You Can't Do That on Television quotes

You know, Christine, I was thinking...

That's odd.

Christine, say you're hobby is swimming. Well, what kind of substance would you be moving through?

Oh no you don't!

Oh, come on! That's not fair! I didn't even say that substance at all!

Yes, you did, Moosie. You see, we have a new stagehand, and he's French, and "eau" is the French word for wa--

Hey, Christine, we've been talking an awful lot about hobbies. You collect anything?

Oh, yeah, sure, Ross. I collect stamps. Say, do you want to see my stamp collection?

See your stamp collection? Sure.

That's the stamp that Lisa gave me when I told her she had a really big mouth. [She stamps on Ross' foot again.] And that's the stamp Vanessa gave me when I told her there would be no extreme close-ups of her on this week's show...

Since this show is about hobbies, I thought this would be a good time to mention that a lot of kids, whose hobby happens to be cooking, have written in asking for the recipe for green slime. For some strange reason. Well, there's sort of a problem because I don't know the recipe for green slime--

You know, they're getting sneakier and I'm getting dumber all the time.

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This episode of You Can't Do That On Television is now history. Thank goodness.

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Yes?

Oh well, hi, we're on a spare body parts run, and we wonder whether you have anything to donate.

Well, yes I do. (Grabs Lance by his shoulders) A complete set. (Lance complains she Valerie shuts the door)

Doctor, you've got to help me.

What seems to be the problem, Lisa?

I'm different from everybody else.

You can say that again.

I'm different from everybody else. You see, I've got parts that other people don't have and they've got parts that I don't have.

When did you first notice this?

After gym class, when I was changing.

Well, this'll very easy to fix. I'm gonna write a prescription.

For medicine?

No, it's for your English teacher to teach you how to read. You've been going into the boys' locker room. Oh, that's fifty dollars, please.

Karen, what do you look for in a guy?

What?

Well, what do you think is the most important part of a guy? Is it his hair, or his hair, or his muscles, or--

Oh, no, it's none of those things, it's what he keeps in his pants.

KAREN!

Yeah, his wallet.

Christine, I just came back from the doctor's and he tells me I have the body of a 17-year-old.

Well, give it back, Ross. You're getting it all wrinkled.

"Miss Piggy Sold To A Sausage Factory" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following program we've managed to buy.

Hey Angie, did you know I can speak a foreign language?

Really? I didn't know that, let me hear you.

"Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having."

"Hi? How are you? Nice weather we're having"? That's not a foreign language!

Yes it is, it's English.

Well, I know it's English.

Well, England is a foreign country.

Oh Eugene, look! They put up the name of the foster child the school adopted.

Oh yeah, he's from the Philippines.

Yeah. Do they ever have weird names there. Look at this... "AI DO KNO".

Don't you know anything about the Philippines? The A is silent, The O is pronounced O and the K is silent. His name is "I don't know".

You're new on this show, aren't you Eugene?

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