Steve Smith quotes from American Dad!

Steve

You're not gonna get away with this! I snuck on a walkie-talkie and alerted the other Protectors.

Roger

How did you sneak on a walkie-talkie? I did repeated full-cavity searches!

Steve

It was in my pocket.

Steve

The teacher here is supposed to be the most intense and demanding instructor in all of clowning, and--[immediate realization hits him] shit, it's Roger, isn't it? It's gonna be Roger.

Roger

Alright, jagoffs. The name's H.J. Rimmens. Look to your left. Look to your right. By the end of the semester, 60% of you will be dead by your own hand. The rest will be clowns, ya dig?

Steve

Okay, I'm outta here.

Roger

[checks clipboard] Huh. I'm-- I'm a little confused, because you said here on your application you wanted to be a clown.

Steve

[whispers] More than anything.

Roger

So what's your gooch? [to the other students] "Gooch" is horncorn for clown name. "Horncorn" is horncorn for clown lingo. Gonna be honkin' a lot of horncorn around here, ya dig? [to Steve] So what's your gooch, kid?

Steve

Dimples.

Roger

Dimples? Pretty buckety gooch, don't ya think? [to students] More horncorn. [chuckles, then turns back to Steve] Relax, just sliding your whistle. Why don't you show us what you got?

Steve

I...uh...

Roger

Come on man, no pressure. Just lay a little jape on these cats. Whatever you got. No big.

Roger

Fart was a nice touch. Smells, too. Ladies and gentleman, we could be looking at the next Emmet Kelly... [Steve smiles] of sucking!

Steve

[disappointed] Ohh.

Roger

That's right, you nut-lickin' little turds! I ain't here to hold your hands! I'm here to play mind games and emotionally abuse you into being clowns! [he kicks on the the balls, it bounces off a wall offscreen and hits his crotch, he falls over in pain] That's clowning, you shitheads!

Roger

Well, kid... you suck...

Steve

[disappointed] Mm.

Roger

...ceded beautifully...

Steve

[hopefully] Mm?

Roger

...at being god-awful...

Steve

[disappointed] Mm.

Roger

...is the opposite of how I feel.

Steve

[hopefully] ...Mm?

Roger

Psych! You stink, and I hate you. [Roger pulls Steve down by his bowtie and speaks directly into his face] Now get this through your skull, man, 'cause I don't play mind games. You will never be a clown.

Roger

You got potential, kid, and you can't teach that. You know what? I host a little retreat every summer at my house on Block Island for just a handful of my most promising students. No real structure, we just honk a little buffoonery, lay some japes, blow each other-- you know, clown stuff. And I think you could make the cut.

Steve

Really?

Roger

If you push yourself to the absolute limit. [a goofy ringtone plays, and Roger pulls out his phone] Uhp, I gotta take this. It's my ac-clown-tant. You know, a clown-accountant. He's got this giant calculator that only ever adds up to "boobs." Pretty funny, but frankly, I think he's been stealing from me.

Klaus

So many people dead. Breaking Bad is depressing!

Steve

For the saps who watch the show in regular order!

Roger

Yep... for us "reversos", and Christian Scientists, I think, death is but the beginning of the story.

Roger

How did you know what I would do and say?

Steve

That's where I come in. I wrote over 1,800 pages of dialogue to account for any possibility. We spent months rehearsing to make sure we got the performances just right.

Vikram threatened to walk out multiple times.

Steve

But Vikram killed it.

Hayley

We appreciate you listening more, Dad, but when are you gonna get your tongue reattached?

Stan

Roger won't give it back.

Roger

That's 'cause I'm still waiting for that dinner.

Steve

Roger...

Roger

All right, fine. [He pulls a Gramophone out of his butt] This is gonna take a minute, Stan.

Roger

Steve, you cannot be seen with those losers during an election. I got you new friends.

Steve

New friends?! If you think I'm gonna abandon... [Three ripped, shirtless teen boys enter] Make sure those dorks don't sneak in through the back.

Enjoy your last night at Pendlingtonton. I assume you'll need the next 12 hours to pack up all your jock straps and Gold Bond.

Steve

Am I the first man you've ever met?

Come in, Steve.

Steve

I didn't even knock.

Oh, I could hear your little pecker swinging to and fro all the way down the hall. Clanging against your thighs like a church bell.

Steve

Nudist resort? But nude is how you have sex.

Barry

It doesn't have to be.