Top Gear quotes

Jeremy

[in the McLaren MP4-12C Spider] So, Spain. Six million unemployed and they have a smaller population than we do. Two million households have no income at all. 57 percent youth unemployment.

Jeremy

[voice over] Right now, though, James was dealing with rather more serious issues.

James

[in the Audi R8 V10 Spyder] The cabin is too blustery. I've got both the windows up and I have the windshield thing at the back up, but my hair still whips me in the eyeballs. I know some of you are going, "Why don't you get your hair cut, then?" Lots of people have lots of hair.

James

£70,000 will buy a cook.

Richard

Would it interfere with this debate if I was suddenly and violently sick?

Jeremy

[voice over] Of course, if you turn the traction control off and stamp on the throttle, you can get it to misbehave. But you sense immediately that it doesn't want to do this. [in the car] It doesn't like that. [imitating German accent] "I am a serious racing car, Englander! Don't drive with your clown shoes on!"

Jeremy

Some say that he also has a button that makes him hum, and that if he played football for Manchester United, he'd be loyal, because he's not a potato-headed oaf.

Jeremy

Well, that was a complete catastrophe and it was all Hammond's fault.

Richard

How was it my fault?

Jeremy

Because, as predicted, those engines weren't powerful enough.

Richard

No, the problem was, and I never thought I'd say this, James's skirt was too small. [laughter]

James

No, no, I'm not having that, there was nothing wrong with my skirt. The problem was that (Jeremy) just charged into the water, as usual, like an imbecile.

Richard

The thing with hovercrafting is it's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, disaster.

Jeremy

The hovercraft has run amok in a lock!

Jeremy

In the Shakespearean style, "Horsepower, horsepower, my kingdom for some horsepower!"

Jeremy

Tonight... Richard drives a new Lamborghini. James and I go on a caravan holiday. And a rock god is in our Reasonably Priced Car.

James

Well, hang on, that's not going to work. Because we know the voice recognition in cars is rubbish. It never works, does it? So, if you just say, "The Police", it will probably actually ring the police.

Jeremy

No, it will! It will, it will! Because this car's got a feature on it that if you have an accident or get into problems, it calls the emergency services for you.

Richard

Well, that's just a recipe for disaster.

Jeremy

You'll be sitting there going, "Right, get the fire brigade," and it would play The Move! [singing] "Get the fire brigade, get the fire brigade —"

Richard

"Oh, I'm in trouble, help!" [singing] "I need somebody, help!" What a terrible way to die, trapped in your car, listening to all the embarrassing rubbish on your iPod.

Jeremy

Some say he's married to one of Princess Anne's hats. And that he spent all week standing outside a hospital in London pretending to be Nicholas Witchell.

Jeremy

It's got automatic brakes! It stopped without me asking it to, 'cause it thought I was going to hit the hedge. Get in. Right, try to run me down.

James

Oh, all right. Now, if this doesn't work, you all heard him say, "Try to run me down."

You know what, my mum used to say don't ever be afraid: she said amateurs built the Ark and pros built the Titanic. Meanwhile, I got in this car and I was scared to death.

James

Oh, no. This is disastrous, I'm actually driving through Jeremy's caravan!

Jeremy

James, are things as bad back there as I suspect they are?

James

Well, let me put it this way, I've run over your left hand wall. Oh, and your portable lavatory! [laughs]

James

I could actually overtake now but this is too amusing. I've got to — [laughs uncontrollably]

James

[voice over] Sadly, I was laughing so much, I crashed … into myself.

James

[jackknifing] I've spun!

Jeremy

Tonight, I point at some fields. Richard minces round a corner. And James describes his ideal night in.

James

[in a bus] Vomit and sputum, and other bodily secretions.