[During the opening sequence.]
On tonight's Top Gear: Richard Hammond in a V8 tumbledryer; The classiest way to bankrupt yourself; And we turn up the heat on the world's dullest car!
S2 E1May 11th, 2003
It's the trouble, brothers and sisters - they're all related.
[On his Bentley T2] I've got furniture that handles better than this thing!
[while driving a Bowler Wildcat off-road vehicle]
I am a driving god!
It's in the script I should argue with you, but I'm not going to because I love that car. Anyway, that's it for this evening, and--
Actually, no it's not, that isn't it, because--
It seems the Driving God has more to say, at this point. What is it, Driving God?
Things I wish I'd never said...
[on the Smart Roadster's transmission]
The thing is, it's a gearbox, okay? It has one job to do! One job! Pull the lever... "Am I a pencil? Am I a cauliflower? Am I a nuclear power sta-- I'm a gearbox! Oh, heavens, I'm gonna swap some cogs around!"
[on the Smart Roadster]
In fact, it has exactly the same top speed as Henry the Eighth.
[Introducing guest Vinnie Jones.]
He would drive a large Mercedes to a fight and occasionally during that fight a game of football might break out.
Now as I understand it you still hold the world record for being sent off in a game of football, don't you? Cause it's five seconds wasn't it?
VVinnie
Yeah, this was... I ran on and it was like a minute.
No, you've done it in five seconds, that's quicker than a minute.
VVinnie
Well no, 'bout a second actually. Mostly came on...
One second?
VVinnie
Yeah.
See, I'm intrigued, not being a footballist I have to admit, how do you reach an opposing player to commit some kind of atrocity in that time?
S2 E2May 18th, 2003
[During the opening sequence.]
On tonight's Top Gear: Jamie Oliver's meals on wheels; A German sledgehammer in a velvet bag; And which is the fastest political party?
[during the news]
I was driving through East London this week and I got shot. OK? Now the thing -
Eh?!
I was shot.
At last!
Well, they didn't hit me, but they hit the car - no, honestly, the windscreen. So now I've got -
What with?
[casually] An AK-47.
[on Jeremy being told by his auto glass repair people that his Mercedes-Benz had to stay at their shop overnight so the glue on his replacement windscreen could set]
Did they by any chance try telling you that the glue will set better if it's left parked outside a nightclub all night, maybe?
[on the Lexus LS300's colour rear-view video camera]
You have to get a more expensive television licence to reverse that car.
[on the English translation of an early 1970s Datsun owner's manual]
And then in the index, under "H", it's got "How to open the bonnet".
I had a good one with Daihatsu. They once flew me first-class, before I was working for the BBC, they flew me first-class all the way to Japan, via Hong Kong, and then back through Maui and San Francisco. And I arrived in Japan to drive their new Charade - this was, oh, I don't know, late '80s. I did half a lap of the track and crashed it!
Oh, well done! Well done!
And the guy said, "Oh, don't worry. We make one every 23 seconds."
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Top Gear pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.