C.J. Cregg quotes from The West Wing

CJ

We've certainly come a long way from "Give me your tired, your poor." If we don't allow this defection, if we blithely exploit this young man's ignorance, then I don't know who we are anymore.

CJ

A little tough love's what these people need. If that doesn't work, I'm moving on to Molotov cocktails.

CJ

We've been over this. We need a hard news announcement each and every day or the press runs amok!

CJ

That was fun! Sanctimonious little guttersnipe sent a great big fat one up and over the plate. Health care reform! From a guy who's still on the fence about the application of leeches!

CJ

You begin every day juggling a very precise schedule which completely, completely falls apart by mid-morning.

CJ

One of the hardest things to learn: There are so many true crises, so many lurking situations that could be dangerous for the President, its hard not to get caught up in the adrenaline and make everything lethal. It's more than picking your battles, marshaling your energy. It's about grace under fire. All war metaphors. I guess that's it; being able to tell when its a matter of life or death.

CJ

[to Margaret] You're an odd woman and I've never quite understood you. But you are extremely capable and you run this office like a Swiss watch. And you're tall, which is reassuring. Leo may need you and if he does, that's okay. But if he's willing to part with you, I hope you'll stay.

C.J.

Relaxing makes me nervous. It feels like I'm missing something.

CJ

[to Toby] You don't need a pardon, You need a frying pan to the side of your head.

C.J.

Is there anything I can say other than "The President rode his bicycle into a tree?"

Leo

He hopes never to do it again.

C.J.

Seriously, they're laughing pretty hard.

Leo

He rode his bicycle into a tree, C.J. What do you want me to – "The president, while riding a bicycle on his vacation in Jackson Hole, came to a sudden arboreal stop." What do you want from me?

C.J.

A little love, Leo.

If our children can buy pornography on any street corner for five dollars, isn't that too high a price to pay for free speech?

Bartlet

No.

Really?

Bartlet

On the other hand, I do think that five dollars is too high a price to pay for pornography.

C.J.

Why don't we all sit down?

Bartlet

No. Let's not, C.J. These people won't be staying that long. May I have some coffee, Mr. Lewis? Al, how many times have I asked you to denounce the practices of a fringe group that calls itself The Lambs of God?

Sir, it's not up to me to--

Bartlet

Crap. It is up to you, Al. You know, my wife, Abbey, she never wants me to do anything while I'm upset. [a staffer hands him coffee] Thank you, Mr. Lewis. Twenty-eight years ago, I come home from a very bad day at the State House. I tell Abbey I'm going out for a drive. I get in the station wagon and put it in reverse, and pull out of the garage full speed. [Leo and Sam appear in the doorway and quietly enter into the room.] Except I forgot to open the garage door. Abbey told me to not drive while I was upset and she was right. She was right yesterday when she told me not to get on that damn bicycle while I was upset, but I did it anyway, and I guess I was just about as angry as I've ever been in my life. It seems my granddaughter, Annie, had given an interview in one of the teen magazines. And somewhere between movie stars and makeup tips, she talked about her feelings on a woman's right to choose. Now Annie, all of 12, has always been precocious, but she's got a good head on her shoulders and I like it when she uses it. So I couldn't understand it when her mother called me in tears yesterday. I said, "Elizabeth, what's wrong?" She said, "It's Annie." Now, I love my family and I've read my Bible from cover to cover. So I want you to tell me from what part of the Holy Scripture do you suppose the Lambs of God drew their Divine inspiration when they sent my 12 year-old granddaughter a Raggedy Ann doll with a knife stuck through its throat? [pause] You'll denounce these people, Al. You'll do it publicly. And until you do, you can all get your fat asses out of my White House. C.J., show these people out.

I believe we can find the door.

Bartlet

Find it now.

Leo

[on the phone with the New York Times] 17 across. Yes, 17 across is wrong... You're spelling his name wrong... What's my name? My name doesn't matter. I am just an ordinary citizen who relies on the Times crossword for stimulation. And I'm telling you that I met the man twice. And I recommended a pre-emptive Exocet missile strike against his air force, so I think I know how...

C.J.

Leo.

Leo

They hang up on me every time.

C.J

That's almost hard to believe.

C.J.

Sir, this may be a good time to talk about your sense of humor.

Bartlet

I've got an intelligence briefing, a security briefing, and a 90-minute budget meeting all scheduled for the same 45 minutes. You sure this is a good time to talk about my sense of humor?

C.J.

No.

Bartlet

Me neither.

C.J.

It's just that it's not the first time that it's happened.

Bartlet

I know.

Toby

We're talking about Texas, sir.

Bartlet

I know.

C.J.

USA Today asks you why you don't spend more time campaigning in Texas and you say it's because you don't look good in funny hats.

Sam

It was big hats.

C.J.

What difference does it make?

Bartlet

It makes a difference.

C.J.

The point is we got whomped in Texas.

Josh

We got whomped in Texas twice.

C.J.

We got whomped in the primary and we got whomped in November.

Bartlet

I think I was there.

C.J.

And it was avoidable. Sir.

Bartlet

CJ, on your tombstone it's gonna read 'Post hoc ergo propter hoc.'

CJ

Okay, but none of my visitors are going to be able to understand my tombstone.

Bartlet

Twenty-seven lawyers in the room, anybody know 'post hoc, ergo propter hoc'? Josh?

Josh

Ah, post, after hoc, ergo, therefore... After hoc, therefore something else hoc.

Bartlet

Thank you. Next? Leo.

Leo

'After it, therefore because of it'.

Bartlet

'After it, therefore because of it'. It means one thing follows the other, therefore it was caused by the other. But it's not always true. In fact it's hardly ever true. We did not lose Texas because of the hat joke. Do you know when we lost Texas?

C.J.

When you learned to speak Latin?

Bartlet

Go figure.

Josh

A couple of things for you to bear in mind. First of all, he didn't know she was a call girl when he slept with her. He didn't pay her. He didn't participate in, have knowledge of, or witness anything illegal. Or for that matter, unethical, amoral, or suspect.

C.J.

Okay. A couple things for you to bear in mind. None of that matters on Hard Copy!

Josh

You're overreacting.

C.J.

Am I?

Josh

Yes.

C.J.

As women are prone to do.

Josh

That's not what I meant.

C.J.

That's always what you mean.

Josh

You know what, C.J., I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista! ...whoa, that was way too far.

C.J.

No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist Harvard fascist missed-the-deans-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass!

Josh

Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?

C.J.

I'm a whole new woman.

Josh

You look like a million bucks, by the way.

C.J.

Don't try to make up with me.

Bartlet

[on pain medication] What's going on here?

Sam

Nothing you need to concern yourself with, Mr. President. Merely a perception issue regarding Toby and the financial disclosure.

Bartlet

Well, I like to roll up my sleeves and, you know ... get involved.

C.J.

Mr. President. Did you by any chance take your back pills?

Bartlet

I don't mind telling you C.J. I was in a little pain there.

Leo

Which did you take, sir, the Vicodin or the Percocet?

Bartlet

I wasn't supposed to take 'em both?

C.J.

Okay, Mr. President, we're going to have someone take you back to bed.

Bartlet

No no no. Sit sit sit. One of you's got a problem, and I'm here to help. You guys are like family. You've always been there for me. You've always been loyal, honest, hard-working good people, and I love you all very much, and I don't say that often enough. [to Sam] So, tell me what the problem is, Toby.

Sam

I'm Sam, sir.

Bartlet

Sam, of course you are.

Toby

Sir, the situation basically is this. I arranged for a friend to testify to Commerce on Internet stocks, while simultaneously, but unrelated to that, bought a technology issue which, partly due to my friend's testimony, shot through the roof.

Bartlet

Toby. Toby, Toby, Toby. Toby's a nice name, don't you think?

Toby

Can we possibly do this meeting at another time?

Bartlet

No no no, I know my body. I know my muscles aren't, you know, but my mind is sharp. I can focus. I'm focused. You all know that about me. Here's what I think we ought to do. [beat] Was I just saying something?