Liz Lemon quotes from 30 Rock

Jack

Lemon, today's the first day of the rest of your life and what is the first thing you need to do?

Liz

I have to break up with Dennis.

Jack

And why is that?

Liz

Because he wears shirts with the Looney Tunes embroidered on them. Because he cuts his own hair. Because that one little nice thing that he does doesn't make up for the fact that I don't want to be seen with him in public.

Liz

Why are you wearing a tux?

Jack

It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

Excuse me, is this seat taken?

Liz

[sighs] Really, dude? I got to move my coat? There are like four empty seats over there - can't you just be cool?

Jenna

That guy wanted to buy you a drink!

Liz

Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Liz

What's going on, business got ya down?

Jack

Business doesn't get me down, business gets me off.

Jack

Where are you going? You have rehearsal about to start

Liz

I stole a baby Jack! I’m taking a half day.

Jack

Fair enough.

Liz

I have to do some thinking. Maybe it’s impossible to have it all. Career, the family… [gets on elevator] But if anyone can figure out how to do it, it’s me.

Jack

That’s going up.

Liz

Ohh nerds!

Liz

You've already made up your mind about this, haven't you?

Jenna

Oh, you're right, Liz! I should go for it!

Liz

You're not even listening, are you? Poop. Monkey butt.

Jenna

No, you're a good friend and thank you.

Jack

Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.

Liz

I'm twelve years younger than you.

Jack

A woman your age then.

Jack

I had lunch with Martha Stewart and "dinner" with her daughter Alexis.

Liz

Gross.

I work up in Legal, and —

Liz

[interrupting] You're a lawyer?

I prefer... Law Stylist

Jack

I've asked Tracy to join me at G.E. Golf tournament in Connecticut.

Liz

Was Courtney Love not available?

Liz

It rhymes with your favorite Todd Rundgren album.

Frank

It rhymes with Hermit of Mink Hollow?

Liz

Oh...Look at theeese guuuys

They like you. They're very good as sensing debilitating loneliness in a person. Do you wanna adopt one?

Liz

I can't. I'm allergic to anything warm and adorable.

Liz

I truly don't like you as a person. [inspirational music starts playing] Can't one human being not like another human being? Can't we all just not get along?

Liz, I wish it could be like that... and maybe someday our children or our children's children will hate each other like that, but it just doesn't work that way today.

Liz

So what you're saying is that any woman that doesn't like you is a racist.

No, no, no, no, no. [music stops] Some women are gay.

Tracy

So what's your religion, Liz Lemon?

Liz

I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

Jack

You've been avoiding me, Lemon.

Liz

How do you do that without turning around?

Jack

To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.