[Brushing his teeth] Aye. D'you like it? [Dennis joins the queue for the bathroom. Moxey and Neville are in front.]
Hey! [Bangs the door] Hurry up, Wayne, will you? There's a bloody queue out here, y'know.
Why do these places always just have one bog?
NevilleI've just been sayin' to Mox, he'll be all right with us, won't he? He's our mate, we've gotta look after 'im.
Well that's all very well for you to say. Technically I'm the employer.
Ah, that says a lot about where your mentality is, yer kna, Den.
[Goes back to his and Oz's room] What's that supposed to mean?
Well, what do yer think it means?
I don't know. You tell me what my mentality is.
Well, in a word, you see yerself as a gaffer, don't yer? Always have done.
[Walking past the door] That's a whole sentence.
[Shouts down the corridor] Hey, man! I'm sayin' this for your benefit, yer kna, tosspot! [He and Dennis follow Moxey into his and Bomber's room]
Shut up, both of yer! [To Moxey] Look, I've got to handle this job legit, right?
[Cutting his toenails] But Ally's a crafty old bugger himself.
Well that's all the more reason, isn'it, why he doesn't want to bring any heat down by some petty infringement of the Employment Act! Look, I have to do their 715, stamp their ticket. Moxey's got neither. [To Moxey] Look, Moxey, if you're picked up, God forbid, they're going to ask me, yer kna, quite rightly, why I hired you without proper documentation. So when you talk about accessories, it won't be you lot, will it? Oh nah, it'll be yours truly who ends up in the clarts!
See what I mean about the gaffer's mentality?
Yeah, but he's right though, isn't he? I can't compromise him. It wouldn't be fair.
All right, all right. But does it not strike you lot as a bit ironic? All this setup, eh?
[Spits out the toothpaste] Here we are, right. We're workin' for this bloke, whose reputation is, to say the least... dubious. I mean I kna all aboot Ally Fraser, yer kna. He's a heavy duty villain. But he's alreet, 'cos he's so bloody wrapped up by lawyers, accountants and legal loopholes, he couldn't give a monkey's chuff aboot the law, the Inland Revenue or nowt! And you're more worried aboot Moxey, who, I mean, yer kna, with all due respect, is just some lowlife punter! His only real fault is he gans through life thinkin' every day is Guy Fawkes' Night!
JJessup
Good afternoon, Sir James. I'm sorry about this.
JSir James
[Looking into the holding room, as does Neville] Are those the chaps?
JJessup
Yes, sir. I caught them red-handed.
JSir James
Oh, dear. [Turns to the desk sergeant] So, what do I do?
Neville
Excuse me, Sir James? Could I have a word with you, please?
JSir James
Of course, Neville.
Neville
No, no, I mean in private, like.
Neville
Those two poachers... they're my workmates.
Neville
I'm sure they wouldn't have known what they were doin'. I mean, they wouldn't have known it was your property.
JSir James
I suppose not.
Neville
See, we're townies, aren't we?
JSir James
I suppose so. The thing is, they [The locals] take a dim view of that kind of thing, and being the landownder, I'm supposed to set an example.
Neville
Well... they could make amends.
Neville
Well, instead of paying the fine, maybe they could help me fix your barn.
JSir James
Well, it does seem a lot of fuss about nothing, and Celestia and I could have that trout for supper.
Neville
It's all right, Dennis. Sir James and I have fixed everything.
I'm just sayin', Barry, we're not outcast anymore, are wa? Not now that Nev's like hat with the local nob. [Crosses his fingers] We're bonafide pillars of the community. [Opens the door of the Barley Mow and starts to head in, followed by Moxey.]
Aye, they won't push us around now. [They notice Wayne sat on the far side of the car park with all their baggage and tools]
[As he and Oz head out of the door] It's Wayne, with all the gear out there.
Where have you lot been? I'm bloody freezing!
Never mind that! What's happening here?
Well, Arthur's chucked us out, hasn't he?
Wha? He cannae dae that, man!
Well he can, it's his pub and he's done it, hasn't he?
Gotta have a reason, though.
Well he's always been a bit iffy about us being here, ain't he?
Neville
We're paying customers now though.
But we do make a lot of noise and some of us occasionally go over the top.
Well, maybes... maybes once.
But you did kick in his jukebox, didn't you and he weren't too happy about that, was he?
Aww, I might have known it'd be down tae me again as usual!
[Gets up] Come on, let's load up, eh?
Hold on a tick, I'm not taking this lying down!
It's got nowt to do with me, I never stayed there once!
[To Wayne] Oi, oi, come here a minute! Look, if he's turfing the whole six of you lot out, you must have put up some sort of black! What have you been up to, eh?
Well... I suppose him finding me in bed with his daughter had something to do with it.
[Furious, the lads chase Wayne into the back car park]
[To Moxey] Nae room at the inn... again. Same auld story - sudden party of travelling salesmen booked in this afternoon, yer kna what I mean?
Neville
Any joy, Barry?
That's difficult to say really, Neville. It's strictly no overalls, no muddy boots, no alcohol and lights out by 10:30!
Neville
Could be worse.
It is - they've only got double beds, and one of us'll have to sleep with Oz!
Five knockbacks. Everywhere we've tried had a sudden spate of bookings!
Yeah, it's obvious the ol' Pringle's been on the blower. Looks like we've been blacklisted by the entire Licensed Victualler's Association of North Derbyshire!
Neville
Ah, we've not done much better.
Neville
The places we've tried aren't exactly geared to the needs of the working man.
Well... spa country this, ain't it, Nev, eh? Gentility rules.
Well, as Contingency Plans A and B seem to have failed, I suggest we try Contingency Plan D.
Find somewhere in Chesterfield.
Chesterfield?! That's ganna mean a fifty mile round trip! Look, man, we're ganna be wrecked before we even get to work, which means we're ganna be more wrecked before we get on the drink!
Which leaves Contingency Plan E.
Move into the house itself.
Aww, I divvn't know about that!
It gets my vote, fellas! Listen, listen, it's cheap, right, it's big, and we'll have it all to ourselves, right.
Yeah, right! It gets my vote an' all! I stayed in the pantry one night and survived!
Neville
Yeah, only just.
Ah, it's pretty crusty though, isn'it, eh? It's in a hell of a state. Partly due to the fact that we've been knocking seven colours out of it, like. I mean, even the rats have pissed off!
Look, um... I said we'd give Dennis a ring before eight. See what he says, eh?
Aye, leave it to the leader.
[On the phone to Barry] Yeah. Okay. Alright, thanks, thanks a lot. [Puts the phone down and speaks to Bomber and Wayne.] They've drawn a blank, so it looks like a move into the manor for the moment. Sorry, Bomber.
It's not your fault, Dennis. You're only the gaffer on site. You can't be responsible for any irresponsible act of any daft bugger outside of work.
Right, come on. [Dennis and Bomber leave, leaving Wayne to carry his and Bomber's bags out.]
Mind that snake there, Moxey.
Where? Where?! [Drops the sandwiches onto the ground.]
Ho-ho! So much for special undercover agent Mulcackey, eh? Falls at the first fence, doesn't he?
[Picking up the sandwiches] It was hardly a fair test, Oz! Anyone would react to a snake warning, no matter what his name was.
Neville
Ah, it's only what the police'll do, though, Brendan. You can't expect them to write you a letter tellin' you when they're comin' to see you.
I know, I know. I'll just have to concentrate a lot harder. Anyone want a butty? These are ham. [Bomber grabs one.]
I'll have cheese and chutney. [Neville grabs one of the sandwiches on the chair. Wayne come up to get a sandwich from Moxey, who turns away from Wayne.]
Neville
[Grabbing the last sandwich from the tub] Not you! [Wayne turns to the chair.]
[Grabbing a sandwich from the chair] Thank you!
[Taking the last sandwich from the chair] Oh, I see. Gonna be like that, is it, eh?
Sorry, Wayne. You can't expect any consideration from us when you show none in return!
Who is this Brendan... Mulcahy anyway?
No, it's not. It's Mulcahy. It's the name on the papers.
Yeah, I know. I can't pronounce that, though.
What's the point of havin' it as a false name, then?
I didn't have any choice in the matter, y'know. I didn't go to Rent-a-Name. It was an alehouse in Kilburn. I could hardly call meself F-F-Fitzherbert C-Carruthers!
Well, it's just as well. You can't pronounce that either, can you? Who is Brendan Mulcahy anyway? I mean, does he exist, or is he just a creation?
He's probably a dead man.
See, what happens is, one Mick snuffs it over there in potato land, an' his family flog his passport an' that to another Mick so he can come over here an' work, y'know.
That's not all he might get up to either.
Neville
What? D'you mean the IRA, Bomber?
IRA bomber's right. You might find the anti-terrorist squad on yer tail, Brendan, as well as yer ordinary plods!
You're really reassuring you are, Oz(!)
[Tapping the bar] Another pint here. When you're ready.
Now, now, now, Tiger. Don't overdo the sarkiness. [Barry tries to stifle his laughter] Otherwise we'll have a little video showing for the brewery, won't we? Show 'em what their tenants get up to after hours.
[Bringing the pint over] Did I ever tell you the time when I was taken prisoner in Malaya?
No, I don't think so, no.
These little gooks with coloured hair put me in a bamboo cage. [Wayne glances briefly at his dyed dark red hair] They abused me with sticks, humiliated me. They thought they were safe, you see, 'cos I was behind bars. Then I was rescued by my pals in the SAS and as a revenge, I strung the little bastards up by the ankles and horsewhipped them! That'll be 87 pence or do you want this one on the house(?)
[Keeping score as Moxey throws] 21... 399. [Moxey collects his darts from the board, and gives them to Oz] Has he said owt to you yet?
Happy Harry, man. Pringle.
No, nothin' Mind you, I'm not exactly lookin' for conversation.
[As he throws] I'm just waitin' for one word out of line, me, an' I'll pin his ears to the bloody dartboard with this!
There's still a bit of an atmosphere in here, isn't there?
Neville
Aye. Reminds me of a funeral parlour, Bomber.
Ah, come on, Neville. You were moanin' when wor were banned from here. Now yer moanin' 'cos we're back. I mean, just be grateful for small mercies, eh?
Neville
I am. Just find it a bit depressin' to round off me workin' day sittin' in a place where I'm not really welcome.
Could be worse for me. I could be goin' home to the wife. [Dennis laughs]
Neville
My wife's not like that, though, Bomber. Always makes us feel welcome when I get back from work. Always got a kiss for us, a cup of tea, talk about what sort of day we've had, play with the bairn for an hour.
Neville
Me? What makes you think that?
Look, why don't yer take the weekend off? Go up and see your Brenda.
Neville
Don't think I could afford to lose the money, Den.
It's only for one day, we're not workin' on Sunday.
Neville
Could I? [Dennis nods] But... would you not be a man short for Saturday?
I think Den would rather be shorthanded than have you long-faced.
Neville
[Cheered up] Ah. Good lad. [Gets up to go to the bar] My round. [Shouts to Oz and Moxey] What do you want, lads? Same again, is it?
Neville
Alright, lads?
Hello, Neville. Nice weekend?
Neville
Oh, aye. Not bad, thanks. Ate too much, of course!
[Eating from a tin] Cannae whack the wife's cooking, eh?
Neville
I'll say... [Holding back that he'd made the Sunday lunch] Is Dennis about?
Yeah. He's upstairs sulking in the office.
Neville
Sulking?
Aye. We had a gan at him this afternoon in the bar, y'kna, aboot this job and Ally Fraser an' that. Didn't seem to take it all well, like.
Neville
Anybody fancy a cup of tea? [Everybody shouts except Barry who's been trying to cook a sausage on the fire, only for it to catch fire!] Everybody? Fine.
Hello, Nev. [Neville puts a mug down on Dennis's desk] Did you have a good time?
Neville
Aye, not bad. Nice dinner with your Norma today.
Oh, aye? She all right? [Pours some brandy into the mug.]
Neville
Well... no, she's not all right.
Neville
She's worried. About you and Ally Fraser.
Well, I'm hardly having an affair with Ally Fraser, if that's what she thinks...
Neville
No, but you're more than just an employee, aren't ya?
What are you getting at, Nev?
Neville
You owing him money.
[Getting defensive] Has Audie Charlies been jangling it again, has she? Look, there's nothing in it, Neville, man!
Neville
Isn't there not? It would explain a lot of things, Dennis.
Neville
You bodging this conversion, for a start. It's not like you to put up with shoddy work, Den. No, unless that's what Fraser wants from you.
Neville, in case you hadn't noticed, the construction industry in this country's knackered. We can't be too choosy about the work we do anymore because it might be the last we're ganna get! Look, if I can keep my head about water and feed my kids by skimping on a conversion for Ally Fraser, I'm ganna do that, man. So would you!
Neville
You must owe him an awful lot of money to talk like that, Dennis. [Dennis realises his secret is out.] How much?
[Quietly] £6,000. At the last count. And that's not including interest, like.
Neville
Which, knowing Ally Fraser, will be about 50%! Why, Den? For God's sake...
You wouldn't understand, Neville, man! Look, you've got a happy marriage. And I've never had one. I mean, yer kna what it was like for me when I came back from Germany, what with Dagmar and... [Sighs] For a while I tried to make things better by throwing money about. I was wrong, wasn't I? By the time I realised I was wrong, it was too late. I'm in a hole now, with Ally Fraser looking down at me.
Neville
Well, why didn't you tell us? We're your mates!
It doesn't concern you, Neville, not directly, anyway!
Neville
It does! If we're having to compromise ourselves as well, it does!
Neville, man, it's just a piddling little four-week job. If I bring it in on time, into Fraser's meagre budget, I'm in the clear. And if I don't... well... I might just end up in the Tyne with my pockets full of bricks.
How do! [Howard gets out of his Range Rover with the plans.]
There's been another slight change in the plans. The kitchens this time.
Don't tell me... they only have to be big enough to fit, er, one microwave oven?
Close, close. Well, let's go and see how far your lads have got, shall we?
Ah, morning, fellas. It's a bit early for a tea break, isn't it?
Aye. Howay, lads, shape up a bit, eh?
If ya took them stupid glasses off, Hedgehog, and had a look about you'd see there's nae teacups lying around. That's 'cos it's not a tea break, it's a strike!
[Incredulously] A strike?!
That's right, sunbeam. A strike.
Ah, well you'd better sort this out with your gaffer.
Neville
No, you sort it out with yours! You tell Ally Fraser nothing gets done here 'til he upgrades his conversion! And, more importantly, he takes the squeeze of Dennis!
Neville
It's all right, Den, we're all determined about this.
Hey, now, what's going on here?
Look, you got the message, didn't you, Hedgehog, eh? Piss off and pass it on to Fraser.
Right. If that's the way you boys want it. [Howard storms off.]
[Knowing Fraser will send his goons down to confront them] Thanks a bunch. [Sits on a broken toilet] Thanks a bunch.
Nev told wor all about it, yer kna, everything.
Dennis... it seemed like a choice between doing this job properly or being loyal to you.
Well, we figured we can do both.
Well, what's the word then, Den? Are we out of a job of what?
No, no, no. Listen. Ally's finally agreed to put some proper work in at the Manor. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief]
I knew we could twist the bastard's arm over that.
But, there's a little, small, er, as you might say, there's a small snag.
Neville
What, he wants us to take a cut in wages?
No, no, he wants us to do this next job for him...
We haven't even finished this one yet, ha' we?
Neville
[Surprised] Spain?!
[Walking in] 'Ey, I'm knackered! 'Ey, we've been thrashin' along today, havvn't wa?
New incentive scheme, Dennis, sangria and señoritas. Works a treat.
It's a load o' bollocks, really, yer kna. We're only gannin to Skegness! [Bomber and Neville laugh]
I tell yer what it is - if Fraser doesn't come up with this Spanish trip, I'll personally brick 'im up alone in that shithouse.
Listen, Oz, if this trip don't come off, you can brick me up there in there with him. I don't think I could live with the disappointment. Marbells... you've got your pick of your Euro-crumpet in Marbella.
Neville
We're supposed to be gannin there to work and earn a bit o' money, Wayne. Remember Money?
Ah, you're wasting your breath, Nev. I think Wayne has invented a new form of currency - wages for sex.
[Sighs] It's crucifying me this, lads. I mean, hearin' all this, knowing I can't come.
An' there's no way you can get out of it, Harry?
Not unless they put her dates back. I mean, fancy havin' open heart surgery at a time like this, eh? I mean, it's really inconsiderate, in't it?
It is a bit of a pisser, like, 'cos we're bound to need a plumber when we get over to España, aren't we? Kna what I mean? That's just one of the things they haven't yet cracked, isn'it? Like playin' football without hackin' each other to death, or buildin' hotels where all the windows fit, or gettin' all the hairs out of the backs of their bacon rind. These are some of the things what the Spics haven't mastered.
'Ello, 'ello! Only three hours? I thought you said you weren't a speed freak!
Ah it's not bad, Wayne. Y'know, I mean you could've built a garage in that time, never mind repair one.
Well, I hope you don't expect to be paid for this afternoon.
...Just pour us a cup o' tea, will ya?
Come on then, blow-by-blow account!
The boy looks wrecked. She certainly taken it out of him.
[Sighs] Unbelievable. It's the only word for it. Unbe- I mean if I told yer, yer wouldn't believe it, so...
Well we won't know till you tell us, will we?
Well, yer kna what I was saying in the bar the other night aboot, eh, aulder women?
Yea, experience an' all that beef... Dear me! This one... this one makes Simone Signoret look like Shirley Temple, that one!
Neville
Doesn't mean nowt to me! I've never seen either of them.
Well I'll try and put it another way.
Yer kna when footballers get to a certain age, they've gotta slow their game doon? Yer kna, but they seem to get to be better players because of experience, yer kna. Like Johnny Giles, Leeds and Éire. I feel like I've been playing with somebody like him after ninety minutes of soccer.
It's funny you should mention that about footballers, Oz. 'Cos the only older woman I ever had looked like Billy Bremner! [Everyone laughs]
Neville
What?
It's not the right place.
Neville
In our bed? In our house? At night? Where would you rather do it, at the squash club?
Neville
Well, what's that gotta do with Wayne?
I'm not doin' it with him here in the house.
Neville
Why not?
Neville
He'll not hear us.
We can hear him gargling so he'll certainly hear us... well, he can hear wor.
Neville
If you'd mentioned this last night, I certainly wouldn't have asked him to stay.
You should have thought it through! Oh, Neville, it's just too inhibitin'.
Neville
You never used to say that before we were married, when I used to come round your parents' place.
That was different. My parents went to bed very early. They were sound sleepers, and you used to have Match of the Day on at full volume. And you used to watch it!
Neville
Wayne'll not be asleep, man. That Sony Walkman never leaves his ears. I mean how's he ganna hear us with Twisted Sister blastin' into his brain cells?
Neville
He'll not, man. It's not like we're noisy, Bren. It's not as if you're a screamer.
Neville
...Well, it's not like you're one of them frenzied females you hear about, yer kna, that scream and shout and bark.
[Loudly] Bark?! D'yer want us to bark?!
Neville
Sssh, man, Brenda! Wayne'll hear us!
Yer do things on the spur of the moment, Oz, without ever thinking them through. I mean, where were you gonna take the lad, eh?
Well I wasn't gonna hang on to him, man, I only wanted twenty four hours with him, to find out how he feels aboot this trip abroad, man. Find oot how he felt about this Sandro gadgy. And she wouldn't let us anywhere near the bairn, so I had to dae what I did, didn't I?
Well she'll be even less disposed to let you see him now.
Ah, so you met the Italian in question, did you?
Aye, yes, we exchanged one or two words, yes.
What sort of person did he seem then, Oz?
Well, he seemed perfectly affable and pleasant and polite, but I mean ye cannae gan on that, can yer? He's a waiter, he's trained to be.
Oh come off it, Oz. You said in the car that he was a nice enough sort of bloke.
Aye, but them were first impressions, weren't they? He's gotta be a bit micey if he wants to lob up with my Marjorie!
[Holding a couple of mugs] Shall I do another pot? [Everyone murmurs in agreement]
Neville
I'll give you a hand.
No, I'll do it, pet. [Exits into the kitchen]
So, when do they leave, then?
If you ask me... just in my opinion, like... I think living in Italy might benefit the lad. I mean, he'd had the climate, when he comes back he'll be bilingual, a wonderful advantage. I only spent one night in this area and I'll tell you it was a bleeding terrifying experience!
Yer can't judge a place on one night, man!
[Overlapping with Dennis] What's wrong with this place? We've all seen Wolverhampton, it's not exactly Beverly Hills, is it?
Here we are. [Places the mugs into the sink.]
Ah, you didn't need to do that. I'd have seen to it.
That's all right. Just glad to get out of the smoke. [Picks up a tea towel and starts drying up]
Oh, you've not left your wife, have you, and run off with a sailor?
[Smiles] If you do, you'll be the first to know.
Honestly, it's been like Heartbreak Hotel here this week, I'm thinking of leaving me job at the hospital and taking up marriage guidance!
Well, we'll be off in a couple of days and you can get some peace and quiet.
Neville
[Enters the kitchen] Brenda?
The kettle's not ready yet, pet.
Neville
No, could you come and have a word with the lads, please? [Brenda takes off her gloves and goes into the living room. Bomber takes over doing the dishes.]
Brenda, er... We're all agreee we think Oz has got a case here. I mean, we think that he should see his young lad before he's whisked off to a foreign country.
Oh, I quite agree, Dennis.
The main problem is the situation with Marjorie is... delicate, to say the least. I mean she has to understand that Oz seeing his son won't be a threat to her. I mean, that's only right and proper.
So, er, we thought the best way to convince her would be, erm... if you had a word with her.
The food doesn't seem so good tonight, does it, Wayne?
There's no difference in the food, son. It's the mood that's down the crapper.
Well, it's got to be said... [Burps] ...this latest development with this Martin gadgy, I mean it's took the shine off the trip to Spain to everybody, hann'it?
Neville
Of all the blokes in Newcastle, you had to pick on him.
He picks on a lot of people, Nev. So the odds aren't that outlandish!
Hold on a minute, hang on, it wasn't me who started that barney, it was that Martin gadgy, man, wann' it?
Hey, hey, if you remember, the incident occured because you tried to get into his old lady's knickers.
Oh, hey, hold on! I don't think you're one to point the finger aboot that, do you, eh? We've been dropped in the clarts plenty of times by your rampant member, haven't we?
They never forget, do they?
C'mon, lads. Fair's fair. That Martin's a born headbanger. And I can't say I fancy working alongside him.
Neville
Hey, Moxey! Where've you been?
I called 'round your house, Den, and er, your sister said you were all in here.
[Calls down the table] Give him a chair, somebody.
Before I do, though, there's just a couple of things I'd like to say, y'know. Er, I've got me passport sorted out, y'know, so I can go to Spain. There's no problems there.
[Sets a chair at the head of the table for Moxey] Fantastic!
But I know I've caused you lot a lot of aggravation, y'know, with all this duckin' and divin' an' that, so, er, well if you don't want us to go, y'know, I'll understand, and there'll be no hard feelin's.
Get this man a drink! He's the guest of honour.
Guest of honour? He's the man of the year as far as I'm concerned! [Shouts to a waiter] Another one here!
You've turned up, sunbeam, that's what you've done.
Somebody better tell that Martin fella to forget it.
Neville
The Magnificent Seven rides again! Yahey!
You came in the nick of time, my son.
I'm made up! You lot don't exactly owe me any favours.
It's you that's doing us a favour, man. [Stands up, glass in hand] A toast, to Moxey! [They all raise their glasses]
Neville
It's great to have you back! [Moxey smiles]
Francis Fogarty? [Laughs] Where did you get Francis Fogarty from?
Well it wasn't my idea, y'know. If it was up to me, I'd like to be called Derek. But no Derek died in Kilburn on Tuesday.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
