Dan Egan quotes from Veep

Amy

Uh... When was this Two point me meeting with Selina?

Dan

Oh, are you still tracking my every move? I thought we agreed to move on.

Amy

Move on from what? We dated for like a week. It was like getting over mild food poisoning.

Dan

Look, Amy, I am genuinely sorry that my arrival here has caused you to become so self-conscious and gain a little weight.

Amy

Fuck point you.

You dumped my daughter by text and didn't even apologize.

Dan

No, I did. I signed off with colon open brackets.

Listen, is Selina really trying to appease the oil lobby with Chuck Furnham?

Dan

I suppose Chuck could be viewed as a gesture.

Chuck is a gesture all right. [gives the middle finger] Do you know what these oil wise guys call him? They call him "who the fuck is Chuck Furnham?"

Dan

I'm not gonna be able to sleep tonight. That was fuckin' dark. You've gone up 10 levels in my estimation, by the way.

Amy

Which means I've gone down 100 in my own.

Dan

Sometimes you've gotta go down to go up.

Amy

Eh— I am taking the credit for this. I tunneled through the shit, I get the dirty glory. It is me who tells Selina the good news.

Jonah

So you're saying that just because I'm not as close to POTUS as you thought I was, that means that we can't hang out anymore?

Dan

What I'm saying, you fucking ape, is that you are a useless waste of fucking carbon. I've been trying to cynically use you, but you're so fucking low-rent, you can't even be exploited. Not to mention the fact any restaurant that serves anything in a fuckload is not a nice restaurant.

Jonah

[to the waiter] Where is the bread in this place, asshole? [to Dan] And you, you upstate New York dickshit-

Dan

Watch it.

Jonah

Yeah, I'll talk about upstate New York. You guys think you're fucking New York, but you're not. And you with your perpetual 5:00 shadow, you're not that great to be around. I don't like you, Dan.

Mike

You sure you're ready, Mr. Thrash Metal? Heard you only got two hours of sleep last night.

Dan

Yeah, well, with how many times you've got to get up and pee, Mike, I think we're about even.

Selina

Hey, have you boys read the latest draft of clean jobs?

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Okay, so you've got your critiques all prepared?

Dan

Mm-hmm.

Mike

Mm-hmm.

Selina

Who's gonna go first?

Mike

Ladies first.

Selina

So you can be harsh. You don't need to hold back or anything.

Dan

Sure. This is class genocide.

Selina

This is this um, huh?

Dan

This is rich white people and their rich white champion Selina Meyer demanding an unproven solution to an unproven problem so they can sleep better at night. Who works for large polluting companies? Ordinary blue collar Americans. Who will get fired or have their wages cut to pay for these taxes? Ordinary moms and dads. Who will suffer when these companies are no longer competitive because of your high taxes and noncompliance penalties. This is cold, calculated, class genocide perpetrated by someone who is either evil or eligible to be held on a 5150 at a mental health facility. Shame on you, Selina Meyer.

Selina

Okay.

Dan

Remember that name. No one will want to call their child by that name. There are no more Adolfs. Soon there will be no more Selinas. You are looking at the last Selina. The Selina who killed America.

Selina

Wow.

Gary

Oh, my God, Dan. No more Selinas?

Selina

Okay. Quiet, okay? I don't need to hear you. Mike? Acchh...

Mike

My chief criticism is that I don't fully understand it. If I don't understand it...

Selina

All right, good job, dummy. Sit down.

Selina

Dan? Did your boyfriend know anything about this?

Dan

I was trying to use Jonah for intelligence!

Selina

That's like trying to use a croissant as a fucking dildo!

Dan

I thought—

Selina

No, no! Let me be more clear: it doesn't do the job, and it makes a fucking MESS! Get out of my office.

Dan

[seeing a pregnancy test Amy is buying for Selina] Holy sh— Are you pregnant? Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a fucking neck tattoo.

Amy

Thanks for the support.

Dan

So I guess you're gonna be needing maternity leave. I'd be the obvious choice for your replacement.

Amy

That is literally your first thought?

Dan

No. My first thought was, "there goes your figure," but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.

Amy

Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him Fuck Weasel.

Dan

Wait a second. So— Ma'am— So you're the one who's pregnant?

Selina

I might be pregnant.

Dan

So we're looking at a wedding.

Selina

Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.

Dan

So what do you think is she really pregnant?

Amy

How should I know?

Dan

You're a woman.

Amy

You think as a woman I might sense some disturbance in, fucking what, the lady matrix?

Amy

You know, I saw a guitar in there. You play the guitar, right?

Dan

Not in this situation!

Amy

Yes! Yes!

Dan

No, my guitar is for seduction, not crowd control. Granted, on a good night that's one and the same, but still.

Amy

No, we're finding the guitar. That's what we're doing.

Gary

Selina's had a miscarriage.

Dan

Well, this is good for us.

Amy

Nicely done, Dandroid.

Mike

How is she?

Dan

Free from a major fucking political headache, I'd say.

Sue

That's deep space cold, Dan.

Mike

Explains why you piss liquid nitrogen.

Amy

Okay, there's a White House request to publish all the secret service office personnel records.

Selina

Are you kidding me? They want our records now? What are we gonna do?

Amy

Yeah...

Selina

What?

Amy

Well, we have to release those. And that has got me thinking why not release all of our fucking records? Full disclosure.

Selina

Are you serious?

Amy

Yeah, publish everything. All of our emails, all of our phone records.

Mike

Right, right, 'cause they won't have time to read everything. I mean, you can't read everything. I don't read half the stuff I'm supposed to.

Amy

So by showing that we have nothing to hide, then we can actually hide some stuff.

Selina

Dan, what do you think about this?

Dan

I just think that this could blow up in all of our faces.

Amy

Just because this isn't your baby, you don't care to— God, I am so sorry.

Selina

Oh, it's fine. It's fine. I mean, it was like a heavy period. Don't worry about it. All right, you know what, guys? We're doing this. I've made the decision that we are going to release all of our correspondence. Full disclosure is now the name of the game. Mike will fill you in on the rest of it. Right, Mike?

Mike

Yes, ma'am.

Selina

Okay. Thank you. All right, obviously it is not gonna be full disclosure. Okay? It's gonna be partial disclosure light. We don't want to have a paper trail on clean jobs. There can be no- Are you writing that down? Why would you be writing that down? Nothing about Sidney Purcell having access to clean jobs, all right? We have to check Sue's calendar, make sure there are no meetings there that I did-didn't have.

Mike

The accidentally racist brochure that we had to shred.

Selina

Oh, we're gonna redact that for sure. But the thing is, is that I still think there needs to be something embarrassing in there. You know what I mean?

Amy

Sure.

Selina

So it doesn't look as if we've just airbrushed the nipples out of this fucking thing.

Jonah

Hi, everybody. [no one says anything] So no apologies?

Amy

For what?

Jonah

Oh, for what? Oh. "Washington Post." Page 17. You've disclosed an email containing birthday gift suggestions for an unnamed White House aide. "Suggestion number one: a cake in the shape of a dick." [people laugh and Mike points to himself] "Suggestion number two: a smart new hat in the shape of a dick."

Dan

Oh, that made it in there!

Jonah

Everybody knows this is me, guys.

Furlong

Ah, I recognize you. You're one of Selina's little gay dwarves, aren't you? What, are you sappy? Is that it? Preppy?

Dan

Actually, my name is Dan Egan.

You're like Neo.

Dan

Wow.

Selina

What's a Neo?

He's from The Matrix. Everything he does is awesome.

The first movie. The sequels sucked.

Jonah

Guys, we agreed to let The Matrix debate lie.

Dan

Jesus, I can feel my virginity growing back in here.