Jack Donaghy quotes from 30 Rock

Jack

Lemon, today's the first day of the rest of your life and what is the first thing you need to do?

Liz

I have to break up with Dennis.

Jack

And why is that?

Liz

Because he wears shirts with the Looney Tunes embroidered on them. Because he cuts his own hair. Because that one little nice thing that he does doesn't make up for the fact that I don't want to be seen with him in public.

Jack

Conan, Tracy's really excited to be back on your show.

I don't know. He's kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don't try to stab me.

Jack

Well, Tracy's feeling a lot better now. He's under a doctor's care.

That's what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.

Jack

Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.

What's the hard way?

Jack

You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.

Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight, you Black Irish bastard.

Jack

Back at you, Red.

Liz

Why are you wearing a tux?

Jack

It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

Liz

What's going on, business got ya down?

Jack

Business doesn't get me down, business gets me off.

Jack

Where are you going? You have rehearsal about to start

Liz

I stole a baby Jack! I’m taking a half day.

Jack

Fair enough.

Liz

I have to do some thinking. Maybe it’s impossible to have it all. Career, the family… [gets on elevator] But if anyone can figure out how to do it, it’s me.

Jack

That’s going up.

Liz

Ohh nerds!

Tracy

So GE will produce the Tracy Jordan Meat Machine?

Jack

Oh no, no. GE could never make something so... unique. We'll have to pass this off to one of our subsidiaries. [Jack rolls down a complex organizational chart] You see, GE owns KitchenAll of Colorado, which in turn owns JMI of Stamford which is a majority shareholder of Pokerfastlane.com which recently acquired the Sheinhardt Wig Company which owns NBC outright. NBC owns Winnipeg Iron Works which owns the AHP Chanagi Party Meats company of Pyongyang, North Korea, and they will make the Meat Machine.

Tracy

I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?

Jack

I've got two ears and a heart, don't I?

Jack

I wanted to talk to you about our corporate "Bottoms-Up Day." Once a year all the senior V.P.s spend one day doing the job of one of our lowest level employees. This year I'll be a page for a day and you'll be my boss.

Kenneth

Thank you, sir!

Jack

That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom, Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

Oh, no! Dude, is this spinach?

Jack

Yes. You asked for [pulls out a sheet of paper] one spinach salad.

Actually, I wanted the stuff that comes on the spinach salad, but I wanted it with romaine.

Jack

Should I take it back?

I'm supposed to treat you like Kenneth, right?

Jack

That is correct.

[angrily] Well then yeah, genius, get me a new salad. Or, get me a time machine so I can go back and smack your mom for smoking crack while she was pregnant! [to Kenneth, who is standing in the doorway] Too much?

Kenneth

No, that's usually how it goes.

Jack

Lemon, I want to thank you. For showing me that I could have a pleasant evening with a woman my age.

Liz

I'm twelve years younger than you.

Jack

A woman your age then.

Jack

I had lunch with Martha Stewart and "dinner" with her daughter Alexis.

Liz

Gross.

Jack

I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.

Fine.

Jack

I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.

Fine.

Jack

I want all of our love letters.

[laughing] Fine.

Jack

I want all of your parents' love letters.

Fine.

Jack

I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.

Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar.

Jack

I've asked Tracy to join me at G.E. Golf tournament in Connecticut.

Liz

Was Courtney Love not available?

Kenneth

So Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?

Jack

I heard you were talking to my colleague Devon Banks. Did he tell you why he was in New York?

Kenneth

No sir, we just talked about Anderson Cooper mostly.

Jack

You should get to know Devon, tell him all of your television ideas. You know he started off as a page just like you.

Kenneth

Really? So did I!

Jack

You say the right things, ask him the right questions, I'm sure he could open some doors for you.

Kenneth

Ok. What kinds of questions?

Jack

I'll write them down for you. You call him and tell him you have two tickets for A Chorus Line for tonight. Now Kenneth, have you ever used bronzer?

Jack

Devon, what can I do for you?

Devon

I think we're way past that Jack. Let's be honest with each other. I'll go first. I'm gay and I want your job.

Jack

Devon, I'm straighter than you are gay, and I leave particles of guys like you in my wind. I'm not afraid of you.

Devon

Yeah? Well you should be.

Jack

Let's just see how it all shakes out in the meeting.

Devon

Yeah, let's... Oh, by the way, little slim-waisted birdie in a page jacket told me you got nothing! You're going down.

Jack

No, Devon. I don't do that.