Sam Seaborn quotes from The West Wing

Sam

It's not just about abortion, it's about the next 20 years. Twenties and Thirties it was the role of government, Fifties and Sixties it was civil rights. The next two decades it's gonna be privacy. I'm talking about the Internet. I'm talking about cell phones. I'm talking about health records and who's gay and who's not. And moreover, in a country born on the will to be free, what could be more fundamental than this?

Sam

Education is the silver bullet. Education is everything. We don't need little changes. We need gigantic revolutionary changes. Schools should be palaces. Competition for the best teachers should be fierce. They should be getting six-figure salaries. Schools should be incredibly expensive for government and absolutely free of charge for its citizens, just like national defense. That is my position. I just haven't figured out how to do it yet.

Sam

[about why we should go to Mars] 'Cause it's next. 'Cause we came out of the cave and we looked over the hill and we saw fire. And we crossed the ocean and we pioneered the West and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on a timeline of exploration, and this is what's next.

Sam

This country is populated with unbalanced people, many of whom find their way to Washington, as if the continent funnels them into this one spot.

Sam

I think you should. I think ambition is good. I think overreaching is good. I think giving people a vision of government that's more than Social Security checks and debt reduction is good. I think government should be optimistic.

Sam

[reading an excerpt rejected from the State of the Union speech] Over the past half century, we've split the atom, we've spliced the gene and we've roamed Tranquility Base. We've reached for the stars and never have we been closer to having them in our grasp. New science, new technology is making the difference between life and death, and so we need a national commitment equal to this unparalleled moment of possibility. And so I announce to you tonight that I will bring the full resources of the Federal Government and the full reach of my office to this fundamental goal: We will cure cancer by the end of this decade.

Sam

[on the President] Any trip over eight hours, he tends to fire somebody at the end of it, and the last three times it's been me...

Sam

[when Ritchie is late] If ninety percent of success is showing up, we're just happy there's someone standing up for the other ten.

Sam

Ms. O'Brien, I understand your feelings, but please believe me when I tell you that I'm a nice guy having a bad day. I just found out the Times is publishing a poll that says a considerable portion of Americans feel the White House has lost energy and focus. A perception that's not likely to be altered by the video footage of the President riding his bicycle into a tree. As we speak, the Coast Guard is fishing Cubans out of the Atlantic Ocean while the Governor of Florida wants to blockade the Port of Miami. A good friend of mine's about to get fired for going on television and making sense, and it turns out I accidentally slept with a prostitute last night. Now would you please, in the name of compassion, tell me which one of those kids is my boss's daughter?

Mallory

That would be me.

Sam

You.

Mallory

Yes.

Sam

Leo's daughter's fourth-grade class.

Mallory

Yes.

Sam

Well, this is bad on so many levels.

Sam

About a week ago I accidentally slept with a prostitute.

Toby

Really?

Sam

Yes.

Toby

You accidentally slept with a prostitute.

Sam

Call girl.

Toby

Accidentally.

Sam

Yes.

Toby

I don't understand. Did you trip over something?

Toby

Mrs. Landingham, does the President have free time this morning?

The President has nothing but free time, Toby. Right now he's in the residence eating Cheerios and enjoying Regis and Kathie Lee. Should I get him for you?

Toby

Sarcasm's a disturbing thing coming from a woman of your age, Mrs. Landingham.

What age would that be, Toby?

Toby

Late twenties?

Atta boy.

Toby

Can I have a cookie?

No.

Good morning, Sam.

Sam

Good morning.

Have a cookie, Sam.

C.J.

Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.

Bartlet

I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?

C.J.

No.

Bartlet

Me neither.

C.J.

It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.

Bartlet

I know.

Toby

We're talking about Texas, sir.

Bartlet

I know.

C.J.

USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.

Sam

It was big hats.

C.J.

What difference does it make?

Bartlet

It makes a difference.

C.J.

The point is we got whomped in Texas.

Josh

We got whomped in Texas twice.

C.J.

We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.

Bartlet

I think I was there.

C.J.

And it was avoidable. Sir.

Bartlet

CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'

CJ

Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.

Bartlet

Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?

Josh

Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.

Bartlet

Thank you. Next? Leo.

Leo

'After it, therefore because of it'.

Bartlet

'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?

C.J.

When you learned to speak Latin?

Bartlet

Go figure.

Sam

[reading a newspaper article, quoting a congressman] Folks down here are patriotic, fiercely patriotic. The President better not be planning on making any visits to this base. If he does, he may not get out alive.

Toby

He said that? Sitting there with military officers?

Josh

Don't take the bait.

Toby

Josh.

Josh

Don't take the bait!

Toby

You'd better believe I'm going to take the bait.

Leo

There ought to be a law against it.

Josh

Why'd you get him started?

Toby

There is a law against it! How about threatening the life of the President? He was talking to other people: how about conspiracy? They were military officers, how about treason? That was a member of our own party, Leo. That was a Democrat who said that!

Leo

It's bad, I know.

Toby

That's it?

Leo

What are you going to do?

Toby

Have the Justice Department bring him in pending felony charges.

Josh

Toby's right. What's the good of being in power if you're not going to haul your enemies in for questioning?

Toby

We're really not gonna do anything about this?

Leo

Yeah, cause what we really need to do is arrest people for being mean to the President.

Toby

There is no law. There is no decency.

Josh

He's just getting that now.

Bartlet

[on pain medication] What's going on here?

Sam

Nothing you need to concern yourself with, Mr. President. Merely a perception issue regarding Toby and the financial disclosure.

Bartlet

Well, I like to roll up my sleeves and, you know ... get involved.

C.J.

Mr. President. Did you by any chance take your back pills?

Bartlet

I don't mind telling you C.J. I was in a little pain there.

Leo

Which did you take, sir, the Vicodin or the Percocet?

Bartlet

I wasn't supposed to take 'em both?

C.J.

Okay, Mr. President, we're going to have someone take you back to bed.

Bartlet

No no no. Sit sit sit. One of you's got a problem, and I'm here to help. You guys are like family. You've always been there for me. You've always been loyal, honest, hard-working good people, and I love you all very much, and I don't say that often enough. [to Sam] So, tell me what the problem is, Toby.

Sam

I'm Sam, sir.

Bartlet

Sam, of course you are.

Toby

Sir, the situation basically is this. I arranged for a friend to testify to Commerce on Internet stocks, while simultaneously, but unrelated to that, bought a technology issue which, partly due to my friend's testimony, shot through the roof.

Bartlet

Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. Toby's a nice name, don't you think?

Toby

Can we possibly do this meeting at another time?

Bartlet

No no no, I know my body. I know my muscles aren't, you know, but my mind is sharp. I can focus. I'm focused. You all know that about me. Here's what I think we ought to do. [beat] Was I just saying something?

Leo

Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.

Toby

Huh.

Leo

I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.

Toby

Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?

Leo

We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.

Leo

And Sam goes on my list!

Sam

What about Toby?

Leo

I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.

Mandy

And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.

Leo

It is in that spirit...

Sam

Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?

Leo

Mandy's new.

Sam

So it's just me... on the list?

Leo

Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples' servants.

Josh

[walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we're late. Is it "Total Crackpot Day" again?

Leo

Yes, it is.

Sam

And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.