I have here a personal letter reply to us from David Cameron himself. [reading the letter] "Dear Top Gear, thank you for your letter. Whilst it's true I'm keen on us to build on our ties out here, sending you three is not quite what I had in mind. The Foreign Secretary did wonder instead about a fence mending trip to Mexico. Basically, my message is this... you do the cars, we'll do the diplomacy."
[looks behind] Oh, here he comes now.
[David Cameron is seen leaving Number 10 by car in front of the three]
DCDavid Cameron
Stay away from India.
[looking dejected] ...Well, that was unequivocal.
Well, we're going to ignore the Prime Minister. What we're going to do instead is to buy three second-hand British cars, and then to head over there with a very simple objective... to rescue Britain.
[voiceover] As night fell, we came across a village fete. Everyone was doing business, so I ramped up the PA.
[Music being played from Jeremy's loudspeaker]
The British are back... I mean here.
Has anyone here seen the theory test? Anybody?
You have? Because most people of our age haven't, and none of the questions have got anything to do, as far as I can work out with driving. Now let me - can I give you some examples? [looks briefly at Hammond] You can answer this. "An elderly person... [gestures to himself] An elderly person's ability could be affected because they may be unable to...?"
Get an erection. [laughter]
[looks at Jeremy's jeans] Wear jeans! [laughter]
Funny. "Where's the safest place to park your vehicle at night?"
In a police station. [laughter]
Right, we've got a picture here. We'll bring up this picture. [screen shows school keep clear markings] Right. When - This is a real question, OK? "You must not stop on these road markings because you may obstruct... what?" [laughter]
I mean, seriously, that is a question. He's managed to fail 92 times on that one.
Those are not questions to pass your driving. Do any of them say, for instance, can you drive a car?
No, no. I'm in the book now. This is what you buy your teenage child when they're learning to drive. "At an incident, a small child is not breathing. To restore normal breathing, you should breathe into their mouth, A sharply, B gently, C heavily, D tenderly?" [laughter]
It doesn't say "tenderly"!
I made "tenderly" up. Nothing to do with driving!
I bring all this up, OK, because when did it happen that somebody decided that driving was so unbelievably hard, you can't do it while doing something else? You know like listening to Ken Bruce's pop master, or talking on the phone. Honestly, I can't think of anything that I couldn't do while driving... apart from reading a broadsheet newspaper. I wouldn't be able to do that.
You can't, you'd need to hold your wood -- [making sawing movement]
No, no, you put it between your legs. You can still operate the pedals. You could saw.
Um, sewing on a button. You need both hands to really do this fiddly --
You know you can't sew on a button with a hammer?
I know how to sew. Actually, while we're on the subject, did you see that case recently... a woman who was stopped by the police after they caught her driving down a motorway while... causing herself to have pleasure. [laughter]
I bet you can't drive in a sleeping bag. [laughter] Actually, I'm not sure. Actually, I'm going to take that back. I think you could drive in a sleeping bag if you, if you...
You couldn't drive in a sleeping bag.
I bet you - I bet I could.
I bet I could drive in a sleeping bag.
Right, there you go. Right, you're on! Some time this week, before next week's show, I'll take you on round the track. You drive in a proper cocoon sleeping bag with your arms in it...
And race me, and I'll sew a button on my shirt.
Oh let me guess... I've got to drive whilst performing an act on myself.
[laughter and applause]
We'll leave you out of it.
Can we make it a 50 yard sprint -- [breaks down to laugh]
[On Chinese manufacture of counterfeit products, including copying of car designs]
[on the street, wearing a host of knockoff clothes] The Chinese are very good at this sort of thing. I'm speaking to you now from behind a pair of fake Ray-Bans, wearing a fake Armani jacket, carrying a fake Louis Vuitton bag in which we find a fake iPad and a fake iPhone. And if we consult my fake Omega, we see that it's twenty-five to three. Probably. Which means it's time to pop into the fake Starbucks over there for a cup of fake coffee. It seems then that the expression "copyright infringement" doesn't translate terribly well into Mandarin.
[While test driving the XF15OZK-4]
[voiceover] Having mastered the gearbox, it was time to open up the single-cylinder 12-horsepower engine.
[Both Jeremy and James lean back unwillingly & repeatedly every time Jeremy speeds up]
The acceleration just... is blinding! It's like a safety device. You accelerate too hard, your feet come off the pedal.
Hold on to your spine. [over rough roads] Ah!
I mean, 2004, this car was launched.
If I'd shown this to you and asked you when it was built, when would you have said?
I would say it was older than me.
[over rough roads] Ow! Ow!
JJJeremy & James
Poor quality!
Come on, redeeming feature, James. There must be a redeeming feature.
Uh... It's character-building.
No, 'cause I mean this...
[Engine suddenly dies]
[after failing to restart the engine] I think our test drive's over.
[On Chinese Stig]
Some say he's the Stig, but he isn't. He is the Stig's Chinese cousin. [Chinese Stig kicks open a door behind them] Now, I should explain, driving is his second favourite thing.
What's his first favourite thing?
Attacking people. He does it a lot. He's constantly at it.
[Chinese Stig proceeds to attack Jeremy, James, the director and the camera crew until Jeremy and James persuade him to go into the Guangzhou Trumpchi]
That's the worst Stig we've ever had.
