OzBloody hell!
No need for that. [Trying to soothe the dog] Good boy, good boy.
Oz
Oh, that's an attack dog, that is. It's trained to go for the working class.
Bomber; He's just not used to strangers, are you, boy?
Oz
Eh, well that's the sort of welcome we can expect roond here. [The dog continues barking]
Bit of Alsatian in him, I think. [The dog owner comes out]
DODog Owner
[Approaching his front gate] Why are you annoying my dog?
Oz
What?!
DODog Owner
He doesn't bark for nothing!
We were just having a stroll.
DODog Owner
[Looking at the three] Who are you people?
Oz
Who exactly do we have to be?
DODog Owner
I mean... What are you doing around here?
Everybody's got to be somewhere, sir.
[Talking to a couple of trout Oz caught] Hello. Hello! Hee-hee! [Notices a man running towards them in the distance] Oh, look. There's somebody coming.
Oz
Where?
Over there, look. He's heading this way. [The man waves angrily at them. Barry waves back oblivious. Oz dashes out of the river.] He's waving at us. Hello!
Oz
Get your jacket on.
Oz
Get yer jacket on, man! [Sticks the trout into his coat pockets]
What's the rush all of a sudden? I wanna have a go meself.
Oz
He might be a bloody gamekeeper.
[Spluttering] G...Gamekeeper? Are you tryin' to tell me this is illegal or something?
Oz
[Grabbing his boots] Well, of course! Poaching's not legal, is it?
Poaching?! Wait... [Grabs his jacket and runs after Oz] You never told me about bloody poaching!
Oz
Well you don't think this place is open to the public, do yer? People pay a fortune for a rod of river, man.
[Panicking] Well, how serious is it, then?
Oz
[As he gets into Barry's van] Well, let's put it this way - if they catch wor, I don't think we'll make the Crown Court.
[Getting into the driver's seat] You might have bloody said so! [They drive away before the gamekeeper can catch them.]
Oz
I'm just sayin', Barry, we're not outcast anymore, are wa? Not now that Nev's like hat with the local nob. [Crosses his fingers] We're bonafide pillars of the community. [Opens the door of the Barley Mow and starts to head in, followed by Moxey.]
Aye, they won't push us around now. [They notice Wayne sat on the far side of the car park with all their baggage and tools]
[As he and Oz head out of the door] It's Wayne, with all the gear out there.
Oz
What? What's gannen on?
Where have you lot been? I'm bloody freezing!
Never mind that! What's happening here?
Well, Arthur's chucked us out, hasn't he?
Oz
Wha? He cannae dae that, man!
Well he can, it's his pub and he's done it, hasn't he?
Gotta have a reason, though.
Well he's always been a bit iffy about us being here, ain't he?
We're paying customers now though.
But we do make a lot of noise and some of us occasionally go over the top.
Oz
Well, maybes... maybes once.
But you did kick in his jukebox, didn't you and he weren't too happy about that, was he?
Oz
Aww, I might have known it'd be down tae me again as usual!
[Gets up] Come on, let's load up, eh?
Hold on a tick, I'm not taking this lying down!
It's got nowt to do with me, I never stayed there once!
[To Wayne] Oi, oi, come here a minute! Look, if he's turfing the whole six of you lot out, you must have put up some sort of black! What have you been up to, eh?
Well... I suppose him finding me in bed with his daughter had something to do with it.
[Furious, the lads chase Wayne into the back car park]
Oz
[To Moxey] Nae room at the inn... again. Same auld story - sudden party of travelling salesmen booked in this afternoon, yer kna what I mean?
That's difficult to say really, Neville. It's strictly no overalls, no muddy boots, no alcohol and lights out by 10:30!
It is - they've only got double beds, and one of us'll have to sleep with Oz!
Five knockbacks. Everywhere we've tried had a sudden spate of bookings!
Oz
Yeah, it's obvious the ol' Pringle's been on the blower. Looks like we've been blacklisted by the entire Licensed Victualler's Association of North Derbyshire!
Ah, we've not done much better.
Oz
Yeah?
The places we've tried aren't exactly geared to the needs of the working man.
Well... spa country this, ain't it, Nev, eh? Gentility rules.
Well, as Contingency Plans A and B seem to have failed, I suggest we try Contingency Plan D.
Oz
Which is what?
Find somewhere in Chesterfield.
Oz
Chesterfield?! That's ganna mean a fifty mile round trip! Look, man, we're ganna be wrecked before we even get to work, which means we're ganna be more wrecked before we get on the drink!
Which leaves Contingency Plan E.
Oz
Which is what?
Move into the house itself.
Oz
Aww, I divvn't know about that!
It gets my vote, fellas! Listen, listen, it's cheap, right, it's big, and we'll have it all to ourselves, right.
Yeah, right! It gets my vote an' all! I stayed in the pantry one night and survived!
Oz
Ah, it's pretty crusty though, isn'it, eh? It's in a hell of a state. Partly due to the fact that we've been knocking seven colours out of it, like. I mean, even the rats have pissed off!
Look, um... I said we'd give Dennis a ring before eight. See what he says, eh?
Oz
Aye, leave it to the leader.
[On the phone to Barry] Yeah. Okay. Alright, thanks, thanks a lot. [Puts the phone down and speaks to Bomber and Wayne.] They've drawn a blank, so it looks like a move into the manor for the moment. Sorry, Bomber.
It's not your fault, Dennis. You're only the gaffer on site. You can't be responsible for any irresponsible act of any daft bugger outside of work.
Right, come on. [Dennis and Bomber leave, leaving Wayne to carry his and Bomber's bags out.]
Oz
Mind that snake there, Moxey.
Where? Where?! [Drops the sandwiches onto the ground.]
Oz
Ho-ho! So much for special undercover agent Mulcackey, eh? Falls at the first fence, doesn't he?
[Picking up the sandwiches] It was hardly a fair test, Oz! Anyone would react to a snake warning, no matter what his name was.
Ah, it's only what the police'll do, though, Brendan. You can't expect them to write you a letter tellin' you when they're comin' to see you.
I know, I know. I'll just have to concentrate a lot harder. Anyone want a butty? These are ham. [Bomber grabs one.]
I'll have cheese and chutney. [Neville grabs one of the sandwiches on the chair. Wayne come up to get a sandwich from Moxey, who turns away from Wayne.]
[Grabbing the last sandwich from the tub] Not you! [Wayne turns to the chair.]
[Grabbing a sandwich from the chair] Thank you!
[Taking the last sandwich from the chair] Oh, I see. Gonna be like that, is it, eh?
Sorry, Wayne. You can't expect any consideration from us when you show none in return!
Who is this Brendan... Mulcahy anyway?
No, it's not. It's Mulcahy. It's the name on the papers.
Yeah, I know. I can't pronounce that, though.
What's the point of havin' it as a false name, then?
I didn't have any choice in the matter, y'know. I didn't go to Rent-a-Name. It was an alehouse in Kilburn. I could hardly call meself F-F-Fitzherbert C-Carruthers!
Well, it's just as well. You can't pronounce that either, can you? Who is Brendan Mulcahy anyway? I mean, does he exist, or is he just a creation?
Oz
He's probably a dead man.
Oz
See, what happens is, one Mick snuffs it over there in potato land, an' his family flog his passport an' that to another Mick so he can come over here an' work, y'know.
That's not all he might get up to either.
What? D'you mean the IRA, Bomber?
Oz
IRA bomber's right. You might find the anti-terrorist squad on yer tail, Brendan, as well as yer ordinary plods!
You're really reassuring you are, Oz(!)
[Upon seeing Dennis] Thirty seconds to get out or I'll call the police!
Arthur! Arthur, hear me out please, will yer? Look, Arthur, I know the behaviour of one of our group has caused you much heartache, and believe you and me, we feel exactly the same about him as you do. I mean, that's why we've disciplined him ourselves in a way you would have approved of.
Of the social kind, Arthur, yes. He's, er, he's confined to base, he's in the glass house as you brave fighter pilots might say.
That still leaves the rest of you to make mayhem.
Oh, come on, Arthur, I'm a respectable married man. I mean outside in my van I've got three other men who've done a hard day's graft and simply want a quiet pint and an evening's conversation at your fireside as a reward. I mean they're not rapists, or thieves, vagabonds...
Oz
[Shouting from outside] HAS THAT BASTARD GIVEN IN YET, DENNIS? [Dennis realises that they won't get anywhere with Pringle now, so he leaves]
Oz
[Whistles, then shouts] Dennis!
[Appearing from a side room] What?
Oz
Think you've got a visitor there.
[Looking out of his window] Aye, it's Howard Radcliff, it's Ally's architect.
Oz
Ah-ha. I might have known it'd be the architect. They're always tovin' aboot in Range Rovers. [Howard leaves his car.]
Oz
Why-aye. It's the same as all the Rastas drivin' BMWs, yer kna? 'Cos they think it stands for Bob Marley and the Wailers.
Well, why do architects drive them?
Oz
Well, yer kna the difference between a hedgehog and a Range Rover, don't yer?
Oz
A hedgehog's got pricks on the ootside.
[Tapping the bar] Another pint here. When you're ready.
Now, now, now, Tiger. Don't overdo the sarkiness. [Barry tries to stifle his laughter] Otherwise we'll have a little video showing for the brewery, won't we? Show 'em what their tenants get up to after hours.
[Bringing the pint over] Did I ever tell you the time when I was taken prisoner in Malaya?
No, I don't think so, no.
These little gooks with coloured hair put me in a bamboo cage. [Wayne glances briefly at his dyed dark red hair] They abused me with sticks, humiliated me. They thought they were safe, you see, 'cos I was behind bars. Then I was rescued by my pals in the SAS and as a revenge, I strung the little bastards up by the ankles and horsewhipped them! That'll be 87 pence or do you want this one on the house(?)
Oz
[Keeping score as Moxey throws] 21... 399. [Moxey collects his darts from the board, and gives them to Oz] Has he said owt to you yet?
Oz
Happy Harry, man. Pringle.
No, nothin' Mind you, I'm not exactly lookin' for conversation.
Oz
[As he throws] I'm just waitin' for one word out of line, me, an' I'll pin his ears to the bloody dartboard with this!
There's still a bit of an atmosphere in here, isn't there?
Aye. Reminds me of a funeral parlour, Bomber.
Ah, come on, Neville. You were moanin' when wor were banned from here. Now yer moanin' 'cos we're back. I mean, just be grateful for small mercies, eh?
I am. Just find it a bit depressin' to round off me workin' day sittin' in a place where I'm not really welcome.
Could be worse for me. I could be goin' home to the wife. [Dennis laughs]
My wife's not like that, though, Bomber. Always makes us feel welcome when I get back from work. Always got a kiss for us, a cup of tea, talk about what sort of day we've had, play with the bairn for an hour.
Me? What makes you think that?
Look, why don't yer take the weekend off? Go up and see your Brenda.
Don't think I could afford to lose the money, Den.
It's only for one day, we're not workin' on Sunday.
Could I? [Dennis nods] But... would you not be a man short for Saturday?
I think Den would rather be shorthanded than have you long-faced.
[Cheered up] Ah. Good lad. [Gets up to go to the bar] My round. [Shouts to Oz and Moxey] What do you want, lads? Same again, is it?
Oz
Aye!
[Hanging out of the driver door] Howdy! Is there a Dennis Patterson around?
[Approaching] Are you the plumber?
[Pointing to the decals on his car] Well, that's what it says, yeah.
Oh yeah. [Gets out of the car and closes the door] Harry Blackburn. [Shakes hands with Dennis.] I've got all the gear in the back. Er, special discount 'cos it's the brother-in-law, like, y'know.
Oh, well every little helps, like.
Right, er... Where d'you wanna start, then?
Well... [Pointing to the lorry] Why don't you give us a hand with this stuff if you don't mind a bit of labourin'.
Not me, Dennis. Always happy to muck in. [Laughs]
Good lad. Well, I tell you what, we'll have a break in a minute an' I'll introduce you to all the lads.
Definitely cowboy material, all this, innit? [Bomber nods] Be better off usin' Lego.
[In another room, singing] I'll keep on workin' / Long as my two hands are fit to use...
Oz
Listen. [Joins in singing with Harry] I drink my beer in the evenin's / Sing a little bit of these workin' man's blues. [Harry enters] Merle Haggard?
Hey, you're a fan too, are you?
Oz
A fan? [Laughs] Only met the man, like, Merle. In the flesh. And in Nashville.
Well, bloody hell! Hey... [He shakes hands with Oz] Let me kiss your feet, old mate.
Oz
[Chuckles] A Honky Tonk Night Time Man.
Ho! If We Make It Through December!
Oz
Ooh!
HOHarry & Oz
Okie from Muskogee!
Oz
[Sings] They don't smoke marijuana...
What's the hold up down there?
Oz
Nah, that's not one of Merle's, Dennis, is it? Sounds more like Johnny Cash.
Oz
[Sitting down] 'Ey, what aboot that, then? Me an' Merle, live in Nashville.
'Ey, er... I thought he shaved his beard off a few years ago.
Oz
That's not a beard, man. It's a shadow across his face.
Oz
[Taking the photo back] ...or maybe it is a beard! I dunno. Canny fella, like. He was very pleased to hear aboot me stint in the Falklands, 'cos he's very patriotic, like.
A Falklands veteran who's met Merle Haggard? Cor, you're just about the most important person I've ever come across, Oz.
Oz
Well, between ye an' me, like, I didn't get to dae any actual butcherin' out there, yer kna, just civilan work, yer kna. [Picks up his jar, trying to get an onion out] The runway an' that sorta thing.
Still, it's very impressive, though. 'Ey, er... rough, was it?
Oz
Was nae picnic, son. [Stuffs a pickled onion in his mouth.]
What was the worst bit? The, er... the cold, or the shortage of women, like?
Oz
Well... they were both bad, like. I think the worst thing of the lot was them bloody Jim Davidson visits!
[Laughs] No lover of Cockneys, eh?
Oz
Well... [Looks over his shoulder at Wayne] We've got one on the firm, yer kna, but er, very seldom we see eye to eye wi' 'im, like.
'Ere, I tell you what, d'you fancy a few drinks an' a bit of a singsong tomorrow night over my way?
Oz
Could dae, aye. Ho, that'd have ta be o'er your way, like. We're barred from all the boozers 'round here, an' the only one we can get in we got by blackmail!
[Laughs again] 'Ey, I'm gonna enjoy workin' with you lads! [Grabs his beer] Hey, Oz. Cheers. [Raises his beer]
Oz
Cheers. [Harry drinks his beer, while Oz absent-mindedly drinks the vinegar from the pickled onion jar. He coughs and realises what he's done!]
Hello, Neville. Nice weekend?
Oh, aye. Not bad, thanks. Ate too much, of course!
Oz
[Eating from a tin] Cannae whack the wife's cooking, eh?
I'll say... [Holding back that he'd made the Sunday lunch] Is Dennis about?
Yeah. He's upstairs sulking in the office.
Oz
Aye. We had a gan at him this afternoon in the bar, y'kna, aboot this job and Ally Fraser an' that. Didn't seem to take it all well, like.
Anybody fancy a cup of tea? [Everybody shouts except Barry who's been trying to cook a sausage on the fire, only for it to catch fire!] Everybody? Fine.
Hello, Nev. [Neville puts a mug down on Dennis's desk] Did you have a good time?
Aye, not bad. Nice dinner with your Norma today.
Oh, aye? She all right? [Pours some brandy into the mug.]
Well... no, she's not all right.
She's worried. About you and Ally Fraser.
Well, I'm hardly having an affair with Ally Fraser, if that's what she thinks...
No, but you're more than just an employee, aren't ya?
What are you getting at, Nev?
[Getting defensive] Has Audie Charlies been jangling it again, has she? Look, there's nothing in it, Neville, man!
Isn't there not? It would explain a lot of things, Dennis.
You bodging this conversion, for a start. It's not like you to put up with shoddy work, Den. No, unless that's what Fraser wants from you.
Neville, in case you hadn't noticed, the construction industry in this country's knackered. We can't be too choosy about the work we do anymore because it might be the last we're ganna get! Look, if I can keep my head about water and feed my kids by skimping on a conversion for Ally Fraser, I'm ganna do that, man. So would you!
You must owe him an awful lot of money to talk like that, Dennis. [Dennis realises his secret is out.] How much?
[Quietly] £6,000. At the last count. And that's not including interest, like.
Which, knowing Ally Fraser, will be about 50%! Why, Den? For God's sake...
You wouldn't understand, Neville, man! Look, you've got a happy marriage. And I've never had one. I mean, yer kna what it was like for me when I came back from Germany, what with Dagmar and... [Sighs] For a while I tried to make things better by throwing money about. I was wrong, wasn't I? By the time I realised I was wrong, it was too late. I'm in a hole now, with Ally Fraser looking down at me.
Well, why didn't you tell us? We're your mates!
It doesn't concern you, Neville, not directly, anyway!
It does! If we're having to compromise ourselves as well, it does!
Neville, man, it's just a piddling little four-week job. If I bring it in on time, into Fraser's meagre budget, I'm in the clear. And if I don't... well... I might just end up in the Tyne with my pockets full of bricks.
How do! [Howard gets out of his Range Rover with the plans.]
There's been another slight change in the plans. The kitchens this time.
Don't tell me... they only have to be big enough to fit, er, one microwave oven?
Close, close. Well, let's go and see how far your lads have got, shall we?
Ah, morning, fellas. It's a bit early for a tea break, isn't it?
Aye. Howay, lads, shape up a bit, eh?
Oz
If ya took them stupid glasses off, Hedgehog, and had a look about you'd see there's nae teacups lying around. That's 'cos it's not a tea break, it's a strike!
[Incredulously] A strike?!
That's right, sunbeam. A strike.
Ah, well you'd better sort this out with your gaffer.
No, you sort it out with yours! You tell Ally Fraser nothing gets done here 'til he upgrades his conversion! And, more importantly, he takes the squeeze of Dennis!
It's all right, Den, we're all determined about this.
Hey, now, what's going on here?
Oz
Look, you got the message, didn't you, Hedgehog, eh? Piss off and pass it on to Fraser.
Right. If that's the way you boys want it. [Howard storms off.]
[Knowing Fraser will send his goons down to confront them] Thanks a bunch. [Sits on a broken toilet] Thanks a bunch.
Oz
Nev told wor all about it, yer kna, everything.
Dennis... it seemed like a choice between doing this job properly or being loyal to you.
Oz
Well, we figured we can do both.
[Singing] Oh, don't forsake me, oh, my darling / On this our wedding day... [Stops singing and tilts his hat up to see Ally's Jag approaching] I think the boys from the brown stuff have just arrived! [The Jag stops in the grounds. Big Baz and some other goons get out as the lads gather.]
Er... did I ever tell anyone I was a Quaker?
BBBig Baz
We've come to persuade you back to work.
Oz
Well, you just failed!
I don't suppose we can reason with 'em, eh?
I think it's too late for that now. [Barry puts his glasses on.]
[On seeing Harry take a large monkey wrench out of his holster] That's what I call a monkey wrench.
Oh, yeah. I know how to use it, an' all! [Throws it at the goons, it hits the Jag and breaks the windscreen. The goons and the lads rush towards each other.]
Don't hit me, don't hit me! I'm a bleeder! [The goon grabs Barry. Meanwhile, Bomber grapples with Big Baz.]
[With a goon, arm behind his back] Anyone got a match? I'll set fire to this bastard! [The goon uses his other elbow to hit Moxey and punch him to the ground.]
[On another goon's back] Yeah! The Fightin' Side of Me, Oz. Remember that? It's one of Merle's best! [Oz smashes a chair over another goon's back and knocks him out.]
[Gets on another goon's back. To Neville] Get him! Go on, hit him! [Neville starts punching at the goon's torso. Barry faints.]
[To Big Baz] If you fights dirty, I can get angry! [Grabs Big Baz and punches him in the face. Barry wakes up and runs away. Oz jumps on top of the Jag and leaps on Barry's pursuer, sending all three to the floor. Oz punches him out while Barry gets up. He almost kicks him, but pauses.]
Oz
[To Barry] Do you want to? Go on. [Barry feebly kicks the goon.] There!
Well, what's the word then, Den? Are we out of a job of what?
No, no, no. Listen. Ally's finally agreed to put some proper work in at the Manor. [The lads breathe a sigh of relief]
Oz
I knew we could twist the bastard's arm over that.
But, there's a little, small, er, as you might say, there's a small snag.
What, he wants us to take a cut in wages?
No, no, he wants us to do this next job for him...
Oz
We haven't even finished this one yet, ha' we?
[Walking in] 'Ey, I'm knackered! 'Ey, we've been thrashin' along today, havvn't wa?
New incentive scheme, Dennis, sangria and señoritas. Works a treat.
It's a load o' bollocks, really, yer kna. We're only gannin to Skegness! [Bomber and Neville laugh]
Oz
I tell yer what it is - if Fraser doesn't come up with this Spanish trip, I'll personally brick 'im up alone in that shithouse.
Listen, Oz, if this trip don't come off, you can brick me up there in there with him. I don't think I could live with the disappointment. Marbells... you've got your pick of your Euro-crumpet in Marbella.
We're supposed to be gannin there to work and earn a bit o' money, Wayne. Remember Money?
Ah, you're wasting your breath, Nev. I think Wayne has invented a new form of currency - wages for sex.
[Sighs] It's crucifying me this, lads. I mean, hearin' all this, knowing I can't come.
An' there's no way you can get out of it, Harry?
Not unless they put her dates back. I mean, fancy havin' open heart surgery at a time like this, eh? I mean, it's really inconsiderate, in't it?
Oz
It is a bit of a pisser, like, 'cos we're bound to need a plumber when we get over to España, aren't we? Kna what I mean? That's just one of the things they haven't yet cracked, isn'it? Like playin' football without hackin' each other to death, or buildin' hotels where all the windows fit, or gettin' all the hairs out of the backs of their bacon rind. These are some of the things what the Spics haven't mastered.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
