Charlie Young quotes from The West Wing

Charlie

[to CJ] You're a smart savvy woman who could easily consider world domination for a next career move.

Charlie

[to Toby, at Leo's funeral] I'll walk out with you. I don't think a picture of you and me makes the New York Times. Do you?

Josh

I have to tell you, he's ordinarily an extremely kind man, placing a very high premium on civility. Today...it's just been a very difficult few days for him.

Charlie

I think I should probably go.

Bartlet

Excuse me, Charlie? Can I see you inside, please? Come on, it's okay.

Bartlet

I'm Jed Bartlet.

Charlie

I'm Charles Young, sir.

Bartlet

But you prefer Charlie, right? Listen, Leo McGarry filled me in on the situation with your mother. I'm so very sorry. I hope you don't mind, but I took the liberty of calling Tom Connolly, the FBI Director, and we had the computer spit out some quick information. Your mother was killed by a Western .38 revolver firing KTWs, or what are known as cop-killer bullets. Now, we have not had a whole lot of success yet in banning that weapon and those bullets off the streets, but we're planning on taking a big whack at it when Congress comes back from recess. So, what do you say? You want to come help us out?

Charlie

[smiling] Yes, sir, I do.

Bartlet

Thank you, Charlie. [shakes his hand]

Charlie

I've never felt like this before.

Josh

It doesn't go away.

Josh

[Pressing Zoe's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.

[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?

Federal Agents!

Right here!

Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.

[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you Sammy.

Charlie

My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a Federal Prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.

Charlie

[at a Georgetown bar] Is everything all right, Zoey?

Hey. He just called her Zoey.

Charlie

Come on, let's go back to the table.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. What's up Sammy?

Charlie

Zoey?

Excuse me. Excuse me. We're just trying to buy the girl a drink, man.

Charlie

She's 19 years old man. You'd have to take her to Maryland.

Check out Super Fly.

Zoey

Hey!

Charlie

Let's go.

No. Why don't you go? Alright?

Charlie

Look guys. You don't know who this is. You don't want any trouble. Just be cool, alright?

Be cool.

Charlie

Yeah. I'm just saying, I'm looking out for you.

I understand what you're saying. You just want me to be cool, alright?

Charlie

Can I buy you guys a round?

Like LL Cool J man, like Ice-T.

Ice cube, Ice tray man.

Why don't you do some of that hip-hop for us G-Funk?

Dr. Huffy Puffy dread man, Dr Dolittle Man?

Charlie

Would you let us by please?

No. What are you doing here with this girl? Huh? Huh? Cause you know what, to me you look to be Dr. Faggot!

Sam

[coming up from behind] Hey! What the hell is going on around here?

Who the hell are you?

Sam

Kiss my ass. Zoey?

Zoey

I'm fine.

Kiss your what, Fairy Poppins?

Sam

Charlie?

Charlie

Everything's fine.

Hey, you want to go?

Sam

What?

You want to go? Let's do it. Right now. Come on.

Josh

[coming up from behind Charlie] How's everybody doin'?

Oh good, more fairy boys.

Josh

Excuse me?

I said, more fairy boys.

Josh

Oh, this is too good to be true.

[indicating Josh] Hey, I recognize this guy. [indicating Zoey] And she looks familiar too.

Josh

[Pressing Zoey's panic button] Yeah. You guys don't realize it, but you're having a pretty bad night.

[Sarcastic and aggressive] Oh really - and who's gonna give it to us, huh?

Federal agents!

Right here!

Shut up! I swear to God I'll blow your head off. Everybody stand back.

[to Charlie] Hey, I ain't done with you, Sammy.

Charlie

My name is Charlie Young, jackass. And if that bulge in your pocket's an 8-ball of blow, you'll be spending Spring Break in a federal prison. [to Josh] Now I'm having a good time.

Charlie

This place looks great doesn't it?

Yeah.

Charlie

I've never seen a Christmas look like this, the trees, and the lights, and everybody singing.

Yeah.

Charlie

The presents...

Yeah.

Charlie

I brought it up because, I don't know, you seem a little down this week.

Yeah, I know Charlie. I tend to get a little down during the holidays.

Charlie

You don't like Christmas?

I miss my boys.

Charlie

I never knew you had kids.

Twins. Andrew and Simon. I tried not, you know, I dressed them differently, but they still did everything together. They went off to medical school together, and then they finished their second year at the same time, and of course their lottery number came up at the same time.

Charlie

For the draft?

Yeah.

Charlie

Well, I would have thought they could get a deferment to finish med school.

They didn't want one. Their father and I begged them, but they wanted to go where people needed doctors. Their father and I begged them, but you can't tell kids anything. So they joined up as medics and four months later they were pinned down during a fight in Da Nang and were killed by enemy fire. That was Christmas Eve 1970. [beat] You know, they were so young, Charlie, they were your age. It's hard when that happens so far away, you know because, with the noises and the shooting, they had to be so scared. It's hard not to think that right then they needed their mother... Anyway, I miss my boys.

Charlie

Mr. President?

Bartlet

I'll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office.

Charlie

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

And then if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please.

Charlie

Yes, sir.

Charlie

Mr. President, I was wondering if I could ask you a question.

Bartlet

Sure.

Charlie

I was wondering how you would feel about my going out on a date with Zoey.

Bartlet

I'm sorry?

Charlie

Well, Zoey was talking to me before, and she mentioned that if I had a free night...

Bartlet

My daughter asked you out?

Charlie

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

I should've locked her in the dungeon.

Charlie

I don't think you've got one, sir.

Bartlet

I could've built one.

Bartlet

Say, listen. My hesitation about your going out with Zoey before, you know, it's not 'cause you're black.

Charlie

I didn't think it was.

Bartlet

It's not.

Charlie

I thought it was 'cause I'm a guy.

Bartlet

It is.

Charlie

I understand.

Bartlet

Still, I want you to go out with her if that's what you both want to do.

Charlie

I'd like to.

Bartlet

That's fine.

Charlie

Thank you, sir.

Bartlet

Just remember these two things: She's nineteen years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me.

Charlie

Yes sir.

Bartlet

[re: soap opera] I don't understand. Don't any of these characters have jobs?

Charlie

I don't know, Mr. President. I think one of them is a surgeon.

Bartlet

They seem to have a lot of free time in the middle of the day.

Sam

The U.S. is one of five countries on earth that puts to death people who're under the age of 18 when they committed a crime.

Charlie

Nigeria.

Sam

Pakistan.

Charlie

Saudi Arabia and Iran?

Sam

Yeah. So, that's a list we definitely want to be on.

Bartlet

Charlie, I'm going to ask you a question. And this is one of those times that it's OK to tell me I've stepped over the line, and I should shut my mouth, okay?

Charlie

Okay.

Bartlet

What happened to the guy who shot your mother?

Charlie

They haven't found him yet, sir.

Bartlet

If they did, would you want to see him executed? Killing a police officer is a capital crime. I figured you must have thought about it.

Charlie

Yes, sir.

Bartlet

And?

Charlie

I wouldn't want to see him executed, Mr. President. [pause] I'd want to do it myself.

Bartlet

[looks thoughtful] Yeah.

Bartlet

Charlie, do you realize you are committing a federal offense right now?

Charlie

I'll take my chances with the feds, sir.

Bartlet

How do you know the First Lady wasn't going to be naked when you came in here? Come to think of it, where the hell is my wife?

Charlie

Argentina, sir.

Bartlet

Oh yeah.

Bartlet

Have you slept yet?

Charlie

No, sir.

Bartlet

Good.

Bartlet

I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife is in Argentina. Let's get this over with.

Charlie

[on Air Force 1] How you doing?

Zoey

Hi.

Charlie

Listen, uh, I don't know if I'm going to be able to be as attentive on this trip as you would like.

Zoey

That's okay. You're working.

Charlie

Well, I've been trying to listen to some of the many lessons you've been giving me on how to be a better boyfriend and I know that attentiveness--

Zoey

No, this is one of the times when it's okay.

Charlie

Okay. It's hard to tell the difference between those times and the other times.

Zoey

I know. Doesn't that suck for you?

Charlie

A little bit, yeah.

Danny

I saw you guys are going to the opening on Friday.

Charlie

No.

Danny

No?

Charlie

Security.

Danny

Is Zoey bothered?

Charlie

You know, Danny, I don't mind talking, but I say it here and 10 million people read about tomorrow.

Danny

Thanks for the boost in my circulation but I'm actually off the record up here.

Charlie

[looks down] It's not going to work.

Danny

What's not going to work?

Charlie

You know what I'm talking about.

Danny

You and Zoey?

Charlie

Yeah.

Danny

Why?

Charlie

[angry] Look, I do what I do...I go where I go. If it's a problem for the Secret Service that I'm black...

Danny

Whoa....

Charlie

...then that's the way it is. But she shouldn't expect candy and flowers, you know what I mean?

Danny

I know what you're saying. But I don't think the problem is you're black. I think the problem is you're stupid.

Charlie

Well, thanks, Danny. You picked me right up.

Danny

You bet. Listen, the Hardy Boys in the letters they're talking about, they may be heavily armed but I wouldn't put a lot of money on their marksmanship. One of these days they're gonna miss her and hit me. Two thousand marriage proposals, 2,000 death threats, a dozen bodyguards. Everyone wants to get close. Everyone wants a thing. Plus, and I say this standing fifteen feet from the Oval Office, life with father couldn't have been a real company picnic, you know. If it was me, just for now, I'd make sure I was the one guy in her life who was hassle free. That's just me.