[cocking a gun] Cyril, hit the deck!
Wait, why Cyril—
[Shooting North Korean spies] GET SOME, YOU SONS OF BITCHES! GET SOME!
S4 E9The Honeymooners
Aww man, did I miss it?!
Oh my god, the toilet!?
No, Jesus! ...Although it is clogged.
S4 E10Un Chien Tangerine
Don't ruin the moment.
You're missing out on all the great things that Tangiers has to offer.
Name one.
Cheap...
[Interrupting] Apart from cheap hash and a repulsively low age of consent.
Rugs?
Ms. Archer, Lana for you, line one.
I'm not here.
[scared] Then how...
My God, a perfect score on the IFAAB merely indicates that a person is a candidate for field agent status! It can't determine if they're suited for actual field work. I mean, what if she had to subdue an agent?
Cue sad trombone, and... go.
[Snaps fingers, showing video of Cyril, Ray and Krieger being mauled by Pam.]
Pam! What the hell did you... waagh! [Brief shot of Cyril thrown to ground and picked up and thrown again] My God!
And it goes on like that for another 38 soul-cleaving minutes
Of which, you were there for 2.
3! Hey, I was scared, I ran away; sue me! And sue me for this! Smoke bomb!
[While walking through the desert] Because you let him. Because you let him push your buttons. That's why you stormed off with no GPS, gun, phone, or lifesaving water. And that's why you died in the desert. [Beat] Holy shit I'm gonna die in the desert. [Gasps] Just like Cheryl's gypsy woman said!
[Flashback to the ISIS break room, as Lana is talking to Cheryl while opening a soda bottle]
How. Would I ever. Die in a dessert.
[Back to the present]
Well, pretty close.
Plus I'm a quick learner, plus you've seen me drive I'm an amazing driver, plus I almost never get sick, plus I already bought three pantsuits, plus...
Alright! I'll think about it.
Is that a real "you'll think about it," or a "Pam, if your pig Leon wins a blue ribbon at the county fair, maybe we won't kill him and eat him for Easter dinner and render what's left into soap," "you'll think about it"?
It's...
Because I never really got over that.
It's a real one!
YAAAAYYYY!!!
But thank you for that glimpse into your bleak, farm-y childhood.
It was actually pretty awesome. And if I'm being honest, so was Leon.
[to Kazak the dog] Okay, buddy, so here's the deal. A., scrooch down! And B., normally in this situation, I'd do a PIT maneuver, but if I do, the truck will flip, and if Lana doesn't die, best case scenario, she's a quadriplegic and I marry her out of guilt, but after a few years of feeding tubes and colostomy bags I start to resent her and the night nurse is, like, Brazilian and twenty. [Kazak growls] Don't judge me! I have needs, man! The point is, and it might be a kind of shitty plan [jams the canteen against the gas pedal] but I'm gonna jump on the truck, so I need you to take the... [Kazak barks] Wheel, exactly. So— [sees Kazak is gone] Kazak? [Sees Kazak has jumped onto the truck and is mauling the kidnappers] Lana, look! He thinks he's vampires!
S4 E11The Papal Chase
...and then, give me the file I asked for!
Yeah, why don't I shove a broom up my ass and sweep the floor while I'm at it?
What was that?
Nothing!
Good. Saves you the embarrassment of an incredibly homophobic remark.
Awwwww.
[Pam's holding a large mirror above the Pope, who's sleeping]
Put that down, Pam, he's not— [Pam drops the mirror right on the Pope] —dead! Nice job, Oliver Cromwell!
I killed the Pope!
Yeah, that's why I said Oliver—
[Jumps on top of the mirror that's still on the Pope, grabbing Archer by his shirt] JESUS CHRIST, I'M GOING TO HELL! I'M GOING TO HELL! I— [Archer slaps her four times]
Pam.
Yes?
[Beat]
Get off the Pope.
Lana! NOW!
He said, last-wordsingly.
[Archer pulls up in a Bubble Car]
Are you shitting me?!
What? It was either this or the Vespas. It's not my fault Italy's so gay!
The good news is my men have apprehended Cardinal Correlli, who immediately confessed to the plot.
HA-HEY! That is good news!
You know how the whole the good news is thing works, right?
The bad news is...
Oh, right.
So, what are you, like, the Mafia?
Hah! We are like your Mafia...
Like Seal Team 6 is like the Girl Scouts.
Exactly.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Archer pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.