[in the car]
[driving] So, Cat, is there some reason your brother replaced his seat belt with a rope?
CatNo. He just loves rope.
[looks at Tori and Cat's science project] What is that thing anyway?
Oh, this is Cat's and my science project.
Cat
It's a robot with hamster power.
See, Mr. Hamster runs on this wheel and that creates electromagnetic electricity which flows through this transformer and powers... [in a robot voice] ...The robot.
Cat
Isn't it cool?
I don't know. All I heard was "hamster, hamster, science, science, Tori's boring, kill me".
(holding a muffin) You want a muffin?
Sure. (takes the muffin and eats it)
Cat
You brought muffins?
Oh, no. I found it under the seat. [in response, Jade spits out the muffin and throws it in the road] Not so boring now, am I?
All right, Vega! I'm gonna pull over–
Cat
Be quiet! I'm not gonna sit here and listen to the two of you fight for the next 2 hours!
She's the one… FOR 2 HOURS!?!
I thought we were just driving some dead actress' house and lighting a candle.
Cat
We are! Her house is in San Diego!
[suddenly stops the car with a screeching sound] SAN DIEGO?
Cat, we gotta finish our science project before morning!
Cat
But–
No! I'm not driving this rolling chiz block to San Diego and back!
[Cat starts to cry]
JUST DRIVE THE CHILD TO SAN DIEGO!!!
All right! [drives and Cat stops crying]
Why did you think that she was dead?!
Cat
I read it online! It said "Mona Patterson joins the dead!"
MPMona Patterson
That's a new TV show, you dip. It's a story about me being cast in a show called The Dead. I play David Schwimmer's wife.
Cat
Well...nice to meet you, I'm Cat.
MMona
Good. I have something nice... for cats. [goes inside her house then comes back outside with a water gun]
Whoa! Now just wait a second. [Mona is in aiming position] This girl made us drive two hours through the rain in a topless convertible just because she loves you, and your work. So, would it kill you to just be a little nice, and maybe– [they get blasted with water. Cat and Jade quickly run away but Tori stays] AHHHHH!! CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE ALREADY WET?!
PPatterson
Get off my property! [Tori screams and then runs off]
(later, as Tori and Cat stay at Tori's house while their hamster project is working)
Cat
Run, Fat Santa!
Yeah, baby! Whoo! (David comes to them)
Hey, girls. Uh. What was the name of that actress whose house you went to tonight?
Cat
Why?
She's on the news. Channel Six. (David leaves. Then, Tori sits and turns on the TV.)
NRNews Reporter
But by the time firefighters arrived on the scene, Mrs. Patterson's house was already engulfed in flames and could not be saved.
Cat
My candle.
No, we don't know for sure. [the news report shows some firefighters extinguishing the fire from the house] Lots of things could start a fire.
NRNews Reporter
The cause of the fire? [shows Cat's candle] This cinnamon bun-scented candle. [both girls gasp in shock] Mrs. Patterson is now resting uncomfortably in St. Billy's Hospital. As for who left the burning candle at the door, police officials say the only clue comes from Mrs. Patterson herself, who dazed and confused from smoke inhalation, was muttering something about a "cat", apparently, with red fur. [Cat holds her head and gasps in horror] Of course, we'll have much more of this story– [Tori changes the channel to a cooking show]
Cat
[nervously] Tori?
[the episode ends]
(entering the classroom) GOOD MORNING, LE OLD NUTENTS! (laughs in a Western style accent, then puts his coconut on the windowsill) Alright. Now, it's time for...bad news.
They found out coconut juice makes your hair falls out?
(laughs) NO. We're going to do an acting exercise about giving bad news.
Sikowitz (imitating Jade, sarcastically) Why? To teach you that acting often involves choices in how to say things. For example, how do you give someone bad news and make it seem not so bad?
Cat
By telling them in a language they don't understand.
So, the lowest level of the globe theater was reserved for "the groundlings" who were the lower class people who came out to enjoy...
(comes into Sikowitz's class) YOU GUYS! I'M SORRY I'M LATE, BUT MY MOM... SLAMMED MY HEAD IN THE CAR DOOR! (holds a round case with a red top on her hand, and breaks down crying. After a few seconds of silence, she stands on her knees and holds her hands out) April Fools! (laughs and stands up) Yeah!
What are you, five years old?
But... today's April Fools' Day!
April Fools' Day is kind of for, you know, little kids...
That's how we all feel. (he holds his hands out, and Beck and Robbie slap them in agreement)
But... this school is full of creative people! I-I thought for sure April Fools' Day would be a big deal here.
Cat
(stands up and yells) WELL, IT'S NOT! OKAY, TORI?! SO, JUST SHUT YOUR FACE AND LET MR. BELDING TEACH!
BMr. Belding
Thank you, Zack. (Cat sits back down angrily) Now, as Screech was saying, a world without pants is like a donut.
Oh, come on! No one here is into April Fools? (Mr. Belding tackles her to the floor and takes her purse) WHOA! Okay. Uh... (Mr. Belding runs out of the room)
Cat
Wait. Did you just say you wanted a face full of trumpet?
What do you mean, "face full of..."? --AAAAH!! (Cat blows a trumpet in her face, and she falls to the floor. Drake Bell quickly comes in and gets her back on her chair. He then notices the audience and immediately flees the room)
Wait, was that the (guy, Drake) Bell? (the bell rings) Oh, there's the bell. (holds his hands out and explodes. Tori gasps, as parts of his clothes and coconut fall to the floor)
Cat
Hey, girlie!
What? (Cat blows the trumpet in her face again and she falls to the floor. Cat then laughs)
And your question is... Dumb Debbie was so dumb.
CBCat, Beck, André, Robbie, Jade and Trina
HOW DUMB WAS SHE?
She was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.
(Later, after the others have filled in their answers)
Okay, Tori. Dumb Debbie was so dumb. She didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...
Day. Mm-hmm. Day. Well, let's see if you match anybody. (clears throat) André!
Roses are red, storm clouds are gray. Debbie's so dumb, she didn't realize it was April Fools... (takes his card and turns it over) Lobster. (a buzzer rings, and a lobster comes out near the entrance and charges towards Tori)
That's the lobster! AAH! (the lobster pushes her to the ground, rubs her butt and slaps her back before running off)
All right now, get up! (she does) Jade, what's your answer?
Well I figured she was so dumb... she thought April 1st was April Fools... (turns her card over) Berry! (buzzer rings again) That's a thing! Right, April Fools Berry? That's a thing!
Oh, you're a thing. A foul beast of a thing! (everyone else laughs as the lobster comes back)
No no no. No no no, it is not my fault that she said berry! (the lobster places her on the floor as she flails. He then slaps her butt again and runs off)
Alright, upsie daisy! (Tori gets back up) Robbie.
Yes yes, what is it Sikowitz?
Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools...
(turns his card over) Foot. (buzzer, the crowd boos) Oh, shut up, you people. I WAS ON BROADWAY!
Cat
Wait, the lobster forgot to push Tori down!
Cat, why would you remind him?! (the lobster charges at Tori) Okay, n-n-no. See, see, I was-- (the lobster grabs Tori and places her to the ground as she flails. He then flexes and runs off)
Will you GET UP?! (she does) Cat! Dumb Debbie was so dumb, she didn't realize that April 1st was April Fools... blank.
Cat
I said... (turns her card over) 'Blank!' (buzzer)
Cat
(laughs) I love President Ford!
We're not gonna bring the lobster out for that one. (Tori pats him on the back) Uh, Beck!
(in garbled accent) Well, I'm sorry, Doc and I was starving, so I said... (turns his card over) Onion rings. (buzzer, the lobster comes through the entrance)
No. I know. (faints. The lobster then leaves)
(laughs) Okay! One last chance. Your sister. Trina.
Well, I said... (reveals her card) '...Cut to the next scene!'. (scene cuts to the Vegas' house where Tori waves her arms weirdly)
Oh, your stupid card brought us to this scene! You cost me $5,000!
But I want an Oompa Loompa now!
You can't HAVE an Oompa Loompa--
EEveryone
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
There's no football game.
EEveryone
WHERE'S THE BEEF!?
Okay, kids won't get that reference. And... it's April Fools Day!
Cat
So Robbie drove you to school this morning?
Yes, but never again! I've gotta find someone else to drive me.
Cat
Well, I bet my brother would drive you. If you don't mind screaming.
Wait, you guys scream at each other?
Cat
No, sometimes he just screams. Like at trees. (pause) And busses.
Thanks, but I'll find someone else.
Cat
Why don't you just get a license like a normal teenage girl? (Tori gives her the death glare) Bag o' rags?
Cat
Have a ragarific day!
(Tori is dressed in one of her outrageous outfits)
Cat
Whoa, Tori. (unconvincingly) Cool outfit.
Thanks! Whatcha got there?
Cat
It's my sack of Bibble! It's really heavy, so I put it in a wagon.
And you needed to bring all of it to school?
Cat
I can't help it! (pause) It's so good.
I can't believe Mason bought you this much!
Cat
That's not even the sack he bought me.
Cat
I finished that one. I went back and bought two more sacks! (pause) I think I may have a Bibble problem.
Well, it is pretty good stuff -
Cat
Don't touch it!!! (she drags away the wagon) My bibble.
Victorious · 532 quotes
