Don quotes from Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race

Don

The Goths take 1st place!

Josee

What?! Silver again?! This race is fixed! [screaming angrily while swaying their loom rug back and forth, hitting Jacques by accident; interview] I can't believe those pasty-faced freaks took gold! Oh, I bet they're just LOVING it!

Crimson

[interview] We won.

Crimson

We're going to Las Vegas.

Don

Located in Nevada, USA, Las Vegas is famous for its bright lights, bold entertainment, and very, very bad judgment.

Ryan

All right, what do we do?

Stephanie

So, the assistant goes into one side of the cage, the lion is in the other. The cage gets covered, and the magician pulls the lever to the correct position to drop the divider and the lion off the stage. That way the assistant doesn't get mauled. Let's go. I'll be the magician.

Ryan

Nah, nah. The girl is always the assistant, the man is the magician.

Stephanie

You better hope that dress can fit over your thick head.

Ryan

Aw, come on, Steph, be reasonable.

Stephanie

Says the guy who dumped me on television.

Ryan

[dismayed] Crud.

Don

As the Cadets and Sisters race to the Don Box to choose an Either-Or, Best Friends, Carrie and Devin lose valuable ground.

Carrie

Man, this cad is so slow…

Devin

Hey driver, the next cactus, turn west…

[thumbs up] Hmm…

Josee

I can't believe the goths came in first again! I knew I should've used this!

Jacques

They're not vampires! Agh! At least we didn't finish last, and I got to keep the outfit. [chuckles]

Carrie

Did we make it?

Don

Yes.

Carrie

Alright!

Don

In last place.

Devin

Oh. Carrie, I am so sorry. It's totally my fault, and I realized something.

Don

Did you realize this is a non-elimination round?

Don

We’re beck in sunny Nevada where the un-sunny goths are preparing today’s first tip.

Crimson

[reading the tip] "It's time to go to Mexico. Olé."

Don

I think you mean… ¡OLÉ! Yes, there's plenty to get excited about in beautiful Mexico, where the sun is hot and so is the salsa. [A fly buzzes and salsa erupts] Teams must take a form of local transit known as "the chicken bus" all the way here to the beautiful cliffs of Acapulco to receive their next challenge.

Stephanie

It's an All-In.

Carrie

"Who Loves Peppers…"

Sanders

"…and Who Loves Dip?"

Don

For this All-In, a team member must eat one hot pepper from this food cart. Once eaten, wave the corresponding flag color. Then the second team member must act like an Acapulco cliff diver. Eat the hottest pepper, and your partner leaps from the lowest ledge, there. Eat a mid-range pepper, and your partner jumps from there. But eat the mildest pepper, and your partner is basically jumping from the space station. Cliff jumpers will find their next tip, attached to canteens, anchored along the bottom of the bay.

Carrie

"The canteens are filled with just enough cold milk to soothe the pepper-eater's burning mouth."

Don

Um, you seem to be shy one loud, aggressive partner.

Jacques

Ah! There's only one cop. They don't win!

Don

Not yet. But unless one of you coughs up two burros, I'll have to give you a 10-minute penalty.

NO!

Sanders

[victoriously] Yes! [calling out to her partner as the Ice Dancers are penalized for ten minutes] Hurry, MacArthur! You've got 10!

MacArthur

Okay, donkey. WAKE UP!

Sanders

From now on, we stay in the winners circle by any means necessary.

MacArthur

Does this mean I get-

Sanders

No, you cannot taser anyone.

MacArthur

Aw. [Ice Dancers’ interview]

Josee

Second place. Again!

Jacques

But at least I got another team eliminated.

Josee

That's true. We did. It's like we won a gold medal in treachery!

Sanders

[reading the tip] "Travel to Cần Thơ, Vietnam."

Don

Cần Thơ is not only a great name for a movie villain, it's also the largest city in Vietnam's thriving Mekong Delta. Teams will find their next tip here, along the Mekong River, where the fish are plentiful, ugh, and pungent. Get that thing away from me! [more characters getting travel tips]

Devin

Uhh! It says- here! You read, I’ll get us a cab! Taxi!

Carrie

Uh, wrong way!

Carrie

Devin nearly costs us the race today. What is up with him? It’s like the long per we’re in this thin, the less I know him. I want to million with my best friend, not some total stranger. But! I’ll take the million either way.

Geoff

Well! Here we are dude.

Brody

Hit us with those negative vibes.

Don

Hey, Hey, Hey! Quite the long faces! Your’e not out of the race yet.

Brody

Wow!

Geoff

[gasps]

Don

Now you’re out!

Brody

No!

Geoff

Aw.

Don

See what I did there? That's TV fishing. Gave ya some line and a little hope and then yanked it away! It's gonna look great and all this explaining will be edited out. Cool, huh?

Geoff

Bummer, dude...

Don

Some people just don't get show business.

Brody

MacArthur! You have to go on without me!

MacArthur

Cool beans will do.

Sanders

[reading the tip] "Catch a flight to Siberia."

Don

Siberia! This massive province of Russia is home to the Siberian tiger, Siberian husky, and probably anything else prefaced with Siberian.

[over PA] Welcome, uhh, aboard, everyone, huh. We're going to be, um... closing the... uh... cabin doors, any uhh... second now. For the taking off.

Josee

[irately impatient] JUST CLOSE THE DOORS ALREADY!!! [plane cabin doors slam close; sighs in relief]

Woo-hoo!

Carrie

That was too close!

Don

All the teams are off! Some happier than others.

Josee

Now we're all on the same flight, and it's all because of that pilot!

Jacques

Why? Because he, uhh, spoke, uhh- [Josee punches him in the shoulder, getting him to stop talking] Ow!

“Who’s ready to go deep?” Uh-oh.

Don

After losing the race to the moon, Russia decided to try and win a race to the middle of the earth. They stopped drilling at the seven mile mark when they realized no one lose was even going to try. Today, one team member must lower their harness partner all the way to the bottom, and find a ball. Before they cranked all the way back up to their partner. Once they’re back up it’s a foot race to the Chill Zone. Located here at this Russian steam bath. Last team to arrive with ball and hand, Maybe eliminated. I hope they all take their time cause I booked a rejuvenating caviar body scrub.

Josee

[getting a tip from the Don box] We're going to Darjeeling, India.

Don

Yes, Darjeeling, where the world's finest teas are grown, like assam, nilgiri, and several more I can't pronounce. Teams must fly to Bagdogra, India, then take taxis here to the mountains of Darjeeling to find this Don box with their next travel tip.

Stephanie

[getting a tip from the Don box while sweating] Tea time? Please let it be iced tea.

Don

Wouldn't that be nice? But no.

Josee

What does Don have against us? Are we too talented, too attractive, too all-of-the-above?

Carrie

Devin! You’re alive!

Devin

I just hurt my ankle, it’s not bad. [gets stepped by a bull] Now that’s bad…

Don

And the Cadets take second! [MacArthur raspberries]

MacArthur

I’d rather take first, but, anyway we beat those Ice for Brains jerks is a good day. Good call, I’m not joining up with them again. Way to lead, partner!

Carrie

Are you okay? Anything broken?

Devin

No, Carrie, I just… Ow!

Carrie

Good! Gotta get to the carpet! [Runs all the way to the carpet carrying Devin]

Don

And the Best Friends take third. That leads the Haters, and the Ice Dancers.[talks to the Ice Dancers] How are you feeling about your chances now?

Josee

Never better…