Archer · Season 5
[Before they sing a duet of Danger Zone]
It's in D-minor. Do you know what that is? Or even what chords are?
[sigh] Yes.
Wow, snotty. OK, fine. So during the boring parts, just scream "Outlaw Country".
Absolutely not.
Lana, in case you haven't noticed, this place is crawling with rebels.
And not the good kind you get drunk with at Myrtle Beach and cruise the strip in the bed of their Monster truck with a big rebel flag on it, flinging empty longnecks at people!
Yeah, those aren't actually the good kind either.
Now who's racist?!
Those guys, Pam. Those exact same guys you just described.
This is how you steal a painting. Did you never see The Thomas Crown Affair?
No. Not a huge Steve McQueen fan.
[Laughs] Oh, my God, are you... Archer, you used to moan about him in your sleep!
I... I... No, I didn't.
I just this second realised why you want to stay down here! Cyril's just the Vader to your Palpatine.
Is that a reference I should get, or...
Seriously?
Well I'm sorry, Lana, I didn't go to rabbinical school.
It's from... No, y'know what, never mind. But, spoiler alert, Vader ends up killing Palpatine.
Hey.
But only for three days, right? And then he moves the rock and comes out of his cave stronger than ever.
Then he shuts off the tractor beam, releasing the Jews from captivity.
What?
Hey.
Wait, yes, now that sounds familiar.
It cannot possibly!
Where did you get that?!
Let's just say I honestly don't remember.
[To Caldarone] Did you ever think maybe your fleet of priceless cars is the reason you're fighting off a rebellion?
I'm fighting the rebels because that is what we do. My Father fought the rebels, his father fought the rebels.
So like a family business.
That manufactures oppression!
Well, and cocaine.
[looking at a tiger in the zoo]
They should have sent a poet. Oh, and some meat. Do we have any meat?
[An elephant trumpets offscreen] Literally tons.
No, I didn't mean another animal. I meant like a steak.
Typical American! You think meat comes from the supermercado, all wrapped in nice plastic wrap.
Yeah, you're describing meat.
No, no, no. Meat is blood and bones and sinew.
Well, now you're describing not-meat.
Meat is whatever the tiger says is meat. Because God made him the boss and all the other animals his food.
[The tiger roars]
[to tiger] Hang on, buddy. [To Caldarone] And thank you, George Bore-well, for that clunky analogy in defense of totalitarianism! But I'm not feeding Shane an elephant.
You are not robbing my palace!
Oh yes, we are. And if you've got any sense, you'll fill your pockets too. Because your regime is officially over. I've seen coups from Angola to Zanzibar and this is how it ends. In the trunk of a taxi to the airport, your belly full of diamonds and vodka, praying your driver doesn't rat you out to the Reds at the last checkpoint. Because then the last thing you'll ever hear, besides a pistol cocking behind your head, is Ivan's laugh... [Pam starts laughing] What in the name of God is funny?!
You said you'd seen cooze!
[Picks up M16] Private Me, reporting for Sploosh.
[on the nerve gas] Come on, you don't want a thing like that falling into the wrong hands. The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is that good men do nothing.
Said the clone of Adolf Hitler.
Well... Edmund Burke, but... doesn't matter who.
Okay, so, remember when you had cancer?
[laughs] Um... uh, vaguely.
Okay, well, we all thought you were gonna die. And one night you got really drunk and we almost had sex, and right before you passed out, you told me Malory had convinced you to freeze a bunch of your sperm at Dr. Feldman's office, and I was like "huh, weird." And then you didn't die, [Archer starts zoning out into a gradually increasing high-pitched tone] and a few years went by and I started thinking about having a baby, but I was single and all the other stuff aside, physically you're an amazing human being. And all the other other stuff aside, I do actually love you. And so here's this viable sample sitting there at Dr. Feldman's, whose security system is a JOKE, by the way, and so I guess it maybe wasn't the most ethical thing I've ever done in my entire life.... Uhhh... Archer? ...Archer? ...Archer?
[Archer snaps out of it]
What's that?! Wait, wait... huh? What?!
You okay?
Yeah, sorry. For a second I thought I was just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago. [Archer takes a drink] Lana? Am I just now coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?
No.
Hmm. Lana? Am I just NOW coming out of a coma from when I drowned saving your life eight months ago?
No.
Then, what are you... [Archer looks at the baby] Baby, what is she saying? Baby? Baby?! Baby?!?! [Baby holds up a finger as she nurses on Lana] M-meep...
Sterling Archer...
...Meep.
...I'd like you to meet your daughter, Abbiejean.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
