“Celestial Navigation” · Season 1
In this episode: Josiah Bartlet (4), Josh Lyman (4), Toby Ziegler (2), C.J. Cregg (2), Leo McGarry (1), Sam Seaborn (1), Charlie Young (1)
[knocks on Josh's door] Josh...
[looks up] What the hell happened?
I had woot canal.
What happened to your cheeks?
I had woot canal!
Why are you talking like that?
I had woot canal!
Yeah, I heard you the first time, I was just amusing myself.
I can suggesht some ovva fings you can do wif yourshelf!
Are you in pain?
I HAD WOOT CANAL!
You're gonna need to stop saying that, 'cause you just look and sound so ridiculous.
You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.
I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
No.
Why am I going to be reading that I do?
It was suggested in the press room that you do.
By who?
By me.
You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.
I denied it for half an hour, they wouldn't take no for an answer!
You were clear?
I was crystal clear! They said, "Do you think that, if the President has a plan to fight inflation, it's right that he keep it a secret?" I said, of course not!
Are you telling me that not only did you invent a secret plan to fight inflation, but now you don't support it?
[Charlie has just entered the President's bedroom.]
Charlie, do you realize you are committing a federal offense right now?
I'll take my chances with the feds, sir.
How do you know the First Lady wasn't going to be naked when you came in here? Come to think of it, where the hell is my wife?
Argentina, sir.
Oh yeah.
[Bartlet rises groggily]
Have you slept yet?
No, sir.
Good.
[Later, at the Oval Office]
I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife is in Argentina. Let's get this over with.
He's driving from Nova Scotia to Washington?
Yeah.
How's a person do that?
Oh, my guess is, he'll take the Trans-Canada Highway to New Brunswick, then maybe catch the 1 and take the scenic route along the coast of Maine. 95 through New Hampshire to the Mass Pike, and then cut over to the Merritt Parkway round Milford.
Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?
First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with... though not really, and I'll get to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so that we could fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so was unable to brief.
Who did?
I did.
Oh, God.
You're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.
I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
No.
Why am I going to be reading that I do?
It was suggested in the press room that you do.
By who?
By me.
You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?
No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear, I did not do that. Except, yes, I did that.
Josh, I'm a little confused.
Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic. There was no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid.
Okay, before we go on: C.J., if blood is gushing from a head wound you just received from a herd of stampeding bison, you'll do the press briefings.
Yes sir.
You pull all the strings you want, Toby, but not for me. Come Monday, I'm gonna avail myself of the criminal justice system for which I have worked my entire adult life.
Judge, due respect. Get your things and let's go.
[angrily] My kid was in the car, Toby. They patted me down and they handcuffed me in front of my nine-year-old boy. Then he and his mother got to see them put me in the squad car and drive away.
He's also seen you wearing a robe with a gavel in your hand.
He doesn't understand that. He doesn't know what that is. He understands what the police are because he watches television. That's what he's gonna remember, his father being handcuffed. So America just got another pissed-off guy with dark skin.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The West Wing pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
