There's a river near where I live that's as good a stretch of salmon fishing as any. Not that I'm allowed to fish it. Toffs bought all the rights. But that doesn't stop ol' Bomber!
I'm glad we came, aren't you?
BarryI'm glad I got here, mate. I nearly took a wrong road at Siegen.
It's just so... I dunno, different. It's like I'm seein' the real Germany.
Barry
Right, well you know, if you're gonna broaden our horizons, Nev, we've gotta escape from the confines of our professional situation.
Aye, that's what I'm always saying. Well, words to that effect.
Barry
Right. That's Oz's problem, you see, Nev. He's got no desire to educate himself, has he? [Neville shakes his head] Or acquire a knowledge of the outside world.
Barry
Elaine Surtees was just the same.
Barry
That, er... that girl I was telling you about, you know?
Oh, aye. Droitwich. The moustache.
Barry
Right, right, yeah. As you say. D'you know, the height of her ambition, Neville, was a semi in Codsall, right, and two weeks in the year in Magaluf. Nah, she... she would have stifled me, Neville.
There's no salmon fishing where I come from, y'know. I fished a canal once, though. Caught a plimsoll and a couple of contraceptives.
LLandlord
Good evening. I think you need more pils?
My shout. What do you want?
I'll have a pils. [Bomber points to his glass]
Pils, please. [The landlord asks for a word with Dennis]
LLandlord
You need more, erm... I must get another... [He can't think of the word.]
LLandlord
Crates! Yes, crate.
Are we getting through 'em that fast, are we?
LLandlord
That's good drinking, yes?
LLandlord
I'll bring it. [Heads to the back. Dennis joins the others, continuing the song]
[To Neville] Are you glad you came, son?
Aye, certainly. Brilliant, man.
Barry
Hey, Den, Den, Den! I was just saying... just saying to Neville it broadens the horizons, don't it?
It's a funny thing, though.
LLandlord
Hör mal! Das ist nicht ein Motorrad. (Hold up! That's not your motorbike!) [The figure runs off.] Halt! Komm mal her! (Stop! Come back here!)
LLandlord
Gentlemen! Gentlemen, I think someone try to steal the motorbike.
Barry
[Stands up, as does Dennis] What?!
LLandlord
No, he... he disappeared.
Ah, you never left the key in, did you, Barry?
Barry
Yeah... [The lads shout at Barry]
That's asking for it, wasn't it?
Barry
I didn't think there'd be any trouble like that 'round here, did I?
That's real fresh air that, Neville.
I need that after last night's beer.
Barry
I hope you're keeping a tab on everything, Dennis.
Barry
Yeah. You know? Share all expenses, in't we? Even stevens, like. Hotel bills, hire of the rods, grub, you know. Stuff like that.
[Stops in front of Barry] Barry, d'you ever leave off, eh?
Barry
Look, Dennis, somebody's got to think of these things in the absence of an elected leader, you know, haven't they?
Barry
Cor...
Mornin'! [Colin gets up. He's freezing.]
I... I couldn't get a lift, so I kipped down.
Well, why didn't you stay with us? You could've stayed in the village.
...No, well I've been camping, y'see.
Well, a bedroll don't take up much room, do it?
You've been sleepin' rough, haven't you?
Just last night, that's all.
I'll be okay, honest. I'm all right. [Starts to walk off.]
[To Colin] Listen. We're stayin' at a place in the village.
Right. There's my room key. Get yoursel' back there, have a hot bath, get yerself summat to eat, then have a good kip.
Go on, before you catch pneumonia.
[Takes the key] Cheers. Thanks very much. [Walks off towards town.]
C'mon, lads, we've got some fishin' to do!
I knows one thing - that Colin's no student. We don't know where he's going, and he ain't camping 'cos he got no gear.
He looked scared stiff, if you ask me.
Barry
Ahhh... Despite your cynical exterior, Dennis, you... you give your fellow man the benefit of the doubt, don't you?
Barry
Hey... you trust people, you do.
Well, you've got to, haven't you?
Barry
Nah, nah, I'm not disputing it's an admirable attitude. No, no, no. I just... I'm just thinking, you know...
Barry
I was thinkin' that maybe it was, er... misplaced. You know, your trust, like.
Barry
Well... Consider that Colin, right. Now you must admit he does look a bit desperate. I mean, he ain't shaven for a few days, has he?
Barry
That's 'cos I'm growing a beard.
Barry
Well, he's not a student, right, as Bomber so rightly surmises.
Naffin' hell, Barry, man.
No, hear him out. Let him make his point.
Oh, there's a point to all this, is there?
Barry
My point is this - if he's not a student, right, and he was hangin' around last night, maybe it's him what tried to steal me bike. Maybe at this very minute, just maybe, he's goin' through all our things, right, prior to pissing off to destinations unknown. [Sniffs] Of course, this is a hypothetical speculation, not taking into account trust, which, er, which Dennis puts so much store in.
Come on! [They all get up and head back to the hotel, only to find Colin hasn't run off. In fact he's still there, having had a bath and a shave, and having a meal.]
It ain't much of a story, as it happens. There's this German girl, she lives in Heinsburg, near Munich. We got engaged at Christmas. I was gonna stay in Germany. If I couldn't get a job, go back to the UK. Then last week, she breaks it off, just like that.
It happens though, don't it?
Barry
And there's, erm, no possibility of a reconciliation, I suppose?
Well, you should've told us this yesterday, an' then you wouldn't have had to kip in a field.
[Hesitates] ...Yeah ...Well, thanks for the meal, and everything. Much obliged. [Starts to get up, but is stopped by Bomber]
Where are you headed, then?
...South. I'm going south. Erm... Geneva. I thought I might get a job there as a waiter or something like that.
Hey, he can come back with us.
Barry
Right!
No. ...No, I couldn't do your blokes' sort of work.
Aye, aye. You can shovel, be a labourer.
Ah, of course you could. Couldn't he, Den?
Well, don't ask me. It's up to the lad.
'Ere, Den. Grunwald's looking for you. [To the barman] Bier, bitte.
Grunwald? What's he want?
Well, you know that nutter Magowan?
Barry
Aye, he's a bit of a bloody headcase, he is, in't he?
Ahh, well apparently, he had a bit of tiff in a bar last night.
Barry
Huh, a bit of a tiff?
I suppose "fracas" is a better word, really. Anyway, he put some Eric in hospital, and he's in the nick.
Doesn't surprise me. He's a nutter!
Well, what's that got to do wi' me?
Well he must have given his employer's name, who rang Grunwald, who came down 'ere to tell us that it's our responsibility to bail him out.
'Cos he's a Brit. Says the behaviour of the Brits is none of his business.
Well, it's none of my business either, is it, eh? He lives in the hostel, doesn't he, eh? He's not in our hut. Let 'im stop in the nick!
He's still a Brit though, ain't he, Den? And Grunwald sees you as top man, don't he?
Ahh, bloody hell, man! I'm not accountable for every mad man in Germany just 'cos they're British!
Ah, he is a bit of a hooligan, him, like.
Barry
Best place for him, innit? Bloke like that in the nick?
Trouble is... Grunwald reckons if we can't take care of our own, we can all ship out.
That's not fair! It's nowt to do with us!
I'm just tellin' you what he said.
But... you mean it's him or us?
Yep. Either we look after it, or we can get the next boat home.
What do I want now? It's him! What on earth possessed you to bring him in here?
Well, Dennis, he had naewhere else to go.
Well, that's his hard lines, right? He brought that on himself.
Well, you cannae see a bloke without a bed, man, Den.
Him, you can. You're better off buying him a cage, mate. He even snores aggressively.
He's gonna make all our lives a misery.
Well, he cannae make your life much more of a one, can he?
Barry
Look, leave Nev alone! Nev's right, Nev is! He's gonna spoil everything, he is!
He's only one person, man!
Look, man, we've just about got used to living with each other, right? Now it hasn't been easy, but we've managed. Now you, you've gone and bollocksed everythin' up, askin' him in here!
Yeah, we're not a bleedin' halfway house, man.
Barry
No, he's gotta go, it's as simple as that.
Oh yeah, and you're gonna tell him, is that it?
Barry
No, no. Uh... I thought Bomber would.
Oh, terrific(!) Bomber's not back 'til next week.
Barry
Alright then, we'll get up a delegation, right? We can write a strongly worded protest and then Dennis can go...
"Dennis can" what? Oh aye, Dennis can tell 'im to naff off. Dennis can get his head thumped!
Ah, we'll all back you up, though.
Barry
No, Dennis has got a point.
Well I dunno what all the fuss is aboot, he's not a bad bloke.
Oh, no, compared with other violent psychopaths, I suppose he isn't(!)
Well, you've just gotta know how to handle 'im, man.
Well no-one else has, have they? He's done previous, you know.
Yeah, some of the lads told me.
Barry
What for?
Well, I should hardly think it's income tax evasion.
G-grievous bodily harm, more like.
[To Oz] Look, you asked 'im in 'ere, right? You can get shot of 'im.
All right, all right, man! It's nae skin off my nose!
It will be if you don't don't ask him right.
Barry
Mmmmm. I enjoyed that flick.
Yeah, I always did like a good Chinese film with German voices(!)
Barry
Ahh, it don't matter much with these martial arts stories, does it? No, it's the mayhem and the gratuitous violence that counts.
Maybe we should all take up karate, eh? That might get rid of you-know-who.
Barry
Right. I, er... I often have fantasies about being Bruce Lee, don't you?
Barry
I'd really like to be able to, you know, chop a brick in half, smash it right in half. Wouldn't you?
Barry
It'd be great, though, wouldn't it? Just once to be confronted by bloodthirsty hooligans, and dispose of them with a few timely chops to the neck. I've always wanted to be able to do that. Especially after a Wolves game when I found meself hemmed in by hordes of rampant skinheads.
You constantly surprise me, you do, Barry. Eh? I mean, beneath that passive exterior beats the heart of a would-be ninja.
Barry
Yeah?
Barry
...What's a ninja?
A ninja? I thought you'd have known that. In your martial arts fraternity, none is more deadly than your ninja.
Barry
Really?
Yeah. It's the ultimate, son. Just one look, right, can fill a man with dread.
Barry
A bit like Magowan.
No. He's no ninja, son. A certifiable lunatic, he is.
Barry
Ah, he's certainly kept us out of the hut, hant'he? That's my third film in three days.
[Looking out of the window] Ain't that Nev?
Barry
Where?
There. [Outside, Neville walks past an adult cinema.]
Barry
Aye, it is, innit? Yeah. Where's he off to?
Where's he been, more like it, eh?
Barry
Aye, he's been very cagey these last few days, han't he?
I'm sure I've seen him come out of that place across the street there.
Barry
What's place?
That one there, look. The porn cinema.
Barry
No?
Barry
That's weird, that is, you know, 'cos... the other day I caught Nev copying out an ad from a shop window.
Really? What ad was that?
Barry
I dunno, but it was for things like flats and flagellation.
Barry
Ah, straight up.
Well, Nev's obviously found himself an outside interest, then, ain't he, eh?
[As Barry throws...] Treble... double 20... and a 20... and 5. 65.
Barry
65? I'm getting good at this, ain't I? I could make the team. [Gets the darts out.]
Too late now, it's already been decided who's playin' - me, Dennis, Magowan and Moxey.
Barry
Oh, Moxey's only in because of his board, isn't he? [Oz takes his turn]
Barry
So?
So it's not true. Look, we played the aggregate all week, right? I qualified fair and square.
Barry
Yeah, only by the skin of your teeth.
I still qualified, though!
Bloody hell, you'd think it was the Olympics!
[Counting his total] Seventy-four... [Imitating a darts announcer] "Oz, you require double 16." [Gets his darts while Barry steps up to the oche.]
'Ey, you could be scorer, Barry.
Barry
Bog off. That's Nev's privelige, innit? After all, he arranged it.
Is, er, Nev picking up them soldier lads, then?
Barry
[As he throws] Ah, the station, three o'clock.
Better organise the booze, eh?
Barry
Yeah, we can arrange it on the dining table, can't we?
Barry
All right. Get some crisps.
Oh, nice and festive, eh? What about some balloons?
[Looks at Barry's score] 13? I thought you said you were improvin'!
Barry
[Points behind him] Well he put me off with his bloody sarcasm, didn't he? [Neville enters the hut]
All right, Nev? Letter on your bed, mate.
Oh aye? It's probably from Brenda, wondering why her money's short this week.
Is that why you're putting in so much overtime, then?
It's not for the love of it, is it?
Double 8 needed... [Having hit a single 16, he then hits a treble 16.]
Barry
[Chuckles] Ah, choked under pressure. Let's see... you want double 8, and I want...
[Reading the letter] Oh, aye, it's from Colin.
Oh aye? What's his craic?
...Oh, they've got a dress parade tomorrow morning. Oh, he's comin' over Monday instead.
Oh, that's no good. It's no fun unless it's the weekend. [Barry hits a 5 and a 4...]
Well, that's all right, it'll give us some practice time. [Barry misses the board entirely and hits the wall.] Nice shot, Barry. One in the 5, one in the 4, and one in the wall.
Best get the booze in today, eh? Naebody'll have any money left come Monday. Has that Magowan paid us anything back yet?
I want what he owes. There's no reason why I should have to work Saturday mornings and Brenda go short for the likes of him, is there?
[Hitting the double 8] That's it. Beautiful dart.
Barry
[To Dennis, gesturing to the barman] Hey, there's no crisps, Den. We've got to have crisps, mate!
Man! You can get yer crisps on Monday, man, Barry!
Barry
Ah, right. Right.
[Entering the bar] Wa-hey!
Did you get the, er, spirits, mate?
Why aye. [Produces two bottles from under his jacket and places them in the crates] Schnapps... and a bottle of vodka.
That should be enough, shouldn't it?
That depends if the Army drink as much as us lads, eh? [Barry chuckles.] Listen, this lot's not got to be touched 'til Monday, right?
What?! Hang on a minute! I mean, if we're ganna carry this all the way over to the hut, I think we deserve a drink.
Nah, nah, we've got it in now, man, as an insurance against anybody's reckless spending, right? Not one drop of this will be touched by anybody. Including Magowan. [Neville, Moxey, Barry and Dennis each pick up a crate, while Oz picks up the schnapps and vodka]
He's no problem, you know. 'Ey, he pissed off, y'know, when he heard the darts had been cancelled. Said he wouldn't be back 'til tomorrow.
Barry
You mean we've got a night's reprieve?
[Suddenly jubilant] Right, in that case, it's my round! [Puts his crate down] What do you want to drink? [The others also put their crates and bottles down]
And we'll get stuck into the vodka when we get back.
Aye! Let's celebrate, yeah?
[To the barman] Five bottles of pils...
Barry
Where have the lads gone?
Down the pub, I should think.
Barry
Did you, erm... have a nice time?
Oh, yeah. Nice time. Aye.
Why? Did you have a fight?
What's that supposed to mean?
Isn't that your usual way of havin' a good time?
Barry
[Laughs nervously] It's just a joke, innit?
I must have got paralytic if my head's any clue.
Barry
Where... where'd you stay, like?
Over the river there. I got this bird, see, I gave her a right seeing to. You would have been proud of me. [He notices the crates of beer] Christ! Miracles never cease, eh?
[Stops in front of Magowan] That's for tomorrow night for the match.
[Pushes Neville away] You're not gonna miss a couple of bottles, are ya? [Gets a bottle from the crate and opens it]
No, but we all chipped in for that. Did you?
Well, I never invited them! [Takes a swig]
No, but they're our guests.
Look, I'll win that darts match for you, all right? Put some money on that, you'll get it all back.
I want back what you owe me... what you owe all of us. [Magowan aggressively approaches Neville]
Barry
[Backing away] Oh, I'm all right, like. I've got a bit put aside, you know.
Just... what you owe for the bail, like.
Look, if I'm gonna get a flat I'm gonna need that money, aren't I, as a deposit. That was all agreed.
Talk to that wet nurse of yours, you know, Patterson. He'll put you straight.
I don't care what the others agreed. I want my money back.
Barry
Nev, I think you'd better leave it. I think Mac's getting the needle.
I only get the needle when I drink.
[Aggressively puts the bottle down and confronts Neville] Look, Geordie, if you wanna make somethin' of it, I'll bloody kill you. [To Barry] And that goes for you an' all, mate! [Shoves Neville] Got that?
No? [Shoves Neville again.]
Hey! [Shoves Magowan back. Magowan headbutts Neville and punches him in the stomach!]
Barry
Oi, leave 'im alone! [Magowan goes for Barry, who backs off straight away, cowering. Neville coughs and retches, clutching his stomach. Magowan grabs his coat.]
Hey. I'll be back for the darts match. [Throws his empty bottle at Barry, who catches it, then leaves the hut.]
[Gives a thumbs up] Nice one.
Hey, Nev, what time are the Army arriving, eh?
Aboot six o'clock, I'd better put a move on, eh?
Barry
We'll go down on the bike, they can follow us back in a taxi.
Aye, it should be a good night. And you're in the team after all, Nev.
Ah, that's not important.
Barry
Hello, Dennis. [The lads put their tools in storage] Ahh, it's great, innit? The old spirit restored.
Aye, a darts match and a piss-up to follow, eh? Magic!
Better get some practice in.
Yeah, gotta make a good show against the Army lads.
Aye, well there's no panic. We can have a monumental piss-up, but you can forget all about the darts match.
Magowan's pissed off with the dartboard. [We see the bare wall where the dartboard used to be. Moxey looks disappointed.]
[Mimes winding the window down] Was? (What?)
[Rolls his eyes] Guten Tag, mein Herr.
Guten Tag. Benzin, bitte. (Petrol, please.)
Wieviel Benzin? (How much petrol?)
Dreissig Liter, bitte. (Thirty litres, please.)
[Consulting the phrase book] Aye.
Barry
[Doing his ironing] Now, that sounds really German that does, y'know. I really admire you two for taking the opportunity for educational advancement, you know. When you get back to England, you could have another string to your bow.
'Ey, they'll be able to order petrol on the M1 in Germany.
Wollen Sie ein Trink, Neville? (Want to come out for a drink, Neville?)
Ja, ja, das is ein gut idea.
We're goin' over the club for a drink. Are you comin', Barry?
Barry
No, no. No, thanks, I'd better get through this ironing. "Permanent press" seems to have lost its meaning these days.
[Eating from a tin] I'd like to, y'know, but, er, I'm skint.
[Getting his coat out of his locker] Ah, don't worry about that, Mox, man. Oz paid us back that fifty he owed us.
[Checks under his pillow - the fifty is gone.] Oh, no!
He must've took it back again!
Well, he's got an important date down the Tivoli.
He never asked, though. He makes me mad!
Barry
He takes advantage of your good nature, Nev, if you ask me.
[Snatches his coat of the bed] Do a bloke like Oz a favour and he walks all o'er yer! Can yer see the footprints up me face? [Puts his coat on, making for the door as he does]
Look, you can't do anything about it tonight, Neville.
I can and I will! There's a principle involved here! He's tried this on once too often! [He leaves the hut. Dennis shrugs. A few seconds later, Neville comes back...] Where'd you say he'd went?
Er, down the Tivoli, it was.
Right. I'm off down there.
Auf Wiedersehen, mein Freund.
Bollocks! [Leaves again.]
So, er... where'd you learn to do that, then, Bomb?
Oh, I picked up a lot of tricks in my time, boyo. [Bites the thread off.] There we are.
Oh, you're a mate, Bomb. Cheers.
[Still learning German with Neville] Was is das, Nev?
Hey, that's a canny jumper, man!
I tell you what, we can hang it on the wall, eh, when he's not wearing it? Very decorative.
Barry
It'll cover up that stain from the night Moxey puked up.
This is for the best, this!
She gave us a present, didn't she?
She must think a lot of you, eh?
Oh, aye. See, I've just realised, Nev, they cannae tell accents here. As far as she knas, I could be talkin' the same as the Queen Mother! [Laughs]
Must be thick if she think's you're the Queen Mother.
[Taking offence] 'Ey, shut your face, you. That's my fiancée you're talkin' aboot.
Aye, that's what yer call someone you're ganna marry, isn'it?
What are you talkin' about, man? You're already married.
Aye, in England. Cannae hold that against us here.
Listen! Look, we've all got to agree on one decent colour, it's as simple as that.
When Brenda an' me was on our honeymoon, the hotel room was pink.
I don't wanna live in a pink room. It's not a man's colour.
What'll the Erics and the Abduls think if they find out us lot are livin' in a pink shed?
Could do my reputation a lot of harm, that could.
Barry
Ah, but green is nice. It's soothing, is green. We used to have an eau-de-nil bathroom. That was a lovely shade.
Sounds like a bloody council estate.
You're one the priveliged, livin' on a council estate.
Barry
Now, listen, right? I think we've got to settle this by democratic means.
Right. How's this? Each bloke has a bit 'round his bed the colour he likes.
Right. I'll have my bit pink.
Wait a minute. If I wakes up and looks straight at that wall behind your bed, I'll be seeing pink!
And that'll make him see red, won't it?
Oh, Wayne, man. Look, man, we can't have the hut decorated in stripes. That's barmy, man.
Barry
Well spoken, Dennis.
We've got to agree on one decent colour.
Barry
Look, I have actually worked out a way of doing this. Look. Right, no, no listen, look. I've got a list of colours, right? Now, I've got a column for first choice, and a column for second, right? Now, each colour gets two points, er, two points a first choice and one for second, right. No, no, no. We used this method when we elected the chairman of the West Bromwich and District Sunday Methodist Table Tennis League.
Oh well, Barry. It's tried and tested then, innit(?)
Barry
Aye.
Oh, 'ey. Come 'ead, Barry. The suspense is killin' us.
Barry
Have a bit of patience, Moxey.
Apparently, the polls are predicting purple.
Aye, well, the Poles don't have to live in our hut, do they?
Barry
Can I have your attention, please, for a moment? [Clears throat] I, as returning officer... [The others shout him down, telling him to get on with it] All right, all right. The votes as cast are as follows. The winner is... yellow.
Barry
By... well, one point.
Me neither. It's not a man's colour!
Barry
Figures don't lie, y'know.
So, whose first choice was it then, 'ey?
Barry
[Glances down at his sheet] Nobody's.
Well, then, how could it win?
Barry
Because no two people had the same first choice.
So... so everybody's first choice only got two points?
Barry
That's right, and yellow got three second places.
Well that’s a smashing system that is, Barry, isn'it? Eh? Everybody gets what nobody wants.
Barry
That’s democracy, Dennis.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
