[Ricky walks up to a hotel front desk with a beat up old guitar]
DADesk Attendant
Welcome to the Prince Elliot.
How's it goin'? I'm Alex Lifeson's personal guitar tech, and I gotta take this up to his room right away. Can I have the key, please?
[Ricky walks into room 2112 quietly and sneaks up on Alex shaving in the bathroom]
[narration] Most rockstars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to talk to, but for some reason Alex wasn't.
I need four tickets to your concert right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.
Look, look. I'm not a ticket agency. I'm sorry. I can't help you with the tickets.
You can't give me four tickets to your concert?!
[narration] He's just one of these guys that, "Hey, I don't want to talk to anybody," and "I'm a big fancy rock star," and "You can't talk to me!" So, it pissed me off.
[Ricky starts wrapping Alex up in duct tape]
Hang on a second, man! Hang on!
[Ricky leads Alex down the hallway in his robe, duct-taped and ankle-cuffed]
Let's go. No fuckin' around here. You say a word about this and I'm gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.
Come on, give me a break!
Come with me, just take it easy. We're just gonna go for a little ride.
[They walk into the lobby]
Hotel security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!
DADesk Attendant
What's going on? Male prostitute?
The fuckin' best trailer park in the goddamn world, right here. Good people, good friends, and we're gonna see a little show. Look, the first thing I want to do is to make it clear, this is not kidnapping, okay?
This is totally kidnapping.
This is not fuckin' kidnapping!
This is fuckin' totally kidnapping.
I'm borrowing you for a little bit to play a little concert back at the trailer park!
I don't do that kind of stuff!
Look, you're in a rock band! You should be used to this shit!
Can I tell you something? You're a fuckin' mental case!
What the fuck are you talkin' about?
It's not my fault you're this big fuckin'...
You're gonna go to jail for a long time.
I'm not going to fuckin' jail, believe me. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you for a little bit, alright?
Oh, no big deal at all. Ricky just went and stole a human being!
It's like a little rehearse, Lee. Play a couple of songs, then you can go back to your little dream world or wherever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time, playin' your fuckin' big guitar in front of people.
Julian! I came through, buddy! Where's Bubbles?
He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...
I got better than tickets. Check this out.
Ricky. Ricky. This. You're from Rush.
Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is J...ah, Gord, uh, Downie. This is Alex. Hey, play "I Like to Rock".
Well, play that Diane Sawyer song. Just fuckin' play somethin'. That's why you're here.
[Alex Lifeson plays a song on the guitar]
Ricky, what's he doing here?
I just borrowed him for a couple of hours from the hotel.
You kidnapped him, Ricky.
It's totally cool, man. We worked it all out.
You were--alright, can you stop playing this just for a second? Alright. Yeah, alright. I'm gonna untie you, and you're not gonna call the police. He's just a big fan. He made a mistake. This isn't kidnapping. I'm sorry, man. Like, are we cool or what?
You untie me, you get me back to my hotel. It's no problem.
[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]
I'm sorry about all this shit, man.
Fuck that! Don't even worry about him!
[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cab where to go]
You got enough money? Here's another dollar thirty-six there, dicktree.
[Ricky throws the coins at his feet. Julian helps him pick them up.]
I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!
Just get the fuck out of here, would ya? He's kind of a dick.
[Alex Lifeson flips Ricky off as the cab drives away, and Ricky flips him off back]
Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.
No, you fucked up big time this time, man. You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do. Huh?
Julian, look. I fucked up, and I'm sorry, alright? You got a better idea?
[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]
This is fucked up, Julian.
Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun, man.
This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!
You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?
Get down there. You want me to go next?
Please. What if something gets me?
Ah! Something licked me on the knee! Something licked me!
[Julian lifts up a grate]
We did it, Julian. Was that the Alex Lifeson?
Sorry, Randy? I got this T-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage during the guitar changes.
No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.
Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.
Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.
Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.
He doesn't wear shirts. Not even in the winter time.
[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]
How did you idiots get in here?!
Don't worry about it, Lahey. Hey, I know this guy!
See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' T-shirt to put on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.
I don't wear a frig! [Bubbles attempts to put the T-shirt on Randy]
Randy doesn't wear shirts!
[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the T-shirt while the other try to pry him off]
[to the security guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.
[The guards drag the boys away]
[The boys get out of the cab]
Fuckin' believe we gotta go down the same!
Boys, it wasn't that bad.
[Alex is in his dressing room, playing "Red Barchetta"]
What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?
Oh, not this asshole again. What are you doing with my clothes?! [to Julian] I thought we had a deal here! No cops?
Just give me back my fuckin' clothes.
[Randy walks into the room and sees Ricky, Julian and Bubbles]
Alex, we're on in four...
[Randy runs out of the room]
Mr. Lahey! Bubbles, Julian and Ricky snuck back in!
Guys, please. Gimme a break here. I gotta get back on stage. I gotta get out of these stupid track pants and into my clothes, right now!
What the fuck's wrong with track pants?
Yeah, Julian? Jim Lahey here. Yeah, Public Idiot No. 1 has gone one step too far. We're in the eye of a shiticane here, Julian.
[attempts to take the phone out of Jim's hand] Give me the fuckin' phone.
Ricky is a low-shit system.
[Ricky takes the phone out of Jim's hand]
Julian, this is Ricky. Lahey's snooping around my fuckin'--ah, this fuckin' thing. [throws the phone]
Julian, I'm collecting paperwork, and when I get enough, I can evict anyone in this park. You, Ricky, even little Bubbles here. And you know why? 'Cause you all signed on the dotted line. I'm watching you, Julian, like a shit hawk. Like a shit hawk. Come on, Randy.
Julian, what's a shit hawk? Some kind of a shitty bird that swoops down and puts poop onto ya or somethin'?
Bubbles, shit hawks don't exist, okay? He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.
Well, can he boot us out of the park like he said he could?
No, he's just being a dick. Listen, man, there's no way this operation's gonna draw heat, okay? I promise you that everything's gonna be cool. Just keep up the good work, man. Don't worry about him.
Yeah, everything'll be cool. Just like it's cool every other time you promised me and you go back to jail and I'm left here by myself with shit hawks flyin' around, shit ropes comin' after me, shitty this and shitty that!
What in the fuck are you dressed up like a bumblebee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?
It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.
No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.
We were practicing, Randy.
It's not Halloween. We're not doing community theatre.
We're consenting adults, and what we do in the privacy of our own home is--is fine, Mr. Lahey.
And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun. And that we're a couple. Hey everybody, we're gay!
Say it, Mr. Lahey. It feels great.
Alright, Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody, I'm gay.
[The camera leans to a shocked Bubbles, who awkwardly turns away]
You're always in jail for Christmas.
I'm gonna do my best to stay out of jail this year. That's what the cruise all about. We're gonna go on the cruise instead of go to jail. I'll tell you what, I got a great idea: why don't we have Christmas today?
To make up for all the Christmases I was in jail drunk. We'll have real presents and everything.
[gets out of the paddle boat] Come on out.
[Trinity also gets out of the paddle boat, and Ricky throws a glass bottle and a bag into the lake]
You're allowed doing that! That's littering!
[Cut to Ricky sitting on his car]
I've notice that if you throw something into a water body, like a lake or an ocean, that the next day you come back and it's gone. So somehow it takes it away and filters it through and just cleans it up, like a garbage compactor or whatever. So it's not really littering, if you ask me.
[Cuts back to Ricky hanging out with Trinity]
That's fine. The water's gonna wash it all away, sweetie. Aw shit! We're gonna have to borrow a tire from somebody, Trin.
Hey everybody, how you doin'? This is my friend Mr. Gun! My special guest Smith and Wesson says get your ass down and give some quarters! This is a stick up, real deal, real gun, full cooperation and no one gets done! Yeah! So listen to me, 'cause that's what I say when I rock hip uh...
Stop fuckin' robbin', man. This is a real thing.
Down, please, miss. Down. Down. Alright, you just keep doin' what you're doin'. You're cool, that's alright. Tall boy, get down! Don't make me fuckin' get up there!
Come on, we want your change.
Dude, just take the fuckin' quarters!
Please get on the ground! Aw, man. Look at these little things of detergent. [Trevor takes the detergent] We should take some of these too.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
[Ricky is honking his horn]
Thanks for the milkshake, Julian. It's delicious. [laughs]
HIGH! IN DRUNK! AS FUCK! DRUNK AS FUCK!! [Throws a glass bottle at Julian's car]
I would say it is, Julian.
[Ricky smashes the Boom Gate]
Yeah, we got a 10 72 at the Sunnyvale Trailer Park. Thank you very much. Well, Ricky, it looks like you shit goose this time.
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck your gay.
Willful destruction of property, theft under a thousand dollars, trespassing, dangerous driving. You're goin' back to jail, boy.
Good. Did you call the cops yet?
Good. I want to go back to jail.
Where did you get this rim?
I borrowed it, daddy. Just like you taught me to. Merry Christmas.
Like I taught you to? What do you mean?
Apples don't fall far from the tree. Do they, Rick?
Lahey, I got a lot to deal with before I go back to jail. I don't have time for your shit right now, so fuck off.
Speaking of shit, Rick - which you were - when a shit apple falls from a tree and grows up in a field of shit, it doesn't have any choice. Just like Trinity. She's gonna grow up to be a shit apple tree, just like her father. Have fun in jail, Rick.
Trinity, don't ever say that again. Okay? Don't joke around.
I wanna go to jail. Jail, jail, jail, jail.
Trinity, stop it! I'm serious! Don't ever joke about that. You're never going to jail, okay?
No she's not, Lahey. So fuck off.
