TV show quotes
[on The Mitsubishi i]
Now, Mitsubishi, you know Mitsubishi, makers of the Evo and all that, they've now introduced a new turbocharged, mid-engine car. Yeah, you want to see it?
Yeah.
Here it is... (Shows the picture of an i car). It's called the i car. No, no, hang on, because it.. it might be ugly, but at least it's.. slow.
[...]
It's also got hypo-allergenic seats...
What that give you eczema?
No...
... Chlamydia?
[on The Mitsubishi i's deodorizing roof lining]
If you, um, break wind, in the car. The smells are absorbed into the roof lining.
It's deodorizing, that's what it does. So, basically, the seats absorb your eczema, and the roof lining absorbs your fart. Which is very clever, but you wouldn't want to buy one second hand now would you?
[on The Stig]
Some say that to unlock him, you have to run your finger down his face, like this (runs his finger down the face of an audience member standing nearby), and that if he was getting divorced from Paul McCartney, he'd keep his stupid whining mouth shut! All we know is, he's called The Stig.
[after revealing Simon Cowell has beaten Gordon Ramsay for first place on the Celebrity Lap Time Board.]
And Gordon Ramsay has just committed suicide.
Well, to be fair to Gordon Ramsay, he's fat.
This has to be the most stress-free and relaxing Monday-morning rush-hour commute since the dawn of civilisation.
[cut to Richard]
OH NOT ANOTHER SET OF SODDING LIGHTS! OH BLOODY HELL! (To pedestrians) Have a nice walk! Enjoy yourself!
[on the car's loss in the race]
Can I clear something up? I don't get this. Watching the film, you get the impression that the car arrive fifteen minutes after everybody else. Now if I remember correctly when I got there, James, you were already there and had been for ages.
He was, and you know something else? I distinctly remember my boat blew up and I was killed!
Yes, and I'm pretty sure I remember going straight past Hammond with his head stuck in some railings.
That happened!
And you know what? London doesn't have a river, so I couldn't have done it by boat! And there you go, what Top Gear - which is a trusted, factual, award winning show - has proved is, despite what you saw in that stupid and misleading film the car was the fastest!
[during the opening credits.]
Tonight, James races a man in wellies, Richard crashes some motorhomes, and I close down Manchester Airport.
[starting the news]
And now the news. And I'm afraid it's very bad; Jeremy Clarkson has a cold.
[as he sits down] I have NOT got a cold, I've got bird flu.
[Audience laughs]
I have. I am now living breathing proof, soon to not be living or breathing, that it can jump species.
Wow... but hey, this means it's just one step away from humans.
[on petrol going up to a pound a litre.]
And it's a good job your car doesn't run on bull semen.
Well it is, yes. But why?
Because you know how much bull semen is?
Do you know? I can't remember off the top of my head.
24,000 pounds a litre.
No way!
[still on petrol going up to a pound a litre...]
I filled my car up with petrol a couple of months ago, do you know how much that cost?
Well no...
90 pounds.
... big car, 85 pounds.
No! 35,000 pounds.
You filled it up with bull sperm you idiot!
[after explaining why he (Jeremy) paid 35,000 pounds on petrol.]
I reckoned you spent it on bull sperm.
Did you not notice the pump was different?
[laughing, with the audience laughing as well]
[imitates a bull noise]. It keeps moving! Now it's chasing me! I don't want it any more.
[audience laughs]
I've got bird flu. Be nice.
[on the Alfa-Romeo 159.]
Now, Alfa-Romeo has launched a replacement for its 156, which is called the 159.
Oh actually James, that was launched two years ago.
Yes it was, but we weren't paying attention.
[on the Stig.]
Some say that he thought Star Wars was a documentary, and that he recently pulled out of I'm A Celebrity because he is scared of trees... and Australia... and Koo Stark... and Ant... and Dec. All we know is, he's called the Stig.
[on the Premier League in football] We call it the Andrex Premiership because it's soft and unnecessarily expensive.
....and in the Transit, we've got Desperate! (i.e. James May)
[on the motorhome race]: The rules were simple. 15 laps and no body contact. [cut to scene of motorhomes crashing into each other] Mind you, we had invited touring car drivers!
I've just seen the door of a kitchen unit on the track,and that doesn't happen at Silverstone.
[during the opening credits.]
Tonight, in a well-balanced show, James gets egg on his face, Richard runs himself over, and I powerslide the new Aston Martin DBS.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
