[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: How reliable is your car? How will this new British supercar fare on our track? And the new Baby Aston: how does it perform as an ark?
S7 E1November 13th, 2005
"Welcome To Greenpeace!" (After a video montage introducing the 7th series)
[on the Stig]
Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin's, and that where ever you are in the world, if you tune your radio to 88.4, you can actually hear his thoughts... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[during the news, talking about the website Top Gayer]
Right, there's a new motoring website that's come out. It's for homosexuals...
(Audience Laughs as Richard abruptly reacts.)
It's a motoring site for homosexuals. You know what they called it?
(An audience member at the back shouts "Top Queer")
No, not Top Queer...
(Audience laughs, followed by applause)
...though that's very good.
That's very good.
That's better than what they've come up with.
It is actually better.
They've actually called it... "Top Gayer."
(Audience laughs as a screenshot of the site is shown.)
I like Top Queer more!
Yeah. We'll set up a rival one.
The best thing about it, okay? 'Cause I went in and checked this one out, and...
Did you?
Yeah. The editor is called Rich. (Pauses then looks at Richard...)
Oh come on! It's not--
No, he's put a CV of himself in and he says he lives in the Cotswolds...
Well yeah I do--
He's got a 4x4.
Yes I have, but I'm not moonlighting as the editor of a gay website OK?
He's got a dog!
Yes look...I've got a...but it's not me!
He's had his teeth whitened.
I haven't had... I have not had my teeth whitened!
What they just become white?
In the same way that yours have gone green!
[Jeremy laughs]
It just happens to your teeth!
Anyway listen. If you are a homosexual and you want to know about... cars, write to "Richard Hammond, Suspiciously Neat House...
[Richard laughs]
...Dog Lane, The Cotswolds!"
Thank you!
[also during the news]
Hey, Hey, Hey! Now the other day I was driving behind a BMW Z4, roof down, bloke driving along and he had a bit of a comb over. Now as he accelerated onto the M40, his speed built up, Whooop! He got lift off. He must've been thinking, I look like Tom Selleck in this car. Kinda like a pedal bin, put his foot down on the pedal, Whooop! Anyhow, that gave me an idea; I wonder if the Z4 is particularly bad for that, what would be the best convertible if you had a bit of a Charlton going on.
Yeah, good question.
So we are looking for volunteers. If you got a bit of a comb over and you would like to know which sports car is best, then please get in touch with us, and I'm being serious, no silly addresses: BBC Top Gear, 201 Wood Lane, London, W12 7TS. Mark your envelope: I've got a bit of a Charlton.
[How reliable is your car]
Hang on, I've just noticed something here. Of the bottom 13 cars, 10 of them are French.
Yea, that's probably why they're burning so many in Paris.
[When asking the audience]
What? A satisfied Mercedes customer? In the immortal words of Basil Fawlty, we ought to have him stuffed.
S7 E2November 20th, 2005
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: the best toys in the whole world; a car made on Memory Lane; and Audi's new RS4 races a thin man up a thick cliff.
[on the Stig]
Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his earwax tastes like Turkish delight... all we know is, he's called the Stig.
[following the Porsche Cayman power lap; the car has been disparaged by Jeremy for being made merely to fill a gap between the 911 and Boxster rather than to be as good as possible, and because their Producer has bought one as an "investment"]
And he did it in 1:26.7, so it goes...
[struggling to make a space on the board]
...there. In front of a Corvette.
Interesting that you've made a space actually, because I reckon if you sent Porsche 911 and a Boxster around as well, the 911 would've gone about there [points randomly above the Cayman's time], and the Boxster - I dunno - about there [points about the same distance below the Cayman's time].
Yep, you're exactly right, and I'm just looking at this [points to the Cayman's time], 1:26, that's what it's worth.
[on the Porsche Cayman]
It's called the Cayman and I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, "that's not a new car, it's just a Boxster with a roof." You have got a point, it's got the same controls as the Boxster. They should've called it the Coxster!
[racing two speed climbers in an Audi RS4]
I will not be beaten by two adrenaline junkies who call everyone "dude."
[Into radio whilst sitting in a full-size remote control car as James crashes it] You are utterly useless!
[as a passenger in a life-size radio-controlled car, which Richard is attempting to park in an improvised carport garage lined with cheap porcelain trinkets] He's doing it good. Well done.
[the car advances]
[into radio] Brake, man! Brake! [the car smashes ornaments on shelves over the bonnet]
Sorry.
[Richard takes down the whole garage as he reverses out]
NO!
Sorry.
[Voiceover whilst controlling a life-size remote control car towing a caravan about to be hit by the "Wrecking Ball of Doom"] For once, I was hoping the caravan would survive.
[Demonstrating the new Vauxhall Astra VXR remote control car]
OK, it's over there, it's a Vauxhall VXR [car starts to approach them] Here it comes. And if you just watch carefully, you will note that it has now taken off. [car starts to float] It's flying!
It's floating!
No it's not floating, James. It's flying!
[Audience laughs]
There is a man controlling that! I mean, have you ever seen anything like this in your whole life? That is a ton of Vauxhall flying around the studio over people's heads. I will explain how it works, OK? It weighs about 10lbs, which is about the same as my Sunday joint and it has three little propellers that make it steer and move about.
That's amazing! Is it expensive?
Yes! It costs... five... pounds [Audience laughs] No, I'm joking, it costs £60,000.
Really?
£60,000 and worth every penny. Ladies and gentlemen, the flying Vauxhall. [audience applauds]
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.