DennisWhat do I want now? It's him! What on earth possessed you to bring him in here?
Well, Dennis, he had naewhere else to go.
Dennis
Well, that's his hard lines, right? He brought that on himself.
Well, you cannae see a bloke without a bed, man, Den.
Him, you can. You're better off buying him a cage, mate. He even snores aggressively.
He's gonna make all our lives a misery.
Well, he cannae make your life much more of a one, can he?
Look, leave Nev alone! Nev's right, Nev is! He's gonna spoil everything, he is!
He's only one person, man!
Dennis
Look, man, we've just about got used to living with each other, right? Now it hasn't been easy, but we've managed. Now you, you've gone and bollocksed everythin' up, askin' him in here!
Yeah, we're not a bleedin' halfway house, man.
No, he's gotta go, it's as simple as that.
Oh yeah, and you're gonna tell him, is that it?
No, no. Uh... I thought Bomber would.
Oh, terrific(!) Bomber's not back 'til next week.
Alright then, we'll get up a delegation, right? We can write a strongly worded protest and then Dennis can go...
Dennis
"Dennis can" what? Oh aye, Dennis can tell 'im to naff off. Dennis can get his head thumped!
Ah, we'll all back you up, though.
No, Dennis has got a point.
Well I dunno what all the fuss is aboot, he's not a bad bloke.
Dennis
Oh, no, compared with other violent psychopaths, I suppose he isn't(!)
Well, you've just gotta know how to handle 'im, man.
Well no-one else has, have they? He's done previous, you know.
Yeah, some of the lads told me.
Well, I should hardly think it's income tax evasion.
G-grievous bodily harm, more like.
Dennis
[To Oz] Look, you asked 'im in 'ere, right? You can get shot of 'im.
All right, all right, man! It's nae skin off my nose!
It will be if you don't don't ask him right.
Dennis
Look, I just don't think it's fair that I'm held responsible for every British workman on this site.
Well, I am not to be responsible for how you behave. Look, you people come over here, we give you work. But you are not registered, you are self-employed. So, if you cause trouble, then you must go, unless you correct it among yourselves.
Dennis
Look, my lot don't cause any trouble.
Dennis
Well, they're still a canny set o' lads. Just that Magowan.
He is not German worker. He is Englander.
Dennis
You could sack him.
Does he know you suggest this? I think it is better that he does not, ja?
Dennis
Look, he's ended up in our hut now, man.
Good. Then you can a close watch on him.
Dennis
[Mutters] Oh aye. Smashing(!) [Exits the office]
[To Dennis, gesturing to the barman] Hey, there's no crisps, Den. We've got to have crisps, mate!
Dennis
Man! You can get yer crisps on Monday, man, Barry!
[Entering the bar] Wa-hey!
Dennis
Did you get the, er, spirits, mate?
Why aye. [Produces two bottles from under his jacket and places them in the crates] Schnapps... and a bottle of vodka.
Dennis
Smashing!
That should be enough, shouldn't it?
Dennis
That depends if the Army drink as much as us lads, eh? [Barry chuckles.] Listen, this lot's not got to be touched 'til Monday, right?
What?! Hang on a minute! I mean, if we're ganna carry this all the way over to the hut, I think we deserve a drink.
Dennis
Nah, nah, we've got it in now, man, as an insurance against anybody's reckless spending, right? Not one drop of this will be touched by anybody. Including Magowan. [Neville, Moxey, Barry and Dennis each pick up a crate, while Oz picks up the schnapps and vodka]
He's no problem, you know. 'Ey, he pissed off, y'know, when he heard the darts had been cancelled. Said he wouldn't be back 'til tomorrow.
Dennis
Did he?
You mean we've got a night's reprieve?
Dennis
[Suddenly jubilant] Right, in that case, it's my round! [Puts his crate down] What do you want to drink? [The others also put their crates and bottles down]
And we'll get stuck into the vodka when we get back.
Aye! Let's celebrate, yeah?
Dennis
[To the barman] Five bottles of pils...
Dennis
Morning, Dagmar.
Dennis
Er, just a word in your ear, sir.
[To Dagmar] Dagmar, bitte machen sie mir eine Tasse Kaffee. (Dagmar, can you go make me a coffee, please?)
Das dauert noch ein bischen. Es is noch nicht ganz durch gemacht. (It'll take a while. It's not quite ready yet.)
Ich glaube, ich habe mein Auto nicht abgeschlossen. Können Sie mal sehen? (I think I forgot to lock my car. Can you go and check?) [Hands Dagmar his car keys. She takes them and leaves the office.] Follow me, please. [Dennis follows Grunwald into his office.] Yes, Patterson, what is it?
Dennis
Not a word. Not one word will be heard by any of my lads. No to no-one, not to the Brits, not to the Erics, not to nobody. You have my solemn oath.
Dennis
All except Magowan. But the rest of my lads, I promise you. However, if, er... if Magowan does find out, I mean his silence... I cannae guarantee.
Dennis
So, er... it'd be best all round if Magowan left.
For what excuse can I give? He is good worker.
Dennis
You'll think of somethin'. [Smiles, then leaves Grunwald to it.]
Dennis
Where you off to?
I got me cards from Grunwald.
He says he heard through the grapevine the judge is gonna do me when I go up, you know, make an example or somethin'.
Dennis
Never!
Apparently. I told yer they'd stuff it to me, didn't I? Vindictive bastards!
Dennis
Aye, well, yer... yer best off goin' home. It's better than bein' in the clink.
Aye, s'pose so. [Starts to walk off]
[Turns back and squares up to Neville] That's your bail money up the spout, kid! [Walks off again, this time picking up a wrench as he passes a digger, throwing it through a cabin window, breaking it.]
Dennis
Herr Grunwald?
Dennis
[Gives a thumbs up] Nice one.
Hey, Nev, what time are the Army arriving, eh?
Aboot six o'clock, I'd better put a move on, eh?
We'll go down on the bike, they can follow us back in a taxi.
Aye, it should be a good night. And you're in the team after all, Nev.
Ah, that's not important.
Hello, Dennis. [The lads put their tools in storage] Ahh, it's great, innit? The old spirit restored.
Aye, a darts match and a piss-up to follow, eh? Magic!
Better get some practice in.
Yeah, gotta make a good show against the Army lads.
Dennis
Aye, well there's no panic. We can have a monumental piss-up, but you can forget all about the darts match.
Dennis
Magowan's pissed off with the dartboard. [We see the bare wall where the dartboard used to be. Moxey looks disappointed.]
Er, listen, lads, if youse lot wanna make a few bob on the side, er, maybes you should come in wi' me.
Dennis
How'd you mean, like?
Doin' a bit of moonlighting, are ya, Oz?
Well, I might have this business proposition, right? See, I've met this Eric. Canny lad... for an Eric. Anyway, nothing's finalised yet, so I can't say so much, but if you want in, now's the time to speak up.
Hold on... d'you mean speak up to divvy up, son?
Dennis
Well, tell us what it is, then.
Well, how will we be expected to chip in if you won't explain?
Well, that's the whole point, man, Neville.
Look, the more yer speculate, the more coin yer get back in the back end.
Dennis
But Oz, we're entitled to know what we're speculatin' in!
Aye, in due course, Dennis. When I get everythin' finalised. [Checks himself in the mirror.] But, er, for the moment, all I need is yer readies and yer trust. [Turns round to see blank faces.] Was that askin' too much, like?
Dennis
Bollocks!
Nah, you're askin' too much, son.
Well, suit yerselves, I'll seek investment elsewhere, stuff you lot!
Dennis
Oz! How, at least give us a clue!
[Leaves the hut... then pokes his head in a few seconds later] Well, it's adult, and it's liable to cause offence. [Leaves the hut again.]
Dennis [Thinking aloud] "It's adult, and liable to cause offence"?
Dennis
What happened, Hedley, back in the war? I mean, what started all this off?
HHedley
[Takes a breather] ...Staff Sergeant Hedley Irwin, 22215709, sir. [Starts coughing violently.]
Dennis
Take it easy, Hedley. It's all right, man.
HHedley
[Points under his bed] Give us that tin.
Dennis
Just lie back.
[Getting the tin] This one?
HHedley
Aye, that's it. [Hedley opens the tin.] I was in the war, you know, as well. [Getting his medals out.] Army of Occupation. Stayed on. The Yanks... the Ivans... and us. [Starts coughing again. He reaches for his mask.]
Dennis
[Helping Hedley with the mask] Take it easy, it's all right. [Hedley takes a few deep breaths.]
[To Dennis] What's he on about?
Dennis
Well, y'see, when the war was over, the British, the Americans, the French and the Russians, they stayed in Germany to, like, occupy it. Yer kna, to administer it, like. Well, Hedley, he was obviously in the British lot.
HHedley
[Takes the mask off and puts it aside] Non-fraternisation. That's what they called it. You weren't allowed to mix. But a lot of Jerries worked for us. But you weren't allowed to fraternise socially. Verboten. [Takes out an old photograph of a young woman and shows it to Neville] She worked at Command Headquaters. On the switchboard, she worked. Spoke the bloody lingo, didn't she?
Dennis
So... what did you do that was so terrible, then?
HHedley
Why, I married her, didn't I? [Starts coughing again.]
Dennis
Here. [Gives Hedley the mask.] Nurse!
SSister
Oh, you come again?
Dennis
Yeah. Er... have you moved him?
SSister
I'm sorry, he's died.
But... he was only... here yesterday.
SSister
Of course, but...
Dennis
Here, Neville, well, I mean...
SSister
One minute. [She goes to the bed and picks up Hedley's belongings.]
Dennis
Like the Sister says, you know, it was... for the best. It was expected.
SSister
He has no family in Germany since his wife's death.
Dennis
Yeah. Yeah, I know.
NNurse
[Passing through with pillowcases] Vorsicht! Vorsicht! Darf ich bitte vorbei. Danke schön. (Excuse me! Excuse me! Can I get through, please? Thank you very much.)
SSister
So, perhaps you wish to take this.
Dennis
Oh. Okay then, thanks. [Takes Hedley's belongings from the Sister.]
SSister
He was looking at these before he... It was the last thing he was holding.
Dennis
Really? [The Sister leaves the ward.]
[Upset] I cannae believe it.
Dennis
Aye. It shakes you up a bit, son, doesn't it?
[Sitting on the bed] I've, erm, I've never experienced death before. Not first hand. I mean, me dad died, but I was just a nipper. A few relatives I hardly knew.
Dennis
[Opening the envelope] Yeah, well... we barely knew him, I mean, did we?
No, but we were gettin' to know him though, weren't we? And then, next day, just like that...
Dennis
Yer see, Neville, I mean, you're a young lad, you know. You go to christenings and weddings. You know, once you start gettin' a bit older, you... you get used to goin' to funerals, yer kna.
I suppose so. [Dennis takes out the items in the envelope.] What's those?
Dennis
Oh, some old, er, postcards. [He looks through them] The Lake District... Vale of Evesham... Hey, yer kna, despite what the old bugger said, I reckon, er... he missed England after all, yer know.
Where will he be buried, Dennis?
Dennis
Well, here, I suppose. I mean, he didn't have anybody else, did he?
Dennis
[Looks at Neville] So what?
I think he'd have wanted to go back home.
Dennis
No, no. Of course. You did the right thing, Wayne, in the circumstances. ...Well, I mean, especially if she... if she feels like that about it. ...No, I'll phone the undertakers. Er, it'll not have left yet.
Dennis
"Poor old Hedley"? You're jokin', aren't yer? He were a right little rascal. Aye, he made a fool of us right enough!
He must have fooled a lot more over the years.
Dennis
He was a little waster, Bomber. He wasn't cashiered, yer kna. Court martialled, man.
I still think it's a shame, especially after all the work we've put in. Especially Oz.
Dennis
Hey, Oz'll be at the airport, I've have to get after him. [Puts down his trowel and starts to run off]
Wait a minute, Den. [Den stops.] Old Bomber may be on the slow side, but he's given Oz a lot of thought these last few days.
Dennis
What are you gettin' at?
He had some scheme in mind about selling pornographic videos.
Dennis
[Thinking back to earlier in the week...] "Adult. Liable to give offence."
I knows that 'cos I saw them in his locker.
Dennis
Yeah, so? What?
Well, I know they're not there now, 'cos I looked. And I don't want you to think I'm being vindictive just 'cos he mangled my foot, but they're gone. And so's the coffin.
The coffin [Finally putting 2 and 2 together...] Oh, hey, I cannae believe that, Bomber!
Dennis
Can't you, Neville? Eh? Big-hearted Oz, all of a sudden? Sick grandads in London? Makes sense to me!
Now let's look at it this way. If he's really got a sick grandfather, then his trip's worthwhile. But if he's been having us on, he deserves everything he gets!
Dennis
Guten Tag, mein Herr.
[Mimes winding the window down] Was? (What?)
Dennis
[Rolls his eyes] Guten Tag, mein Herr.
Guten Tag. Benzin, bitte. (Petrol, please.)
Dennis
Wieviel Benzin? (How much petrol?)
Dreissig Liter, bitte. (Thirty litres, please.)
Dennis
Thirty, is that thirty?
[Consulting the phrase book] Aye.
[Doing his ironing] Now, that sounds really German that does, y'know. I really admire you two for taking the opportunity for educational advancement, you know. When you get back to England, you could have another string to your bow.
'Ey, they'll be able to order petrol on the M1 in Germany.
Dennis
Wollen Sie ein Trink, Neville? (Want to come out for a drink, Neville?)
Ja, ja, das is ein gut idea.
Dennis
We're goin' over the club for a drink. Are you comin', Barry?
No, no. No, thanks, I'd better get through this ironing. "Permanent press" seems to have lost its meaning these days.
Dennis
Moxey?
[Eating from a tin] I'd like to, y'know, but, er, I'm skint.
[Getting his coat out of his locker] Ah, don't worry about that, Mox, man. Oz paid us back that fifty he owed us.
[Checks under his pillow - the fifty is gone.] Oh, no!
Dennis
What's the matter?
He must've took it back again!
Well, he's got an important date down the Tivoli.
He never asked, though. He makes me mad!
He takes advantage of your good nature, Nev, if you ask me.
[Snatches his coat of the bed] Do a bloke like Oz a favour and he walks all o'er yer! Can yer see the footprints up me face? [Puts his coat on, making for the door as he does]
Dennis
Look, you can't do anything about it tonight, Neville.
I can and I will! There's a principle involved here! He's tried this on once too often! [He leaves the hut. Dennis shrugs. A few seconds later, Neville comes back...] Where'd you say he'd went?
Er, down the Tivoli, it was.
Right. I'm off down there.
Dennis
Auf Wiedersehen, mein Freund.
Bollocks! [Leaves again.]
So, er... where'd you learn to do that, then, Bomb?
Oh, I picked up a lot of tricks in my time, boyo. [Bites the thread off.] There we are.
Oh, you're a mate, Bomb. Cheers.
Dennis
[Still learning German with Neville] Was is das, Nev?
Dennis
Hey, that's a canny jumper, man!
I tell you what, we can hang it on the wall, eh, when he's not wearing it? Very decorative.
It'll cover up that stain from the night Moxey puked up.
This is for the best, this!
She gave us a present, didn't she?
She must think a lot of you, eh?
Oh, aye. See, I've just realised, Nev, they cannae tell accents here. As far as she knas, I could be talkin' the same as the Queen Mother! [Laughs]
Must be thick if she think's you're the Queen Mother.
[Taking offence] 'Ey, shut your face, you. That's my fiancée you're talkin' aboot.
Dennis
Fiancée?
Aye, that's what yer call someone you're ganna marry, isn'it?
Dennis
What are you talkin' about, man? You're already married.
Aye, in England. Cannae hold that against us here.
Howay, then, lads. That's enough lazing around. Shall we...?
Dennis
What's the panic, like?
Ah, yer kna, the Erics have started. Doesn't do to lag behind, does it? [Sees Herr Ulrich passing through the site] Oh, guten Tag, Herr Ulrich! Wie geht's? (How are you?)
[Rather surprised] Mir geht's ganz gut, Osbourne. Und ich bin sehr beeindruckt, daß Sie Deutsch spechen versuchen. (I'm fine, Osbourne, and I'm very impressed that you're trying to speak German.)
Dennis
He says he's very impressed, Oz, that you're trying to learn German.
Oh, aye! Well, just a few words, like. I haven't got that far yet.
Ja, but you're trying, Osbourne. That's good. Also, you're now starting back to work quickly. [Oz nods.] In Germany, just because we have a break does not mean we always take it. [Walks off]
Dennis
[Ruefully] That's great, that is, isn'it, eh? We're on a legitimate break, he makes it look as if we're skivin'!
Still creeping 'round the Germans, then?
Nah, nah, man. Look, since I've been seein' Uli, Bomber, I've seen things in a different light. I mean, I now realise it takes all sorts to make a world. I mean, the average German's alreet. Compared to them Turks.
Ah, it's good to know he hasn't changed that much, Bomber, eh?
What's wrong with the Abduls?
Look, they account for half the crime in German cities.
Have a look around, man. The only dirty parts in this town are the parts where the Abduls live.
Dennis
That's not their fault, man. They're over here as sweated labour. They get the worst housing, the lowest wages.
They're unclean in their habits, Dennis. [Goes off to start work, followed by Neville.]
So, you're still pretty keen on this Uli, then, Oz, eh?
Sure. I'm not sayin' she's not attractive, but, er, you are a married man, Oz.
Ah, howay, Nev, man! We got married too young, man. We stuck it out eight years. That's long enough. I mean, let's face it, me and Marjorie's not exactly Charles and Diana, is we?
I mean, I don't kid meself, Marjorie's a bit flighty. She's still seein' that bloke from the breweries, yer kna.
Well, you should've put a stop to that a long time ago.
What? Have yer seen the size of 'im? He lifts them barrels up with one hand, man!
Dennis
Listen! Look, we've all got to agree on one decent colour, it's as simple as that.
Dennis
Ah, Neville, man...
When Brenda an' me was on our honeymoon, the hotel room was pink.
I don't wanna live in a pink room. It's not a man's colour.
What'll the Erics and the Abduls think if they find out us lot are livin' in a pink shed?
Could do my reputation a lot of harm, that could.
Ah, but green is nice. It's soothing, is green. We used to have an eau-de-nil bathroom. That was a lovely shade.
Sounds like a bloody council estate.
You're one the priveliged, livin' on a council estate.
Now, listen, right? I think we've got to settle this by democratic means.
Right. How's this? Each bloke has a bit 'round his bed the colour he likes.
Right. I'll have my bit pink.
Wait a minute. If I wakes up and looks straight at that wall behind your bed, I'll be seeing pink!
And that'll make him see red, won't it?
Dennis
Oh, Wayne, man. Look, man, we can't have the hut decorated in stripes. That's barmy, man.
Dennis
We've got to agree on one decent colour.
Look, I have actually worked out a way of doing this. Look. Right, no, no listen, look. I've got a list of colours, right? Now, I've got a column for first choice, and a column for second, right? Now, each colour gets two points, er, two points a first choice and one for second, right. No, no, no. We used this method when we elected the chairman of the West Bromwich and District Sunday Methodist Table Tennis League.
Oh well, Barry. It's tried and tested then, innit(?)
Oh, 'ey. Come 'ead, Barry. The suspense is killin' us.
Have a bit of patience, Moxey.
Apparently, the polls are predicting purple.
Dennis
Aye, well, the Poles don't have to live in our hut, do they?
Can I have your attention, please, for a moment? [Clears throat] I, as returning officer... [The others shout him down, telling him to get on with it] All right, all right. The votes as cast are as follows. The winner is... yellow.
Dennis
Yellow?!
Dennis
Who voted yellow?
Me neither. It's not a man's colour!
Figures don't lie, y'know.
So, whose first choice was it then, 'ey?
[Glances down at his sheet] Nobody's.
Well, then, how could it win?
Because no two people had the same first choice.
Dennis
So... so everybody's first choice only got two points?
That's right, and yellow got three second places.
Dennis
Well that’s a smashing system that is, Barry, isn'it? Eh? Everybody gets what nobody wants.
That’s democracy, Dennis.
Auf Wiedersehen, Pet · 320 quotes
