Tracy Jordan quotes from 30 Rock

Tracy

Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like that HBO show, John Adams.

Tracy

Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.

Tracy

A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory.

Tracy

Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why: it's because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.

Tracy

This is bad, because I can't change. I'm like a chameleon, always a lizard!

Tracy

I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy's. The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor - generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo... they were very drunk.

Tracy

It’s all coming back to me. Oh my God! I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a rib cage – a rib cage! Why did you bring me here? I blocked all this stuff out for a reason! Oh, Lord, some guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!

Tracy

All my life I’ve tried to forget the things I’ve seen — a crackhead breastfeeding a rat, a homeless man licking a Hot Pocket off the third rail of the G train!

Tracy

I've seen a blind guy bite a police horse! A puppy committed suicide after he saw our bathroom! I once bit into a burrito and there was a child's shoe in it! I've seen a hooker eat a tire! A pack of wild dogs took over and successfully ran a Wendy’s. The sewer people stole my skateboard! The projects I lived in were named after Zachary Taylor - generally considered to be one of the worst presidents of all time! I once saw a baby give another baby a tattoo... they were very drunk.

Tracy

Remember when I offended stubborn people? That took forever to sort out.

Tracy

I feel like Oscar the Grouch today. And not just ‘cause I woke up in a garbage can this morning startling someone named Gordon.

Tracy

I finally understand the ending of The Sixth Sense. Those names are the people who worked on the movie!

Tracy

This is probably some Hollywood prank. Like on the set of Ocean's 12 when I put that snake in George Clooney's bed. I was not in the movie.

Tracy

Yeah yeah yeah, I like risky. See, me and you, we play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello great meeting, I drink coffee please. This show is our chance to break the shackles cause the white dudes want to see us fail.

Liz

What white dudes?

Tracy

All of 'em. Jack Donaghy. General Electric. George Bush. Karl Robe.

Liz

Karl Robe, you say?

Tracy

Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.

Liz

Sure.

Tracy

So, how you doing over there, Theo Huxtable.

I'm doing good.

Tracy

Nah-uh. Superman does good; you're doing well. You need to study your grammar, son.

Frank

[to Toofer] Wow, that was embarrassing for you.

Tracy

But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.

Kenneth

Oh, okay.

Tracy

So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.

Tracy

I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred, and I am Wayne Brady.

Liz

Nuh-uh. Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.