Andrew Jackson, in the main foyer of his White House had a big block of cheese.
I am making a mental list of those who are snickering, and even as I speak I am preparing appropriate retribution. The block of cheese was huge - over two tons. And it was there for any and all who might be hungry.
Leo, wouldn't this time be better spent plotting a war against a country that can't possibly defend itself against us?
We can do that later, Toby. Right now I'm talking about President Andrew Jackson.
Sam Actually, right now, you're talking about a big block of cheese.
I'm unpredictable. Jackson wanted the White House to belong to the people, so from time to time, he opened his doors to those who wished an audience.
And then he locked the doors behind them and made them eat two tons of cheese.
Hang on. Mandy doesn't go on the list?
So it's just me... on the list?
Yes. It is in the spirit of Andrew Jackson that I, from time to time, ask senior staff to have face-to-face meetings with those people representing organizations who have a difficult time getting our attention. I know the more jaded among you, see this as something rather beneath you. But I assure you that listening to the voices of passionate Americans is beneath no one, and surely not the peoples' servants.
[walks in with C.J.] Sorry, we're late. Is it "Total Crackpot Day" again?
And let us please note that Josh does not go on the list.
It's not so much that you cheat sir, its how brazenly bad you are at it.
In Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.
I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her.
You crazy lunatic, you think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?
Hey, everybody, listen up - Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!
[Everyone looks horrified]
VVarious
[With a noticeable lack of enthusiasm] Great! Great!
[Put out] Okay, you know what? Let's do this. Everybody look down at the big seal in the middle of my carpet. [Everyone looks down at the Presidential seal] Now look back up at me. [They do so] Zoe's down from Hanover and I'm making chili for everyone tonight!
EEveryone
[With more convincing forced enthusiasm] That's great! I love chili! Terrific!
There! You see how benevolent I can be when everybody just does what I tell them to do?
[Josh is in his office, with Schubert's "Ave Maria" playing on his boombox]
C.J., an N.S.C. staffer gave me a card with instructions on it for what I'm supposed to do in the event of a nuclear attack. They want me up in the plane or down in a bunker. They don't want you... or Sam, or Toby, for that matter. I didn't want to be friends with you and have you not know.
[surprised] Josh, have you been upset about this?
You're very sweet sometimes. You really are.
Of course they don't want me, Josh! I'm a press secretary. I don't think they're going to be issuing a whole lot of releases. Sam and Toby are communications and my guess is that speech writing won't be a priority either. Come, have some fun. [starts to leave]
[points at his boombox] This is a beautiful piece of music. Do you know this?
Hang on. Listen. Listen. [turns up his boombox at the words "O Jungfrau, sieh der Jungfrau Sorgen"] There, right there. It's... miraculous. [beat] Schubert was crazy, you know. [C.J. nods and says "Yes"] Do you think you have to be crazy to create something powerful?
Josh, the Cold War is over. There's not going to be a nuclear–
God, C.J. It's not going to be like that. It's not gonna be the red phone and nuclear bombs.
It's going to be this! It's going to be something like this. Smallpox has been gone for fifty years. No one has an acquired immunity. Flies through the air. You get it, you carry a ten foot cloud around with you. One in three people die. If 100 people in New York City got it, you'd have to encircle them with 100 million vaccinated people to contain it. Do you know how many doses of smallpox vaccines exist in the country? Seven! If 100 people in New York City get it, there's gonna be a global medical emergency that's gonna make HIV look like cold and flu season. That's how it's gonna be, a little test tube with a... a rubber cap that's deteriorating... a guy steps out of Times Square station, [imitates a smashing noise]. smashes it on the sidewalk... there is a world war right there.
You better hurry, 'cause I'm the only one with one of these cards.
[while playing basketball] It's not so much that you cheat sir, it's how brazenly bad you are at it.
I beg your pardon! When have I ever cheated?
How about in Florida, playing mixed doubles with me and C.J., you tried to tell us your partner worked at the American Consulate in Vienna.
I'll admit the woman bore a striking resemblance to her.
You crazy lunatic! You think I'm not going to recognize Steffi Graf when she's serving a tennis ball at me?!
...
Mr. Grant, your name sounds awfully familiar... Before you joined up with the President's Council on Physical Fitness, a council, I might add, the President would do well to avail himself of... Is it possible, that you played some organized ball?
GGrant
Yeah, I used to play a little with my friends.
[Toby and Josh laugh out loud]
This guy was in the Final Four!
I understand that today was another one of Leo's 'big block of cheese' days! You all start out so cynical, but it never fails. By the end of the day, there's always one or two converts, right? And today was no exception. C.J. Cregg is gonna be up all night writing a position paper for the interior department on the necessity of wildlife protection. [C.J. laughs] C.J., I don't mind the cost of this wolves-only highway. It's the segregation. The ACLU is gonna file a petition on behalf of some reindeer and then we're all screwed. [Everyone laughs] Sam Seaborn had a guy who spotted a UFO today, am I right? Sam laughed him out of his office, but you've been thinking about it ever since. But you can rest assured, Sam. It was not a spaceship from another planet, just another time -- a long since abandoned Soviet satellite. One of its booster rockets didn't fire and it couldn't escape Earth's orbit. A sad reminder of the time when two powerful nations challenged each other and then boldly raced into outer space. What will be the next thing that challenges us, Toby? That makes us go farther and work harder? You know that when smallpox was eradicated, it was considered the single greatest humanitarian achievement of this century? Surely, we can do it again, as we did in the time when our eyes looked towards the heavens, and with outstretched fingers we touched the face of God. Here's to absent friends and the ones that are here now. Cheers.
