Mike McLintock quotes from Veep

Mike

Ma'am, Martin Collins, the secret service guy we reassigned... he's back. He's been un-reassigned.

Selina

Are you kidding me?

Mike

Not great, admittedly.

Selina

"Not great, admittedly"? Yeah, that should be the title of my fucking memoir.

Mike

How you feeling?

Selina

Well, I'm a political leper, and I'm emotional time bomb. So here's an idea: let's put me onstage.

Selina

We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.

Sue

Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.

Selina

Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva. So that's a no.

Amy

He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.

Selina

Seriously?!

Mike

Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.

Selina

That's a good one, Mike!

Mike

Yes, ma'am.

Jonah

POTUS wants me to monitor "U.S.Hey!" as kinda my pet project!

Selina

Oh, for fuck's sakes...

Mike

This must the first pet project of yours that didn't involve resorting to choloroform.

Jonah

Yeah, well, it's early days, Mike.

Kent

You sail, Mike? Have a boat?

Mike

Uh, yes, sir. An '87 Gulfstar 50.

Kent

Great cruiser.

Mike

Nothing fancy, but she gets the job done. You know, like a cast-iron skillet or Kevin Bacon.

Kent

I've got a Lagoon 380.

Mike

Catamaran?

Kent

Yeah.

Mike

That's real man's sailing. Leaning out in the tack, your big man balls dipping in the salty sea.

Kent

You're right there, my friend, yeah. I have no children and I wish for none, but she's my family.

Kent

Are you familiar with the Eye of Sauron? The fire-rimmed all-seeing eye from Tolkien's Lord of the Rings?

Mike

I think I caught it on a plane once.

Kent

The Eye of Sauron is the near-perfect analogue for the modern media. If we can draw the eye to Helsinki, then it won't be looking at what's going on here.

Mike

And what is exactly going on here?

Kent

I cannot tell you that, Mike.

Mike

Is Selina Gollum?

Selina

I know what this is all about. This is a political prick tease today.

Mike

Yeah, and we're about to meet a bunch of pricks.

Selina

Hey.

Mike

Hi. Uh, we told everyone you were delayed. But we're gonna have to cancel this thing, okay?

Selina

No. Mike, what are you talking about? I can't cancel my destiny.

Mike

Ma'am, look at you. You're wearing a robe. Unless you want to go down there and sing them a chorus of "Look At Me, I'm Sandra Dee," you can't go downstairs.

Jonah

Knock, knock! J-rock o'clock! Somebody order boom service? As a senior White House official I am commandeering this situation, Mike. Alright, what have you guys got for me?

Amy

Okay, she just walked through a glass door which is somewhat ironic, building up to an invisible primary, and she is temporarily insane on a cocktail of happy pills. Over to you. Captain.

Mike

You just broke his brain, Amy.

Dan

Jesus, look at that stupid gaping mouth. Let's put stuff in it.

Dan

Thanks for sending me the speech, Mike. It's perfect-

Mike

Great.

Dan

-ly shit.

Dan

[on phone, walking out] Yes, I've seen the numbers, Ken. I know that she's bleeding blue-collars. So we're gonna make her look fucking folksy in a London pub.

Mike

Wasn't it Oscar Wilde who said, "Dan's a fucking terrible campaign manager"?

Amy

I would like to shoot him, but there are no guns in this country.

Ben

I need a stiff fucking drink. In related news, Ray's talking.

Mike

Oh, God! To smart people?

Ben

He's currently with a woman from the Bank of England. It's like watching a goat try and use an ATM.

Ray

Mike, what's your favorite part of this speech?

Mike

This is like Gettysburg. "Beneath the dark soil of Passchendale, 100,000 bodies still lie unaccounted for. Let today be their funeral service, and we their mourners."

Ray

How about this? "There's a whole lot of guys who never came home. Good guys. Here's to those guys."

Ben

Holy fucking Christ. What is that, Ray?

Ray

It's called cosmic balance. It's not anything the Buddha didn't talk about.

Ben

Yeah? Well, Buddha's got a big fat ass, Ray.

Ray

I believe in karma. Does that make me weird?

Yes!

Selina

What a fucking misery marathon that was. [Looks around] Where is everybody?

Mike

Dan had a nervous collapse, Amy's taking him to the hospital, Ben went back to DC, Kent's firing Ray, and I'm in charge.

Selina

...Fuck.

Mike

I know, right?

Selina

I should just go back out there. Did you see that?

Mike

Yeah, I saw.

Selina

Why? Why am I in London talking about my enormous jiggly-ass ass?

Gary

Ma'am, but people love people who were, like, fat, then they're no longer fat.

Selina

No, they don't.

Gary

Right.

Selina

Fat people don't even vote. They can't even be bothered to get out of the house, you know? No food in the voting booth.