Selina Meyer quotes from Veep

Selina

Karen, what do you think of Pierce?

Well, I think there are pros and cons to every candidate, so we just need to weigh out the pros and cons.

Amy

Have you been sent from the future to destroy me? 'Cause it's working! "I think that each candidate has merits and demerits, and I don't know my left buttcheek from my right buttcheek, but I believe in listening to both buttcheeks and then farting out my asshole mouth!" That's not even bullshit! Bullshitting takes talent; you have none! You are just a blah-blah-blah-blah bitch!

Selina

Okay, Amy, that is enough.

Amy

I have bitten my tongue so long, it looks like a dog's cushion. But no more! You have made it impossible to do this job. You have two settings—no decision and bad decision. I wouldn't let you run a bath without having the Coast Guard and the fire department standing by, but yet here you are running America. You are the worst thing that has happened to this country since food in buckets and maybe slavery! I've had enough. I'm gone.

Selina

[as Amy walks to the door] Well, I guess she's finished with her little... [Amy walks back to her] Oh, nope, look at that, there's more.

Amy

You have achieved nothing apart from one thing. The fact that you are a woman means we will have no more women presidents because we tried one and she fucking sucked. Goodbye, ma'am.

Tom James

Sometimes you have to gamble. Unfortunately, our horse did not win.

Selina

No, it certainly didn't! It fell at the first fence and it got shot, and now some French fucker's got it in a baguette!

Tom James

EVERYONE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING HOLES!!! The president is not sick! You guys are! You're parasites, you're like an infestation of mediocrity! [to Bill Ericsson] I don't care if you're a 1950s radio broadcaster, [to Mike] you're a Fozzie Bear that's been ripped up and used to smuggle heroin, [to Kent] and Nazi Doctor! [to Gary] I don't even know what the fuck you are! This is not about serving yourselves, this is about serving the president. So lets do that shall we?

Selina

Tom... I do the team talks, okay?

Tom James

You're absolutely right, ma'am.

Selina

And I agree with everything you just said, so get it together, people!

Kent

Yeah... Vermont and Connecticut, yup, they're for us.

Gary

Yeah, Vermont! Yeah, Connecticut!

Selina

Okay, settle down. A bowl of hair could win those states.

Selina

Oh, Gary! I asked a friend to come and be with me tonight.

Gary

How nice!

Selina

Yeah, Karen.

Ben

Fuck!

Selina

Jesus Christ, you know? You do your best, you try to serve the people, and then they just fuck you over.

Gary

Yep.

Selina

And you know why? Because they're ignorant, and they're dumb as shit. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is democracy. Goddammit.

Selina

Where's Tom?

Oh, uh, he's gone to talk to the crowd at the rally.

Ben

What?

Selina

The fuck he has!

Amy

Why would you let him do that?

Well you don't work here.

Ben

Neither do you!

Selina

Alright. Fuck all of you, I'm going to the rally.

Kent

Ma'am, that would be unprecedented.

Selina

No, I'll tell you what's unprecedented, Kent: a tie is unprecedented! So's becoming the first lady president! So's that jack-off becoming president through the back-door! Okay, the rulebook's been torn up now, AND AMERICA IS WIPING ITS NASTY ASS WITH IT!!!

Selina

Didn't those Founding Fuckers ever hear of an odd number?!

Ben

Two great Greek contributions to society: democracy and getting fucked up the ass.

Selina

I've tried both and they're way overrated, like jazz.

Mike

Wendy and I are adopting a baby from China. Actually, Wendy was keeping it a secret from me until today because I'm so bad at keeping secrets. But I'm gonna be a Dad!

Selina

You're a nincompoop. We are in the middle of a tied election. there's no time for some Chinese baby.

Ben

Fortune cookie say you fuck up big time, round eye.

Kent

Ma'am, I have the final House results.

Selina

Lafontaine won?

Kent

Mm-hmm.

Selina

How many abortions does a pro-lifer have to pressure his mistress into before the people turn on him?

Kent

Three.

Amy

And every day, you have to do the one thing that O'Brien can't do.

Selina

Yeah, drive sober.

Ben

Take a shit without getting a hernia.

Amy

Be the president!

Selina

I mean, will you look at Montez? Seriously, I'm more Hispanic than she is. You know? Where's she from, Santo Connecticut?

Ben

She summers in Vinyardo Del Martha.

Selina

Can I really blame another country for something they didn’t do?

Ben

It’s been the cornerstone of American foreign policy since the Spanish-American War.

Kent

Actually, ma'am... I'm sorry I'm late... I think I may have found something. The voting data in Nevada is multiple standard deviations outside the means.

Selina

Christ, Kent, know your audience.

Kent

I think that there is statistical evidence of missing ballots in Nevada.

Selina

Where?

Kent

I do not know.

Selina

How many?

Kent

I do not know.

Selina

Are you sure?

Kent

Absolutely.

Mike

I hope Mee-Maw's okay.

Selina

She's been at death's door like five times, but she always bounces back to life.

Gary

It's true.

Selina

She's like that guy... that guy...

Gary

Lazarus.

Selina

Rasputin.