David quotes from Victorious

David

(to Holly who is outside) Honey, get back in the car!

Tori

Oh, hi! You must be Andre's grandmother?

I don't know you! (hides)

Lane

(walks down the aisle) Excuse me, you're Trina's parents?

David

Yes.

Why?

Lane

Please come with me.

Just - just keep your mouth open!

Trina

(muffled) That is so not helping!

Lane

Here she is.

Trina!

David

What happened?!

Trina

Look at my tounge It's massive!

Tori

Oh, my god, it's huge!

Trina

Somebody do something!

Are you the school nurse?

Yeah. Does anybody know how this happened?

Tori

The chinese herb gargle!

Trina

(about Mark) HE is ridiculously hot. Everybody says he's an awesome kisser.

David

Make sure he knows...(into the phone, to Mark) I'm a cop.

Holly

Who laughs at Terms of Endearment?

David

It's not a comedy. (the doorbell rings. David opens the door. It was Cat and Jason)

Cat

(waving) Hi, Tori's dad!

David

Hi.

Cat

This is Jason.

David

And?

Cat

Robbie texted me and said you guys are watching a funny movie!

David

(turns to Robbie) It's not a comedy!

Robbie

Hey, you guys! Come on in. (Cat and Jason enter the house)

Cat

Oh, popcorn!!! (Cat eats popcorn and sits along with Jason. Cat starts to laugh) Is that Debra Winger?

Robbie

Yeah. She's hilarious!

Holly

She's DYING!

David

(annoyingly) HOW is that funny?!

Andre

Does she ever quit crying?

Jade

Ah, she'll be dead in minutes. (Both David and Holly get irritated and walk upstairs. Then, Robbie, Cat, Jason, Andre and Jade continue to laugh out loud)

Trina

I'm never playing mini golf with you guys again!

Holly

Promise?!

Tori

What happened?

Holly

Trina missed a putt, so she got upset and threw a golf club at her father!

Trina

NO, I threw the golf club and Dad just stood there and let it hit him!

David

(comes in with a bruised nose) Well...that was fun...

Trina

I put this stupid chicken in the oven three hours ago, and it's still not cooked!

David

Ok, um...couple of things. You didn't turn the oven on. This is a turkey. And, um, yeah, it's still frozen.

Trina

Well, what am I supposed to feed Beck?

David

Does he like turkeycicles?

Beck

Will you tell this punk-nut that you like me?

Trina

Well...

Andre

Punk-nut?!

Beck

Trina... made chicken for me!

Andre

Don't you listen to her, she made a turkey! Why would you wanna date a Canadian that doesn't know one food bird from another?!

Trina

I have an idea. Um, how about the three of us eat the turkey together?

Beck

No. You pick him or you pick me!

Andre

Or maybe I'll pick you up and toss you right out that door!

Beck

(grabs him by the shirt) Oh, I would love to see you try!

Trina

Boys, I-

Robbie

Trina? (he is seen at the door with flowers) Trina, I brought you these... (sniffs) Did someone microwave a turkey?

Beck

Who are those flowers for?

Andre

They better be for Beck.

Robbie

They're for Trina.

Trina

Whaaaaaaaaat?

Robbie

Well, I heard the boys in the locker room say that Beck asked you out so I thought I'd ask you, too. (Andre grabs a shovel and tries to hit Robbie, who screams and runs while Beck and Andre chase him)

Beck

Trina wants me, not you idiots! (the three boys start to fight. Andre lifts Robbie up and shakes him. Beck then punches Andre in the face)

Trina

Boys, don't fight over me! Boys, come on! (Andre punches Beck back. Beck goes to Trina and holds her as Robbie throws the flowers to Andre, who retaliates by throwing him in the ground and preparing to hit him with a kettle)

Beck

Andre, no!

Trina

[tries to escape, but cannot because Beck holds her tight] Beck!

Beck

Don't go! [Andre repeatedly hits Robbie with the kettle] It's disgusting!

Trina

DAD, COME QUICK! THEY'RE KILLING EACH OTHER! [gets out of Beck's clutches, then runs into the garage, sobbing. The boys stop fighting and run behind the couch while laughing, implying that the whole thing was just a joke. Trina then pulls David out of the garage] And then Andre started hitting Robbie with a– [notices the boys are gone] Tea... kettle...

David

[notices the boys at the couch with puppets] What's going on?

Andre

We're doing a puppet show.

Beck

[in a British accent] I am the king.

Robbie

[in a high voice] I am the queen.

Andre

And I'm the little pussy cat. Mow.

Trina

But they were just...I swear I saw them in there, they were just... urgh!

David

Just... promise me when you go to college, it'll be some place far, far away. (leaves)

Beck

[in a British accent] Trina, did you learn your lesson?

Robbie

[in a high voice] About telling lies?

Andre

Meow! [he, Robbie and Beck joyfully jump on the couch in circles and leave the house]

Tori

Come on, hamster!

Cat

Run, Fat Santa!

Tori

Yeah, baby! Whoo! (David comes to them)

David

Hey, girls. Uh. What was the name of that actress whose house you went to tonight?

Tori

Mona Patterson.

Cat

Why?

David

She's on the news. Channel Six. (David leaves. Then, Tori sits and turns on the TV.)

But by the time firefighters arrived on the scene, Mrs. Patterson's house was already engulfed in flames and could not be saved.

Cat

My candle.

Tori

No, we don't know for sure. [the news report shows some firefighters extinguishing the fire from the house] Lots of things could start a fire.

The cause of the fire? [shows Cat's candle] This cinnamon bun-scented candle. [both girls gasp in shock] Mrs. Patterson is now resting uncomfortably in St. Billy's Hospital. As for who left the burning candle at the door, police officials say the only clue comes from Mrs. Patterson herself, who dazed and confused from smoke inhalation, was muttering something about a "cat", apparently, with red fur. [Cat holds her head and gasps in horror] Of course, we'll have much more of this story– [Tori changes the channel to a cooking show]

Cat

[nervously] Tori?

Tori

Shhhhh...