C.J. Cregg quotes from The West Wing

I'm curious about the President's farm in Manchester. The property value increased $750,000. What's that due to?

C.J.

Secret Service improvements.

Can you go into detail, please?

C.J.

The property now includes a helipad and the ability to run a global war from the sun porch.

Josh

C.J., an N.S.C. staffer gave me a card with instructions on it for what I'm supposed to do in the event of a nuclear attack. They want me up in the plane or down in a bunker. They don't want you... or Sam, or Toby, for that matter. I didn't want to be friends with you and have you not know.

C.J.

[surprised] Josh, have you been upset about this?

Josh

Yes.

C.J.

You're very sweet sometimes. You really are.

Josh

C.J...

C.J.

Of course they don't want me, Josh! I'm a press secretary. I don't think they're going to be issuing a whole lot of releases. Sam and Toby are communications and my guess is that speech writing won't be a priority either. Come, have some fun. [starts to leave]

Josh

[points at his boombox] This is a beautiful piece of music. Do you know this?

C.J.

...I'm Catholic.

Josh

Hang on. Listen. Listen. [turns up his boombox at the words "O Jungfrau, sieh der Jungfrau Sorgen"] There, right there. It's... miraculous. [beat] Schubert was crazy, you know. [C.J. nods and says "Yes"] Do you think you have to be crazy to create something powerful?

C.J.

Josh, the Cold War is over. There's not going to be a nuclear–

Josh

God, C.J. It's not going to be like that. It's not gonna be the red phone and nuclear bombs.

C.J.

What's it going to be?

Josh

It's going to be this! It's going to be something like this. Smallpox has been gone for fifty years. No one has an acquired immunity. Flies through the air. You get it, you carry a ten foot cloud around with you. One in three people die. If 100 people in New York City got it, you'd have to encircle them with 100 million vaccinated people to contain it. Do you know how many doses of smallpox vaccines exist in the country? Seven! If 100 people in New York City get it, there's gonna be a global medical emergency that's gonna make HIV look like cold and flu season. That's how it's gonna be, a little test tube with a... a rubber cap that's deteriorating... a guy steps out of Times Square station, [imitates a smashing noise]. smashes it on the sidewalk... there is a world war right there.

C.J.

We'll make more vaccine.

Josh

You better hurry, 'cause I'm the only one with one of these cards.

Sam

CJ, we've been working on this commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time.

C.J.

Yeah. Yeah.

Sam

Well... I don't understand. How could you-

C.J.

I've been faking it.

Sam

You've been faking it?

C.J.

I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, important.

Sam

Ah-hah.

C.J.

And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying.

Sam

When?

C.J.

When what?

Sam

When did you come to this realization?

C.J.

About an hour ago.

Sam

Okay. Let's... I tell you what, let's forget the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the fact that you showed up at all.

C.J.

That's what I say.

Josh

Sam, I'm taking Charlie for a beer tonight before the vote. Zoey and Mallory are coming.

Sam

Sounds good.

C.J.

I like beer.

Josh

If you want to come I guess that'd be okay.

C.J.

Why, Josh, you've swept me off my feet.

Mr. President?

C.J.

No questions right now, Harry.

A short one.

Bartlet

She's not worried about the length of your question, she's worried about the length of my response.

CJ

What are you holding?

Danny

It's a goldfish.

CJ

Why?

Danny

It's for you.

CJ

Really?

Danny

Josh said you like goldfish.

CJ

[laughing] The crackers, Danny, the cheese things that you have at a party.

Danny

Oh... Ah... You know what, I'm not a hundred percent sure I was supposed to know that.

CJ

: The crackers, Danny.

Danny

Well, fine, now I got a goldfish.

CJ

[still laughing] Give it to me.

Danny

No, no, no.

CJ

No, you'll kill it.

Danny

You think I can't take care of a goldfish?

CJ

I absolutely do not.

Danny

Her name's Gail, by the way.

CJ

The fish?

Danny

Yeah.

CJ

You named it Gail?

Danny

No, the guy in the store.

CJ

[more laughing] Come here. [Gives Danny a kiss on the cheek] Thanks for the fish.

Leo

One in three?

C.J.

Yes.

Leo

He said one in three White House staffers are on drugs?

C.J.

Yes.

Leo

Where does he get these stats?

C.J.

Leo-

Leo

I mean where does he pull them from?

C.J.

Out of the clear blue sky, but that doesn't matter!

Leo

[to Margaret] Is someone bringing me a tape on this?

Mandy

This isn't happening to me.

Leo

Nothing's happened, stay cool.

Sam

[walks in] Is it possible for Peter Lillianfield to be a bigger jackass? You think if he tried hard, there's room for him to be a slightly bigger horse's ass than he's being right now?

C.J.

At some point you hit your head on the ceiling, don't you?

Sam

I think there's unexplored potential.

Josh

[enters] ‘Sup.

Mandy

Josh.

Josh

Five White House staffers in the room. I would like to say to the 1.6 of you who are stoned right now that it's time to share.

C.J.

What's your secret service code name?

Sam

They just changed them.

C.J.

I know. What's yours?

Sam

Princeton.

C.J.

Mine's Flamingo.

Sam

It's nice.

C.J.

No. It's not nice.

Sam

Flamingo is a nice looking bird.

C.J.

The flamingo is a ridiculous looking bird.

Sam

You're not ridiculous looking.

C.J.

I know I'm not ridiculous looking.

Sam

Any way for me to get out of this conversation?

C.J.

I'm gonna go talk to someone.

Sam

Excellent.

Toby

I was warned that coming to talk to you might be insulting to your professionalism.

C.J.

Well, you wouldn't want to do that.

Toby

I wasn't ready for the press yet.

C.J.

Could've told me that before sending me in there.

Toby

C.J.

C.J.

I flatly denied it. I said I was in the Oval Office ten minutes ago and nothing's going on.

Toby

They don't think you lied to them.

C.J.

I know that. They think you lied to me, which is what happened. They don't know me. I'm from nowhere. I was just starting to get credible. I was just starting to get their respect. You know how long it's going to take me to get it back?

Toby

There's a concern.

C.J.

Don't ask C.J.; she doesn't know anything.

Toby

There is a concern that you're too friendly with the press.

C.J.

Really.

Toby

We know it's important that you have a friendly relationship with them...

C.J.

It's important for all of us.

Toby

I don't disagree.

C.J.

Does this have to do with Danny Concannon?

Toby

People see you with Danny.

C.J.

This is outrageous.

Toby

This is one time, and if we erred, it's on the side of trying to...

C.J.

You sent me in there uninformed so that I'd lie to the press.

Toby

We sent you in there uninformed because we thought there was a chance you couldn't.

C.J.

Carol, dotting the Is crossing the Ts, thank you for that.

Carol

We do our homework.

C.J.

You misspelled senator.

Josh

We've got a bit of a sticky wicket.

C.J.

Please don't tell me I'm staying here and working late tonight.

Josh

I need you to read a report.

C.J.

I'm a woman in her prime, Josh, I'm a prime woman.

Josh

There's no doubt about it, but I need you to read this anyway.

C.J.

What is it?

Josh

We want Congress to sign off on funds for a hundred thousand new teachers. They say, fine, but you gotta stipulate that in Sex Ed classes....

C.J.

Abstinence only?

Josh

Yes.

C.J.

I would have no trouble passing such a class.

Josh

We commissioned a report about a year ago on Sex Education in public schools, and, well, this is it.

C.J.

What's it say?

Josh

It's not good.

C.J.

How's it not good?

Josh

It says basically that teaching 'abstinence only' doesn't work--that people are going to be prone to have sex whether they're cautioned against it or not.

C.J.

Well, what are they recommending?

Josh

Something called "abstinence plus".

C.J.

Abstinence plus?

Josh

Yes.

C.J.

What's that mean?

Josh

Well, Sam's renamed it 'everything but'.

C.J.

Everything but?

Josh

Yes.

C.J.

Ah.

Josh

Yes.

C.J.

They want teachers to teach...

Josh

Yes.

C.J.

And so the sticky wicket joke was..?

Josh

A regrettable pun. Should I order you some food?

C.J.

Y'know, I can't remember the last time I got home before midnight.

Josh

By the way, pages 27 to 33? A couple of things every girl should know.

C.J.

Get me a salad.

C.J.

If you call Mr. and Mrs. Lydell in St. Paul and ask them why...

Danny

Don't.

C.J.

Look...

Danny

Don't leak me a story.

C.J.

I wasn't.

Danny

I've seen this look on the face of four other press secretaries before you. You've got a story in the trash this week that's a story, you want it out there and someone said, "No."

C.J.

They're all stories this week.

Danny

That happens sometimes.

C.J.

Four other press secretaries and you never took a free lead?

Danny

I always took a free lead.

C.J.

Then...

Danny

Not from you.

C.J.

Why?

Danny

Cause twenty minutes from now, you're gonna remember you're a professional and you're not gonna like me anymore.

C.J.

What makes you think I like you now?

Danny

I don't know. But, as long as you keep grabbing me and kissing me, what the hell do I care?

C.J.

Good point.

Danny

If there's a story, I'll find it.

C.J.

No, you won't.

Danny

How do you know?

C.J.

Cause we've gotten very good at this.

Danny

Yes, you have.

C.J.

[knocks on Josh's door] Josh...

Josh

[looks up] What the hell happened?

C.J.

I had woot canal.

Josh

What happened to your cheeks?

C.J.

I had woot canal!

Josh

Why are you talking like that?

C.J.

I had woot canal!

Josh

Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.

C.J.

I can suggesht some ovva fings you can do wif yourshelf!

Josh

Are you in pain?

C.J.

I HAD WOOT CANAL!

Josh

You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous.

Josh

First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with... though not really, and I'll get to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so that we could fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so was unable to brief.

Bartlet

Who did?

Josh

I did.

Bartlet

Oh, God.

Josh

You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.

Bartlet

I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh

No.

Bartlet

Why am I going to be reading that I do?

Josh

It was suggested in the press room that you do.

Bartlet

By who?

Josh

By me.

Bartlet

You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh

No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.

Bartlet

Josh, I'm a little confused.

Josh

Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic. There was no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid.

Bartlet

Okay, before we go on: C.J., if blood is gushing from a head wound you just received from a herd of stampeding bison, you'll do the press briefings.

C.J.

Yes sir.

Bartlet

[reading from a book by George Washington] "In public, put not your hands on any part of your body that is usually covered."

C.J.

Well... I do what it takes to keep the press corps happy, Mr. President.