Barry quotes from American Dad!

[sighs] I'm gonna fail this assignment 'cause my dad won't open up.

Snot

I'm gonna fail 'cause my dad went to Home Depot five years ago and never came back. Look, Steve, a lot of people feel more comfortable talking about personal things when it's not face-to-face.

Barry

Maybe you should try calling your dad.

I guess it's worth a shot.

Hello?

Hey, Dad. What-what you up to?

Eating lunch. I just needed a break from work, you know? Lately, I've been thinking about all the people I've had to kill.

God. The first five, ten times you take a life, it's eerie. You remember every detail. I can see all their faces. One had a beard. Each time I pulled the trigger, I tied a little knot in my memory that no amount of whiskey could loosen.

'Course eventually, I just stopped caring. Now I can put a bullet through a man's head while figuring how much KFC to pick up on my way home. It's usually no more than a bucket. The sick thing is, I've come to love it-- snuffing out lives, I crave it. I feel like an angel of death. The Messenger of Eternal Darkness.

S9 The Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari

A merciless demon with an unquenchable-- oh, they just put more orange chicken in the buffet. Gotta run.

View quote →

Barry

...and that's why my dad didn't go to his dad's funeral, and why I won't go to my dad's funeral! [he crumples up his paper, throws it on the ground angrily, and storms off]

BMr. Brink

Steve, you're up.

Yeah. Uh, see... m-my dad wasn't really willing to answer the questions.

BMr. Brink

Sounds like a whole lot of nonsense, Steve. You know what I think? I think you're just trying to get out of this assignment.

[shortly] Oh, is that what you think? Okay, Mr. Brink, here we go. [Steve walks up in front of the class, pulls out his cellphone, and speed-dials Stan]

Hello?

Hey, Dad. I'm calling from my history class. So, who was president when you were a kid?

Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? [Mr. Brink's eyes widen, while Steve simply looks bored] You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up, before I remember who I am and what my life is all about--

[voice breaking] anxiety, disappointment... diarrhea more often than not. [sighs] I don't-- I don't know if there's an afterlife, but who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days. [Steve hangs up]

S9 The Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari

See, Mr. Brink? [he looks up to see Mr. Brink is no longer at his desk] Mr. Brink?

BMr. Brink

[sadly] He's right-- it's pointless. Life... dismissed. [he jumps out the window, and a loud, wet thud is heard right after]

View quote →

[after Stan has abandoned Steve and his friends in the woods]

I can't believe my dad ditched us here.

TToshi

[in Japanese] And he dishonored us by taking our cell phones.

Snot

Guys, how long do you think we can last out here?

Barry

I don't know. But if we're gonna die, I'm not goin' out a virgin.

[he hugs a nearby tree]

Snot

Well, if trees count, then I'm Wilt Chamberlain.

S9 E13 I Ain't No Holodeck Boy

View quote →

[opening the fridge to look for food] Where the hell are the leftovers?

[turns on light] Looking for something?

[seeing Barry eating his mac and cheese omelettes on the dining table with Francine] Barry? You're eating the leftovers?

Maybe you can have his leftovers.

Barry

We both know that's not gonna happen.

No dinner meant no dinner.

I didn't come down here for food. I'm down here for the crisper drawer. [He gets the crisper drawer and puts it in front of his face] I'm building a fort and it needs a window.

[Suddenly, Steve's stomach begins to grumble]

You sound hungry.

I'M HUNGRY TO FINISH MY FORT!

S12 Morning Mimosa

View quote →

HMr. Herschel

Look, this vape pen isn't gonna smoke itself behind the gym. The "F" stands.