["Video Review" song plays]
We've seen them a thousand times over before!
And that's why our brains don't work anymore!
The Player is a movie about finding fresh new scripts, like Rambo III and Rocky V and Star Trek Number VI.
Eva toured with Zsa Zsa and they formed a sister act, but both were Unforgiven because neither one could act.
The Hand That Rocked the Cradle once belonged to Hook, you see, but it got bored, and so it joined The Addams Family.
Amadeus was a genius, Beethoven was a dog, The Muppet Family Christmas is about a pig and frog.
There was a sled named "Rosebud" and a citizen named "Kane," he rode 'til the snow was melted, now he's Singin' in the Rain.
The Princess Bride got married to the handsome Prince of Tides, which now makes her dad, The Fisher King the Father of the Bride.
And pretty soon, you'll see them all inside the TV Guide. Along with all the stars you like to see!
Like Hitchcock and Spielberg and Oliver Stone...
Shirley MacLaine and Sylvester Stallone...
Francis Ford Coppola, Hepburn and Tracy...
Robert Zemeckis and Martin Scorsese...
Clint Eastwood, John Wayne, Woody Allen and Mia...
Robert DeNiro and Andy Garcia...
Sophia Loren, Barbra Streisand, Joan Crawford...
Paul Newman, Rock Hudson, Spike Lee, Peter Lawford...
Jack Nicholson, Brando and Marilyn Monroe....And that's all the people we know!
DPDon Pepperoni
[to Mobster henchmen] Show these kids the door!
That's okay, we can see it from here. [Mobster henchmen pick the Warners up and carry them bodily to the door] Ooh, nice door.
[Camera changes to outside the restaurant as the Warners are thrown flying out the door]
[to his siblings] Was it something we said?
So what'll it be Dadoo? The calamari or the squid?
DPDon Pepperoni
The calamari is squid.
Well, how 'bout the pasta or the noodles.
DPDon Pepperoni
The pasta is noodles.
Well, would you like red sauce or marinara?
DPDon Pepperoni
Marinara is red sauce!
Zucchini or squash? Ham or prosciutto? Drink or beverage?
DPDon Pepperoni
[yelling] THEY'RE ALL THE SAME!
[to Dot] Do you realize that this cuts our menu in half?
So 'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house.
Some creatures was stirring.
Including a mouse! [points at Pinky and the Brain]
Tonight, my dear Pinky, our plan is unfurled, we'll steal Santa's sleigh and take over the world!
Brain, you're a genius, you simply astound me! [accidentally hits Brain with a sack he's carrying knocking him off the tower] Narf! Brain's going to pound me.
[after Ralph who's dressed as Santa Claus crashes through their ceiling] He was dressed all in furs with a glaze in his eyes, 'cuz the fall knocked him silly
[dazed] Duh, happy Easter you guys!
His face how it twinkled, his dimples how merry.
His cheeks were like roses.
[pointing at Ralph's stomach sticking out his shirt] His gut that was scary!
[First lines; cartoon opens up outside Slappy's tree. Fade to inside. Skippy walks down stairs]
Hi, Aunt Slappy. What's for breakfast?
A brand new cereal from Smellogs, Branimaniacs. [shows him the cereal]
You don't...but just look at what's inside! [pouring the cereal into the bowl, in slow motion] Branimaniacs is chock-filled with tasty bran, crunchy fiber, natural roughage and...tiny sugar cubes shaped like my head. [sets it onto the table, with a carton of milk, a plate of bacon, eggs, and half of a lemon] It's an important part of this balanced breakfast. So dig in, Skippy. [pours milk on both of their Branimaniacs]
You bet! [eats the cereal]
And remember to start your day with Branimaniacs for that get up and go feeling.
[Both eat the cereal, gulp, and, suddenly, their stomachs rumble. Then they shake, and shake again as their eyes merge]
[They both run in opposite directions. Cut to Warners dancing next to giant cereal box]
[singing] Eat Branimaniacs. Nutritionally, it lacks, but this cereal attacks all of your digestive tracts. It's Branimani-
[speaking, looking sick] My stomach's in pain-y
[in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] Once upon a time, in a land far, far away. [camera pans right to a village] No, much farther than that. [camera pans right to another village] No, further still. [camera pans right, then comes to a screeching halt to pan left back to another village] Uhh, here we are. Anyway. In this land far, far, far, far away, there was a village of poor, but happy people. [a man drives his ox-pulled wagon down path] The villagers were poor, because they were terrorized by a giant, who lived in the clouds.
[Ralph the Giant steps on road, man screams, and runs away. Ox runs away]
RGRalph the Giant
Duh, vroom, vroom! Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh! Vroom! He he he he he heh! [puts wagon in pocket, takes moose out of forest] All the dinky treasures of the world are mine! [laughs, takes tree, uses it to dust house, and takes house from ground. People run away, screaming]
[in a Sterling Holloway-esque voice] And, so, with the giant gone, the poor village became a wealthy suburb. [the same man with jewelry rides past The Used Cow Lot, waving mutually. The Harp and the Warners are on stage with The Mayor] And the heroic Warners were richly rewarded for saving the village.
MMayor
As Mayor of The Village of The Happy and Rich, I am proud to present the three Warners with... [reaches in pocket as the Warners look in anticipation] Five beans, and Merv Griffin's autograph.
[The villagers applaud offscreen as Yakko is given items]
[annoyed] Doesn't anyone ever get cash in fairytales?
[A harmonica version of "Home on the Range" plays in the background. A butterfly flies to a trail. "Kentucky wilderness 1767" appears on the screen, then disappears. A blue rabbit and a purple rabbit hop into view, sniffing each other, and the ground. Suddenly, a tree is falling. They hop away. Suddenly, the song changes to upbeat music. A swarm of bees flies for their lives. One bee stops to look left and right and flies to the swarm as Daniel Boone drives his oxen-driven wagon, pushing down a tree]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone was a great big guy. Yes, a really big guy. He knocks down trees and frightens off bees so they'll cry.
[A swarm of bees flies up as Daniel Boone knocks down a couple of trees, using his wagon. A bee flies into the camera, with the inside of his mouth filling the screen. Wipe to Daniel Boone]
[hopping off his wagon] Kentucky at last! I'm gonna build me a little log cabin right here, then a log cabin for my oxen, then a summer cabin. The only thing I love more than building cabins is chopping down trees. [chops down a tree] Birch is good wood for clothespins. [and another...] This oak'll make a dandy shelf. [and several more...wipe to him and his wagon outside Slappy Squirrel's tree] Well, I'll be kissed by a wolverine, a bessemer elm! That's the best wood around for makin' a front door.
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone saw a great big tree. An attractive tree. But he didn't know it was home to a squirrel named Slappy.
[Inside, Slappy and her nephew, Skippy, are making candles over a cauldron of hot wax]
How come we're making so many candles, Aunt Slappy?
Skippy, it's the 1700s. What'd you expect? Rollerblading?
[Suddenly, the tree begins to shake]
Maybe my colon. I hope not. I'll go find out. [goes outside to find Boone chopping down her tree] Hey! You break this tree, you're gonna pay for it!
Looky here, you old squirrel. I'm Daniel Boone, the best frontiersman that ever lived!
Well, I'm Slappy Squirrel, and I'm so old my blood is solid. What are you doing to my tree?
I'm fixin' to make it into the front door of my new cabin. Now, git, or I'll make a cap out of ya!
[slamming the door] I got yer cap right here.
No old squirrel's gonna stand between me and my cabin!
[As Boone keeps chopping, Slappy peeks out of an upper window, holding a cauldron of hot wax]
Excuse me, Boone? Is there any chance you might find another tree?
I was hoping you'd say that. [pours hot wax on top of Boone, freezing him mid-swing] Maybe he can rent himself out as a menorah. [laughs]
[Boone ties a rope around Slappy's tree and then ties it to his oxen]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone had a great big plan. Yes, a very large plan. He'd fix that squirrel by yanking her treehouse from the land.
Pull, you lazy, good-for-nothing critters! [slaps his oxen on the back and they start pulling at the tree] Reckon this'll teach that old squirrel that I'm the king of the wilderness. [suddenly, the rope goes limp] Huh? [turns around and sees Slappy and the oxen holding picket signs]
What do you say? We won't dray! What we want is an eight-hour day!
[angry, turning red] What in blazes are you doin'?!
Call me Norma Rae, or Barbara Rae, but I unionised your team.
Get back to work, you dumb slabs of hide!
[The oxen glare down at Boone, who smiles sheepishly, before pounding him into the ground with their picket signs]
[Boone sneaks up to Slappy's tree under cover of a bush]
[singing offscreen] Daniel Boone had another big plan. Yes, a crafty plan-
SHH! [laughs] I'm gonna give that squirrel my famous panther call. She'll think a real panther is coming and run out of that tree like a fat badger. [laughs, and does a weak imitation of a panther roar]
[Inside, Slappy and Skippy are churning butter]
[sarcastically] Gee, Aunt Slappy, a panther.
[sarcastically] You think so? Maybe we oughta run for our lives. [Boone roars again. She walks out the front door and churns the butter onto the ground near the bush] I'm running away like a fat badger! [Boone peeks out of the bush and comes face to face with a real panther who roars in his face. Boone tries to run away but slips on the butter. He cries out in pain as the panther starts mauling him] The panther's in my bridge club.
