[at the end, the family opens their presents on Christmas Day]
This is great Brian, it's forgiving eye exams. Right, Brian?
No, you look into it and push the button.
It's Sylvester & Tweety! Ha! Die cat! Die! Yeah!
Yeah and we ended up with a really beautiful tree.
It should be. It cost me $367 what with the fine I'm towing.
Who are these presents for?:
Oh, I almost forgot, a few tokens from the old ALFer.
Well, you got us presents? ALF, you can't shop. This is America, Kate. Everybody can shop. I use the catalog.
Thanks ALF. Look a staple gun.
Goodness, a rotary sander for me.
It is the thought that counts.
And the important thing is we're all together. Inthe words of the immortal St. Frosty the Snowman. God bless us all everyone.
[Brian uses a reef blower to blow away the opened Christmas wrappers as the episode ends]
[Kate gets ready to let her mom Dorothy go inside the house]
Mom! It's so good to see you! [closes the door] It's my mother!
Not your grandma, it's Lynn and Brian's grandma. [takes the stuff away from ALF]
What brings her out this way?
ALF! The kitchen! The kitchen! Now!
All right, Willie grab the pasta maker. [leaves]
[she and Brian come in the living room] Who's at the door?
They're making her stand outside.
[Kate opens the door to let her mom in after ALF goes inside the kitchen]
[Dorothy turns on the light and comes in the kitchen as ALF gets ready to meet with her]
Who are you? What are you?
A little background: My name is ALF. I come from the planet Melmac. I'm a member of a civilization millions of years ahead of your own. And now I live in a laundry basket next to the washing machine. Cup of java?
I know, I know. You're something Willie made. He's always making crazy things in the garage.
Take my word of it. I'm a space being, and since you've been here, I've had to live in the garage. Let me ask you something. Why are you so hard to get along with? Kate's easygoing. Is she adopted or something? Anyway, my advice would be, lighten up on her. Be nice. Oh yeah, another thing. STOP POKING ME! We'll talk again. When you're a little less touchy-feely. [snaps jaws as Dorothy leaves the kitchen]
[ALF is pounding nails on the sign in the door]
Say, why are you pounding nails in our front door?
To keep the sign from falling. Don't you know anything about gravity?
Thanks for offering, but the job's already done. [Willie takes the hammer away from ALF]
[she and Brian come to the living room] Morning. Morning, dad.
Have you practiced the poem?
But nothing. Let's hear it.
LBLynn and Brian
Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye. Goodbye, Grandma. Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.
Maybe another "goodbye" in there.
[comes out of the kitchen with a so long bag] What's this stuff in this bag?
I prepared a little flight kit. Nothing special, just a few travel necessities. I emphasize the word "travel."
[looks inside the bag] Magazines, Kleenex, breath mints, antacids, and moist towelettes.
If she stops for anything, she might miss her plane.
How very thoughtful of you.
And, of course, the bag will come in handy in case of turbulence. Or if they show Howard the duck.
[walks up to the Tanners] Guess what! I'm not leaving.
ALF, don't be rude. [pause] Why not, Dorothy?
I could just kill Estelle. She's decided to spend a few more days with her daughter. Now, where does that leave me and all my plans? Honestly, I hate doing this. But, well, I'm gonna have to stay here a little while longer.
You know, there's a nice motel down the street. [Dorothy and the Tanners stare at him] Just a thought.
[ALF puts a clothes pin on himself and screams]
[comes in] ALF, are you alright?
Oh, yeah, everything's fine.
Why? Why do you have those clothespins attached to your head?
It's a form of acupressure. On Melmac, we use it to relieve writer's block.
Still having trouble with the script thing?
[reads the script] Scene 1, interior, living root. Interior, living root.
It's a typo. I mean, give me a break. I've only got 8 fingers.
I'm sorry. Monica enters. She says, good morning. Well, what's wrong with that?
Willie, there's no one else in the room with her. I've got the woman talking to chairs. I'll never have this finished by tomorrow.
Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF.
Listen, you ought to try to relax, ALF. Relax? Sure, relax. I've got a deadline. I mean, I promised to put likability and warmth into these characters.
You know, I had a case of writer's block once. I was writing a term paper for my art history class. Or was it my comparative religion class?
What! Are you dictating your autobiography?
I can't go back in the house. There are two women in there. Who aren't speaking to each other, or to me, or to you. In fact, ALF, you've written us into this mess. Now you've got to write us out.
Alright. Alright. I will. Put on another pot of coffee. [as Willie leaves the garage, he puts another clothes pin on himself and screams again] And get some more clothespins.
[ALF is sitting on the sofa while Willie and Kate bring a box to the living room]
Watch out for that table.
I don't know how your mother's gonna get all this stuff in that little, little apartment.
Well, you've never seen the inside of her handbag.
Yes. But no heavier than other boxes you've watched us carry.
Would you mind licking this stamp?
Can't you lick that yourself?
Not with chocolate on my tongue.
Where did you get the chocolate?
It's the funniest thing. I found a whole box in the back of your closet.
I was going to give that to Kate for Valentine's Day.
Oh, Willie, that's sweet.
Whining is not going to bring it back!
Willie, it's, it's alright. Maybe he, uh, [opens box] he did! He forgot the second layer.
Right! I only licked those! [pause] Great. Now nobody can eat them.
If anybody wants me, I'll be in the whirling hot tub.
We don't have a whirling hot tub.
I know, I'm gonna improvise.
Yeah. All of it. [pause] But ALF, I don't want you joining anymore record clubs.
Fine, fine, fine. Oh hey, before I forget, I need you to write out a couple of checks: One to Greenpeace and one to the auto club.
You're a member of the auto club?
Well, I'm not writing anymore checks.
Well, fine, my checks just came. Oh darn, I ordered sunrise. They sent me sunset.
Fine. I wish these insurance companies would leave me alone. I'm already fully covered through the auto club. [leaves]
I just know he's gonna get hair in the drain.
He was wearing a shower cap.
Why was he carrying my mixer into the bathroom?
He said something about a whirling hot tub.
[gets hurt offscreen] Whoa!
ALF! [she and Lynn get up] Oh my gosh. [finds ALF walking to the living room] ALF? Are you alright?
ALF? There must be some mistake. I'm Wayne Shagele, Michigan Life and Company. [nods his head]
ALF is an insurance agent.
No! Dad, ALF took a bad fall in the hot tub and we think he lost his memory.
Oh no! But we don't have a hot tub.
Well, that's a good thing Willie, we don't cover hot tubs. It is Willie, isn't it?
I can't believe that you called the police!
What goes around, comes around.
What are we gonna do when the police come here?
Well, why don't you tell them that they're aliens, and then take their clothes?
Look, who took whose clothes? You don't know the mistake you just made!
Yeah? Well, you're the one who's making a mistake, tangling with a man from Michigan-
TThe Tanners
Life and Casualty.
Now the cops are gonna lock you up, and you'll get a taste what it's like to be a prisoner.
I already know what's like, thanks to you.
[after he returns back to normal] The last thing I remember, was this big flash of light. I smiled because I thought someone was taking my picture. And that's about it. Oh and that Chung Insurance is cheaper than whole life.
Well, it's a start. [the door knocks] Oh my gosh! It's the police!
Now what did you guys do? I swear, if it's not 1 thing with this family it's another. Hey, what am I doing in this cheap polyester suit?
Come on, ALF. You'd better go.
Fine if you all need me I'll be in the whirling hot tub. [leaves]
[Luis enters the Tanner's house and meets with the Tanner family]
Everybody, this is Luis Mancia. Luis, this is everybody. This is Kate, uh- This is Señorita Tanner, This is-
He saw your picture. Your school picture on my desk.
You know I hate that picture. I wish you wouldn't show it to people.
What's the matter with it?
I look like the village idiot.
Honey, you don't look anything like the village idiot.
People, people. Luis, this is Brian.
Luis, it's good to have you here.
Luis is going to stay here tonight.
Great, he can have my room, and I'll sleep in the laundry room with-
I think the couch will be fine. I think A-L-F can sleep in the garage.
Brian, why don't you show Luis Where he can wash up for dinner.
Okay. C'mon, Luis. [he leaves the living room with Luis]
Just a second. Easy shot! Ha! That's exactly why the martians are extinct.
What do they do? Crash in your garage, eat all your food, dig up your yard?
Yes, I am! Because I found my good hoe, in this condition! [holds up a pole with a bit of mangled scrap iron on one end]
Oh, yeah. Sorry. I was plowing up my garden and I hit a water main. Don't worry, it wasn't yours.
So, you're giving up gardening?
Not giving it up. Just switching crops.
Earthworms. [Willie leaves] Hey, I think I know that guy!
Just try it again. This time I'll get it.
Okay, tell me what I'm thinking.
Okay. You're thinking of the 1927 Yankees.
I'm still thinking of a fork.
But didn't one of their pitchers throw a fork ball?
Oh, we're okay. Don't get up.
Guess what, Alf can read our minds.
He's not reading mine at the moment.
Yes, I am. I'm just ignoring you.
How to develop your psychic awareness in one afternoon.
Yeah. Came with a pair of these x-ray glasses.
You wasted good money on a mind reading kit?
We'll make it all back with our stock market picks.
ALF. You come from an advanced civilisation. How can you be so gullible?
You're right. I'm ashamed. Nice underwear Kate.
Oh good, everyone's here. Where's Kate?
Thanks! [exits the living room]
He might! [Kate screams from the shower] He did.
[reappears in the living room] Found her!
ALF, you don't walk into other people's showers.
I didn't walk in. I just pulled the curtain open.
I insist that you respect my wife's privacy.
Alright, alright. We're movin' on. I need to have a family meeting here. [hangs up the phone that Lynn is using]
[angrily] You do that again, you're a seat cover!
ALF, that was very rude hanging up the phone like that.
You're right. I'm sorry. You look a little different today.
Did you used to have a moustache?
Yeah but didn't you used to have a moustache too?
ALF, what do have to say that's so important?
You better not be finished.
I wasn't. Tomorrow is the 2nd.
Hey wait, wait. Come here. Come back here. Every 75 years on March 2nd, I go through a complex physiological and psychological transformation.
I go goofy. All Melmacians go through it. From sunrise to sunset my personality will change dramatically.
How dramatic is this change?
One never knows till it happens. But expect the unexpected. Wildly erratic behavior, personality shifts. The main thing is that I'll do anything to get out of that cage and get my hands on a cat. Any questions?
Oh, ah, the cage you're going to build for me. The one with the reinforced sides.
