CJ, we've been working on this commerce bill for three weeks, I hear you talk about the census all the time.
Well... I don't understand. How could you-
I've been playing it fast and loose there's no doubt about it, but sitting in on some of the meetings we've been having, and reading the briefing book last night, I have to say that the census is starting to sound to me like it's, well, important.
And, I've come to the realization that if I'm gonna be talking about it all week, it's probably best that I understand what I'm saying.
When did you come to this realization?
Okay. Let's... I tell you what, let's forget the fact that you're coming a little late to the party and embrace the fact that you showed up at all.
[Josh and Sam have joined Charlie in confronting the guys who are hassling Zoe]
[Pressing Zoe's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.
G1Guy 1
[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?
[The door slams open and Secret Service agents burst in]
[Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys]
SJSam and Josh
Right here!
[The agents grab the startled and protesting guys and force them head-first onto the bar whilst one grabs Zoe and guides her out protectively]
AAgent
Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.
G1Guy 1
[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you Sammy.
My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a Federal Prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.
BBartlet
The Secret Service...
The Secret Service should worry about you getting shot!
BBartlet
They are worried about me getting shot. I'm worried about me getting shot! But that is nothing compared to how terrified we are of you. You scare the hell out of the Secret Service, Zoey, and you scare the hell out of me, too. My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is you getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club and you get up to go to the restroom. Somebody comes up from behind, puts their hand across your mouth and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified you don't even notice the bodies of two Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise and lots of people coming and going and it's a half hour before someone says, "Hey, where's Zoey?" Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. It's another hour and a half before anyone even thinks to shut down all the airports! And now we're off to the races! You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack somewhere in the middle of Uganda and I am told that I have seventy-two hours to get Israel to free four hundred and sixty terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone, pleading with Binyamin and he's saying "I'm sorry Mr President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period! It's the only way we can survive." So now we got a new problem, because this country no longer has a commander-in-chief but has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head! Do you get it?!
[In response to Josh's earlier speech to Donna about why the government does not issue refund checks for each person's portion of the budget surplus.]
Donna? How much were the sandwiches?
Yes, as it turns out, actually, you gave me more money than I needed to buy what you asked for. However, knowing you, as I do, I'm afraid I can't trust you to spend the change wisely. I've decided to invest it for you.
That was nice. That was a little parable.
[at a Georgetown bar] Is everything all right, Zoey?
G2Guy 2
Hey. He just called her Zoey.
Come on, let's go back to the table.
G1Guy 1
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's up Sammy?
[Zoey moves towards Charlie and the guys block her]
G1Guy 1
Excuse me. Excuse me. We're just trying to buy the girl a drink, man.
She's 19 years old man. You'd have to take her to Maryland.
G3Guy 3
Check out Super Fly.
G1Guy 1
No. Why don't you go? Alright?
Look guys. You don't know who this is. You don't want any trouble. Just be cool, alright?
Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you.
G1Guy 1
I understand what you're saying. You just want me to be cool, alright?
Can I buy you guys a round?
G3Guy 3
Like LL Cool J man, like Ice-T.
G2Guy 2
Ice cube, Ice tray man.
...
G1Guy 1
Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us G-Funk?
G2Guy 2
Dr. Huffy Puffy dread man, Dr Dolittle Man?
Would you let us by please?
G1Guy 1
No. What are you doing here with this girl? Huh? Huh? Cause you know what, to me you look to be Dr. Faggot!
[coming up from behind] Hey! What the hell is going on around here?
G1Guy 1
Who the hell are you?
G1Guy 1
Kiss your what, Fairy Poppins?
G1Guy 1
Hey, you want to go?
G1Guy 1
You want to go? Let's do it. Right now. Come on.
[coming up from behind Charlie] How's everybody doin'?
G1Guy 1
Oh good, more fairy boys.
G1Guy 1
I said, more fairy boys.
Oh, this is too good to be true.
[Mallory and C.J. come up behind Josh and Sam]
G2Guy 2
[indicating Josh] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating Zoey] And she looks familiar too.
[Pressing Zoey's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.
G1Guy 1
[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?
[The door slams open and Secret Service agents burst in]
[Josh and Sam raise their arms and point at the three guys]
SJSam and Josh
Right here!
[The agents grab the startled and protesting guys and force them head-first onto the bar whilst one grabs Zoey and guides her out protectively]
AAgent
Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.
G1Guy 1
[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you, Sammy.
My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a federal prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.
