Liz Lemon quotes from 30 Rock

Jenna

Future husband? Who did you put in your address book as "Future Husband"?

Liz

I have absolutely no idea.

Jenna

Well, whenever I find something weird in my cell phone, I can usually trace it back to last time I was drunk.

Liz

Oh my God, the dentist's office!

Jenna

Your dentist gets drunk with you, too?

Wesley

So does this mean you've come to your senses? Are you ready to settle, and become Mrs. Snipes?

Liz

No. I wanted to tell you to your face that I know that I can do better than you. And I'm never going to be Mrs. Snipes. [beat] Hang on, is your name Wesley Snipes? That is insane.

Wesley

[annoyed] It's insane that the actor Wesley Snipes has that name! Look. If you saw a picture of him, and a picture of me, and you were asked "Who should be named *Wesley* *Snipes*?" You'd pick the stuffy Englishman every time! Every time, Liz!

Jack

Lemon, the grown-up dating world is like your haircut. Sometimes, awkward triangles occur.

Liz

I feel like you've been saving that one.

Tracy

Parties are like frisbees. If you throw them the wrong way, they'll veer off in a bad direction, and then your kid will fall into a quarry.

Liz

What?

Tracy

Don't throw a party for vengence. It will turn on you... like your wife, after your kid has fallen into a quarry.

Kenneth

Badger, it's another Badger, the third Badger has taken the bait.

Liz Lemon

Why is everyone codenamed Badger?

Kenneth

I thought you said you wanted to do it this way.

Liz Lemon

No, I said I didn't care.

I'm sorry if I upset you. Would you like to yell at the moon with Buzz Aldrin?

Liz Lemon

Yes, please.

I own you!

Liz Lemon

You dumb moon!

I walked on your face!

Liz Lemon

Don't you know it's day? Idiot!

Jack

The world is made by those who control their own destiny. It isn't made by those who don't do, it's made by those who do do. Which is what made me the man I am, I do do.

Liz

Yeah, you do.

Jack

Grow up, Lemon.

Wesley

Fine, it's your loss. There's only one Wesley Snipes in the world.

Liz

You know there isn't!

Wesley

Ugh!

Liz

I am a grown woman! I have been doing things my way for a long time. I don't like my "life stuff" mixing with my "dude stuff."

Jack

A middle-aged woman saying "dude stuff," is that on my sadness scavenger hunt? Why yes it is!

Jack

Does it seem weird to you? Everything looks like a Mexican soap opera. Good God, I can see every line and pore on your face.

Liz

Yeah, well my face cream was recalled. Apparently it was killing the lab rats'...Ugh what was it?... brains!

Liz

Wow, you were very fit back then.

Jack

Yes, but my penis was smaller.

Jack

You have more sexual hangups than an adult chat line run by Gilbert Gottfried?

Liz

What?

Jack

That was written by a computer program we're working on to replace you.

Hey, Liz. It's your father, Dick Lemon.

Liz

Dad, you don't have to say your name every time.

Telephone etiquette is important, Liz. It lets people know your race even when they can't see you.

Liz

Sometimes you have to do the right thing even when the wrong thing would be a whole lot easier, die Werewolf Zombie, die.

Liz

What's going on today? Has everyone lost their moral compass?

Jack

You're being awfully high and mighty for someone who once claimed her husband drowned so she could get out of a gym contract.

Liz

Well, you were right about Brooklyn Without Limits: crunchy on the outside, right wing nutjob on the inside.

Jack

Like Ann Coulter's underwear.