Liz Lemon quotes from 30 Rock

Liz

You don't know what you're talking about, these jeans are hand-made in USA.

Jack

You're mispronouncing that, they're Hānd made in Usa. The Hānd are a Vietnamese slave race and Usa is their island prison. Want to know how they get the stitching so small? Orphans.

Jack

Pete and I are having a little college night.

Liz

Oh yeah you want to see me shotgun this?

Jack

Oh God! She means the pizza!

Pete

She's unhinging her jaw!

Liz

Come on, my card only has a 1 in 52 chance of getting picked anyway.

Tracy

How did you know that? You're like Rain Man. Quick, how many toothpicks are on the ground?

Liz

Zero.

Tracy

We need to go to Vegas.

Jack

This isn't my first rodeo, Lemon.

Liz

Well, I've been to a rodeo too. It was a cat rodeo, in a gay guy's apartment.

Liz

You are disgusting! And I have absolutely no reason to apologise to him.

Tracy

And I have no reason to hug her other than my love of having boobs pressed against me.

You know what sucked about my last lesbian orgy? Right in the middle of it one of us had to get up to go use the bathroom and then we all had to go! [laughs]

Liz

Okay there's something that everyone here needs to see. Abby, you might want to sit down for this.

Yeah, come sit on my struikgewas

Liz

A chair! Come on, Sue. Abby, this is for your own good. Open Apple. Tough love time.

[internet video on laptop] Has anyone ever actually had a good time at brunch? You know-

Pete

Is that you?

I don't know where you found that, but I am taking it DOWN. [laughs] That's what she said!

Liz

Okay, first of all Steve Carell owns "that's what she said." He owns it. And second of all, it's time to stop hiding. A young person helped me online-post this on JoanOfSnark.com. [shows Abby site with article headline "Abby Flynn Before She Was Abby Flynn" and a video of Abby Grossman]

[in real voice] You stupid meddling bitch!

Liz

Yes! There's your real voice! There's Abby Grossman! To quote Eleanor Roosevelt, [in crazy old woman voice] "We are all-"

Do you understand what you've done? You have signed my death warrant.

Liz

How's that now?

My ex-husband is going to see this, he's going to find out where I am and he's going to try to run me over with his car again! I changed my appearance to get away from him!

Liz

Oh, cuz I thought it was like... pressure from society.

You're right Liz, I was hiding: From a man who went insane after being electrocuted while watching Sleeping With the Enemy.

Jenna

I was cut out of that.

Yeah, I was desperate for male attention because I feel safer having men around in case Troy comes back. That is why I slept with Lutz.

And I shall protect her.

Is there an Abby Flynn here?

That her, Troy! I'm on your side! Get her!

Pete

Jeez, Lutz, it's the UPS guy. [Lutz pees himself]

Liz

Okay I think we all owe Abby an apology.

Oh my God. It's from him. "I thought this box would be the perfect size for your head. P.S. I was electrocuted again while watching Seven". Great, I have six hours to start a new life. I'll have to be a redhead this time.

Liz

I don't know... your coloring. You know what, don't listen to me.

You must really hate women, Liz. Liz Lemon is a Judas to all women-kind! [Jenna gives Liz double thumbs up]

Liz

Okay. We were on page six, where Wonder Woman gets her period.

Jack

Just get him [Tracy] back in time for the show. I have a very full plate.

Liz

Really? Is it from that pie place?

Jack

And I'm tired of going to bat for you and your show.

Liz

Oh. Ok. Fine. But just to be clear....

Jack

There is no pie!

Liz

I've just had a hard couple of months. Work has been crazy, and I went through a bad break up, and then there was this plastic bag that represented my death.

Sounds like you can use a little R&R. Rum and Ritalin.

You don't use the tab closers on cereal boxes!

Liz

If you think those are doing anything to seal in freshness, you are living in a fantasy world, pal.

Ugh, I hate it when they put the movie poster on the cover of the book that the movie is based on.

Liz

Let me imagine what Peeta Mallark looks like, and how his arms smell of bread.

And you – you were the star of The Sound of Music.

Liz

Thank you. Not everyone thinks of the young Nazi boy as the star of that show.

Poke your eye, pull your hair, you forgot what clothes to wear!

Liz

The hell?!

You're not wearing yellow and blue on Leap Day.

Liz

So what? Leap Day is not a thing.

Kenneth

[singing] Leap Day William, Leap Day William, bursting from the sea; will he bring his bucket of sweets for mom and pop and me?

Liz

What the crap is going on in here?

Kenneth

Why, Leap Day William is visiting!

Liz

Leap Day William?

Kenneth

Miss Lemon, did you not grow up with Leap Day William? He lives in the Mariana Trench, he emerges every four years to trade children's tears for candy.

Liz

What? No. But White Haven was founded by the Amish, and we really only celebrated their holidays.

Liz

In college, I once went on a hunger strike to protest apartheid...

Tracy

Oh, you're the one who solved that? Thank you soooo much!

Jack

The UN is useless, the State Department is full of Democrats, and as it turns out Amnesty International is nothing but a company that makes and sells candles...

Liz

That explains all the vigils!

Hazel

When I confronted him about it he was so condescending! He laughed at me, then he undressed me with his eyes. Then he had his way with me... with his eyes.

Liz

Ugh, the male gaze.

Hazel

Yeah, they're all a bunch of gays.