Jake the Dog quotes from Adventure Time

Jake

Maybe some soup would take the edge off.

Jake

Eww, gross!! NASTY!!! [runs off, back and thwacks it with fly swatter] Yahh!

Jake

I'm sorry you were born a fly and I had to kill you. You disgusting, disgusting creature.

[offscreen] Kyah! Kyah!

Jake

BEEMO, PLEASE!!!!

Jake

Prismo?! You're alive!

Prismo

Well, not yet. Finn, in a second, you gotta stop yourself from waking up Jake.

Finn

Stop my who?

Prismo

Shoot! Hide! [Jake camouflages behind Finn, with another Finn and Prismo coming closer]

Hey, are we gonna turn around somewhere? I feel like we're lost.

No, I was just stalling, don't think about it. Come on, this way! [they exit, and everything's clear]

Prismo

That who.

Prismo

But wait, Jake — that means one of your alternate reality incarnations will sleep for eternity to keep me alive.

Jake

Cool, dude!

Prismo

Okay, but Finn, I'm not sure what'll happen if you confront yourself. He might explode.

Finn

He me, or other me?

Prismo

Y'know what? Forget it.

Finn

Shut it, Prismo. Heroes risk everything for their friends. Although I admit you're more Jake's friend than mine. Sometimes you can think someone is totally cool but you never become besties. Now I don't know why that happens. But regardless, let's do this! [exits]

Prismo

Good luck!

Prismo

Whoa, Finn, Hey, are you gonna wake up Jake?

Yeah. Is that gonna kill you again, though?

Prismo

My past self is doing Plan B, right?

Finn

PLAN B!!

WHAT THE?! AAAAAA'AAAAAAAAHHH!!! [The other Finn explodes, transforming into a sword in the process, Finn grabs the sword]

Finn

This is me? This sword is me?

Prismo

Finn Sword, dude.

Finn

Welcome Back, Prismo.

Prismo

Thank you, Finn.

Jake

Welcome back, Prismo.

Prismo

Thank you, Jake.

Jake

Looks like our long-eared friend is on to something. Bunnies love to dig. He's making a supreme effort, and I think I can guess why. [the bunny digs up a carrot] That's right. A carrot, grown out here free and wild! Probably the result of a seed pooped out by a passing bird. [pan left to a rustling bush] But what's this? A mysterious rustling in the bush—could mean trouble. Mr. Bunny seems to think so. His sensitive whiskers quiver at the hint of imminent danger.

Jake

Unfortunately for Mr. Bunny, this is what nature is all about. [a horned four-legged mammal emerges out of the bushes] It's a male deer. Not a threat to Mr. Bunny in the predatory sense, but still above him in the food chain. Mr. Bunny, wishing to avoid an encounter, hops away to safety.

Jake

Wow, deers are jerks.

Finn

Hey, man. You know I can hear everything you say, right?

Jake

What?! Ouhh... Garghh... No!! I had no idea!

Finn

Yeah, but you saw me leave the walkie-talkie and I left it on. You know that, right?

Hi, Jake!

Jake

Hi, Beemo...

Finn

Need anything? A soda?

Jake

No.

Finn

..So what's Mr. Bunny doing now?

Jake

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE BUNNY!! The bunny is incidental to the brick experiment.

Finn

Oh. Sorry, man.

Jake

[grumbles] Forget about the bunny...

Finn

Sorry, man.

Sorry, Jake.

Finn

Look, we'll, uh... we'll leave you alone. [pushes in walkie-talkie antenna]

Jake

Finn? Are you still there? Finn? BMO?

You guys can chill here till morning when the demons thin out a little.

Finn

[acrobatic flips into living room] Whoo!!

Aw, Finn—oh no! Instant regret!

Finn

[jumping thru main corridor] Whoo!! My house! My house!

Instant regret! [runs to the kitchen and gasps seeing Finn swinging around the table]

Finn

Whoo!! Remember, Jermaine? We did this when we wanted to make room for dessert!

I don't care about that memory.

Finn

What? Whoa! [flown onto the wall, dropped down the floor] Dang, my back!

Come on! This ain't the treehouse, man! I got systems!

Jake

[enters with a greatsword (Buster Sword)] Hey, Jermaine, this thing is rad—WAOHH!! [slices table]

Okay! No more sleepover!

Finn

Oh no, d-don't kick us out!

Go do your Goucho Marx slapstick with them goofballs in the woods. I got a responsibility to all this booty in here. Staves, medallions, cups, goblets, dormant djinn, grimoires, hard drives — all this random valuable booty, okay?

Jake

Awesome, dude! We won!

I didn't win! When do I win?! Special Guys One and Two win every day! Crackin' jokes, readin' foodie mags in your treetown funhouse! Must be nice to be so special you can go off and find your own fancy ways! Meanwhile, I gotta stay here and watch Dad's trashy booty 'cause I never stretched into the sky and farted on the wings of a falcon, I guess!

Jake

Dude, I never farted on the wing of a falcon. Heh... [punched by Jermaine] Uhn!!

AARRHHHH!!!

Finn

Bros!!

Jake

Chill, Jermaine—OHF!!

Think I don’t want a cushy treehouse life?! [punches Jake thoroughly] I don't even get salt!! SAAAALT!!!

By the light of the waxing moon, which was just unveiled by the parting clouds, I command these two imps that have taken possession of my ears to transfer onto the head of the being who is directly across from me and is currently eating Chips and Ice Cream!

Chips chips?

Ice cream... [Morty Rogers's ears shrink down to normal]

Huh... It worked! I'm a free bear! [laughs hysterically; jumps out the window and runs off in the distance]

Jake

..Well, now I'm a guy with these things on my head. I guess I'm just gonna roll with the punches.

Finn

Uh... Don't worry, man. I'm gonna pretend they're not even there.

Chips!

Ice cream!

This is the greatest day of my liiiife!

Jake

[at swimming lockers] Look, I brought us two gold coins so we can have a locker each.

Finn

No way! [kicks Jake's locker, trapping his arm as he almost put his coin in the slot]

Jake

Oww!! What the heck?!!

Finn

Sorry! I was just trying to stop you putting the coin in before I showed you my magical item.

Jake

Well, I hope it's a healing item after you just crimped my wrist with a metal door!

Finn

No, look! [shows magic token] It's a magic token that can fit in any slot. Watch.

Finn

We've saved ourselves two gold coins on lockers.

Jake

Well, not really, 'cause the lockers give you the coins back, anyway.

Finn

Yeah, but this way only one of us has to carry a key.

Jake

Yeah, but if we lock my locker, then lock my key in your locker, we would only have to carry one key, but we'd still have a locker each.

Finn

Yeah, but could we just use the reward I earned for being so rave and rescuing a princess, please?

Jake

..Okay, fine.

Finn

Thanks very much.

Jake

Man, are you still Gunther? 'Cause you seem like you're not.

I'm Orgalorg.

Finn

Well, what the heck are you doing, Orgalorg?

It was just time to come out again. Glob KO'ing himself, the arrival of the Catalyst Comet, and a ship to carry me out of this planet's gravity. [projects three colored door shapes out of his eyes into a singular door shape] These are doorways the universe presented to me.

Jake

Oh, I know about open-door philosophy!

Finn

What's that? You just say yes to stuff all the time?

Jake

Pretty much.

Finn

That seems alright.

It's all yours if you're willing to take it. Destroy worlds, [folds into himself] crush anyone blocking the door, [unfolds out] feel their bones crumple and their goo spill out.

Finn

I don't like that at all.

Jake

He made it ugly!

You can't stop me, I'm Orgalorg.

Finn

I'm pretty sure I can take you, bro.

Not after I absorb the power and knowledge of that comet.

Finn

Absorb a triple salchow to your kneecaps!

King of Ooo

You two now comprise the royal guard of the one true princess of Ooo. [winks] That's me! As such, you may no longer own property or operate children, and must render all treasure and wives under your sworn princess within a hangman's fortnight.

Jake

Pfft! Joke's on you, man! We spent all our treasure the other day! Plus, we don't even have any wives.

Finn

Wait, what? What about Lady?

Jake

Lady's my girlfriend.

Finn

Wait, but... [thinks for a beat]

Jake

That was Tree Trunks.

Finn

Oh, yeah!

King of Ooo

We the inhabitants of Ooo owe you heroes our very lives. As the once powerful and dignified Princess Bubblegum sulked off into exile, it fell upon you two to save us from the impending comet of doom and/or from the hideous Orgalorg, who aimed to eat the powerful comet and grow invincible! And for that, we are eternally grateful.

Toronto

I know I am.

King of Ooo

But now your bravery is essential to a new heroic task. [beat] Can you guess what it is?

Finn

Uhh...

King of Ooo

C'mon, guess!

Finn

Umm... Fight a— fight a dragon?

King of Ooo

Wrong! Follow me!

Bubblegum

If the King of Ooo tries to come here again, you have my secret permission to stop him. No holds barred, Moosewood Stadium freestyle. So what're you two up to now?

Jake

Ehh, guardin' stuff, I guess.

Finn

Um... Hey, Bonnie? You always act like a loner, right? But next year your brother, you're the light of the party. Sorry, the light of the party.

Bubblegum

I mean, yeah! One of the first things I did after making sure Neddy was safe was to start making the Candy People. I was formed in the mother-gum. My mind and my gum were in touch with dozens of others, like a crowded womb. I guess I missed that.

Jake

But Neddy's from the same place you're from, and he's a wet hotdog around everyone!

Bubblegum

People get built different. We don't need to figure it out, we just need to respect it. Maybe he likes his company more than I like mine.

Finn

Well... do you miss the Candy People?

Hello. My name is Football.

Jake

Very nice to meet you, Football.

Finn

How'd you get the name Football, Football?

BMO gave it to me.

Jake

Is Beemo your little your little papa?

Finn

Uhh... so... where do you live, Football?

The mirror.

Jake

Oh, yeah? What's it like there?

Cold. Empty. It's... lonely.

Jake

You done it this time, Marceline! You sucked the life out of defenseless animals!

Marceline

I ain't done nothing!

Jake

You think I'm buyin' that, Boom Boom Mountain?!

Marceline

Oh, get some proof!

Jake

You want proof? Look! [punches the ceiling, debris falls on his head] Ouch! Proof how often I'm gonna go if you don't confess!

Finn

Yo, chill, Jake!

Jake

[scales down] I'm wailing out!! [Finn sits on Jake]

Finn

Listen, Marcy, I can barely control this guy. And the villagers are getting crazy! They want to run you over with a wagon, and I'm offering you a way out. [Peppermint Butler walks in]

Peppermint Butler

Hey, dalewaids, I just swept the place.

Jake

Sorry.

Marceline

Finn, be real for a second.

Finn

Alright.

Marceline

Look into my eyes, man! I didn't do it!

Finn

To be honest, it looks like you're not sure if you did it.

Marceline

Okay, I'm not sure! Something... weird happened last night. I had a weird dream about stuff.

Jake

Dream stuff always means somethin'!

Finn

We'll figure this out, Marcy, together. We promise.

Marceline

Thanks, Finn.

Peppermint Butler

That's cool, you guys, but clean this mess also, you bums.

Marceline

Bonnie, I don't get it. Jake's talking about vamps at the same time you fixed me, and there can't be any still around!

Bubblegum

Well, clearly something's creeping around.

Marceline

Okay, what about the paste you took out of me? That should be all that's left that's vampiric in the modern world.

Bubblegum

It's all over there, safely in the safety bucket. [all gone] What?! Pep But, what'd you do with the gunk?!

Peppermint Butler

Hold on, I'm working.

Jake

Okay, there was one that looked like if a baby snake was a baby-baby.

Jake

Nah, that's not right. There was another one that looked like if an ant hill were a girl.

Jake

Nah, that's not right. There's one of them that looked like a wet uncle.

Jake

Nah, that's not right. There was a lady who looked like black drapes on a cake pop.

Jake

Nah, that's not right. There was also one that looked like an angry stop sign coming out of a loaf of bread.

Jake

Nah, that's not—oh, actually, that one's pretty close.

Finn

You did a tremendous job guarding the cabin, Jake. But it looks like you need to be relieved.

Jake

Yeah, I need relief. PB still working on new vampire-busting gear?

Finn

Yeah, but she's almost done. No sign of Marceline, though. I think she ditched us to fight the vampires by herself—solo-style. We'll go look for her after PB's device is up and running. So, how did you pass the time?

Jake

Patted my laps and made some rhymes. Stoop, stoop, sittin' on the stoop. Stoop, stoop, sittin' on the stoop... [walks into cabin, Finn sees something]

Finn

Is that PB's outside clock? [sees grandfather clock punctured with holes] Looks like it's been staked. What did you do?

Jake

[turns around, groans] I heard a loud snap, and my vampire-hunting reflexes kicked in!

Finn

Dude, that was her Uncle Gumbald's outside clock.

Jake

[squeaks] She doesn't have to know I broke the clock. Let's blame it on the vampires! [stretches his arms] Or we can hide it! Whoop! [pushes clock into the forest] Problem solved?! Yeah?! [Finn hi-fives] Whoop! [runs into cabin; Finn pauses for a beat]

Snap.

Finn

Aahh!! What was that?! Vampiyah!! [continues throwing his stakes screaming. Pan up to see Ice King sitting on a high branch]

Ice King

Snap, snap, snapping branches for fun.

Bubblegum

Cut it out! That's not helping her!

Finn

But Mom and Dad always burped on us.

Jake

It's a cure-all!

Bubblegum

Sorry, guys, there are no cure-alls. Your parents were just burping on you for kicks.

Jake

Oh, yeah, that makes sense. [burps] Oh, sorry, last one.

Bubblegum

Auh! What did you eat, Jake?!

Jake

Hey, now! I pride myself in having nice-smelling burps. Just kidding.

Bubblegum

Pride, hmm. Do you guys know what "hubris" is?

Finn

It's like an old-timey deity who weighed your deeds on a scale.

Bubblegum

No, it means excessive pride or arrogance.

That's like you, PB.

Finn

Dude!

Bubblegum

No, it's true. I believed in myself so much that I was blind to the possible consequences.

Don't believe in yourself so much then, dum-dum!

Bubblegum

[crying] Now my best friend is dying of poison because of me.

Jake

That ain't true, PB! Marcy took a risk, and you helped her because you're her friend. Real friends take each other to the edge of death. 'Cause death is life! Right, Finn?

Finn

Shoot, yeah! I get poisoned all the time just doing the dishes.

Peppermint Butler

I get poisoned on purpose—for research. I have a poison lab back at the castle.

Bubblegum

Well, let's get our butts over there, then! Find the Moon, Finn. We'll work on an antidote. You guys take her back to the poison lab. Maybe we can extract her healing powers.

Finn

Word. [everyone runs off except LSP]

Hey, wait! What should I do? You guys? [pushes a stake out of her] Brrrrr... Hahahahaha!