Top Gear quotes

Jeremy

Now, listen, I've got a couple of questions for you. First of all, this. [making squeaking noise]

Richard

Yeah. Underneath the brake pedal, I've fitted one of these, [holding up a squeaky rubber ball] so you know which pedal you're hitting.

Jeremy

Oh, I see! So there's no chance of unintended acceleration.

Richard

Yeah, that's a big problem solved.

Jeremy

Am I pushing the right pedal? [squeaking noise] Yes, I am! There's an audible reminder! That's brilliant!

Richard

Not only that, but the nature of the noise…

Jeremy

Yes, it's funny. When it comes to cadence braking… [rapid squeaking noise heard]

Richard

Oh, that is lovely!

Jeremy

…'cause a cadence-braking situation is a panic situation —

Richard

Yeah, it's bad.

Jeremy

— but that sprinkles some comedy into it.

Richard

I've never concentrated so hard in my life.

Two and eight, 28.

Jeremy

Oh! I'm literally wetting myself!

One and five, 15.

Jeremy

It's coming out!

All the sixes, 66.

Jeremy

Oh! Say 86!

Six and five, 65.

Jeremy

Oh, boll —!

Richard

See, in the advert for the chairs, we were told they were very easy to get into and out of, you know.

Get me bottom round.

Jeremy

Shall we get a nurse to do this?

No, I'll do it if it kills me!

Richard

Well, we'd rather it didn't!

Jeremy

I was going to say —

Richard

There's a lot of paperwork.

I'm so sorry.

Richard

Can I help at all?

Jeremy

Well done, with both our dignity nearly intact!

Jeremy

Some say that he has the worlds largest collection of horse eggs, and that when he knocks Rafael Nadal out this week it won't be during a game of tennis.

Jeremy

I do realize the enormity of the challenge I face, which is why I have gone for the fastest car in the world. Here it is. [gestures to blue Toyota Corolla]

James

It's a Toyota Corolla.

Jeremy

Yes it is.

James

It's a 1.8 litre Toyota Corolla.

Jeremy

Engine size is irrelevant, James, because do you know what makes this so fast? Look in the window. [camera zooms in on Avis Preferred Service tag on mirror] I've rented it!

James

Oh no.

Jeremy

Yes. And this is the thing, with the Bugatti Veyron sometimes you're using 15 horsepower, sometimes you're only using ten. This, you've got 140 horsepower from the moment you start it up to the moment you crash it.

James

Did you pick up one of those, what do they call them, collision damage waiver forms?

Jeremy

No, I picked up six.

Jeremy

It was PJ O'Rourke, the American author, who first noticed that hire cars are the fastest cars in the world. He is, of course, completely correct, because when was the last time you took your car to the redline? Or you drove it flat out? Never. But here, in this, now, yeees, because it isn't mine.

Jeremy

"Was Avis vehicle on correct side of the road?" Yes, I was. "Explain how accident occurred." A maniac came the other way. "State who in your opinion was responsible for the accident." Him! Him! He was mad.

Jeremy

Is it exhausting?

James

No, I want to say it's bloody uncomfortable and unpleasant, but Sir Ben Ainslie is sitting next to me, so I can't really say that.

Jeremy

Can you congratulate him for how good he was in both Gandhi and Sexy Beast?

[smiling] Nearly nobbled a cameraman.

Jeremy

Tonight, I play tennis. Richard points at a minibus. And James shakes hands with two men.

Jeremy

Some say that he breaks into people's houses at night and leaves two mysterious extra keys in a kitchen drawer. And that as a result of buying Pirelli condoms this week, he now has 17 children.

Richard

I don't believe you, and I think this has become a new mystery. It's like a yeti. So if maybe somebody's seen him, if you have seen Jeremy on his bicycle, write to us, please, at "Help, I've Burst From Laughing, Top Gear, Wood Lane, wherever". I don't believe you.

Jeremy

I'm going to ride down here — No, I'm not going to ride down here next week. That's idiotic. I barely ride to the paper shop.

Richard

I'm thinking that would be an epic test. (James) in that Ferrari, (Jeremy) in the McLaren, me in that Zonda.

Jeremy

Anybody want to see that?

Yeah!

Richard

So do I. I want to do that.

Jeremy

Let's see if we can put that together.

Richard

Yeah, I want to do that.

Jeremy

Mmm! We have everything we need. Huge scenery, swooping road, no traffic. The Holy Trinity for anyone whose communion wine comes with an octane rating.

Jeremy

Tonight, a dog looks over a wall. We drive some chairs. And The Stig does a skid in a supercharged Jag.