pullin' some stunt or other!
Oz, it was Dennis, honest!
Dennis? Dennis is too straight up to play funny buggers!
Barry
Oz! Oz, it was a genuine mistake. It was a genuine mistake, really. [Oz flings wet plaster over Moxey's head] Look, Moxey's not malicious, is he? He's naive, right, but not malicilous.
[Getting up] Yeah. Right.
Barry
See? Just a genuine mistake, that's all.
[Turning on Barry] Well, so much for your bloody kismet, or whatever the hell you call it!
Barry
It's not my fault she weren't called Yvette, is it?
I feel a right berk now, though.
Yvette... Christa, Kismet, whatever her bloody name is... I mean, what's the difference? What's in a name?
Barry
Aye. I mean, she may not be preordained from another life, Oz, but she ain't half got lovely bosoms.
[Looking out of the window] Ich glaube, da wartet jemand auf Sie. (I think there's someone waiting for you.)
Ach, was soll ich denn jetzt machen? (Oh, what do I do now?) [She sighs as she takes the flowers] Men...
Sie können sich für die Blumen bedanken. (You could say "thank you" for the flowers.) [They leave the office. Dagmar locks up.] Alles klar. (All right.)
Tschüss. Bis Morgen. Schönen Abend noch. (Bye. See you tomorrow. Have a nice evening.)
Hello. I was just passing.
Erm... Why you buy for me these?
Why did I buy..? I just felt like it. Y'know, impulse.
Thank you so much, ja? [Turns and approaches her car, but Wayne follows her] Um... They're very lovely.
It's no more than you deserve, is it, eh?
There were other flowers much like these... from Oz, I think his name.
Really? What a coincidence, eh? Look, my name's, um... Wayne.
[Chuckles] I know. [Wayne opens Christa's car door; she puts the flowers on the front passenger seat] Thank you very much.
Er... you Englisch... you live there, ja?
Yeah, in the hut. Yeah. We call it the Stalag.
Wie bitte? (I beg your pardon?)
Stalag. 'Cos it's like a prisoner of war camp, y'know.
Oh! It's... nice camp, ja?
Nice? It's not exactly the Hilton, love, but it's okay, y'know. Just one of the hardships we have to endure to stay in your wonderful country.
Ja. [She closes the car door] Show me. [Heads towards the lads' hut]
[Giving chase] Look, it's a bit basic, love. I mean, it's got old socks and crisps and things in it, you know! I really don't think you'd like it that much!
Barry
Here, Oz. Isn't that Wayne with your bird there?
She's not my bird, man. Not since I found out that she isn't who she wasn't.
Still very tasty though, ain't she?
Barry
Yeah, yeah. Y'know, when Wayne gets his evil hands on her, mate...
Eh? [They give chase, watching from a distance. They see Wayne and Christa enter the hut.] What's he up to?
[As Christa takes in the grim reality of how the lads live] Well... I did warn you, love.
[Standing on Wayne's bed, hysterical] No, no!
[Also standing up] Don't worry, love. [Christa falls onto the bed] Get... stand up! [Oz enters]
No, look, you don't understand! You don't understand... [Oz picks Wayne up by the back of his jacket and throws him out of the hut, face first into a muddy puddle.]
[Hysterical] He bite me, he bite me!
Calm down, pet. I've taken care of that dirty little turd.
Barry
[Enterting the hut with Moxey] What's the matter, miss? Did Wayne try to ravish you, miss?
No, there... there is a rat. [That puts Barry and Moxey back on edge!]
Well, gentlemen, as you probably know there have been one or two changes in the Federal Government's attitude to Gastarbeiter - visiting workers. This is because of increasing unemployment here in West Germany. Oh yes, we have it too.
Yes, but ours is bigger than yours! [The others laugh]
So, we have had to look at ways of keeping more jobs for our own people. Up until now, you have worked here without paying tax or insurance, and that has been very convenient for all of us, ja? But, from next Monday, if you wish to stay and work here in Germany, you will have to apply for official registration and be issued with a license.
Ere, does that mean we gotta give up our British nationality? 'Cos I'm buggered if I'm becoming a German!
No no no, you do not understand. As members of the EEC you have the right to work here, but from now you must accept your financial obligations to the German state.
Well... can we not just graft here and then send wor tax home?
I'm not being ridiculous! I just think it's a bit strong that we give Germany all our skill and labour, and now it's tryin' ta issue us with dog licenses and take what little pittance of money we earn off wor!
Just ignore him, Herr Grunwald.
So... if you could let me know as soon as possible if you wish to stay or not, we can get on with the paperwork.
I can let you know straight away, Herr Grunwald. I'm goin' back to England.
Me too, Herr Grunwald. Family calls.
I shall be sorry to see both of you go. Anyone else?
Barry
...Well, personally, I... I'm not quite sure yet, Herr Grunwald.
[turns to Wayne and Dennis] And what about you, Mr. Patterson? [Dagmar looks through into Grunwald's office at Dennis. Oz turns to Dennis]
I haven't decided yet, Herr Grunwald.
Well, it looks as if no-one will be staying, ja?
I wouldn't be too sure about that, Herr Grunwald. [Referring to Wayne, who has been exchanging glances with Christa in the other office the entire meeting]
Barry
You know something, Wayne, there's a real serenity and wisdom about you these days, you know.
Well it's the power of love, isn't it, Barry?
Barry
I suppose it is, yeah... What's it feel like? Love, I mean, being in love. Well, I don't really sparkle in the that department, see, between you and me, or in the adjacent one either! I'm the sort of bloke who looks at the three-year expiry date of a packet of johnnies and wonders if he'll ever use them in time!
Hey, come on. Your time will come, mate, and you'll know when it hits you, I'm telling ya!
Barry
Yeah... What's it feel like? [Quieter] What's it feel like?
Love is... love is sitting in a hut on a German building site, carving two names into a plank of wood without feeling a prat about it.
Oh, I'm sure he'll be all right.
Yeah, strong as an ox, ain't he?
Barry
Yeah, I mean if anything was really bad, we'd have heard about it already, wouldn't we?
Yeah, I know, but y'know, all the same, though, it just seems a bit inc-c-congruous, like, y'know, Oz bein' in hospital all beaten up.
[Noticing Neville entering the bar] Oh, aye, Nev's back.
'Ey up, what's the word, then, Nev?
Couldn't do anythin'. [The lads look down sorrowfully]
Barry
Don't believe it.
Er, no, for me tattoo, not for Oz! No, Oz is fine. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief] Very comfortable, out of danger.
'Ey, leave it out, Nev! You had us all goin' then for a minute!
Barry
Yeah, right, Wayne, and who wants to hear about your poxy naffin' tattoo, Neville?
I'm sorry! I'm just a bit preoccupied.
Yeah, well, y'know, what's happened, like?
Well, this lady doctor said I should stop bein' so pathetic an' just tell Brenda straight. Said if our relationship was sound she'd understand.
Neville, Neville, how about if we pulled your arm off, son? Would that solve the problem, eh? How's Oz, for Christ's sake?
Well, it seemed he'd followed Den down to the Bierkeller, kinda guardin' him, like. Anyway, there was a bit of aggro, an' he got his arm slashed wi' a glass. [To the barman] Aye, give us a beer, please. [To the lads] Funny thing was Dennis said it was his fault, not Oz's. That he started the ruck.
But Dennis would say that, wouldn't he?
[Standing in the doorway] It's true, Bomber. [The lads turn round and see Dennis, still in his blood-soaked shirt] Because of me, Oz was nearly killed. Look, er... I've... I've acted like... like a right prick, yer know, over the past few days, and er, wallowin' in me own problems and shuttin' all you lads out an' that, an' er... well, I'll apologise to Oz when he's feelin' better, like, but in the meantime I've got a lot of apologies to make. You lads'll do for a start, like. I'm sorry. [Turns to leave]
Come on, you bad tempered old bastard, buy us all a drink! [Forgiven, Dennis joins the lads at the bar]
Barry
Triple schnapps time! [To the barman, pointing at Dennis] Triple schnapps, please, on him.
Oh yeah? So what's this then, eh? Plan 349? [Chuckles] I thought you were gonna level with Brenda.
I am, I am! Just wanna do it in me own time. Don't wanna spoil me homecoming, do I?
Hello? Anyone expecting a telegram? [Laughs]
Barry
[Struggling] Oh, no, don't give me a hand, anybody, will you(?) No, no, it's alright... [Sets off the horn on his bike with his gut] I'll just bloody rupture meself, that's all!
What's the score then, Barry? Into motocross? [The lads laugh. Barry doesn't as he sets the bike in the middle of the hut.]
Barry
Old Faithful here's gonna get me to Jeddah, ain't she? So I think I'd better give her a complete service before I set off.
You're not ridin' that all the way to Saudi Arabia?!
Barry
Nah, nah. I thought I might run alongside it, ya nerk(!)
'Ere, hold on, Barry. This is all a bit previous, ain't it? I mean it's alright for you lot, you can all go your separate ways at the weekend, right? But this is still my home. I know it's the pits, but I don't want it turned into the pits. Know what I mean?
Barry
Don't worry, I'll be tidy. I used to be able to build whole Meccano sets on a tea tray, y'know, without losing one single piece, yeah?
[Gets up and gets a tea-tray from atop a cupboard] If so much as one nut or bolt strays off this tray, son, it's on yer bike! [Flings the tray at Barry, who catches it.]
Aye. One of these might be the last brick I lay in Germany.
DDennie
Oh 'ey, don't start gettin' sentimental, Neville. [Neville laughs]
[Climbing a ladder to join the lads, with a Union Jack flag sticking out of his trouser pocket] Watch out, watch out... Hey-'ey! You lot are a bit keen, in't ya?
Yeah. Right, mate. Keen to get at the bevvy.
Barry
[Climbing the ladder, also with a Union Jack flag in his trouser pocket] 'Ey, not before five, eh, lads? We don't want to spoil our most exemplary work record by short-changing the Erics on our last day, do we? Get to it, then!
What are you doin' up here, then, eh?
Barry
Well, it's different for me, innit? I'm a skilled worker, me, I'm not labourers like you lot.
Barry
I work on miniature masterpieces of wiring, I do, which cannot be constrained by mere units of time.
How is the time, by the way? It must be gettin' close.
Barry
[Checking his watch] Er, about thirty seconds to go, I think. Yeah. I'll give you a countdown on my superbly accurate digital watch, shall I? Right... [Reads from his watch] 15... 14... 13...
[Singing] Rule Britannia / Britannia rules the waves!
Barry
[Holding his beer aloft] En-ger-land!
Hey, listen, I wanna make a toast. To Oz.
To absent friends. [The lads raise their beers.]
[For it is he inside the crane bucket, makes a Tarzan call.]
[As he emerges from the bucket, his arm in a sling] Mind if I drop in, lads? [The lads laugh and cheer]
Barry
I must admit, Oz, after the disappointment of not getting to Saudi, I had grave misgivings about joining you in the Falklands, mate.
Barry
I'd seen the pictures on the television, and I'd read all the papers and stuff. I knew there was no amenities, as such, but what I was really worried about was I heard about this animosity from the locals towards the itinerant workforce.
Nah, we get nae trouble from the Bennys, do wa?
Barry
Bennys?
PPaddy
Benny in Crossroads.
Barry
Yeah?
Benny, man. Yer kna, the duck egg, the thicket. He's the stupid one, isn'he? That's what we call the locals.
Barry; Oh, yeah. Oh, I see. Yeah. Yeah... And of course, another thing I heard was that some of our lads go a bit potty out here, you know, with the solitude and the wind, right.
PPaddy
Who told you that?
Barry
I think it was The Sunday People, actually. I was readin' that apparently some British brickies found some old Argentinian machine guns and went absolutely berserk and started letting 'em off at each other!
Yeah, well, you'll always get the occasional lunatic, won't yer?
PPaddy
D'you like a bit of sport, Barry?
Barry
Yes, I do, actually. Especially table tennis.
PPaddy
We have races. Don't we, Oz?
[Catching on] Oh, aye. Aye, we do, Paddy. Aye. Just for a ten spot, like. Kill a bit of time, yer kna? Are ya up for it?
Barry
Yeah, yeah. Count me in. A bit of fun, innit?
Oh aye, it's a bit of fun. Follow me. [Oz, Paddy and Barry climb through some barbed wire.] Right, get yer dough out. I'll hold on to the kitty. [Barry and Paddy each give Oz a tenner. To Barry] You've still got English money? [Pockets the money.]
Barry
Um... how far do we race, actually?
We start here, right? And we finish just at the opposite side of the minefield, right? Go! [Oz and Paddy run off to the other side, while Barry remains rooted to the ground having realised he'd stepped into a minefield!]
Barry
D'you know what Sugden's have just told me?
Oi, I was listening to that!
Barry
They just told me they can't deliver the radiators till the end of the month! And I'm not a punter, Trevor, I'm trade. You think that'd mean something. [He puts the broken skirting boards down] Oh, no, no, no.
They're giving you a discount.
Barry
What good's a discount if they can't guarantee delivery? [He sighs as he marks items off a clipboard on the wall] Without the radiators, I can't start the decoration, I can't lay the bloody carpet.
Well get the roof on before you start worrying about the carpets.
Barry
It's a nightmare! I said to Hazel - it was back in January - "Haze", I said, "by the time your wedding day comes round, the home of your dreams will be ready and waiting for you." If it isn't... I don't think she'll marry me.
D'you know, a place this size could house about eight homeless families.
Barry
Oh, don't give me any of your Militant claptrap, Trevor! I sweated blood to buy this place.
Barry
Not just the Falklands, thank you. I was in Germany before that. Yeah, we roughed it, we did. Düsseldorf in January's no picnic, I can tell you, mate. Ere, hang on... [He reaches into a box and picks up a framed photo he had taken of the Magnificent Seven on their last day in Düsseldorf.] Awww, ha-ha, here we are. Look at this! [He shows the photo to Trevor]
Barry
[Offended] Do you mind!? Salt of the earth, these lads. We were known as The Magnificent Seven.
What? Throughout Germany?
Barry
No, in our hut, amongst ourselves, like. Yes... [chuckles as he looks at the picture and points to the people in the photo] There's Bomber. Strong as an ox, gentle as a kitten. Wayne, oh ho! No Fräulein was safe from Bavaria to the Baltic with this one, mate. That's, er... that's Dennis. He was our anchor, Trev. And er... yes, that's Neville, yes. Next to me. A bit of a worrier, Nev, but he'd give you the shirt off his back. Come to think of it... [checks his shirt] I think this is his shirt actually.
Who's that mad looking maniac there? [points to the picture]
Barry
Oz. He was in the Falklands with me. The first person to be thrown off the islands since we saw the Argies off. Ahh... the last one's Moxey. He was an arsonist from Kirkby. [sighs] Oh, happy days! [He places the photo on the ]
How long is it since you've seen these mates of yours then?
Barry
The day we took the picture.
[Sneerily] So you're really close(!)
Barry
Ere, ere, ere, oi! It's not like that. Friendship forged in adversity. That's there for life, that is! Look, each one of us knows that if the chips were down, if we were in dire straits, like, all they'd have to do is to send out an S.O.S. and the others would down tools and come running. [He takes a step, and his foot goes through the floorboard] Bloody hell!
I'll tell ya something, if you ever wanna get this place finished, you'll have to look your mates up again.
[Over the intercom] So you bothered to come round, then?
Barry
Hazel... I went to the restaurant, but you'd gone.
I don't want to hear any excuses, Barry.
Barry
I was late, but I was trying to get the radiators installed.
I'm not very amused, you know.
Barry
I don't think your evening was entirely wasted, Hazel, I mean they gave me the bill, yes...
Barry
...but was it really necessary to have four bottles of sake, three egg foo yung...?
I've never been so humiliated in all my life! [Two female passers by stop and watch]
Barry
Hazel, will you let me in so we can talk in a civilised manner?
I suppose all your friends have arrived, and you're making them happy! What about me? [An older gentleman also stops to watch the commotion]
Barry
Yes, yes, my friends have arrived. But you know why, don't you? Cos you know why? [Getting frustrated] They've come from the far-flung corners of the country to do up our house!
Why don't they just go back again, Barry? Why don't you go with them? [Barry noticed the female onlookers laughing at him. They leave, as does the older gentleman]
Barry
[Softly] All right... all right... I will go and join them. Yes. [Getting flustered again] We'll probably be in the Bell and Dragon drinking penis coladas 'til dawn!
You still, er, married then, Nev?
Yeah. Why shouldn't I be?
Well... no reason, like. It's just that... well, y'know, the tattoo you had, with the other Judy's name on. Must've thrown a bit of a wobbler over that.
Barry
Ah, how'd you explain that one away?
I didn't. I couldn't. I just... told her the truth. Well... sort of. Said you lot got us drunk and held us down while they did it. She believed us... eventually. We just agreed never to mention it.
Barry
Hello, Dennis. Didn't expect you back so soon, mate.
Didn't expect you back at all.
Aye, well, I had a bit of business to take care of, but I came back because I've had this proposition. Might interest some of you lads. Now, er... there's good news, and there's bad news attached to this. Which one do you want first?
Oh, eh let's have the bad news.
Right, okay. [Whistles. Oz enters.]
Right, lads. He wants a quick conversion, so he can sell it over the odds and make a tasty profit, see?
Ah, the unacceptable face of c-capitalism.
Aye, that's right. But we're gettin' paid top whack, so...
Well, I've already seen the drawings. I reckon there's at least... two months' work.
Barry
Oh yeah. Two months, ten weeks...
I'm in charge, Barry, so there'll be no gaffers, eh?
Barry
As you were, Dennis.
This bloke... wouldn't happen to be Ally Fraser, would it?
Oh look, man! His money's just as good as anybody else's, Neville, isn'it? Or are ya snowed under wi' work offers at the moment, like?
Well, I'm game. Life-savers for Bomber. Bloody sight better than being bounced about the ring and having old ladies stubbing fag ends about your arse!
I fancy it. I'm f-fairly free.
Can't see it appealing to him. Not with a BMW and that scrumptious little wife at home.
Yeah, I know about all that, but I mean if it's only for a couple of months, could be a giggle, couldn't it? [Throws a can of lager to Oz.]
Well... if it's only a couple of months, I suppose so.
Right, so you're all in then!
Barry
Ah well, I'd be with you straight away, you know, for old times' sake, like, but er... the impending nuptials...
We'll miss your sparkling repartee(!) Eh? Barry Taylor, the prince of trivia. [The others, except Barry, laugh]
Barry
Monday?! But that only gives you... four days to finish me house!
Better get crackin' then!
All right, lads, move yerselves!
Oh, don't say that! Not after that bloody curry we had last night!
Listen, Wayne, we're bound to lose each other, there's a great big motorway caff just before we come off the motorway, right? Be there for brekkie.
[As he leaves the motel with his bags] Hold on, I've not had me cup o' tea.
We've already had tea! We were supposed to be on the road an hour ago!
Look, Dennis, if you're ganna be the gaffer on this new job, you'd better get summat straight straight away.
We're still entitled proper meal breaks, right?
And travelling time to the job an' back. An' another thing: don't go usin' Barry's gaff as a yardstick for our workrate neither, right?
Nah, we'll spin this one out a bit longer.
[Noticing Barry's van about to pull into the car park.] Oh, here comes Barry to see us off. [Barry pulls up in front of the lads and gets out of his van.]
What's wrong with you, mate? You look worse than what Moxey feels.
I hope you 'aven't come to tell us your cheques is gonna bounce.
Barry
Nah, nah, nah. I've just come to get the address of the place where you're going to, like.
It's no bother, I'll write it down for yer.
Awww, isn't that nice? He's gonna write us a postcard from his honeymoon.
Barry
Won't be a honeymoon. Won't be a wedding. Nah, Hazel needs to think things through, like. So, be with you in a couple of days!
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
