TV show quotes
Have you ever wanted to buy, OK, a sports car that's got a diesel engine, top speed of 150 miles an hour, that's a high-riding 4x4 off-road car and is also a four-seater convertible?
James and Richard, in unison: No.
Neither have I. But Audi's made one anyway. Here it is.
What! What do you do with it?
I've no idea. It's called the Cross Cabriolet. Not as cross as the owner's going to be when he buys it and realized he looks like Graham Norton's plumber.
[on the Stig.]
Some say that he knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong. And that 61 years ago he accidentally introduced Her Majesty The Queen to a Greek racialist. All we know is, I'm going to the tower now to have my head cut off, and he is called The Stig.
[pointing to the Aston Martin DB9]
So it's Keira Knightley... [pointing to the Aston Martin DBS] or Keira Knightley, dressed in Puff Diddley's jewellery.
[In an attempt to prove British Leyland made some good cars, James has to drive over a cobbled road with a colander full of eggs over his head]
He looks like a spaniel that's crashed into the back of a hen!
[when his ignition key wouldn't turn]
Which slovenly Midlander built this?
[At the former site of Longbridge when Jeremy opens his car door, the interior of the door stays put. All three burst out laughing]
I opened the door! The door's still there! It's gone back to Longbridge!
It's on strike!
[Richard's Triumph Dolomite Sprint has just failed the handbrake test, nearly running him over as it rolls freely backward down the slope]
Ah! That's not gone well.
[The Dolly Sprint crashes into the 33.3% Grade sign at the bottom of the slope]
Sorry! Sorry, that's gone badly wrong. It's gonna come - sorry!
[looking on with Clarkson and laughing] Having failed the handbrake test, he's knocked down the sign warning him how steep the hill is.
[voiceover] Still, every cloud and all that...
Very good test of how fast it goes... backwards... with the handbrake on.
[James on observing why he has more egg stains on the front of his shirt than Richard's shirt after both completing the ride comfort tests]
I've got more on the front - Why's that?
Richard [demonstrating the colander with his hands] Because mine was... Because I have to sit further forwards than you 'cause I'm short.
That's what it is.
[After Jeremy completes his ride comfort with eggs test, he wipes the egg from his hair using the driver's seat of Richard's car].
[voiceover] ... Except I was desperately needed to wash my hair.
Oh get off Jeremy! That's disgus...ting [Jeremy is now standing up.]
What I have just done is I've wiped my hair on a seat that's 30 years old and has had some Midlander's bottom on it!
[for the final test, the cars would be filled with water for the presenters to drive around the Top Gear track to test build quality].
[to the fire brigade on filling up his car with water] You could have used warm water, it's freezing! [Moments later] There's 30-odd years' worth of fag ends and fluff coming up on top!
Actually, it's a good point, because my dad had three of those, and none of the doors ever fell off.
No, it's not Rover's fault. They were built brilliantly.
In fact, I seem to remember that at the time, the SD1 was often praised for the way its... back doors... stayed on.
Exactly!
[tallying the scores at the end of the British Leyland challenge]
Now, the water test.
Yeah, now this, we got 20p for every yard you covered — you did 1,500 yards, so...
Uh..
That's, um...
It's £300, you half-wit.
I was just— It was right on the tip of my tongue. [updates the scoreboard]
I did 4,500 yards, which I think you'll find is £900.
[James basks in the audience's adulation while Jeremy writes the number down]
And you did ten yards.
[helpfully] That's two pounds!
[During the opening sequence.]
Tonight: Compo takes me for a spin in a car from his youth. Richard tries to drive a fast car without crashing, and Lewis Hamilton faces his toughest challenge yet: The Suzuki Liana.
[on the Stig]
Some say that when he slows down brake lights come on in his buttocks, and that if he'd been the manager of the England football squad last week, he wouldn't have been a feckless ginger gum-chewing buffoon who ruined it for all of us. All we know is, he's called The Stig.
[speculating on the survey responses that led a Toyota marketing survey to imply that 28% of Europeans want their cars to make them feel ill]
That doesn't seem - "Oh, I love my Mondeo because every time I start the engine it gives me scurvy, and that's a good thing in my life!"
"I chose Porsche because it brings on rectal prolapse."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
