Liz Lemon quotes from 30 Rock

Liz

See, this is exactly the kind of thing that happens when there's no order, no planning. Hitler and Martha Stewart would've hated that wedding.

Liz

For instance, Jack taught me not to wear tan slacks with a tan turtleneck. I thought it looked nice, but he, rightly, pointed out that it made me look like a giant condom.

Liz

Doesn't matter how long you've lived in New York, it's still fun to look up and pretend all the buildings are giant severed robot penises.

Liz

If I can't poop in the street, why should my tax dollars pay for someone else to?

Liz

My fanny pack is in my office in my mini-fridge. I like my tampons to be cold.

Liz

‘Cause living a lie will eat you up inside. Like that parasite I got from eating sushi on Amtrak.

Liz

Do not write another sketch with Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. No one knows who Krang is. It would be a waste of time to talk about Krang on television.

Tracy

Yeah yeah yeah, I like risky. See, me and you, we play the game. We know how to be acceptable. Hello great meeting, I drink coffee please. This show is our chance to break the shackles cause the white dudes want to see us fail.

Liz

What white dudes?

Tracy

All of 'em. Jack Donaghy. General Electric. George Bush. Karl Robe.

Liz

Karl Robe, you say?

Tracy

Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets. That's a metaphor.

Liz

Sure.

Liz

How you doin'?

Jenna

There is no way that I am working with that guy. Do you know that he once got arrested for walking naked through LaGuardia?

Liz

Yeah.

Jenna

And that he once fell asleep on Ted Danson's roof?

Liz

Yeah, Tracy has mental health issues.

Jenna

He bit Dakota Fanning on the face.

Liz

When you hear his version, she was kinda askin' for it.

Liz

Kenneth, why did you bet that terrible hand?

Kenneth

Why? Because I believe life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling and I got confused about the rules.

Liz

[about Kenneth] Well, it was nice of you to let him keep his job.

Jack

The Italians have a saying, Lemon. "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct. In five years we'll all either be working for him... [Kenneth happily bikes away] or be dead by his hand.

Pete

So, first you thought he was illiterate and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you are racist.

Liz

No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.

Dennis

Hi. Dennis Duffy, Beeper King.

Jack

The Beeper King, really?

Liz

Dennis has his own business. Yes, he's an entrepreneur. He's very successful.

Dennis

You've probably seen my ads on the seven train, right?

Jack

I didn't know they served chicken nuggets at this restaurant.

Liz

It's cod, it's uh, they made it special. Dennis has some dietary restrictions.

Dennis

Actually, I'm allergic to all fish unless it's fried, you know.

Jack

That's a sharp tie you've got there, Dennis.

Dennis

That douchebag up front made me wear it.

Jack

Does he know you're the Beeper King?

Dennis

I don't think so.

Liz

Anyway, thanks for the hook-up. This is clearly the nicest restaurant we've ever been to.

Dennis

Hold on a second, this place ain't that nice, alright. It's got rats and roaches like every other restaurant.

Liz

No rat talk tonight, okay.

Dennis

[to Jack] You know there are 17 rats per person in Manhattan. You eat a pound of rat crap every year without even knowing it, huh?

Jack

I think I read about that in The New Yorker. [pause] Um, anyway, we'll leave you two to your meal. I hope you enjoy the choices that you've made.

Tracy

I need to protect my reputation. You take away my street cred, and I am Wayne Brady.

Liz

Nuh-uh. Wayne Brady has three Emmys. You have a People's Choice Award that you stole from Wayne Brady.

Liz

This is going to be a bad show.

Pete

Worse than that time we let Tracy do that tribute to August Wilson.

Liz

No, that was my fault. I should have made sure he knew who August Wilson was(closed captioning on Hulu has the line down as "Worse than that time we did that Gilbert and Sullivan parody")

Pete

Maybe we'll be pre-empted by some national news event. How's Gerald Ford's health?(closed captioning on Hulu has the line down as "Maybe we'll be pre-empted by some national news event. It's still hurricane season, right?")