Okay, let's rehearse the debate. Congressman Furlong, can you be Joe Thornhill?
Let's see. I don't know anything about NAFTA, but I do know about baseball. Baseball, baseball, baseball, look at my muscly chest, vote for me.
Well I'm a baby-faced, know-nothing Congressman from Shitstain, Nevada, who's got the newly dropped balls enough to think that I can run for President.
Kent, you are former SecDef Maddox.
Don't do the voice, though.
I've only ever used this voice, even as a young child.
Okay. SecDef Maddox, where do you stand on crime?
Well right now I'm coming across pretty hardline, so I'll go soft to outflank Mr. Chung.
MikeOh, well, I'm the hip-hop governor of Minnesota, and I'm coming off as too soft, so I'll try to outhard SecDef Maddox.
JJackson
They've got more flip-flops than the cast of Baywatch.
[awkward pause]
Mike
What? Oh, my God...
JJackson
Well, maybe—I dunno if it's gonna be Baywatch. There's probably a more up-to-date reference we could...
You know, son, you should only talk when someone pulls your string, okay? And even then, you just say "tickle me".
What do you think of the new cut, huh? Do you like it?
Mike
Of course I don't fucking like it! It's the worst use of scissors since my failed vasectomy!
The elven look is in right now, I was reading about it.
Mike
People don't elect elves, okay. They put them to work in grottos or get them drunk at frat parties so they can toss them.
Mike
It's good we won Dixville Notch.
It's got a population of 12, Mike.
Mike
I know, Dan, but it's famous.
Our Lord Jesus started with 12.
Well, he didn't win New Hampshire, either.
I do not like to swear guys, but I think the S is about to hit the F.
Mike
The "shit" is gonna to hit the "fuck"?
No, F is for "fan", Mike, not "fuck". Why would shit hit fuck? Shit doesn't hit fuck.
I've read the speech, so my friends here—oh, sorry. Guys, this is the military–industrial complex. Military–industrial complex, these are the president's flying monkeys.
Is this about the submarine jobs?
Ten fucking points to Elsa the Ice Queen!
Should we recalibrate our language, Roger?
It's Congressman Furlong to you, Grey Elvis, and yes, this is about, specifically, nineteen hundred submarine jobs in my district that this announcement will torpedo!
The N620's are for a threat that doesn't exist! We may as well have an anti-unicorn strategy!
Mike
And they cost 50 billion dollars! 50 billion, and I'm gonna say dollars again, dollars!
You think the whole sub is made in one place? Because the fin or whatever the fuck, it comes from one factory in one state, and then this little round fucking window comes from another place! Right, and the fuel rods are from Cheesedick, Wisconsin! We are going to lose votes and seats everywhere, so take the periscope out of your asses and look at the warhead of shit that's coming at you!
Hey, Dobby the House Elf, we've had enough. Just get out.
Okay. Either way, bye-bye to the Families First bill because the lawmakers in these districts are gonna Vulcan death-grip you to fuck. [makes the Vulcan salute, then the middle finger] Live long and fuck off!
The one that the president mentioned in the CBS interview.
Alright, well, some people on Reddit put the details together and now the whole town knows who she is.
Fuck! You know, I preferred when the Internet was just AltaVista and that little Star Wars kid! Did we definitely out this girl?
Only her doctor and her principal knew, now parents are keeping their kids home from school 'cause they don't want them to, quote, "catch AIDS."
Oh, there's a town with no Gay Pride parade or a goddamn library!
Where did this data come from? How did we get her medical records, and why didn't we ask her parent's permission?
Oh thank you, Question Man! You've just saved the entire city! Or did you?
Mike
This is catching fire like a gas station in a Michael Bay movie.
What's our line here? Do we tell the president?
No! She's gonna panic! We gotta find out more facts, aright? Bozos, disassemble!
Mike
Wendy and I are adopting a baby from China. Actually, Wendy was keeping it a secret from me until today because I'm so bad at keeping secrets. But I'm gonna be a Dad!
You're a nincompoop. We are in the middle of a tied election. there's no time for some Chinese baby.
Fortune cookie say you fuck up big time, round eye.
Mike
No breakfast for this guy.
Mike
You are looking at a guy on the master cleanse. I feel amazing.
What in the lunatic fuck is the master cleanse? Sounds like Nazi domestic policy.
Little known fact about the Nazis... their polling numbers within Germany, through the roof. Unbelievable numbers. Though also tragic.
The Jewish demo couldn't have been that good.
Mike
Ma'am, I'm getting a lot of press interest about Catherine and, y'know, her condition...
What? She's a lesbian, Mike, she's not a werewolf. Though either one would explain why she never shaves her legs.
Veep · 381 quotes
