Liz Lemon quotes from 30 Rock

You know how John Lennon was better than all the rest of the Beatles but he never realized it until he met Yoko? Well I'm gonna be Jack's Yoko!

Liz

You want to be Yoko?!

[referring to Phoebe] All right, scout's honor, what do you think of her?

Liz

She's very well-read... and she's very stylish, don't you think? And you know the most important thing is she makes Jack very happy. She's like a... white geisha.

Jack

You've got to get back to work and come up with something with or without Tracy, or we are gonna be screwed.

Liz

Okay.

Jack

Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say "Sock It To Me."

Jack

All of my summer replacement shows were big hits - America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than A Dog, MILF Island.

Liz

MILF Island?

Jack

25 super hot moms, 50 eighth grade boys, no rules.

Liz

Oh yeah, didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?

Jack

That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring MILF.

Liz

I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.

Jack

Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

Still talking?

Liz

Oh. No, no no no. I haven't talked to him since... Whew... I dunno... August 9th, four seventeen PM...

Mhmm. It's not over.

Liz

Oh no. It's over! I'm over it.

No. It's not over until you pick up the phone. You say "I don't love you anymore," they say "I don't love you anymore either." You go "great, I'll pick you up in twenty. Let's grab a scone."

Liz

A scone! Yes! I want that! I'm gonna call him!

Liz

Hello, Jerry.

Well, well, well. So you called that boyfriend.

Liz

Yes, I did.

And it went well?

Liz

No. It didn't, Jer. A woman answered.

Another woman already? What did you say to her?

Liz

I did a fake survey.

You did the fake survey?!

Liz

I know! I'm not over it! [gestures to her wedding dress] And now I'm wearing this! What is the deal with my life?!

Are you imitating me?

Liz

No! This is what I sound like when I cry!

I think I'm a little insulted.

Liz

You're insulted? I'm crying!

Jack

Lemon, I'm impressed. You're beginning to think like a businessman.

Liz

A businesswoman.

Jack

I don't think that's a word.

Jack

So what are you gonna do with your money? Put it into a 401(k)?

Liz

Yeah, I gotta get one of those.

Jack

What?! Where do you invest your money, Lemon?

Liz

I've got like twelve grand in checking.

Jack

Are you an immigrant?

Liz

You're honestly telling me you don't know who Rosemary Howard is?

Pete

Is she one of the ladies who tried to shoot Gerald Ford?

Liz

I'm 37, please don't make me go to Brooklyn.

I'm 20.

Liz

Oh, boy. This just went from a senior dating a freshman to Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau.

Are those friends of yours, or ...?

Jack

The stutter got so bad I was taken out of my grade and put in the special class, held in the boiler room. My only other classmate was named Gilly. He'd fallen though the ice as a child and was technically dead for 57 minutes. They taught us to sweep sawdust so we could find work at a mill. Of course I overcame the stutter in three languages. On to Princeton, Harvard, the top of the business world. I thought I blocked this out, but a thing like this brings back emotions.

Liz

I'm so sorry.

Jack

I feel like I'm back in that boiler room, making little piles of sawdust while Gilly plays with himself in the corner...

Liz

This show is the worst. Didn't one of those MILFs die during production?

She had too much champagne and a monkey knocked her into some quicksand - it could happen anywhere!

Liz

No, we don't have a crazy..thing

Dennis

Yeah we do! We're like Ross and Rachel, but just not gay...

Liz

WHERE'S MY SANDWICH?!?!

Tracy

Lutz made us do it.

No, it was Frank.

Kenneth

THAT'S IT! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon. Because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Tracy

Please ask my permission before you quote me, Kenneth!

Liz

I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad, you'll have a chin. YOU'LL ALL HAVE CHINS!